


Falling on the Fire Escape

by Latchingontoyou



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:10:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 129,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latchingontoyou/pseuds/Latchingontoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You should know that your soulmate mark won't appear when you meet your soulmate. It'll appear when both of your souls finally sync up with one another in one moment where they finally communicate on the same level whether you are together or not, whether you know each other or not, whether you're in the same place or not. It's your souls that make the choice," Danny explained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Move In

**_Carmilla_ **

“Looks like we’re getting new neighbors across the way from us,” Ell said as she looked out the apartment window that leads to the fire escape outside.

I came up to look over her shoulder. “As long as they don’t have sex on the fire escape I don’t really care.”

“Like we’ve never done that before,” she teased.

I smirked. “Haven’t done it in a while since someone works more hours now.”

She looked at me with her bright smile. “True maybe when I get a night off.”

“Maybe.” I leaned over and pecked her lips.

“Now help me figure out how to put this dining table together.”

She followed me into our small kitchen. “You know I have to go to sleep soon since I have to work tonight.”

“I am well aware of that.” I sat down by the parts and opened up the instruction.

“You do know trying to read those instructions are impossible right?”

“It’s a good thing it comes with pictures then.” I folded the instructions and got to work on figuring out what parts go where.

“You know you look hot when you get all wrapped up in a project.”

I looked over my shoulder at her. “Hot enough for you to skip work?”

Her eyes roamed over my body as I stood up and walked over to her. “Not nearly enough.”

I trapped her in between my arms and against the kitchen counter. I leaned down. “You sure?” I purred in her ear.

I could just feel the shiver that wracked through her body. “Very sure,” she said breathlessly.

“Well I guess I can work with what time we do have.” I brushed my lips against her neck.

“Carmilla,” she groaned.

I trailed kisses down her neck then back up to behind her ear. “Do you want me to stop?” I whispered then gently bit down on her ear lobe.

She gasped. “N-no.”

“Good.” I reached my hands down to behind her thighs then lifted her onto the kitchen counter. “Because I’m hungry.”

“Fuck!”

I pulled down her shorts and underwear. I’m going to enjoy this meal.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I set the box down on the kitchen counter. The door opened and I walked out of the small kitchen to see Perry and LaF bringing in some more boxes. They put them down in the small kitchen area. Perry opened one of the boxes and started to go through it. LaF stretched out their back then turned to look at me.

“Thanks for helping,” I said to the both of them.

“Anything for you frosh,” LaF said.

“I’m not a first year anymore LaF,” I said.

They shrugged. “You’ll always be frosh to me frosh.” I smiled and shook my head.

“I’m going to start organizing your kitchen,” Perry said while taking a stack of dishes to one of the cabinets.

“You don’t have to Perry,” I reassured.

“It’s fine. I want to do it,” she said cheerily. I looked at LaF and they shrugged. I sighed. We have learned to not get in Perry’s way when she sets her mind to doing something. LaF looked to the door at the sound of footsteps coming down the hallway.

Danny walked into the apartment and set the box she was carrying down on the sofa. “I’ll be back Laura. I have to park the moving truck somewhere else until I can return it tomorrow after work,” she said while twirling the keys in her hand the way Kirsch used to do it. She’s started to do these little things like him a lot more lately.

“Ok. I’ll start unpacking.”

She smiled. “Alright. I’ll pick up some food as well.” She walked over to me and gave me a peck on the lips. “See you all in a bit.”

I smiled and watched her leave. She closed the door behind her then I turned to see the weird look on LaF’s face. It was the look they had when they wanted to say something, but couldn’t. “What?” I asked curiously.

They shook their head. “Nothing.”

“LaF what is it?”

They glanced at Perry. I looked at Perry from the corner of my eye and saw her small shake of the head. LaF looked back at me. “Nothing frosh. Let’s get you both settled into your new home.”

“LaFontaine,” I said sternly.

They glanced at Perry again then shrugged. “You would think Danny’s left hand would stop twitching every time she kisses you,” they stated.

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at them. “Would yours?”

They looked down to the soulmate mark on their left wrist as well as their wedding ring then lovingly to Perry. I glanced at Perry through the corner of my eye and saw she had stopped to hear the answer. LaF sighed and gave another shrug. “Point taken Hollis.”

I nodded my head as Perry went back to stocking my cabinets. “I’m fine you know. Danny and I are fine.”

“I know. We just worry at times is all.”

“We just want you to be happy Laura,” Perry added.

“I know and I appreciate it,” I said, “but like I said, we’re fine.” I walked into the living room to sort through the boxes to see what would be easier to put away.

“Well that’s good to know. So are you ready to start your new job?” Perry asked.

“Yeah. The newspaper is waiting for me to come in tomorrow to give me a debrief on everything and show me around the office.”

“Are they giving you your own office?” LaF asked.

“Not sure and I don’t really care. As long as I have desk space I’ll live.” I found the couch pillows and started to arrange them on the couch.

“Well we’re just glad you were able to find something so soon,” Perry said as she came into the living room.

“So am I. I was stressing out way too much with trying to wrap up my pieces, finding a new job, and helping Danny find us an apartment as well as taking phone calls for her while she was at work. It was really a hassle to get everything done and ready to go before the semester started and even still we need to hold off on unpacking because we’re both starting work tomorrow. Then I still need to-”

“Chill Hollis,” LaF said cutting me off. They smiled crookedly at me. “No need to ramble frosh. We get it.”

I sighed heavily. “Yeah sorry. Just so many things going on.”

“We understand sweetie, so if you need our help we’re here for you,” Perry soothed.

“Thank you. I really do appreciate it.”

“We know sweetie,” Perry said caringly.

I ran my fingers through my hair. “I do need to call my dad and let him know I’m here and then have him stop by so I can show him the apartment.”

“Well if anything we can let him into your apartment and show him around while you and Danny are at work if you want,” LaF offered.

I smiled. “Thank you. Really. You two have been so helpful with everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Perry said while smiling.

“Yeah.”

Perry clapped her hands. “Well let’s help you get some of this stuff organized so you have less to worry about.”

I nodded my head and smiled. I love my friends.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I looked down at my phone as it vibrated against the new kitchen table. I sighed wanting to ignore it, but knew if I didn't answer it he would only keep calling.

"Hey Momma's Boy," I said while walking into the small kitchen to lean back against the counter.

 _"You really need to stop calling me that,"_ he said annoyed.

"When it stops being true I'll stop calling you that Willy Boy."

He sighed heavily. _"You are such an ass."_

"Tell me something new Sherlock."

There was silence for a long moment. _"Look I'm calling because mother wants to see you."_

I gripped the edge of the counter tightly. "William you know how I feel about this subject."

_"I know, but I am running out of excuses for you especially since it's summer break."_

"Tell her I'm working." Which wasn't really a lie to be honest.

He sighed again. _"You know there's only so many times I can use that excuse."_

"I don't really care. I'm not meeting her."

_“Can’t you do me this one favor so she can leave me alone about it?”_

"No because it's not going to be this one favor. She'll keep bugging you and you'll keep bugging me. There's no end, so I'll just keep saying no."

_"I hate being the middle man."_

I looked down at the floor. "I know and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change my mind."

He sighed tiredly. _"Alright."_

"Thank you."

_"Of course. We're still good for this weekend right?"_

"Yup."

_"Good. I'll see you then."_

"See you."

I hung up the phone and set it down on the counter. I do feel bad for putting Will in this position, but it's honestly not my fault that he is in this position. Mother uses him as a messenger boy which leaves me no other choice to use him as one as well. You would think that since I don't want to talk to her at all that she would understand that using Will was not going to change my mind or make me start talking. Just because I have a great relationship with Will does not mean I'll talk to her for his sake just so she could leave him alone. If anything he needs to start standing up for himself instead of continuing to be a Momma's Boy who does everything she wants him to. I mean the kid is bending over backwards to get his business degree for her while also getting an engineering one for himself. I'm surprised he hasn't ended up in the hospital yet due to a mental break down or physical and mental exhaustion. I really don't know how he does it.

"Was that Will?"

I looked to the hallway to see her dressed and ready to head out to her shift. "Yeah. He wants me to have lunch with him and mother."

She nodded her head and came into the kitchen. "You should go. It's probably not easy for him to always have to be between you two." She reached into the fridge for the orange juice.

"I'm not having this discussion with you again," I said dismissively.

"You never want to have this discussion," she bit back.

"Because there's nothing to discuss," I said mildly angry.

She stared at me disbelievingly then rolled her eyes and placed the juice back in the fridge. She picked her cup up and walked right pass me shaking her head. "I don't want to argue before work."

"It wouldn't be an argument if you wouldn't push the issue."

She grabbed her messenger bag and slung it over her shoulder. "You're right it's all my fault," she said sarcastically.

I crossed my arms and stared at her. "Are you serious right now?"

She set her cup down on the coffee table and grabbed her keys. "I'm going to go before this," she points to me and her, "blows up." She turned and went for the door.

"If you would just leave things alone it wouldn't blow up," I said as she pulled the door open.

"And if you would just fucking talk to me then yeah things wouldn't blow up," she said frustratedly. She walked out into the hall and slammed the door behind her.

I bit my bottom lip then knocked the side of my head against the dividing wall in the kitchen. "Fuck!"  


 

 

 

 

I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter then made my way over to the window so I could climb out onto the fire escape. I looked out the window and saw my new neighbor standing on the fire escape with her cellphone. She was a tiny girl with long honey brown hair. She was leaning her elbows against the railing and looking out into the city. I hope she's not a stickler about smoking.

I opened my window and I climbed out onto the fire escape. I stayed close to my window and lit my cigarette. I tossed the rest of the packet through the window to settle on the ground. I took a long drag and blew the smoke away from her. I tried to not listen in on her conversation, but tonight I really didn't want to be thinking about my own problems.

"Yes dad. I will try to see you tomorrow. Uh huh. Yeah. I know. We will visit you this weekend. Of course you can. Alright. Remember LaF and Perry are going to let you in tomorrow at two. Alright. I will. I love you too. Goodnight." She hung up the phone and sighed.

I glanced at her from the corner of my eye and watched as she ran her fingers through her hair. I took the cigarette from my mouth and flicked it to shake the ashes off the end of it. I kept it between my fingers as I stared out into the night.

"Hey," she spoke.

I turned to see her resting her cheek in her hand and staring at me. "Hey yourself," I responded.

"I'm Laura," she introduced herself.

"Carmilla."

She looked away from me. "Those things are going to kill you one day," she commented.

I stared at my cigarette. "We're all dying anyway, so what does it matter when?"

She looked back at me with sadness in her eyes. "I guess that depends on what's worth living for now."

I stared at her long and hard. She looked away after a while. I looked away to the stars above. "I guess so." I stuffed my cigarette out.

"See you some other time sunshine."

"Yeah see you."

I climbed back into my apartment and shut the window. I stood by the window and watched as she seemed to be amazed by the stars. I soon closed the curtains. I should sleep since I have to be in the shop early tomorrow.


	2. Calm Down and Christmas Lights

**_Laura_ **

"Morning babe," Danny said as she walked into the kitchen. She bent down and kissed my cheek.

"Good morning." I grabbed the plates of breakfast I made and set them on our small table.

She grabbed a cup of coffee then went to sit down. "Is your dad stopping by today?"

"Yes. LaF and Perry are going to let him in at two and he's bringing over some food." _Which is what I told you last night already._

She nodded her head. "I love your dad's cooking." I arched my eyebrow up at her. She smiled and shrugged. "You're a good cook, just your dad is better."

"Huh. I'll remember that for the next time I cook."

She smiled around her piece of bacon. "I'll be back by four tonight and we can finish setting up our room."

"We won't have much time since we promised to meet LaF and Perry for dinner at 5:30."

She hummed. "Right I forgot."

"We have this weekend to do it."

"You know I don't like doing things on the weekend," she whined.

"I know, but it's the only time we both have. Just think of it this way, we do it all this weekend and then you have all every weekend after to do nothing or go to the gym."

She sighed. "You're right."

"I know." I finished off the last of my breakfast quickly since I was running late for work. I kissed the top of her head since her sitting down is the only time I could ever do it. "I'll see you tonight."

"Bye. Stay safe. I love you."

"Love you too." I opened the door then ran to the elevator.

 

 

 

 

 

"Your office will be here," Mr. Johnson said pointing to a cubicle by the window. "The break room is over there and my office is right there," he pointed out. "Now I know today was just supposed to be about you doing some paperwork and shadowing coworkers to get used to the office, but please tell me you can start working right now because we have this story that just came in and it's all hands on deck."

"Y-yeah I can start right now," I said nervously.

"Great. I'll have someone from HR come down and get your paperwork filled out and finished. For now just get the info from Betty about what you can start on right now."

"W-will do sir," I called after his retreating form.

I placed my stuff down on my desk and turned on the desktop. "Betty Speilsdorf," a stressed voice said from my left.

I looked up to see a tall blonde. "Laura Hollis-Lawrence."

She nodded her head. "Hope you're good with websites because I need you to edit these and put them on our site." She dropped a large packet of articles onto my desk.

"Right. I don't have a login yet."

She nodded her head and grabbed a sticky note. She quickly scribbled something down then handed it to me. "This is my login for the computer. I'm going to be doing a lot of behind the scenes stuff, so I won't need it."

I nodded. "Thanks."

"Good luck newbie." She turned and walked off.

"Thanks," I said into thin air.

I booted up the computer and began to look through the papers.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I opened the door to the shop and listened as the bell jingled. JP stuck his head out from around the corner of one of the book shelves and nodded his head. I waved at him and made my way to behind the register.

"What's been going on so far today?" I asked him.

"Well someone came in and bought a class set of Dracula, Pride and Prejudice, and A Students Guide to First Year Writing."

"Well someone is very generous towards their students."

"That's what I was thinking when I was ringing her up."

I nodded my head and pulled the order book out. "Did you put an order in for those ones yet?"  
"No. I was wondering if you want to order class sets or just half of them since we'll probably be seeing those books again at the end of the semester."

I logged onto the computer and pulled up the order form. "I'm going to order a third of what we sold since those books don't sell too well on their own." I typed the order in for the books then logged them into the order book. "Is there anything else we need to stock up on right now?"

"No, but I did raid the science section for some books so the stack under the counter is mine and will pay for them before I leave."

"Alright then. Has Elsie called in yet?"

"Nope, so hopefully she shows up for her shift this time."

"Well if she doesn't show up I'll have to tell her PO and I really don't want to do that." I shoved the order book back under the register then grabbed my stuff to walk into my office around the corner.

"I really don't see why you bother to help her. She obviously doesn't want it."

"She does. She just doesn't know it yet."

He leaned against the door frame. "You are too generous."

I dropped my stuff down on my desk and started up my computer. "I just understand her more than you."

"Right. Well you look like you had a rough night," he commented.

I leaned back in my chair and ran my fingers through my hair. "Had a bit if a disagreement with Ell last night before she went to work."

"Take it you slept on the couch?"

"Don't I always?"

He smirked. "Well should I order the usual flowers and apology card?"

"No. I'm not apologizing for anything this time."

He frowned. "What happened this time?"

I sighed and leaned my head back to stare at the ceiling. "I honestly don't want to talk about it."

"Well if you change your mind I'll be around until two."

"Right."

"Oh and that order of classical books came in if you want to handle those yourself. I already wheeled them into the section."

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"Anytime."

 

 

 

 

 

I looked toward the door at the sound of the bell and saw Elsie walk in with her backpack and some huge black shades over her eyes. She had a long light blue sleeved shirt on and black skinny jeans tucked into her black boots. She went behind the counter and dropped her stuff off.

"Nice of you to finally show up to work," I said as I walked over to her.

She shrugged and leaned her elbows on the counter. "I've been busy."

"Really? With what?"

"That's none of your business."

I quickly reached up and snatched the shades off her face. She pulled back and growled at me. "Nice black eye you're sporting. How'd you get it?"

"That's none of your damn business."

"I've been covering for you with your PO, so really it is my damn business."

"I didn't tell you to cover for me."

"No you didn't, but I do wish you'd be honest." I handed her back her shades. "There's some books in the medical section that need to be put away."

Her eyes took on a glint of happiness as she put her shades back on. "Fine. Only because I actually work here."

"I can always fire you if you want," I said teasingly.

She raised her hand and flipped me off. "Suck it Carmilla."

"You warm my cold frozen heart," I joked.

"You are a pain in the ass!" She called.

"And you are the bane of my existence."

"Where's JP?" She called from the medical section.

"He had to leave early to finish typing his paper up for class."

"He could have just done that here."

"He didn't want to waste all of the ink."

"Like you care."

"That's what I said."

"When is he ever going to leave college?"

"When are you ever going to think about going to college?" I asked.

She stayed quite. I paused and waited a moment. All I could hear was books being shoved onto the shelf and the crooked wheel clanging as it rolls along on the carpet. I grabbed a stack of books and went over to the space section to put them back in their respective spots. I glanced down the medical aisle to see she had one of the books propped open on the cart. Her shades were propped up on the top of her head and she was reading through the book slowly moving her lips along with the words. She was very smart and had already read through all of the medical books I had on the shelf. She just needs to stop being so closed off and let me help her out.

The door chimed. "Carmilla?" Ell's voice filtered through the shop.

I set my stack of books down on a side table and made my way to the front. She stood there with a bag of food. "Hey." I crossed my arms over my chest.

She shifted from one foot to the other. "I wanted to bring you some lunch." She held the bag out to me.   
"Thanks."

I set the bag on the counter. She looked off to the side. "I'm not going to apologize for last night because I do believe you should talk to your mother once in a while, but I'm not going to force the issue."

I crossed my arms over my chest and clicked my tongue against my teeth. "I don't want to fight about what I do or don't do when it comes to my mother. I just want you to respect my decision and not challenge me on it. I have my reasons."

She stared at me and shook her head. "See that right there is the problem." I cocked my eyebrow up at her. "You don't tell me anything about your relationship with your mother. We've been together for a bit over a year now and I still don't know everything about what happened between you two."

"That's because you-”

"Don't need to know," she cut me off. "I know, but you know it would be nice to know everything about you."

"You know all of the important things about me," I whispered.

She sighed and scratched her head. "I know. It'd just be nice to know more."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just need you to trust me and not push me to tell you everything. Alright?"

She stared at me critically. "Fine," she agreed.

"Thank you."

She rubbed her hand against the counter top. "Make sure you eat."

"I will." She nodded her head. I stepped in closer and lifted her head up by her chin. "Are we ok?"

She stepped even closer and put her hands on my waist. "We're ok."

I gave her a peck on the lips. "Good."

She smiled then pulled back. "I'll let you get back to work."

"I'll see you when I get home tonight."

"Alright." She kissed the side of my cheek. "Bye."

"Bye."

I watched her leave then walked back to the stack of books I was working on. "Why won't you tell her about your mom?" Elsie asked stopping me from getting to my stack of books.

I stood at the end of her aisle. "I just don't like talking about it."

"Why not?"

I turned so I could face her. She flipped a page in the medical book she was reading. I waited for her to look up at me. She met my gaze and I tapped the side of my eye. "Because you're not the only one who had to hide or play off a black eye." A momentary wave of shock crossed her face then instantly disappeared behind her tough girl mask. "Now get back to work."

She nodded her head and went back to stacking and reading.

I went over to my stack of books and picked them back up. Maybe now she'll start to trust me a bit more.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I opened the door to the apartment and dropped the keys into the bowl on the side table by the door.

"I'm home!" I called.

"In the room!" Danny called back.

I slipped my bag off and placed it on the couch then made my way down the hall. "Sorry I'm a bit late. They ended up having me start right away since a big story broke this morning."

"That's fine. I went ahead and finished putting our clothes away and also ironed out your work clothes."

I stopped just outside of the bathroom then turned to stare at her. "What did you do?"

She paused a second then finished slipping her shoe on. "Nothing."

I moved to stand in front of her. I folded my arms in front of my chest and glared at her. "What did you do?"

"Why do you think I did something?"

"Because you always go over the top when you do something to relieve some of my stress, so what did you do?"

She leaned back on the bed and stared at me. "I didn't do anything."

"Danny Hollis-Lawrence what did you do?"

She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. She sat up and threaded her hands together. "So you know how I said I would never buy a class set of books again for my students?"

I gripped my biceps tightly then stepped back. "How many did you buy?"

"My syllabus never went up online because I didn't click the right setting, so I had to since they're first assignments are due this weekend," she said frantically.

"How many did you buy?" I reiterated.

"I figured out how to put the syllabus online so this really is the last time I will buy class sets."

"How many did you buy?!" I yelled.

She looked dejectedly at the ground. "Three." I threw my head back then stepped away. "Laura?" I walked away and to the bathroom. "Laura?" I shut and locked the door behind me. "Laura? Please say something." I gripped the edge of the sink tightly and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry. This really is the last time I will do it. I promise." I took a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly. "Please Laura. I'm so so sorry."  


I pressed my forehead against the edge of the sink to collect myself and fight off my anger. I took in a deep breath, held for four seconds, then let it out for four seconds. I did this repeatedly for a while as I shut out Danny's pleading voice on the other side of the door. I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair. I sighed then unlocked the door and opened it. She stood there with a hurt puppy dog look on her face, one she learned from Kirsch.

"We don't have the money for you to keep doing this, so this is the last time you will do it."

She nodded her head. "I promise. I really do."

"Right." I stepped pass her into our room so I could change into something more comfortable.

"Should we reschedule tonight's dinner with LaF and Perry?" She asked tentatively.

I skimmed through my side of the closet to find a decent shirt for my blue jeans. "No. We already made plans with them and it's a bit too late to change them now." I pulled out my grey button up shirt and began to change out of my work clothes.

"I don't think they'd mind."

I slipped my jeans on leaving them unbuttoned then slipped my shirt on. "We already promised them and we haven't hung out with them for a while since we had moved out of town last year."

"I know, but there are other days."

I tucked my shirt into my jeans then buttoned and zipped them close. "Danny I really just want to spend time with our friends and forget about work," I said. _Also forget that you spent money we don't have on books for your students._

She nodded her head. "Alright."

I slipped my shoes on then checked the time. "Come on we need to go before we're late."

She gently took my arm to stop me. "Are we alright?" She asked hesitantly.

I took a deep calming breath and faced her. "Yes we're alright."

"Good." She bent down and kissed my forhead. "Let's go spend time with our friends."

She took my hand and intertwined our fingers. We're good.

 

 

 

 

 

I crawled out of the window and stepped onto the fire escape. I shut the window enough so that any noise I make won't travel throughout the apartment. Even though Danny sleeps like a rock, there is still a chance for her to wake up if I make too much noise. I folded my arms on the railing and rested my chin on top of them. I stared out at the lights of the city enjoying how they remind me of Christmas lights.   
The window on the other side opened and I glanced over to see my neighbor crawling out of her apartment with her cigarette and lighter. Her wavy raven black hair came down to just a few inches below her shoulders and contrasted with her fair skin. She lit her cigarette then tossed her pack back through her window along with her lighter. She took a long drag from it then just held it between her fingers. Her shoulders were more relaxed this time around and she didn't have this slightly angry mood around her this time although it wasn't like she was completely relaxed either. She looked concerned mixed with a bit of frustration. I glanced away and back to my Christmas tree lights of the city. She doesn't need some stranger staring at her creepily. Well I don't want her to think I'm a creep.

"Sometimes I wish the city wasn't so bright because it makes it hard to see the stars," she finally said.

I looked up to the sky to see that the stars weren't as visible as they were last time. "Who says the city lights can't be stars on the ground?" I looked over at her and saw her smirk.

"They look more like Christmas lights than stars to me cupcake."

I smiled. "Well I would have pointed that out, but it looks like you might like stars more than Christmas."

She nodded her head. "You are right about that. I do like my stars more than any holiday really."

"There must be a holiday that you do like?"

She leaned forward on her elbows. "There's really not."

I looked away. "Well I guess they're not for everyone."

"No they are not."

I turned back to look at her. She snuffed out her cigarette. "I'll see you some other time cupcake."

"Yeah see you."

She climbed back into her apartment and shut the window behind her. I looked back out at the lights of the city. If only I really did feel as happy about Christmas as others.


	3. Google You and Edit

**_Laura_ **

I slipped out the window onto the fire escape and brought my laptop with me. I closed the window leaving it only open a crack. I sat down on the fire escape with my back against the railing. I began typing away on my laptop trying to get this story done to turn in tomorrow.

"You know it would be more comfortable to work inside your apartment."

I turned to see Carmilla climbing out of her window. "True, but even though my wife sleeps like the dead, she can't stand the sound of typing so late at night."

"Sounds like your wife needs to buy some ear plugs."

I smiled. "We tried that already. She says it hurts her ears."

She sat down on the fire escape facing me with a cigarette between her fingers. "And you obviously already tried being in a different room."

"Of course."

"Looks like your wife just needs to suck it up because working out here isn't going to be good for you once winter comes."

I saved my progress so far then set my laptop down for a bit. "I work for a newspaper so I'll be doing a lot more late nights like this pretty soon."

"What does that have to do with you staying warm?"

"My wife is a professor at the university so she needs to get up early to do that and I don't like waking her up because she can be a real grouch when she has to teach classes with only a little bit of sleep."

"Do you not wake up early for work too?"

I folded my hands on my lap. "I do, but I'm more used to being able to function without any problems with as little sleep as possible."

"That honestly doesn't sound fair."

I shrugged. "Sometimes marriage isn't about being fair, but learning to compromise."

"Well it sounds like you're compromising more than she is," she pointed out.

"Maybe." I pulled my laptop back onto my lap.

"What are you writing about anyway?"

"Just a piece for a fallen officer from last night."

"Any family?"

"Not anyone who was willing to give a comment."

"Why was that?"

"He was more interested in being a police officer than being a father or husband."

"Was he married to his soulmate?"

My fingers twitched on the keyboard. "No. He did marry his high school sweetheart though."

I glanced at her through the corner of my eye and saw her nod her head. "You would think being together for that long would make it last forever, not cause bitterness."

I shrugged. "Not everyone who signs up for that type of life knows exactly what they're getting into."

"Like some of the military couples."

"Yeah. Same concept different level of stress and worry."

"Would you ever do it?"

"Do what?"

"Sign up to marry a cop even though there's a chance they may be shot on duty or be too invested in their work?"

I leaned my head back against the railing. "I would like to say I wouldn't, but my father is a police officer so I already live in that constant state of fear on whether or not he will come home." I turned to look at her. "Would you?"

She took a drag of her cigarette then flicked it. "My girlfriend was a police officer for a while, but once her partner died in her arms she quit. She couldn't handle the thought of going through that again."

"What does she do now?"

"She's a bartender and is working on becoming the manager of the bar she works at, so I hardly see her since she works every night now and when I get home from work she's already asleep."

"What do you do?"

"I own a bookstore near the university, so I have students coming in all the time because I have really good prices on textbooks. Plus I get the traffic of people who end up needing to waste time and just end up buying a book from me because they got really invested in it," she said happily.

"Sounds like you really enjoy it."

She snuffed out her cigarette. "I guess you could say that."

I stared down at my screen then set it aside again. "Do you think their marriage would have been different if he had married his soulmate?"

She folded her hands on her lap. "I don't know to be honest. There are people too scared to meet their soulmate or be with them and then there are some who think that being with their soulmate means being with them forever and that things will always be alright only to get divorced after a few years and stuck with wanting to be together but not working. I think the only thing that would have changed would have been how long they stayed together if he would have still chosen work over family." She met my gaze. "Do you think it would have made a difference?"

"I think being with your soulmate is a forever thing when you find them or if you want to find them, but I think people forget that just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean you can stop growing as a person and as a couple."

She crossed her ankles. "I can see that." She stared at me then glanced at my laptop. "I should let you get back to work."

I scratched my elbow. "I guess, although I wouldn't mind conversations like this."  
She got to her feet and stretched. "Maybe next time creampuff. Have a good night. Don't stay up too late."

"You have a good night as well and I'll try not to."

She gave me a wave then disappeared back into her apartment. I could use more conversations like that.          

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose before they could slip off my face. I poured over the bank statements for my shop and was glad to see our income had shot up since the semester started thanks to all of the college students, so we could slow down during the semester and still be alright. Plus with JP and his friends being my best customers for the science books, it allowed me to go ahead and keep sneaking medical books into Elsie's bag before she leaves. She never brings them back from what I can tell whenever I check the shelf, so maybe I am pushing her a bit closer to actually applying for college. I wouldn't mind paying for her education if she would just submit an application somewhere. It's really not like I would go broke if I did support her through college, my father made sure of that before he died. Just one of the things I never talk about with Ell because I don't want to make it a big fuss. I just want to live as minimally as possible even if I do sometimes splurge on things that I want.

I stashed my bank statements in my safe then sat back down on my chair. I leaned back in my seat and looked up at the ceiling. I spun side to side for a moment then sat up and pulled up a browser. I typed in "Laura" coupled with the words "newspaper" and got more than a hundred hits. I backspaced out her name and occupation then searched for recent articles involving cops who had passed away. Quite a few popped up, but only one of them was published today in this city. I clicked on that one and read through the article. Even though she didn't get any heartwarming statements from his family, she was still able to pull at the heart strings with what she had to work with. I guess she's more than just a cute face for sure. Laura Hollis-Lawrence. I went ahead and began to search for more articles under her name.

"Hey, Elsie told me you would be in here," Ell said.

I closed out my browser and looked over to her. "Hey what brings you around?"

She stepped into my office more and dropped off a tuber ware full of food. "Just thought you'd want something that didn't come in a paper fast food bag."

I smiled and pushed my chair back a bit. "Why thank you I really appreciate it."

She came around my desk and sat in my lap. "What have you been up to all day?"

I shrugged. "Just the usual. Putting books back, selling books, and then seeing what books are currently becoming number one best sellers to determine if I should order them or not."

"Found any you liked yet?" She glanced at my empty computer screen.

"No. I decided I'd take a break and walk around the shop a bit to give my eyes a rest from reading the same story summary over and over again."

"That's a good idea. The last thing you need is to start wearing thicker glasses," she teased.

"You always have to make fun of my glasses huh?"

She shrugged. "Someone has to."

I shook my head and kissed her cheek. "What are you up to today?"

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "I have to meet the current manager for lunch, so I'll be heading out right now, but the rest of the day is me cleaning the apartment before you come back and getting some sleep before my shift."

"Gee that sounds like a lot of fun," I said sarcastically.

She smiled then kissed the tip of my nose. "Don't be a grumpy cat."

I pouted. "You know I would like to see you at some point for longer than fifteen minutes or better yet have a whole day to spend with you."

"I know, but I really want this promotion because then I can start making my own schedule and get paid more."

I sighed. "Alright then, but seriously you need to take a day off in general because you're working yourself way too hard."

"I know, but it'll all be worth it in the end." She kissed my cheek then got up. "I'll see you alright."

"Alright. Be safe."

"I will." She waved then walked out of the office.

I pulled my glasses off and rubbed my face then sighed heavily.

"Trouble in paradise?" Elsie asked as she stood in the doorway.

I got up from my chair and stretched. "Everything is fine," I said.

"Well that sounds as convincing as me calling in sick all the time."

"Which you need to stop doing before you get in trouble with your PO."

"Not talking about me right now, but nice try at deflection there."

I ran my fingers through my hair shaking it out a bit. "What did you need?"

She leaned her shoulder against the doorway and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked down at the ground and kicked at the carpet. "Did you mean it when you said I could use the apartment upstairs if I asked you?"

"Of course I did."

She nodded her head. "Do you think you could talk to my PO about me living here?"

"Yeah I can do that."

She stood up straight. "Great. Let me know how that goes." She turned and walked away. I popped open my container of food then pulled out my cellphone.

"This is Perry."

"Perry I was wondering if you could meet with me today to discuss Elsie."

"Hold on." There was the sound of a drawer being opened and shut. "What will we be discussing?"

"A change of address until she turns eighteen."

"Nothing else?"

"There's nothing else to discuss."

"Carmilla," she said with an all knowing voice.

I sighed. "Perry, please just trust me."

There was a long pause. "Don't make me regret everything I have over looked thus far."

"Thank you," I said with a relieved sigh.

"Uh huh. I'll work on getting her removed from her foster home, but Carmilla you do understand that you will become responsible for her."

"I know. Why do you think I went through the trouble of getting my license to become a foster parent."

She hummed and there was some shuffling of papers. "You're doing a good thing here."

I walked over to the doorway and saw Elsie helping a little girl with choosing a book from our kids section. "Let's just hope she doesn't take it for granted."

"Not all things turn out well just because you want them to."

The back of Elsie's shirt slid up when she bent down and there was a dark purple bruise there that caught my eye. "I know that for certain."

"Well I will call you and set up a time to meet once I have all of the paper work filled out and turned in."

"Could you try to get it all done by tonight?"

"I'll see what favors I can call in."

"Thank you Perry."

"You're welcome. I'll call you later when everything has been cleared."

"I'll be waiting." I hung up the phone then watched a small smile cross Elsie's face. It was a rarity, but maybe after we move her she'll start smiling a lot more.

 

 

 

 

 

I stood upstairs in the apartment above the shop with Perry next to me and Elsie in front of us staring at the huge space. Perry had her hands folded in front of her while gripping Elsie's files that included all the paperwork I had to sign. Perry glanced at me with a raised eyebrow then nodded her head at Elsie. I shook my head and held up my forefinger to tell her to give it a moment.

"Alright I change my mind," Elsie finally said then turned to face us.

"Why?" I asked.

She waved her hand pointing at the apartment and turning in a circle. "This. What the hell is this? This is a fucking studio not a small apartment!"

I shrugged. "It's only two rooms and two bathrooms."

"Only two rooms and two bathrooms. Are you fucking being serious?" She shook her head. "Sorry, but I cant. Perry take me back to my foster home." She made her way to the door.

"JP lives here as well you know," I said.

She stopped and turned to stare at me. "What do you mean he lives here too?"

I put my hands in my pockets and looked around. "Well I certainly didn't put all these weird science pictures up on the walls." She gripped the strap of her backpack with both hands. "I let JP live here because he had nowhere else to go. That's why he works in the shop. It's his way of saying thanks, but if you want to know the full story you'd have to ask him about it." There was a jingle of keys outside the door. "That'd probably be him now. I told him you'd be moving in."

The door opened and JP walked inside. "Hey everyone," he said cheerily. "Giving the grand tour I see."

"You could say that," I answered.

He hung his coat up on the coat rack by the door. "Sorry about the posters. I decided to add my own decor to the place."

I shrugged. "It's fine with me. I only ever used this place to take a nap during lunch before I had you working with me."

He smiled. "Awesome because I was looking at some more paintings and posters that I might put up."

"Hold it right there science geek," Elsie butted in. "There is no way you're putting up more nerdy posters while I'm living here."

"Oh so you're living here now?" I asked.

"Yes I am." She walked over to the couch and flopped down on it. "If he gets to put up weird posters of DNA strands and microorganisms seen under a microscope then I get to put up medical posters of anatomically correct hearts and the skeletal system."

I looked between the both of them then to Perry. Perry fought off a smile. I smirked. "You're both going to have to fight for wall space then."

"Dibs!" Elsie shouted.

JP stared at her. "You did not just call dibs!" He said incredulously.

"I did and now I get to put up my posters before you can put up yours."

"You've got to be kidding me! I am not being shown up by a child who calls dibs."

"Dibs! Dibs! Dibs!" Elsie called again.

"Stop saying that!"

Elsie reached into her backpack and pulled out a roll of grey tape. She got up from the couch and started running around the apartment. "Dibs!" She yelled as she marked the empty wall space with grey tape.

JP set his backpack down and put his hands on his waist. "I am not stooping to the level of a child for poster space," he said irritated. 

I held my hands up in surrender. "That's for you two to figure out not me," I said.

He shook his head and went into the kitchen. "I'll show her dibs," he mumbled.

I laughed then turned to Perry. "So paperwork?" I asked.

She smiled. "That would be great."

"Hey!" Elsie called out.

I turned to face her. "Yes?"

"I can paint the room right?" She said pointing to the empty room I was giving her.

"Yeah of course," I answered.

"Cool. Thanks." She disappeared into the room.

I looked to JP and nodded my head. He gave me a thumbs up then shooed me away. He would take over from here. I opened the door leading Perry out of the apartment then down the stairs to my office in the shop. She had me sign all of the paperwork then said she would fax me the copies. I showed her out through the shop door then went back inside locking the shop behind me. I could hear the sounds of running around upstairs and smiled. To new beginnings.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I rubbed my eyes tiredly then shook my head. I stared back at my computer screen and began reading through what I had typed so far. My piece on the fallen police officer last week was very popular, so now the paper was giving me more work which now makes me stay well into the night trying to get all of the information together onto a document so I could take whatever I don't finish home to work on. As much as I love being in the office, I don't love being here until ten o'clock at night. I saved the document and sent it to myself then began to pack up. Luckily this one was a short piece that wouldn't take me too long to finish.

I looked down at my phone and dialed Danny to see if she still might be awake at this time even though she is usually asleep by eight. The phone rang as I put it on loud speaker then drove off back home. The phone went to voice mail and I went ahead and ended the call not wanting to leave a message. She most likely passed out early as usual. I looked at the time to see that it was nine-fifteen. Hopefully she was nice enough to make dinner and leave me some in the fridge because I really don't feel like stopping and getting something. Well to be more truthful I was tired of eating out and spending money we really don't have right now because she decided to buy three class sets of textbooks. I shook my head. No, I am not going to bring that up again. Just let it go and move on. I turned the volume up on the radio and sang to some of my favorite songs that came on until I finally reached my apartment. I pulled into my parking space then took the elevator up to my apartment. I was so tired, but I really needed to finish this one piece.

I opened the door to the apartment and groaned frustratedly. There was a trail of Danny's workout clothes leading from the door to our room. I had told her many times before to make sure to pick her clothes up before heading to sleep after her shower. I tossed my keys into the bowl then dropped my stuff onto the couch. I went back and started to pick the trail of clothes up. I got to our room and sighed as I saw her sprawled out under the covers. I went to the laundry basket in the corner and dumped the clothes in it before quickly and quietly changing out of my work clothes. I went back to the living room and grabbed my laptop out of my bag then made my way to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and groaned again. She didn't make any dinner. I went to the cabinet and grabbed my pack of cookies then climbed out onto the fire escape.

Carmilla was standing there with her cigarette hanging between her fingers and was staring out at the sky. I took a look up to see if the stars were visible tonight and saw that they were. I stared at them for a while feeling my irritation slowly seep away into the sky. I took in a calming breath then sat down on the fire escape. I popped my laptop open and pulled the tray of cookies out of the packaging then started eating.

"Cookies for dinner huh?"

I looked up with a cookie hanging between my lips then bit down on it. I shrugged. "Better than no food before going to sleep."

"I don't think cookies count as a valid meal," she teased.

"They're a valid meal to me." I smiled then ate the other half of the cookie.

She shook her head. "You seem like the type to eat cookies all the time."

I picked up another cookie. "I am actually. My entire college diet was cookies and grape soda. My floor don ended up having to make me eat vegetables and fruits so I wouldn't catch scurvy."

"Sounds like a great floor don."

I smiled at the memories of Perry bringing me home cooked meals with a concerned look on her face. "Yeah she's a great friend."

She put out her cigarette. "Sounds like you two are still close."

"We are. Her and her spouse are close friends of mine."

"That's nice."

"It is. They help me out a lot...well they help me and Danny out a lot. Danny being my wife."

She nodded her head. "Wait here." I stared at her curiously as she climbed back into her apartment and disappeared.

I ate another cookie then logged onto my computer. I pulled my email up and opened up the document I sent myself. I held my cookie between my teeth and lips as I began to furiously type at my keyboard wanting to finish this piece early. I looked over at the sound of her climbing back through her window. She was carrying a plate as well as a fork. I bit my cookie in half then raised my eyebrow up at her.

"What's all that?"

She came over to me and sat down. She grabbed my laptop with one hand and traded it for the plate of food in her other hand. "Dinner of course. You need something healthy because I'm pretty sure you probably buy lunch when you’re at work." She handed me the fork and placed my laptop on her lap.

"How do you figure that?"

"Because that's what I do," she explained.

I looked down at the simple diced chicken and rice meal she handed me. "You really didn't have to. I mean we barely know each other. I can't. I'm sorry." I started picking up the plate to hand it back.

She stopped my movements and stared into my eyes caringly. "Don't worry about it. I don't have to know you to want to make sure you eat. Now go ahead and don't worry about me. I already ate my share earlier."

I stared down at the plate as I bit down on my lip. "Thank you," I said graciously.

"Of course." She reached down and grabbed a cookie from my tray. I gave her a pointed look and she shrugged. "I already had my dinner."

I scowled at her. "Don't eat all of them."

She smirked. "I'll try not to." She looked down at my laptop and I could see her eyes skimming over what I have written so far.

I tasted the chicken and hummed happily at how tasty it was. A small smile played at the corner of her mouth as she grabbed another cookie. "Good?" She asked.

I nodded my head. "Very. Thank you."

"No problem." She tapped on my laptop keyboard. "Do you mind?" She asked while inclining her head toward my laptop.

I furrowed my brows. "Is there something wrong with it?"

"Just some spelling mistakes and grammar corrections."

"Yeah go for it." She grabbed another cookie and trapped it halfway in her mouth. She began to click away at my keyboard fixing any mistakes she sees. "Have you edited before?" I asked curiously.

She bit down on the cookie and I watched a crumb fall away. "I used to do it as a side job before I got my shop." She clicked to the bottom where all my notes were for the second half of the article. "This is really good, you've really improved." I tilted my head and stared at her. She glanced at me. "What?" She asked.

"You Googled me," I said trying to fight back my amusement.

"I did not!" She said defensively.

"Yes you did." I poked her arm then smiled smugly.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine so maybe I read some of your stuff after that piece you did about the cop last week."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What did you think?"

She leaned back against the railing and took another cookie. "You are talented that is for sure."

"Why thank you."

"Whatever. Finish your dinner." I smiled excitedly. She shook her head.

I finished eating the food she gave me then took my laptop back from her. She kept eating my cookies as she watched me work then I passed the laptop over to her so she could edit it and fix any mistakes I made while I ate my cookies. I wouldn't mind having help like this once in a while plus she actually read the first article I got to write by myself at this new job which is more than I can say for everyone else in my life.


	4. Google You and Hope Everything Is Alright

**_Laura_ **

I opened up my web browser and started to Google bookshops around the university with shop owners named Carmilla. I ended up pulling up shops that sold the book _Carmilla_ which did me no good. I sighed and went ahead and started clicking through the browsers to skim through them quickly to get to what I was actually looking for. I eventually found the bookstore that she owned. Karnstein. I clicked my pen repeatedly as I thought back to all those years ago when that last name was splashed across the news networks and papers. Her father passed away in a plane crash, but there was some suspicion of foul play on the part of the second wife. Unfortunately, if she was going after his money it all ended up going to his daughter and son.

I opened up a new tab and googled her full name. Numerous articles came up mostly from around the time of the plane crash. There were also a few about how she was appointed the new head of Karnstein Industries which dealt with everything from medical supplies to, ironically, plane parts. Her brother was co-owner of the company, but he was more the face of it than she was. There were a few pictures and articles of her at important meetings and gatherings and such, but it looked like she preferred letting her brother run the company while she stayed in the background. I pulled up what seemed to be a more recent picture of her at a gala event from earlier this year with a woman I guess is her girlfriend. I clicked on one that had her standing by herself.

"Is that your wife because she's hot and good catch Hollis," Betty said from over my shoulder as she placed a cup of coffee down on my desk. Betty took to just using my last name because she said that saying both was a mouth full to her. Honestly I preferred it because it just made it easier to have conversations. Plus it was Danny's idea to hyphenate our names.

I clicked my pen then set it down on my desk. "Not my wife."

Betty say in her desk then looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Why Hollis I didn't peg you for one to keep mistresses," she teased.

I rolled my eyes. "Marriage is hard enough without adding a mistress," I said pointedly.

She smiled and set her mug of coffee down. "So who is this very smoking hot woman then?"

"My neighbor. We share the same fire escape between our apartments so we've met there."

She leaned back in her chair. "So are you planning to do a piece on her or something?" She read through some of the brief descriptions in the Google search.

"No. I just got curious."

She arched her brow up at me. "Curiosity is a dangerous thing."

I rolled my eyes. "In my defense she googled me first, so it's only fair I repay the gesture."

"Right. Well she is very rich."

I closed out the picture I had up not wanting to dwell on how good she really looked in the picture with black leather pants, a red tie, white shirt, and black blazer. "I wouldn't know nor care. To me she's just someone who owns a bookstore."

She nodded her head. "Well you my dear are married and I am now curious to see what your wife looks like."

I smiled and picked my phone up from my desk. I unlocked the screen then searched through my camera for a picture of Danny. I pulled one up of the both of us together then showed her it. "This is my wife Danny."

She took my phone from me then smiled wide. "Well don't you look like a child next to her. How do you even reach up that high or do you need to carry around a stool," she joked.

I snatched my phone back from her and glared at her. "I'm not that short."

She tapped my phone screen. "Sweetie I think you need to start actually looking at the pictures critically and not with married goggles."

I put my phone back on my desk. "What does that mean?"

She shrugged. "Just that you need to see what the pictures really look like when you show others." She straightened out her stack of files. "Your wife is beautiful by the way."

"Thanks," I said mildly concerned. She hummed then got her files and took them downstairs to the printing room.

I bit down on my lip and pulled up the picture I had shown her. I stared at it for a long while. Danny was smiling, but it wasn't the wide carefree grin I had seen her wear when she was with Kirsch. She had her left hand tucked into her pocket while her right arm hung loosely over my shoulders. She looked like she was leaning away a bit to put some space between us while I held her close with both arms wrapped around her waist. Looking at it at first glance you would think we were the happiest couple to be around, but taking a closer look it looked like Danny was doing her best to not shove me away from her. I closed my phone and sighed heavily while running my fingers through my hair. It's just my imagination. We're fine. There's nothing wrong.  

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I sighed as I rolled my sleeves up and leaned against the railing with my cigarette pinched between my fingers.

"Sounds like you've had a long day," Laura said concerned.

I put my cigarette out then looked over at her. "Just some family stuff that I had to deal with today?" She nodded her head. "What about you?" I asked as I saw her laptop tucked under her arm.

She frowned. "Just need some time to not think right now."

"I know that feeling." I leaned back on my heels holding onto the railing with a tight grip. "You going to work on an article?"

She looked down at her laptop. "No. I was just going to rewatch one of my favorite TV shows."

"Which one?"

"Buffy." I arched my eyebrow up questioningly. She frowned confused. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I stared at her blankly. Her eyes widened. "Have you not heard of Buffy?!"

I shrugged. "I was more interested in books than TV." _More like I was slapped if I tried to watch TV_.

She fidgeted shifting her weight from one foot to the other than stared at the ground. "Would you like to watch it with me?" She asked shyly.

She looked very cute all embarrassed this way. "I don't want to interrupt your alone time."

She shook her head and looked at me hopefully. "I really don't mind."

I tilted my head and looked at her. I smirked and shook my head. "Alright. Let me change into something more comfortable then."

"Alright," she said happily giving me a beaming smile.

I climbed back through my window then headed over to my bedroom. I began to strip off my clothes tossing them to the corner then noticed a note sitting on the dresser. I picked it up then sighed and shook my head. Ell was going to be gone until four this morning because the current manager wants to teach her how to balance the books after clean up. I crumbled the note up while walking into the bathroom to wipe the little bit of makeup I had worn to the meeting today. I tossed the note in the trash then cleaned my face. I pulled on my sweat pants and a tank top then started to make my way back to the fire escape. I stopped and turned back to grab the blanket off my bed. It was going to get colder in a bit and it wasn't good for either Laura or I to get sick. I tucked the blanket under my arm then made my way back to the fire escape.

I climbed through the window and saw her sitting there with a packet of cookies and two mugs of something hot sitting by her since I could see the steam coming up from the tops. I plopped down next to her careful not to spill what I can see now was hot chocolate. I brushed my arm across her shoulders to cover her with the blanket and felt her tense up. I pulled my arm back once she grabbed the end of the blanket I was holding then watched as she pulled it tighter around herself. She moved one of the mugs to her other side and I took the other moving it away. She scooted closer closing the gap between us and placed the packet of cookies on my lap. She grabbed one then moved the laptop so I could see better.

"You ready?" She asked hovering the mouse over the play button.

"Ready when you are," I answered as I grabbed a cookie for myself. She pressed play and the episode started.

We had just finished two episodes and I was feeling very calm and less stressed and it wasn't because I was watching this show. If I'm being honest with myself, it's because of this tiny ball of excitement sitting next to me. I found myself glancing at her a lot to see a smile on the corner of her lips and how her fingers twitched as if she was fighting the urge to grab or shake me in excitement. I watched as she bit down on her bottom lip as if trying to stop herself from quoting the lines out loud. I even felt her eyes on me a few times as if watching for any form of positive reaction. It was almost like she hasn't had anyone willing to watch this show with her that I can clearly see is her favorite show and that she probably rewatched it more than once in her lifetime. It was adorable and it really made it easy to relax against her side.

I reached out and pressed pause as the third episode was beginning to play. We sat silently for a moment as I tried to find my voice. "Did you end up Googling me today since I admitted to Googling you yesterday?"

She hung her head and folded her hands in her lap. "I did, but I didn't want to mention anything."

I sighed. "So you know that I am co-owner of my father's company and that my brother owns the other half?" She nodded her head. I folded my hands on my lap as well. "Today was a stressful day because I had an all-out argument with my brother about his share of the company." I paused to see if she would say anything. I stared down at my lap. "He was trying to give half of his share to our step-mother. Fortunately, I had my lawyer draw up a contract that prevented her from getting any share of the company by any means and had him sign it. He's not really smart when it comes to contracts, so it was under handed of me to do it since I knew he wouldn't read it, but it had to be done. I made sure that she would never touch any of the company shares or funds because of what she did to my father and to me and my brother." Her hand covered the tops of mine and squeezed reassuringly. "He blew up in front of our lawyers and our step-mother and I just sat there and took every word he threw at me. The only word that really hurt was hate. He said he hated me and that's not a word that we have ever used and one we agreed we would never use on each other because that would just mean the end of our relationship or even just a shift in the way we interact with one another."

She started to caress the back of my hand with her thumb which slowly eased away the building anxiety. "I don't know how to face him now. I don't know what I should do because I know I was a jerk and I took advantage of his weakness, but I did it for our own good. I did it for him and for our father. If my father wanted her to have our company he would have given it to her or at least a small share, but I can't help feeling that he knew; that he knew she was going to do something to him and that's why he left her with nothing." I shook my head and took a steading breath. "I just don't know what to do."

She kept caressing my hand. "I'm not sure what you can do. I'm an only child and I don't have a company, but maybe you should wait for him to calm down and come to you or you can go to him and tell him what you just told me."

I sighed and leaned my head back. "You would think he wouldn't want her to have anything after the way she treated him, but I guess since she's been giving him a lot of attention now and being nice he's starting to forgive her."

She slipped her hand between mine and threaded our fingers together. "I think he's going to do what he's going to do and he'll need to learn on his own. Whether your step-mother is genuine when it comes to your brother he will soon find out after what happened today."

I stared down at our joined hands and felt my heart squeeze. She actually cares. "I guess. I'll wait for him and hope for the best."

"I hope it does work out for you."

I reached over with my other hand because I didn't want to let her hand go and pressed play on the episode. We settled back in with her caressing my hand with her thumb and watched the next episode.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I yawned again and ran my fingers through my hair shaking it out a bit.

"Alright that is the hundredth time you've yawned and you can't be staying up doing articles because you try to finish them all before you go home, so spill." I looked at her as if she was crazy. She rolled her eyes. "This has been going on for about two weeks now, so spill."

I looked at my calendar real quick. It really has been two weeks since I started watching _Buffy_ every night with Carmilla. "I've just been staying up all night watching a TV show."

"Seriously?" She asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah seriously."

She sighed. "And here I thought you were having crazy sex with your wife."

"I wish," I mumbled.

Her eyes widened. "Oh my god. Have you two not have sex since moving here?"

"Shush," I warned as I looked around to see if anyone else heard her.

"Oh wow. Interesting."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Maybe we should. You've been here a month now and no bedroom action. What is it? Lesbian bed death?" She teased.

I groaned. "Can we forget you heard anything?"

She leaned back in her chair with a smug smile. "Nope. Now spill Hollis."

I hit my head against my desk then sat up and crossed my legs on my chair. "Fine, but you tell no one." She mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key. "No we haven't had sex since moving here. She's been busy with teaching and grading and I've been putting in some hours here."

"Yeah but you do have weekends off. I know because I put your paperwork forward." I gaped at her. She shrugged. "I wanted someone who was good and had years of experience."

"Yeah but I didn't know you were the one who put me through."

She smiled. "Well now you know, so continue."

I stared at my hands. "We just watch movies and stuff on the weekends."

"Do you even try?"

"I do, but then she just says she's tired or has to grade something or whatever."

"You sure you two are alright?"

I picked at the arm of my chair. "Yeah we are."

"Well maybe you just need to try something else."

"Yeah maybe." I ran my fingers through my hair. "For now I need to finish this if I plan to get home at all tonight."

She nodded her head. "Agreed. I have so much more on my plate today than usual."

"That's what you said last time."

She shoved me. "Whatever. Do your work."

I smiled and turned back to my desk. What I didn't tell her is that we only have sex when Danny wants to and that is not often. The last time we did have sex was five months ago and that was when we had gotten drunk with our friends and were having a great time. I picked my pen up and started to click it. It's almost as if Danny doesn't want to touch me. I'd be fine if she just told me she wasn't interested in sex, but sometimes when I try to touch her it's like I did something wrong and I apologize for it and move on. We never talk about it and I honestly don't want to know. It was never really a problem until we started to live together full time before and after we got married. Now I wonder if it was such a good idea in the first place, but we're married so we have to make it work. We have to try. We at least have to try.

 

 

 

 

 

"You look stressed out," Carmilla pointed out as she walked over to me with her blanket.

"Just stuff at work."

Her arm went across my shoulders with the blanket. "Sorry to hear that cupcake. Maybe some Buffy will cheer you up." She kept her arm around my shoulder and gave me a side hug.

I sighed and leaned my head on her shoulder. "I hope so. I can use some cheering up right now."

"Well press play then creampuff."

I pressed play on my laptop and snuggled against her side while pulling the blanket to cover myself more.

After the episode had ended I pressed paused on the second one and sighed. "Is it bad for a couple to not have sex often?" I asked quickly before I could change my mind.

"Yeah it’s called marriage."

"Carmilla!" I slapped her thigh and pulled away to glare at her.

She laughed and tugged on my shoulder to pull me back against her. I resisted then eventually caved and snuggled back against her. "No but seriously marriage." I slapped her thigh again and could just feel her smirk. "Honestly some couples never have sex, some have it often, some always have it, and everyone else is somewhere in between. It just really depends on the couple and what they want."

"So it's not weird?"

"No creampuff it's not weird."

I sighed. "Thanks Carm."

"You're welcome."

I started the next episode feeling a lot better about my situation with Danny. It's probably just our relationships normal.

I relaxed more into Carmilla's side as she began to trace mindless patterns on my shoulder. She was very warm and comfortable. I adjusted my head on her shoulder a bit not being used to being able to sit next to someone and lean my head directly on their shoulder. It felt nice and easy. I watched the episode until I began to feel my eyes steadily closing.

"Laura," she called soothingly. "Laura. Hey come on wake up." I tucked my face into the crook of her neck. I felt her body vibrate with a chuckle. "Come on Laura you can't sleep outside." She gently shook my shoulder and I groaned, but opened my eyes anyway.

"You suck," I complained.

She smiled and shook her head. "You need to go to bed before it gets later."

I groaned. "Fine." She helped me up and held onto my laptop until I slipped through my window.

"Thanks Carm. I'll see you tomorrow night?"

She pulled the ends of her blanket tight around her. "Same as every night."

"Great. Good night."

"Good night." She turned and walked back to her apartment.

I shut my window then waited for her to climb back into her apartment. She caught me watching and gave me a small smile. I smiled back and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. I gave her a little wave. She actually waved back then mouthed the word "bed" at me. I rolled my eyes then moved away from the window. I set my laptop down on the coffee table in the living room to charge then went to bed.

I climbed into bed next to Danny and pulled the blankets up over my shoulders. She rolled over and wrapped her arm around my waist. She pulled me a bit closer to her and molded her body around me tucking my head under her chin. Normally I would find comfort in this, but tonight I don't. I sighed. Everything has been off ever since she accepted this new teaching position last winter and had to wait until this fall to make it permanent and I don't know how to fix it. I just hope everything is alright.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I passed by the window to see if Laura was outside already. I stopped when seeing a sticky note pressed against her window and a small package on the fire escape. I opened my window and climbed through. I walked over to the note and pulled it off the window.

_Surprise outing. Won't be back until very late._

_Enjoy the cookies though. I bought them for you :)_

I smiled and shook my head. I opened the packet of cookies and put one in my mouth. I walked back over to my apartment and slipped back inside. I stuck the sticky note in my pocket and walked to my room. There was a note from Ell waiting on top of our dresser. I picked it up, crumpled it, then threw it out in the bathroom trash. No point to reading it when all they ever say is having to leave early to stock the bar and get ready for the night. I grabbed another cookie and munched on it as I sat down on the edge of my bed. I leaned back on my elbows and put my foot up onto the bed. I finished the cookie and stared at the pictures on the dresser. It has been a while since I have seen Ell and spent time with her. I tilted my head back. She's been so busy there's been no time for us to just be together without interruption. I looked back to the pictures and bit my lip. Screw it. She can get pissed if she wants to. I got up and made my way out of the apartment.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked into the bar seeing the workers moving around taking tables off of what is usually the dance floor and moving them to the back. There were still some people sitting at side booths finishing their meals. I looked behind the bar for Ell, but didn't see her there. She must be in the back. I walked up to the bar where one of the workers was moving bottles around.

"Hey," I said getting their attention.

"What can I get you," the bartender said.

"I'm actually looking for Ell. Is she in the back or something?"

"Yeah. I can get her for you. Who do I say is looking for her?"

"Her girlfriend."

The bartender stepped back and glanced at the floor. "Right. I'll be back in a bit." She moved away and went into the back.

I leaned against the bar top and looked toward the doors that led to the back. I started to drum my knuckles against the bar top until finally Ell came out from the back. "Hey," she said sounding a bit raspy.

"Hey. Are you alright?"

She came up to me and kissed my cheek. "Yeah. My throat has just been hurting a bit lately from trying to yell over the music."

"Do you need me to get you any medicine or something."

"No. I already have some cough drops to chew on. Hopefully that helps." She wrapped her arms around my waist. "So what brings you here?"

"I hadn't seen you in a while and just missed you is all." I wrapped my arms around her neck.

She smiled. "Well I'm doing fine besides the voice. The manager is almost ready to give me a trial run of running this place myself soon."

"That's great to hear. Maybe we can celebrate sometime if you ever decide to take a day off."

"We will. I promise, but I really need to be getting back to work."

"Alright then." I kissed her lips tasting the honey flavor of cough drops. "I'll see you later."

"See you." She kissed my neck then pulled away to head to the back again.

I stood there for a moment watching her walk away and felt a weight being dropped on my chest. Kissing her felt so foreign. I don't know if it's because we haven't seen each other in a long while or because we seem to be moving in two different directions. Either way, we need to spend some time together and figure out what is going on because we can't keep going down the road we're going down. I miss her too much and I'm too in love to let her go.

I slipped my hands into my back pockets and turned on my heel to leave. Maybe once she takes up the manager position here everything will go back to the way it was if even only a little bit. I just need to see her more. That's all.


	5. Arguments and Truth

**_Laura_ **

I opened my mouth and she completely missed again. "Wow you really have bad aim," I teased.

She scowled and threw another popcorn straight at my forehead. "Maybe you just have a small mouth," she huffed.

I smiled and threw popcorn at her. She caught it in her mouth and munched on it. "So I was thinking," I began.

She threw another piece of popcorn at my mouth. "Why does that sound like you're about to ask me for something?"

"Maybe because I am."

"If you want an interview you have to go through my lawyer like everyone else creampuff."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not a journalist right now. I'm your friend."

She cocked her eyebrow up at me. "Friends huh?"

I tilted my head to the side. "Well what would you call us? I mean we watch Buffy together."

"And that makes us friends?"

I rolled my eyes. "Carm I'm being serious here."

She smirked and moved to sit next to me. "Fine. What is it?"

I turned so I could lean back against the railing. "I just want to know you better is all. I mean we've been watching Buffy together and some other shows as well and hang out almost every night, but I don't know a thing about you."

"Maybe I just like keeping my air of mystery," she said huskily sending chills down my spine. Nope. No. That should not be happening. Nope. No chills whatsoever.

I bumped my shoulder against hers. "I'm serious."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "What do you want to know about me cupcake?"

I chewed on my bottom lip. "What is your favorite animal?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes! Now answer the question."

She sighed. "Panthers."

"Favorite time of year and why?"

"Winter because I get to stay in and read."

"Favorite food?"

"Steak."

"Favorite candy?"

"Sour patch kids."

"Really?"

She shrugged. "I had a friend who was allergic to peanuts, so it was easier to buy sour patch kids for the both of us."

"You had friends?"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "I'm not socially inept. I just hate most people."

"Right. Sorry." I chewed on my bottom lip and furrowed my eyebrows. "Favorite artist?"

"Joan Jett. My favorite band is Queen because of Freddy Mercury."

I nodded my head. "His voice is awesome."

She quirked an eyebrow up. "You like Freddy Mercury?"

I shrugged. "My dad is a big Queen fan."

She smirked. "Good to know."

I leaned my head back and stared at the stars. "Why a bookstore?"

She leaned her head back as well and closed her eyes. She stayed silent for a while. "My father loved to read to me every chance he got to. He even had a room filled with books. Eventually I began to spend more time with books than people. After he died books were the only things that made me feel close to him. They made me feel safe even when I wasn't."

I slipped my hand into hers and laced our fingers together. "Thank you for telling me."

"Well you did ask."

"I know, but you didn't have to answer."

She turned to look at me with weighted eyes. "If it's you, I don't mind."

I gave her a small smile and bumped my shoulder against hers. "Thanks for trusting me."

She bumped my shoulder back. "It's not that hard to."

I smiled and caressed her hand with my thumb. "What was your favorite memory with your dad?"

"Besides when he read to me, I guess it would have to be the times he would wake me up in the middle of the night to go outside and look at the stars." She let go of my hand and turned around so she could look out to the sky. "He would set up a blanket outside on the yard for us to lie on as we both just stared up at the night sky." Her hand went up to point at the stars, but I kept my eyes on her. She was beautiful as she got lost in her memories. "He used to point up at the sky and help me find the different constellations and tell me the stories behind them." She lowered her hand to rest on top of mine. It sent electricity up my arm and through my body. "He would even make up stories sometimes like how the Little Dipper wanted to grow up too fast and be like their sibling the Big Dipper, but they ended up taking a shrinking potion instead of a growth one making them become small forever." She smiled. "He told me not to grow up too fast and to enjoy all the things that come with growing up because I may miss something one day." She looked to me with the stars in her eyes. "I miss him, but when I look at the stars I know he's right here with me."

I looked away down to our hands. "Sounds like you had a lot of fun."

"I did."

I looked up at her and saw her looking down at our hands. "What are you thinking about?"

She slipped her hand under mine. "Just that I never really told anyone that."

"Why not?"

She shrugged and looked up at me. "Guess I've never felt really comfortable telling someone before."

I smiled. "Well I'm glad you're comfortable enough to share it with me."

"So am I." The right side of her mouth lifted in a small smile. "So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"What's your best memory?"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I looked down at our hands. "My mother and I used to make Sunday breakfast every week. We never missed a day even when I was sick or she was sick. We would sit in the kitchen and watch each other cook." I gulped down the knot of emotions building in my throat. "We made chocolate chip pancakes with extra chocolate chips and she would have the radio on in the kitchen with the volume up as loud as possible." I lifted my head up to lean back against the railing. "She would sing at the top of her lungs even though she was never on key and would dance around the kitchen. The best part was when she would pull me up onto her feet since I was so small and dance around with me." I smiled and tried very hard not to cry. "I mostly remember the sound of her laugh and how she smelled of pancake mix. Even though I have pictures of her, the way her face looked in that moment has slowly begun to fade away." I bowed my head. "I'm forgetting what she looks like in my memories and it hurts so much." I felt the tears slowly make their way down my cheeks.

The warmth of her hand disappeared from under mine and was replaced by her arm wrapping across my shoulders and pulling me against the side of her body. "I know." And she did.

She knew what I was talking about. She understood what I was feeling. She kissed the top of my head as I tucked it against the crook of her neck. I let the tears fall freely onto her shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her waist and felt the shaking of her own body. Her head ducked down to press against my shoulder and I felt the wetness of her tears fall against it. I pressed a comforting kiss to her neck and held her tighter against me.

Despite the sadness that wracked through my body, I still felt some solace in being with her like this. I felt the easing warmth of her arm as it held me together and I felt the weight of her sadness washing over my body in a way that wasn't burdensome. It was comforting in its own right. I rubbed my thumb against her side soothingly. I only hope she is finding some comfort in me as well.

* * *

**_Carmilla_ **

"Carmilla," he said coldly.

"William," I responded curtly.

"What do you want?"

"To come in obviously." He eyed me angrily.

I ran my fingers through my hair scratching at my scalp. "You know what never mind." I turned around to leave.

"Hold on." I looked over my shoulder at him. "Come in." He opened his door wider.

I bit down on my bottom lip and slipped my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket as I walked into his apartment. "Thanks."

He closed the door behind him and I went to sit down on his couch. He came over with two beers and handed me one before sitting next to me. "Why did you come here?" He asked bluntly.

I took a sip of my beer and leaned back into his couch. "Dad," I answered simply feeling the rush of sadness that had taken over last night when I was with Laura.

He stiffened in his seat. "Why?"

I sighed and began to pick at the label on the beer bottle. "I was thinking of him last night."

"And?" He pushed.

I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair pulling it out of my face. "And I can't lose you too," I answered shakily.

His body turned toward me. "You're not going to lose me kitty."

"I feel like I am because of this mess with mother," I whispered.

He sighed heavily. I watched him from the corner of my eye as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm pissed off because you should have trusted me more, but you're not going to lose me."

"I'm sorry."

He began to pick at the label of his beer. "I know. I'm just still pissed off. You made a decision without me involved and tricked me into signing papers. Do you really think I would give her a part of the company without good reason?" He asked dismayed.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I never know with you because you've always been a Momma's Boy at the end of the day."

He groaned and set his beer down on the table. "This is so my fault," I said while rubbing the back of his neck with his hands.

"What do you mean?"

He put his elbows on his knees and stared at the coffee table. "I only ever acted like a Momma's Boy because it was the only way I knew how to get her to back off you enough not to kill you." He leaned back and stared at me. "She was willing to do more than just whip you with a belt and throw a few punches and kicks."

"Or lock me in a closet," I added.

He nodded his head. "I figured out that being nice to her got her to back off you long enough for you to lock yourself in your room or disappear for a few nights without her noticing. Granted I stepped on eggshells a lot and got my own backlash for it, but mostly she was content if one of her children listened to what she said." He reached out and squeezed my knee. "I don't forgive her for hurting us and mostly hurting you, but I have my reasons for wanting to give her a small part of our company."

"And what reason is that because you didn't exactly get to that part of your ranting."

He tilted his head to the side and gave me a pleading look. "She's pregnant and I don't want her raising the kid. I don't want that kid to end up being hurt like we were by her." I opened my mouth and he held his hand up. "I'm not done." I closed my mouth and glared and him. "She's also in the final stages of cancer and probably won't be alive for very long and the father of her kid won't take the baby, so she wants to make sure the kid is set up with something financially." He looked down at the floor.

"Technically this kid is our sister since mother is well our mother unfortunately, but at the end of the day we can't leave family out in the cold. I can't leave this kid without a family."

I took a long draft from my beer then set it down on the coffee table next to his. "You're right." I sat back and looked at him. "Blood related or not, that baby is still going to be our little sister even though mother treated us like shit, she at least didn't put us up for adoption like she could have since we aren't her blood related children."

He smiled. "So we're going to give her a small portion of the company?"

"I'll check in and see if we can bypass the family owned clause of the company charter that father had put in place so we can give a third of the company directly to the child once they're born. If that's not possible then we can get together to draft some paper work for mother to sign."

He nodded his head. "I should also tell you that I may or may not have said yes to taking custody over the kid once mother passes," he said worriedly.

"You are such a nice guy," I teased.

He smirked. "It's our little sister. Can you blame me?"

"No. You've always been the kind hearted one."

"You can be kind too when you want to be."

I thought back to last night with Laura. "Yeah I guess." I tucked some of my hair behind my ear. "I will do joint custody with you if that would make things easier for you."

He perked up. "Are you serious?"

"As much as I'll probably regret it later on, yes I will."

He threw his arms around me and hugged me tight. "Thank you!"

"Ugh yes alright let go you big sap," I grumbled.

He gave me a sloppy kiss on the cheek and let go. "Thanks you big softie," he teased.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and grabbed my beer to finish it off. "Just one more thing."

"Anything."

"No more keeping things from me. I need you to be honest and tell me everything that is going on from now on."

He grabbed his beer and held it out to me. "Of course."

I knocked my beer against his. "Cheers."

He nodded his head and grabbed the remote to his TV. "So what do you want to watch."

I topped off my beer and set down. "Anything, but I want to hear more about mother having cancer since she hasn't shared that particular information with me."

He turned the TV on. "She would have if you had gone to lunch that day I asked you to." I stared at him curiously. He set the remote down and sighed. "She wanted to tell us both, but you never want to meet with her so she told me that day. She's known for months now and unfortunately they caught it too late to do anything about it that will help her to overcome it. She wanted to use that lunch to also apologize for everything she had put us through even though we probably would never forgive her, but she wanted to say it anyway and to also tell us of her pregnancy and asking us if we would be willing to take care of the kid. That's when the discussion of the company came in."

"I can't forgive her you know."

He nodded his head. "I know which is why I didn't want to tell you any of this even though she asked me to since she knows you'll listen to me. You need to hear it from her regardless if you forgive her or not. You still need to hear it from her."

I sat cross legged on the couch. "I don't think I can hear it from her without getting angry."

"I know." He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "If it will help I can be there with you when you meet with her."

I began to pick at my nail polish. "That would be great, but I think I need to meet with her on my own."

"Ok." He let go of my shoulder.

"What type of cancer is it?"

"Stage IV breast cancer or metastatic breast cancer."

I let out a deep breath and sat back. "How is she even still functioning let alone about to have a baby?"

"It's no too bad right now, but it will get worse in the next few months that she’s pregnant. There is the chance she won't survive child birth whether she has a C-section or not depending on how far the cancer spreads by that time."

"So there's the possibility she won't even get to see her baby?"

"No."

I shook my head. "Is there anything we can do?"

"Other than make sure the kid is taken care of? No there isn't."

"Even though she made my life a living hell, if there's anything I can help with let me know."

"I will."

I leaned my head back against the couch. "How long has she known about it?"

"Just this past month. She found out when she went in to get checked because she was sick every morning, so she found out both at the same time."

"How far along is she?"

"Four months now."

"Seriously let me know if she needs anything, but don't tell her I helped."

"I won't"

I sat up and reached for the remote. "Got any more beers?"

"Of course." He got up and went to the kitchen to grab us some more beers.

Mother was a bitch and would beat me for any little reason, but she didn't put us up for adoption even though we weren't her kids. I don't know why, but I was thankful for being able to stay in the house I grew up in with all of the memories of my father despite all of the bad things that came with it. Regardless of blood relation, her baby is still my little sister and I will take care of her and give her a better life than I had growing up.

 

 

 

 

I sat down on the bed and began to pull my boots off. I heard the door open and close and sighed. Maybe Ell won't have to work tonight and I can actually spend time with her. I sighed even harder as I listened to her stomp down the hallway. Or maybe we end up arguing instead. I pulled my boots back on.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" I rubbed at my cheeks then leaned forward letting my elbows rest on my thighs.

"That you had gotten your license to be a foster parent!"

"Well that's not exactly something I can tell you as you walk out the door to go to work. It's something that requires longer than two minutes to explain."

"So not telling me at all is better?"

I looked down at my watch to see that it was 8:30 PM. "If you don't leave now you'll be late to work."

"Don't evade my question Carmilla!"

I stood up. "What do you want me to say? I couldn't tell you because you're never here!" I yelled then pushed past her into the hallway.

"I am trying to take over managing a club. Of course I'm never here!" She countered.

"Then why are you bringing this up then?"

"Because I ran into Perry on the way here to change and she told me what you're doing for Elsie. Do you know how embarrassing it is not to know what the hell is going on with your partner and have to hear it from someone else and admit you had no idea what is you're doing?"

I turned to face her and raised my arms in the air and shrugged. "What the hell do you think I do all the time when people ask how you're doing? I have no fucking clue as to how you're doing or what you're doing, so yes I know the embarrassment because you put me through it every single day."

"That's bullshit you know what I'm doing!"

"You're working on becoming a manager, but when was the last time we spent longer than a few minutes together before you had to go or before I had to go to work? You're never here so I don't know how you're doing or what specifically it is you're doing. It's like you're some damn one night stand who comes to fuck me, sleep, and then slip out as soon as you can."

She pointed her finger at me. "I can't believe you just fucking said that."

"Where's the lie though? Can you tell me because I don't see it anywhere?" I threw my hands up then lowered them back down to my sides.

"Fuck you Carmilla!"

"That seems to be the only thing you have time for nowadays."

"Fuck. You," she punctuated then grabbed her coat.

"Perfect you're going to leave as usual."

"I don't have time for this."

"You never have time for anything!"

She grabbed her keys and stormed out of the apartment slamming the door as hard as possible. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes off the kitchen counter then threw the window open and stepped out onto the fire escape. Laura leaned her cheek into her hand and gave me a worried look. I lit my cigarette and turned to look out to the city. I threw my pack and lighter through the window then leaned forward taking a long drag from my cigarette. I blew the smoke out to my left as to not get it in her face. I flicked the ashes off the end and held the cigarette between my fingers as I calmed down.

"How much of that did you hear?"

"Well that depends."

"On what?"

"How much of it you want me to hear."

I looked at her and saw the concern still plastered on her face. "I would prefer if you heard nothing."

She nodded her head then looked away. "Then I heard nothing."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I took another drag of my cigarette and looked out at all of the lights of the city. I got lost in them to the point that I jumped a bit when I felt her arms go around my waist. I relaxed and put my cigarette out. She was warm against my back and I could feel my pent up anger slowly draining out of my body thanks to her. I wrapped my arms over hers and closed my eyes.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"It looked like you needed a hug," she answered and I felt her breath tickle the side of my neck.

"Thanks cupcake."

"You're welcome."

I sighed and turned in her arms. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around my waist tighter and buried her face into the crook of my neck. I sighed at how warm she was both bodily and emotionally. She was burning away my anger and keeping me warm since I forgot to put my leather jacket back on. It was a good feeling and one I didn't know I needed until now. Everything besides her in this moment just seems to fade away and I like it.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I scratched my head then ran my fingers through my hair as I bit down on the pencil I held between my teeth. I stared at my computer screen going through the articles I had to edit before sending them out to be printed. I pulled the pencil out of my mouth and took down some notes to give the writer, Natalie, so she could see what areas she needs to work on. Being one of the few people besides Betty who can not only write, but edit articles was tiring at times. It also doesn't help when I stay up late at night watching Buffy with Carmilla. We were especially up later than usual last night only to get back to our own apartments when she got a text at three in the morning from her girlfriend. She sighed and said she was going to go to bed, but honestly I wonder if she even went to sleep or if she stayed up all night doing something else. The argument I overheard did not sound good. Especially since it seems it was about her girlfriend not being around much.

I put the pencil back between my teeth. It's none of my business in the first place. I should just forget about it.

"How's the editing going?" Betty asked taking her seat next to me.

I pulled the pencil back out of my mouth and twirled it between my fingers. "Fine, but this Natalie girl needs some work on putting more emotion into her pieces especially since she's writing about charities that need money in order to stay afloat."

Betty sighed. "Typical. She can't seem to nail it even after being told for the past three months now."

"If she's been like this for three months why is she still working here?"

"The main boss likes to give people a chance, but if she doesn't improve in the next two months she will be let go."

I looked down at Natalie's article. "Has anyone thought of putting her on the science team of the article?"

Betty cocked her eyebrow up at me. "No why?"

I shrugged. "It seems like she may do better working with that column since she does not do well with putting empathy into her pieces."

Betty swiveled in her chair for a bit. "I will take that to the boss and see if we can get her transferred over."

"Great." I put my pencil back between my teeth and began to go over the article again in case I miss something.

"How have you been?"

I glanced over at Betty taking the pencil back out of my mouth. "Fine why?"

"You still look pretty tired is all especially today."

I shrugged. "I stayed up later than usual watching Buffy."

She hummed and nodded her head. "Have you settled in already?"

I tilted my head from one side to the other. "I guess. Why?"

"I was wondering if I could steal you away from your wife for a girls night out."

I smiled. "You buying?"

She rolled her eyes. "Of course...the first round."

I smirked. "Sounds tempting, but I don't know."

She sighed. "Fine the first two rounds."

"So where did you want to go?" I asked happily.

"There's a bar downtown called the Lustig that I usually go to. They have good music and great drink specials."

"Alright. When did you want to go?"

"Well since we don't work Saturdays, I was thinking we go tonight. Finish up what we can here and put it off until we get over our hangovers tomorrow."

I tapped the pencil against the desk. "I can do that. I'll just let my wife know I'll be going out then."

"Great. I'll text you when I'm outside your apartment."

"Sounds good."

She got up from her seat and walked over to one of the other editors to check in with them about their progress. I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket and typed a quick message to Danny then set it face down on my desk. A night out with Betty sounds nice since I haven't been out drinking and dancing in ages. I put the pencil back between my teeth and kept reading through Natalie's article fixing it up then moved on to the next piece. I am looking forward to tonight.

 

 

 

 

I walked into the apartment and tossed my keys into the tray and slipped out of my shoes. I slid my jacket off and slung it over the arm of the couch.

"Did you not get my message?"

I jumped a bit. "Geeze Danny make a noise or something to let me know you're behind me."  
She shoved off the dividing wall for the kitchen and living room and stared at me. "Did you get my message?"

"What message?" I pulled my phone out and realized I had a few messages from Danny and not just one like she's trying to imply she sent. I also realized I had my phone on silent the whole day. "What were they about?" I asked tiredly.

"Seriously?"

I sighed. "You know I sometimes forget to switch my phone off silent when I'm at work."

"Really that's what you're going with?" She said slightly angry.

I frowned. "What's the issue?"

She shook her head. "Laura I don't want you going out to some club."

I raised my eyebrow up at her and crossed my arms. "Excuse me?"

She began to gather up her hair in her hands. "I said I don't want you going to a club." She tied her hair back into a pony tail then stared at me worriedly.

"And why not?"

"I just don't want something to happen to you is all."

"I'm going to be going with Betty," I pointed out.

"Who you've only known for a month," she countered.

"And your point is what exactly?" I bit back.

She glanced down at the ground. "I just want you to be safe."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Really Danny? You know I've had years of training in Krav Maga which I still practice whenever I get the time to, so I can protect myself just fine. Now if you're done being an over protective dad right now I'm going to go get ready and if you want to come with me Betty invited you as well before I left work."

"Laura," she plead.

"No Danny. I don't need you to protect me and I will be fine." I walked out of the living room to our bedroom and searched my closet for something to wear.

Where does she get off telling me what I can and cannot do? Yes we're married, but that still doesn't give her the right to dictate what I do or who I hang out with. It's just going to be me and Betty at the club having fun since this month has been stressful with everyone forgetting they had actual deadlines. Worse of all though is that she is acting like my dad. He's so over protective he forced me into Krav Maga which in the end I ended up loving, but still. He would try to keep me home and I spent the majority of my high school years sneaking out to go have fun with my friends. If she thinks she can lock me in our apartment and stop me from going than she has another thing coming. I will not be sheltered, not even in marriage.

"Laura," she said pleadingly.

"If the next words out of your mouth isn't that you're going with me then I don't want to hear it," I snapped.

"Laura please."

I sighed and closed my eyes to take a deep breath to settle myself. I unclenched my fists and looked at her. "You can't protect me from everything Danny. The world doesn't work that way. I'm sorry to say this, but what happened to Kirsch doesn't give you the right to keep me from ever doing something or going somewhere. I am still an individual."

She looked at me with glossy eyes as tears began to pool at the corners. She shrugged off the door frame and tried to blink away the tears. "I know." She turned her back on me and left down the hallway.   
I sighed and pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Betty. I hung my clothes back up and changed into my pajamas. I made my way down the hallway and saw Danny sitting on the couch with her face in her hands. I sat down next to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to remind you of what happened to Kirsch."

She wiped her face cleaning off the tears that had rolled down her cheeks. "No you're right. You can take care of yourself and I shouldn't be over protective. I just...I just can't shake the feeling of being over protective because I want to make sure you come home to me." She shook her head. "Honestly you told me I was over protective before and with what happened to Kirsch it seems like that part of me has gotten over bearing now."

I rubbed the back of her neck. "It's part of who you are. Yes it can get over bearing, but you need to remember that I can take care of myself. I don't need you to protect me from the bad things that could happen because there's just too many things out there that you can't control."

"I know."

I kissed her cheek. "Let's watch a movie or something since neither of us have to get up early tomorrow."

She nodded her head. I got up from the couch and began to search through our DVDs. "You know I love you right?" She asked tentatively.

"I know." I looked at her with a small smile. "I love you too." I picked out a random movie and threw it in the DVD player then sat down next to her. I hugged her around her waist.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night."

I kissed her shoulder. "My night isn't ruined. This is just as good."

She kissed the top of my head. "You're too good to me."

I looked up at her. "You need me more right now."

She smiled and wrapped her arm around me then pulled me against her as she leaned back. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

 

 

 

 

I slipped out of the bed as quietly as possible then made my way down the hallway. I looked out the window to see Carm sitting on her window sill with one leg tucked under her other that she was swinging back and forth. Her hands were tucked into the pockets of her leather jacket and she was staring up at the sky. I opened up my window and climbed onto the sill. I crossed my legs and looked up at the sky as well.

"Is it bad to want to help someone the way you wished someone had helped you?" She asked after a long period of silence.

"If you have the means to help someone why shouldn't you?"

There was a long pause of silence while she thought. "I became a foster parent in order to help out an employee of mine and my other employee just got his paperwork done as well since she lives with him, so he's also responsible for her, but I wanted to help her because she was being abused and I wanted her to be somewhere safe. I didn't get a chance to tell my girlfriend this because she's always busy, so she found out from the case worker and that's why she got angry."

"Have you spoken to her since your argument?"

"It takes her a few days to calm down before we can talk without blowing up at each other."

"I think you're doing the right thing even if other people don't."

She nodded her head. "What are your thoughts about raising your step mother's child as your younger sister even though you're not blood related?"

I pulled my knees up to my chest. "Is she your sister or not?"

"Well yeah she is."

"Then it doesn't matter if you're blood related or not. You have the same mother whether she was a good one or not and whether or not she was your biological mother. If that is your sister then she's your sister. Nothing else matters."

She got up and went to stand in front of the railing of the fire escape and gripped it in her hands. "Thank you."

"For what?" I got up and moved over to stand next to her.

"For not saying I'm crazy."

I shrugged and wrapped an arm around her lower back and bumped my head against her shoulder.

"You're not crazy. You know who your family is and you have a big heart."

She kissed the top of my head then wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Thanks cupcake."

I kissed her cheek. "You're welcome."

I stepped into her more and buried my face into the crook of her neck. She squeezed my shoulder and kissed the top of my head again. I breathe in the scent of old and new books mixed with vanilla and cigarette smoke. It was a weird mixture, but for some reason it works for her and I like it.

"Laura?" I heard Danny call out into the apartment.

I untangled myself from Carmilla. "Good luck with her," she said.

I bit my lip and looked into my apartment. "It does take time for things to get through," I said hinting at her own problems as well.

"Goodnight creampuff."

"Goodnight Carm."

 

 

 

 


	6. Night Out

**_Carmilla_ **

"Kitty," Will said as I opened the door to him.

"Willy Boy." I opened the door more and let him in.

He went over to the couch and grabbed one of the beers I had set out already. I went over and plopped down next to him. "So what's with the house call? You hardly ever let me come to your apartment."

"That's because you always criticize my apartment and try to talk me into moving into a bigger one."

"Well you do have the money."

"No," I said firmly.

He smirked and drank his beer. "So I saw mother recently and you haven't talked to her since our last chat."

"Yes well she's the reason why I called you here."

"You checked to make sure she was actually sick," he asked disheartened.

"It's not that I didn't believe you. I just had to know for myself."

He shook his head. "Are you satisfied now?"

I frowned. "Will. I mean it. It isn't because I didn't believe you."

He scratched his forehead with his thumb nail. "Alright fine, but that's not why you called me here," he said bitterly.

I sighed and set my beer down. "No it's not." I got up and went to the kitchen to grab the file I had left on the counter. "I had our lawyers look into the family owned only clause father had put into place to see if there is a loop hole somewhere so we could give our sister a part of the company after she is born." I sat down and handed him the folder. "Unfortunately that's not possible under any circumstance regardless if mother was his wife when he passed away."

He looked through the folder quickly scanning the pages. "So we do have to give mother a part of the company then."

"I have to."

He looked up at me with furrowed brows. "You have to?" He asked.

"When you signed the contract that kept you from being able to give mother a part of the company, it took away your vote when it comes to our company and giving it to her."

He shook his head. "Wow you really did screw me over with that." He closed the file and set it down on his lap.

"Sorry again," I said. I grabbed my beer. "I have to sign off on her getting a part of the company."

He smiled slyly. "Oh I definitely want to be in the room when you do that."

"Screw you!" I hit him with the couch pillow.

He chuckled and set his beer down. "So when are you going to meet with mother?"

"After our lawyers draw up a contract that we both are comfortable with."

He tilted his head to the side. "You already drew up a contract." He opened the folder on his lap and searched through it.

"I'm not going to leave you out again."

He pulled the contracts that had been drawn up. His eyes scanned the document slowly. "Is giving mother such a small part of the company wise if we're trying to take care of our sister?"

"You do realize that a tenth of the company would still make her a millionaire right?"

"Yes but she's our sister and I don't exactly want her to feel left out or that we don't love her because she's that evil women's daughter and not even related to us by blood," he countered.

"Well instead of being an asshole maybe you should try to finish reading the damn contract," I snapped.

He rolled his eyes and continued reading the contract. He sucked on his teeth and closed it. "Alright, but you know we're going to have to explain this to mask when she gets older and has access to these documents."

"Matska?"

He set the file down on the coffee table. "Mother has decided to name her Matska after the father's sister since she passed away at the age of five."

"Wait isn't this the same guy who doesn't want anything to do with the baby?"

He took a swig of his beer and nodded. "That's the one."

"Then why does Mother even want to name the kid after anyone in his family?"

He scratched his head. "Honestly I can say she might be utterly in love with him after he just used her like she used our dad."

I shook my head. "Love is a bitch sometimes."

"Why do you think I'm still single," he joked.

"Whatever. I hope someone ties your ass down eventually."

"Why so I can be as boring as you?"

"I am not boring you asshole." I smacked him with the couch pillow again repeatedly.

"Ok ok stop!!!" He laughed.

I stopped pummeling him with the couch pillow. "Idiot."

"Love you too Kitty." He looked around the apartment. "Speaking of being in a relationship, how are you and Ell?"

I scratched the side of my head then ran my fingers through my hair. "Not so good right now."

"Having a lovers quarrel huh?"

"Something like that."

"Tell me more about this fight you two had."

"I'd rather not."

"Oh? And why not?"

"Because I already know what you think of her." I got up from the couch to grab another beer.

"She's a fake ass bitch. Sorry that I can't prove that to you right now."

"I don't want to hear it William." I sat back down and propped my feet up on the coffee table.

"So we're back to William huh?"

"You insult my girlfriend I call you by your full name jerk."

He shook his head. "I don't trust her."

"You never trusted any of my girlfriends."

"And I have always been right about them Carmilla."

I picked at the label on my beer. "You're wrong about her."

"If I'm wrong I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong about her."

"Yeah well I'd still appreciate it if you stayed out of my damn love life."

He held his hands up in surrender. "Fine."

I took a long draft of my beer. "What do you think of the contract?" I asked changing the subject.

"It's good, but you need to add in that mother cannot turn over her share of the company to anyone other than her daughter and I hate to say this, but if in the event something happens and her daughter is not born or passes away, the share will default back to us."

I nodded my head. "For someone who hates reading contracts, you're not bad at making them."

He shrugged. "Well getting burned by your sister tends to make you want to change your habits."

"Maybe I should screw you over more often."

"Shut up and make the damn contract."

I laughed and shook my head. "I'll message our lawyers."

"I still want to be there when you meet with her, but not to make fun of you," he clarified. "I just want to be there to support you and make sure she doesn't piss you off."

"I don't need you to protect me Will."

"No you don't, but I want to be there if you ask me for help."

I sighed. "Fine."

He nodded his head. "Now that business is taken care of, why don't you put on something to watch while I order us some Chinese."

"Now that's a plan I can get behind."

 

 

 

 

I tossed out the beer bottles from earlier and left the Chinese boxes on the coffee table. I'll toss them tomorrow on my way to work. I went over to my room and changed out of my leather pants and moon phases T-shirt tossing them to the side and threw my pajamas on. I heard the jiggle of the door knob of the front door and stepped into the hallway. The door opened and Ell looked up to stare at me. She tightened the grip on her keys and walked in closing the door behind her. She shrugged off her bag and set it by the door then made her way into the kitchen. I padded down the hallway and went to stand at the kitchen counter. She rummaged through the fridge for a bit then came out with some of the left over Chinese I had stuck in some tuber ware and pushed to the back. I tapped my finger nails on the counter and watched her move around the kitchen.

"Are you seriously not going to say anything right now?" I asked trying to hold back the bite in my voice.

She started the microwave then turned to look at me. She tapped her own finger nails against the counter. The microwave beeped and she pushed off the counter to grab the Chinese. "I'm sorry," she whispered. I cocked my eyebrow up at her. She fidgeted. "I'm sorry for disappearing instead of talking to you about it. I was just really pissed off and needed some time to cool down."

"It took a week for you to cool down?"

She picked at the noodles of the chow mein just moving it around in circles. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "You always do this you know that? Every time the argument gets too much for you you disappear."

"I know, but can you blame me?"

"Yes I can!" Her eyes widened. "You need to stay and talk to me not run off and then come back when you feel better. What about how I feel?" She looked down at her plate. "It's not easy for me to not worry when you're not here and I shouldn't have to worry because you don't want to answer your phone or come back home. You can't leave an argument just because you're uncomfortable because so am I, but you don't see me disappearing every time." I shoved off the counter. "You're not the only one in this relationship. I matter too." I walked away down the hallway and sighed. I pulled back the blankets and climbed into bed. Tonight is so not a good night to be around Laura or maybe it is since things always tend to melt away around her.

"I'm sorry." I looked over to the door. "I don't like feeling like I'm being left out of decisions that you make because I'm a part of them as well. You're right that there's not just one person in this relationship, so that also means you can't be making big decisions like becoming a foster parent without me because it affects me too. My life also has to change because of the decisions you make." She stepped into the room and came over to sit on the bed next to me. "I'm sorry I left, but I'm here now. I just want to be here with you."

I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. "Alright, but I'm too tired to talk right now." She stood up and began to change out of her clothes. "This conversation isn't over yet and there's more that I need to tell you since you've been gone for almost two weeks."

She nodded her head as she slipped into one of my big T-shirts. "We'll talk tomorrow I promise." She slipped into the bed next to me and settled in.

I got up and turned the room light off then climbed back into bed. After a few moments her arms snaked around my waist and she scooted closer pressing her body against mine more firmly. I didn't exactly want to be touched right now, but I also have missed her.

 

 

 

 

 

I snuck out of bed as quietly as possible then made my way to the fire escape. I prayed that Laura would be there and that she hadn't gone to bed yet. I got to the window and saw that she was bundled up with her laptop and headphones in her ear. I opened the window and slipped out onto the fire escape feeling the cold of the metal beneath my feet. She looked up and pulled the ear buds out of her ears. I made my way over to her and sat down. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and leaned my head on her shoulder. Her arm wrapped around my back and held me close to her.

"I've got you," she whispered.

And it felt like she really did.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I scrolled through my news app catching up on all of the latest news written by the other writers in the office. I jumped a little at the sound of the chairs in front of me scrapping against the tile. I looked up to see LaF smirking widely and Perry scowling at them. I closed my app and turned the screen off after making sure my phone was at least on vibrate.

"Jumpy frosh?" LaF asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Only when I'm not paying attention."

"For a journalist you don't pay attention a lot then," LaF said teasingly.

I glared at them. "Alright you two play nice," Perry cut in. She looked to me while grabing the menu. "How's the new job going sweetie?"

I stuck my tongue out at LaF then sat back. "Fine. It's a little tiring since they're an editor short and they have me filling in until they get someone new. Other than that, I've been getting my own stories to write more than at my last job."

"That's good to hear."

"Thanks Perry."

"So how's Danny doing?" LaF asked.

"She's good. She's a bit stressed and everything since she's still on probation right now, but things are going good and the students like her."

"Always better than her students hating her guts or you'll have to move."

I stared at them. "What do you mean?"

They slowly closed their menu. "She didn't tell you I see." I glowered at them. They began tapping on the table. "I don't know if I should be telling you this," they elaborated. I stared at them more ruefully. They sighed and scratched the back of their neck. "So I work closely with the department chair of the science department and they go to these meetings for all of the department chairs to do monthly reports and stuff, but they told me that Danny needs to get good reviews from her students at the end of the semester or she will be fired," they explained.

I grabbed the edge of the table angrily. "So basically we will either have to move back or I support her until she finds another job here?"

They nodded their head. "I'm sorry frosh. I really did think she told you about it."

I shook my head. "Of course she didn’t. She probably didn't tell me because she thought I couldn't handle it and because she didn't want me to worry about it."

"Oh Laura you know she doesn't like worrying you," Perry said trying to calm me down.

"I know which means she was trying to protect me from this information which is something I do not need. We're married for crying out loud. I need her to be honest not protect me from this information since it affects me too."

"Woah. Ok Hollis calm down," LaF said soothingly. "Look she's not right in keeping this from you, but she has her reasons and even if you don't agree with them, they're her reasons and she feels she's right in them. Just talk to her and remind her that there's two of you in this marriage and anything that one of you decides to do does affect the other."

I let go of the table and crossed my arms. "I can't believe her. After we had a conversation about her being over protective with me just a few days ago she still hasn't told me about this."

"Who knows sweetie. She may have just forgotten about it," Perry reasoned.

"She's right frosh. It could be that too since Danny does tend to forget things when she gets super busy or stressed," LaF supported.

I shook my head and bit my bottom lip. "You know what I'm not going to care right now." I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm here to see the both of you and hang out."

They shared a short look with one another. "When was the last time you went out and did something?" LaF asked.

I tilted my head and stared at them. "Why?"

"Because you sound like you need a night out away from work and Danny."

I looked at them and bit my lip. "I haven't been out in a long time by myself at least," I explained.

They nodded their head. "Alright frosh. The both of us are going to go out to a bar tonight then because you need to unwind."

I leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand. "Do you really think so?"

"I know so," they confirmed.

"Maybe."

"Come on Hollis. You need some time away from your spouse every once in a while."

"They're right. Sometimes you need time away in order to recharge and explore the things you love," Perry confirmed.

I looked from one to the other and furrowed my eyebrows. "You two need time away from one another?"

They both broke out into small smiles. "Just because we're always together doesn't mean we don't need to go off and do things on our own," LaF clarified.

"I like going to a cooking and needle work class every week and LaF enjoys going out to the bar with their biology peers," Perry explained.

"Even soulmates who have been together since they were little need a break from one another," LaF added.

I smiled. "Just never thought you two needed it."

They shrugged. "It's part of being in a relationship," Perry said.

"Right." I drummed my fingers on the table top. "Tonight then?"

"Of course frosh," LaF answered.

I nodded my head. "You message Danny because I don't want to deal with her again if she says no right away."

LaF cocked their eyebrow at me. "Again?"

I sighed. "She flipped out on me a while ago because I wanted to go to a club with a coworker. We talked about it, but I honestly don't want to deal with it again."

LaF frowned. "Are you serious?"

I ran my fingers through my hair. "Yes."

They sat back. "Laura are you happy?"

Perry elbowed them. "That's none of our business," she reprimanded.

"I am happy thank you," I said cutting into their nonverbal argument.

LaF rolled their eyes. "Alright I won't ask anymore," they said for Perry.

"Just message Danny for me and let's get some lunch because I am hungry," I said changing the subject quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked into the Lustig and began to look for LaF. I pulled my phone out to see if they had messaged me back then went for the bar. I leaned over it once I squeezed myself in between these two guys having a drinking contest. I saw their short red hair as they leaned forward a bit more to get the bartender's attention. I slipped back into the crowd then slipped in right next to them at the bar. They rolled their eyes and turned to possibly yell at me, but smiled wide when they saw it was me. The bartender placed to drinks in front of us and LaF paid them before taking my hand and leading me away to a small table that thankfully wasn't occupied at the moment.

"Nice of you to join me frosh!" LaF yelled over the booming music.

"Thanks for inviting me out!" I yelled back.

"Of course. Now down your drink and let's go dance frosh!"

I narrowed my eyes at them and they gave me a shit eating grin before we both raised our glasses. We began to chug our drinks seeing who could finish theirs first. I took big gulps determined to not let them beat me at this. I have yet to lose to them and I wasn't going to start now despite having not been out in ages. I lifted my hand and began to count back from five before I finally gulped down the last drop and slammed my glass down on the table. They frowned at me and finished the rest of theirs before putting their glass down.

"I win again!" I yelled throwing my hands up in victory.

"No way again!" LaF said hailing over a bartender and ordering another round of drinks.

Another five rounds and I still beat them. They scowled at having lost and I burst out in a round of giggles. I began to dance to the beat of the song that was playing. I reached over and grabbed their hand dragging them out onto the dance floor. I was very relaxed and enjoying the drunkenness that was beginning to settle in my body. They began to do their weird dance moves flailing their arms around and bobbing their head. I ran my fingers through my hair pulling a bit of it over my left shoulder. I lifted my arms into the air and began to sway my hips to the beat of the music. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to get lost in the song not really recognizing it since I haven't been listening to the latest music in a long while. It felt good to just get caught up in the music. It felt good to not feel like I was being suffocated by Danny's overprotectiveness. It felt good to actually feel like myself again. I've missed dancing and listening to loud music. I miss going to clubs and to concerts of my favorite artists. I miss the times before I got married where Danny would actually take me out to places to have fun. Most of all I miss the freedom.

I felt a pair of hands go onto my waist and a body slightly push up against my back. I opened my eyes and stepped out of the hold seeing LaF squint at the person behind me. I turned around to see it was some girl with long straight black hair. She was cute, but definitely not as pretty as Danny or as beautiful as Carm. Wait. Why did I think of Carm? I wrapped my arms around the girl and let her hands settle back onto my waist. Carm is beautiful, so I guess that's why. No denying that Carm is sexy, but this girl is definitely not Carm level of sexy. I wish I was as sexy as Carm. That's it. I'm just jealous of how sexy Carm is that's all. The girl pulled me closer and I tangled my fingers in her hair. The color of her hair was only a shade lighter than Carm's.  It also wasn't curly like Carm's. Darn I forgot to leave Carm a note letting her know I wouldn't be able to watch Buffy with her tonight.

I got even closer to the girl feeling how she ground against my leg. She bent her head down and her hot lips found purchase on my neck. She began to drag kisses up my neck. Her fingers dug into my waist. I closed my eyes and then stepped back feeling a sudden chill run up my spine. She looked at me confused and the ring on my finger began to burn through my skin with the weight of the fact that I'm married. I shouldn't have encouraged this girl. I turned around to look for LaF and found them at the table we had been sitting at earlier. The girl reached out for my arm and I brushed her off easily. Maybe going out was a bad idea especially since I completely forgot about Danny. Danny who is so sweet and thpughtful. Danny who makes me feel safe and cared for. Danny who I wish would touch and kiss me like this girl was. Danny who I wished would just need me like Carm had needed me the other day. Danny who would talk to me like Carm does or listen the way she does. I sighed and sat down across from LaF. I was still very drunk, but I really did want to go home now.

"Ready to go frosh?" LaF asked.

I nodded my head. I reached out for their hand and let them guide me out of the club. I looked down at my watch and hadn't realized that it was almost two in the morning by this point. I rubbed at my forehead. I really have become a light weight since the last time I went out. I wrapped my arm around LaF's and leaned against them as they walked me down to my apartment. They pulled out their phone and began texting Perry I can assume. I patted my pockets to make sure I still had my wallet and keys as they did so. They yanked me and I avoided slipping off the curb of the sidewalk. They shook their head and squinted their eyes looking for the right apartment building. I may be a light weight now, but LaF at least was as drunk as I was since they usually only squint so much when they're super drunk. They must have been drinking while dancing.

They led me up to my apartment building then climbed into the elevator with me. I leaned my head on their shoulder feeling the tiredness from dancing and the alocohl. I wonder if Carm is mad that I didn't watch Buffy with her or leave her a note. Oh I have to be super quiet or Danny will get mad that I woke her up. If she sees me like this she'll never let me go out again. I frowned. She's not my father. I can go out and get as drunk as I want to. The elevator doors opened and LaF led me to my apartment. I fumbled with the keys as I tried to get my door open. I finally got the key into the hole and turned the lock. I peeked into the apartment real quick to see that it was super dark and quiet. Yup can't wake up Danny or else. I closed the door and turned to LaF.

"Thanks for tonight," I whispered.

"No problem frosh. Drink some water yeah. Then message me tomorrow k?"

I nodded my head and threw my arms around them. I kissed their cheek. "I mean it. Thanks."

"Yeah yeah frosh. Lemme go and go drink some water already. I have a very beautiful red head picking me up soon."

I frowned. "But I'll miss you."

"Message me when you wake up and we'll go get some grub cool?"

I nodded my head. "Ok." I kissed their cheek again and saluted them. "Goodnight Obi-Wan."

"Goodnight Princess Leia."

They stumbled back and I watch them hold their arms out as they made their way to the elevator. They disappeared into the elevator and I walked into my apartment. I set my keys down as quietly as I can into the bowl then stumbled out of my shoes. I walked through the apartment in the dark then stopped to stare out the window to the fire escape. I walked over to the window and pulled it open. I began to crawl through it, but my foot got caught and I instead fell out of it and landed on my back. The cold battered my body and the sweat that covered my body began to feel like someone dumped me in a tub of ice cubes. My foot was still resting on the window sill and I was too comfortable to move right now. I closed my eyes feeling the sleepiness take over my body. I rested my hands over my stomach and felt relaxed at being surrounded by the noise of the city and the stars that hovered in the sky. I felt myself being dragged deeper into sleep.

"Cupcake you shouldn't fall asleep out here. You'll catch pneumonia."

I opened my eyes to see Carm kneeling above me. I reached out to trace her sharp jawline. "Too comfy to move," I whined.

She shook her head and disappeared from my view. I lifted my head and saw her sitting against the railing. "Come here creampuff. You need to drink this." She held up a cup.

"No more alcohol," I protested and moved to get closer to her.

"It's water," she clarified.

I sat down next to her. "Mmmmm...sthank you," I slurred slightly.

She smirked and shook her head. "You're welcome."

I chugged down the cup of water then set it aside. I stared at her for a moment then twisted my body so I could rest my head in her lap. "Sleep time."

She shook her head and covered the top of me with the blanket she had wrapped around her so she could still be covered. "Only for a little bit you drunk."

I nodded my head and snuggled into her more. I turned onto my side and wrapped an arm around her waist and buried my face closer to her stomach. She was emitting a lot of heat and I wanted to absorb it all. "Sthank you."

"Whatever." Her fingers began to thread through my hair. It wasn't long until I was falling asleep and then eventually completely out like a light.

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up with a start and sat up looking around feeling highly confused. The last thing I remember was Carmilla taking care of me on the fire escape. I took in everything around me and saw that I was in my apartment with one of my extra blankets covering me. I swung my legs off the edge of the couch at the sound of cooking going on in the kitchen. I stood up hearing some of my bones pop then stretched out my back a bit getting it to pop some. I smelled the scent of chocolate chip pancakes and made my way to the kitchen. I peeked around the dividing wall to see Danny cooking pancakes and bacon with eggs.  
She turned to look at me as I leaned against the diving wall finally feeling the raging headache I had.

"Nice of you to finally wake up," she teased.

"What happened?" I grumbled trying to fit the pieces of last night together.

She flipped a pancake. "It looks like you got so drunk lady night you couldn't even make it to our bedroom." She licked some chocolate off her thumb. "It woke up finding you on the couch and got a blanket to cover you up. Thankfully you weren't super cold, so you shouldn't be getting sick from your sweat getting too cold."

I nodded my head remembering Carmilla covering me slightly with her blanket and the feeling of her fingers in my hair. "That's good. I can't afford to get sick."

"Right. Anyway. You seemed like you had a ton of fun last night."

I shoved off the wall and went over to the window. "Yeah I did. We should go out like that sometime." I looked across to Carmilla's apartment and saw the curtains drawn closed like usual when no one was there. I glanced down at the window sill and saw a sticky note stuck to it just behind my curtain. Definitely wouldn't see it if you weren't looking for it or something in general.

"Maybe some other time when I’m not so swamped with work."

_Hey hopefully sober cupcake, sorry I entered your apartment_

_without permission. You weren't cooperating with the walking_

_thing so I had to help you onto your couch. Hope you have a good day._

"Yeah maybe during the winter break or something." I pocketed the note and looked over at her.

She had a small frown on. "Maybe."

The conversation with LaF yesterday at lunch came to mind. I looked at Danny and chewed my bottom lip. I sighed and moved away from the window. If she wants to tell me about her stipulation to be able to keep teaching at work then she will tell me when she's ready. Plus I don't want to get LaF in trouble. They did take me out last night. Speaking of LaF. I searched my pockets and found my phone. I sent LaF a quick message about being awake now.

"I'm going to brush my teeth and get out of these clothes."

She nodded her head and stacked another pancake into a plate. "Hurry back while these are still warm."

"I will." I walked to the bedroom arena began to shed my clothes off. My phone vibrated and I unlocked it to see LaF's message.

 **LaFenstein [12:32 PM]: Glad you’re up. How's the hangover?**  
**Me [12:33 PM]: Killer. You?**  
**LaFenstein [12:35 PM]: Manageable**  
**Me [12:35 PM]: Lucky :(**  
**LaFenstein [12:36 PM]: We need to meet up and talk about something. Just you and I alright.**

I frowned at my phone.

 **Me [12:36]: Everything alright?**  
**LaFenstein [12:39 PM]: Do you remember anything from last night?**  
**Me [12: 39 PM]: Not really why?**

I batted away the thoughts of Carmilla.

**LaFenstein [12:43 PM]: Just we need to discuss something alright. Let me know when you're free.**

I rolled my eyes.

 **Me [12:43 PM]: Cryptic much?**  
**LaFenstein [12:43 PM]: Laura...**

I bit my lower lip. They never use my first name unless it was extremely serious.

 **Me [12:44 PM]: Alright. I'll let you know when I'm free.**  
**LaFenstein [12:47 PM]: Great. Enjoy your day.**  
**Me [12:47 PM]: You too**

I went over to my night stand to plug my phone in to charge. I brushed my teeth and made my way back to the kitchen pulling one of Danny's shirt on to cover myself until I could shower. She smiled and we ate breakfast happily...or as happy as possible without LaF's demand to talk to me nagging at a part of my brain. What did happen last night?

 

 


	7. Honesty

**_Laura_ **

I entered the diner in a hurry and spotted LaF's short red hair at one of the booths by the window. I walked over to it immediately and plopped down across from them setting my messenger bag down beside me. They set their phone to the side and smirked.

"Long day frosh?"

I sighed and began to take my coat off. "I hope they hire another editor soon or I'm going to die from all the extra work," I complained.

They nodded their head. "The price to pay for being oh so good at your job," they teased.

"Oh shush. How's your job going?"

"Pretty good. Graded some papers, gave some quizzes, and blew stuff up on accident in the lab."

"Nothing new then," I teased.

"Well I didn't burn my eyebrows off this time at least."

"True." I opened the menu and began to look through the food.

"So I'm going to cut to the chase here," LaF stated.

"You always do LaF. That's what I like about you." I closed the menu and looked at them.

"Do you remember what you were doing at the club last weekend?"

I stared at them and tilted my head to the side. "Not particularly. I don't remember much other than drinking and dancing with you for a while."

They nodded their head. "Well to fill you in on the other key part you're missing there, you were grinding on some girl and she was kissing your neck."

My eyes widened. "W-w-what?!" I stammered.

LaF nodded. "Yeah frosh. You and some girl were grinding on each other and she was sucking on your neck. I'm surprise you didn't call me the next morning about Danny being pissed at you, so I guess points for that girl not leaving marks on your neck."

I sat back and began to twirl my wedding band around on my finger. "LaF you didn't tell anyone did you?" I asked nervously.

"Of course not Laura," they answered sincerely. "I wouldn't do that to you."

I took a deep breath and put my face in my hands. "Oh god I'm an asshole."

"Hey Laura come on. You were drunk," they soothed.

I rubbed my face then looked at them. "That's not a valuable excuse LaF. I'm married for crying out loud."

They reached out and grabbed my hand. "Seriously frosh, you didn't let it go further than that. You didn't even make out with her."

I rubbed my forehead. "Why didn't you stop me?"

They gave me a sad smile. "Because I haven't seen you be more yourself than when you were last week," they answered truthfully.

"What do you mean?"

"Laura I have known you for seven years now, I know when you're happy and when you are being you. I haven't seen you be so carefree and happy since you started dating Danny and even more so since you got married."

"LaF..."

They held their hand up to interrupt me. "Let me finish." I closed my mouth and stared at them. "You used to slave over your homework and procrastinate a lot of your assignments, but you also enjoyed going to art exhibits, concerts, and clubs. You used to dance around your dorm room singing out loud to all of you favorite songs. You used to jump into an article a lot more and you wanted to travel the world writing about all of the tragic events happening in other countries along with all the good. I have had to watch your bright light slowly dim over the last few years when you got together with Danny and I miss the real you."

"LaFontaine..."

"I know Laura. You love her and you're happy, but there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone."

I stared out the window and bit down on my lip. "I am in love with her LaFontaine." I looked back at them. "I really am."

They nodded their head. "Alright then." They picked up their menu.

"LaF?" They hummed in response. "Thank you for being honest with me."

They looked up with a small sad smile. "You're welcome frosh."

I stared out the window some more. Many things have changed since I've been with Danny. I decided to stay in the office instead of pursuing my wish to being an investigative journalist, I don't sing or dance anymore, and I don't go to concerts anymore either. I looked down at the menu. I think it's more because I wanted Danny to do all of these things with me. I wanted her to travel the world with me or be alright with me being gone for long periods of time, I wanted her to sing and dance with me around our apartment, and I wanted her to go to concerts with me. It's not like she never did those things with me because she did in the beginning, but now that time has passed we have slowly stopped doing these things together to the point we don't do them at all anymore. I don't know why, but we have. I missed these things.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked into the apartment and set my keys down into the bowl.

"Hey how did lunch with LaF go?" Danny asked as she came down the hallway.

"It went well." I met her halfway and wrapped my arms around her.

She lent down and pecked my lips then moved away to the kitchen. "I'm going to be heading out to the gym. Do you want me to pick us up some dinner on the way back?"

I went over and leaned against the dividing wall. "Do you love me?" I asked.

She stopped and stared at me weirdly. "Of course I do. Why are you asking?"

I leaned the side of my head against the wall. "I just haven't heard you say it as often as you used to," I half lied.

She closed the fridge and came over to me. "I love you Laura. I'm sorry I don't say it often, but know that I really do." She leaned down cupping my cheek and kissed me tenderly. I reached up and threaded my fingers in her hair. She pulled back and pecked my lips. "Are you really alright?" She asked concerned.

I nodded my head. "Yeah. I'm just a bit tired is all."

She stepped away and went back to the fridge to grab her protein shake. "Well why don't you get some sleep then. I know that your job has been keeping you up super late at night now since they also have you editing and I will pick us up some dinner." She stroked my cheek with the back of her fingers. "Are you sure you're alright?"

I leaned into her touch a bit. "I am. You go enjoy your workout."   
She smiled and pecked my lips again. "I'll see you later."

"I want cookies with whatever you bring back by the way!" I called out.

"You always do," she replied happily.

The door shut and I pushed off the dividing wall. I walked over to the window and climbed out onto the fire escape. I leaned on the railing and stared out into the city. It's weird to be out here during the day. I can feel Carmilla's presence, but it's not the same as having her here with me. I could really use the company right now. I pushed off the railing, but didn't want to go back inside.

I grabbed the railing then leaned over to grab the railing on the other side. Yup too short. The only time I will ever fully admit it. I let go of the railing facing the street and hopped onto the one backed by the other connecting fire escapes. I moved to put my feet on the railing in front of me.

"Hello monkey," Carmilla's amused voice cut through my concentration and I almost fell.

"Hello," I answered. She moved closer to me and was able to take both railings in her hands. Darn her being an inch taller than me.

"What has you out here during daylight hours?" She asked watching me as I moved around on the railings.

"I could ask you the same question," I countered.

"I got home early from work."

"Same, but I still have to edit some articles over the weekend." She nodded her head and smiled as she watched me move around. It was an adorable smile.

"So what is bothering you cupcake?"

"How do you know something is bothering me?"

"Because you don't have your laptop out here which means something is wrong."

I lowered myself back onto the fire escape then leaned back against the railing and stared out at the city. "I'm just thinking of all the things I used to do before I got married and I miss doing them."

"Like what?"

I bit down on my lip and stared at the curiosity in her eyes. "Like singing and dancing horribly during the day."

"And you don't do that now because…?"

I looked away. "I don't know. That's why it's bugging me. I don't know why I don't do that or go to concerts or art museums anymore." She shoved off the railing and pulled her phone out. "What are you doing?"

"Just one second creampuff." She tapped through her phone for a bit then set it down on the floor. She held her hand out to me. "Dance with me?"

I stared at her and bit down on my bottom lip before grabbing her hand. "If I must," I teased. She pulled me close, but kept about half a foot between us. "Are you leading me in a waltz?"

She grinned. "You do know waltzing was once scandalous right?'

"Oh really?"

"Does the little investigative journalist not know her history?" She teased.

"Not dancing history and I'm not little," I argued.

"If you're shorter than me then you're little."

"It's only an inch you jerk!"

She leaned forward as a laugh escaped her sounding beautiful. "Well for your history lesson then, waltzing was scandalous because partners were face to face," she pulled me in closer until we were flushed together, "and chest-to-chest for the first time. In their eyes it might as well have been sex."

"Men and their need to control women," I mused out loud.

"I suppose so." She twirled me and brought me back close to her.

"Where did you learn to dance?"

"One of my father's business partners put me in dance classes after my father passed because of all the charity events I would have to attend once I took over the company. He also made sure my brother and I learned the languages of the countries our companies deal with and prospective countries as well."

"Wow. That's a lot," I said in wonder.

She shrugged. "It's just something I had to be capable of, so I learned Sumerian because I wanted to do something that I wanted to do."

"You do know that's a dead language right?"

She smiled. "I know which is why it was for me and no one else."

I let go of her hand and wrapped my arms around her neck. She placed her hand on my hip and caressed the bare skin that was exposed thanks to my shirt riding up a bit. "What other secrets do you harbor?"

"Now if I told you everything what else would we talk about?" She joked in a voice that dropped an octave and sent chills down my spine.

"I'm sure we'll come up with something when the time comes."

"I hope so." She twirled me again and brought me close once more. Her arms wrapped around my waist.

"Thank you for this."

"Anything for you cupcake."

My phone began to ring and I sighed. I bumped my head against her shoulder then pulled away to pick up my phone. "One moment," I told her. She nodded her head and picked her own phone up. "Hey what's up?" I asked Betty.

"Hey sorry to bother you even though you were sent home early, but I'm sending you some information for an article we want you to write."

"What's the topic?"

"Carmilla Karnstein."

I balled my hand up into a fist as my anger spiked. "Betty I am not doing that article. I told you before that I will not write articles on people I know unless I request to," I said holding in my anger.

"Come on you know her, so just write an article about what you know about her right now and her step-mother."

"I said I am not going to do it. If you want an article you get someone else to do it."

"Come on Laura. It'll be great for your career."

"I don't care. I'm not going to do it," I said with finality.

She sighed heavily. "Well I can't say I'm not glad you're a loyal person, but you are being a pain in the ass about it."

"I'm not going to do it, but I'll ask if she'd be open to having someone else do it."

I could just see the smile plastered on her face. "Even better. Send me a message when you get the answer."

"Yeah. What's the topic anyway?"

"Her signing over a piece of her and her brother’s company to her step-mother who she has made it publicly known she absolutely hates."

"How did you get that information?"

"I have my sources who aren't the person in question themself."

"Right." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Alright I'll message you when I get an answer."

"Thank you," she said then hung up.

I sighed then turned to her. She was leaning against the railing clicking through her phone. "I have a question and this is also a heads up."

She tucked her phone into her pocket. "What is it?"

I took a deep breath. "So my job wants to do an interview with you about you signing over a part of your company to your mother and they want to know if you would be willing to do it."

"So what's the question?"

"Would you be willing to do an interview with one of the journalist from work or no?"

She stared at me for a moment. "You're not going to do it?"

I shook my head. "They want me to, but I told you before that I'm not interested in that."

She nodded her head. "If you're the one doing the interview than I will do it."

I stared at her curiously. "Really?"

She shrugged off the railing. "I trust you and no one else."

I nodded. "Alright then."

"You'll do it?" She asked.

"Yes I'll do it."

She smiled then came over and kissed my cheek. "Thanks cupcake."

"Of course. Anything for you Carm."

She pulled her phone back out. "Give me your number so I can message you when I have time to talk to you in a more formal setting."

"Not a fan of this setting?"

She handed me her phone and I began to type in my number. "I see this place as somewhere to relax not somewhere to do business."

I nodded my head and handed her phone back. "Same."

She met my gaze and I couldn't look away. She came a little closer and then her phone dinged. She looked down at her phone. She furrowed her brows and made sure to save my contact information. "I have to get going. I need to meet my girlfriend," she said.

"Right. I'll see you tonight then maybe?"

"Maybe." She kissed my cheek again. "Have a good day cupcake."

"You too."

She began to walk away, but stopped and turned back. "You should start dancing again especially if it makes you happy."

I looked down at my feet and scuffed the tip of my shoe against the floor. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

I watched her climb back into her apartment. I tilted my head back and took a deep breath. I leaned against the railing and stared out into the street. I pulled my phone out and messaged Betty then tucked it back in my pocket. I ran my fingers through my hair. Writing this article should be fun.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I tapped my fingers against the table and looked toward the door. I sighed and took my phone out of my pocket setting it down on the table. I unlocked it and scrolled until I got to Laura's number. I stared at it for a moment and tapped on her contact to send her a message. I stared at the empty message box. I chewed on my bottom lip. What the heck do I message her? I heard the jingle of the bell and looked up to see Ell come in. I waved at her and she made her way over to me.

"Sorry I'm a bit late, my manager was confused about the new computer system I installed recently." She kissed my cheek then sat down across from me.

"It's fine. Are you still going to have tonight off?"

"Yup. I told her that I didn't want to be bothered unless it was an extreme emergency and even then to ask the bartenders first before calling me."

I nodded my head. "That's good to know."

"Yeah, so I'm all yours today," she said happily.

"Good. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." She reached for my hand and I gave it to her. She thread our fingers together.

"Look what you're doing for Elsie is the greatest thing. I know how much you've worried about her and now that you got her into a safer place, I now that you feel a lot better and I'm sure she's doing better as well," she said getting to the point.

"She really is. She's even thinking about college now."

She smiled. "That's good. Is she thinking about Silas?"

"She is, but she just needs to believe in herself more because she thinks she won't get in."

"I'm sure she will."

"I know she will."

She gave me a small smile. "I'm sorry for freaking out and running away like I did. I just needed some time to calm down and think."

"I know."

She squeezed my fingers. "You're doing the right thing and I support you fully for it. Not many people would do what you're doing for someone and I love that about you."

I fought back a small smile. "Thank you. I really needed to hear that from you."

"Of course."

I ran my thumb along her index finger. "I need to tell you about something else."

"What is it?"

I took a deep breath. "My mother has cancer and she is also pregnant. I agreed to do a joint custody with Will for the baby since there is a chance that our mother will not live past giving birth," I spilled out quickly.

Her smile fell from her face. "What?" She pulled her hand away.

"I know that's a lot and I will make sure that Will has our baby sister a lot longer than me, but I will help out when he needs it."

She put her face in her hands for a moment then rubbed her hands down it. "I can't believe you're doing it again after I just said not to because it also affects me."

"It's my baby sister," I reasoned.

"She's your step-mother's child. She has no relation to you in any way."

I sat back and narrowed my eyes at her. "She is my sister and nothing else matters."

She shook her head. "Now you want to claim that woman as your mother? How convenient for you."

"It isn't about convenience. It's about doing the right thing for family and that baby girl is my sister no matter what. If you can't see that and stand by me with this decision that both me and Will made, then maybe this isn't going to work out."

She sat back as well and shook her head. "You need to make up your damn mind. Is that woman your mother or not?"

I tapped my fingers on the table. "She's my step-mother, but that doesn't mean I have to like her or claim her, but that baby girl is my sister regardless of how I feel toward my step-mother."

She shook her head and looked up to the ceiling. "I'll need to think about this for a moment because first it was Elsie and now it's this baby your mother is having."

"Matska."

"What?"

I sighed. "The baby's name is Matska."

"Fine."

I leaned forward. "Look you know I will do anything for Will and now I will do anything for Matska. They are my siblings. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them."

She stared down at the table. "I know and that's another thing I love about you." She looked up at me. "My only thing is if you'd ever do anything for me."

"Of course I will," I said even though Laura was the one to flash through my mind.

She nodded her head. "Then can you give me some time to think about this? I'm not going to leave you, but I need to wrap my head around you and your brother raising a baby sister," she said with a chuckle.

I gave a small smile. "Yeah that is an interesting image."

"Yeah." She reached over and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. "I love you Carmilla."

"I love you too Ell."

She drummed her knuckles against the table. "Let's eat something and then head out for a walk or something."

"Yeah. I'd like that."

She smiled brightly and waved the waitress over to take our orders. I looked down at my phone and unlocked it to look at the still empty message box I had opened up for Laura. I picked my phone up and typed a quick message.

**Me [2:30 PM]: I'll meet you on the fire escape tonight to talk about the best time for the interview.**

**Cookie Monster [2:30 PM]: Okie dokie Carm.**

I set my phone back down on the table. "Who was that?" Ell asked.

"Just my lawyer wondering if I'll do an interview for a newspaper," I half lied.

"What on?"

"I'll tell you later when we get home." She quirked her eyebrow up. "It's hard to explain."

She nodded her head. "Right," she answered with a little bite.

"I will tell you. I promise."

She shrugged. "Alright then."

I sighed and picked up my drink. I'm definitely going to need to see Laura for more than just talking about the interview. Oddly enough being around her calms me down and makes me feel comfortable. If I'm being honest as well, she makes me feel happy and doesn't judge my decisions. She's quickly become a great friend. 

 

 

 

 

 

I climbed out the window and made my way over to Laura as she sat there with her laptop.   
"Watching Buffy without me? I'm hurt," I teased.

A small cute smile surfaced as she rolled her eyes. "I would never do that to you."

"I would hope not." I sat down next to her.

"I was wondering if you were even going to come out tonight since it seems like you and your girlfriend were spending time together," she said as something flashed across her eyes and was soon gone.

"Yeah. I was going to text you, but I figured she was going to disappear after I told her about my mother and baby sister."

"So she disappeared then?"

I nodded my head. "Just a walk this time unlike the week or so she had stayed away."

She bit her lip and furrowed her brows which was an adorable look on her especially since it meant she was angry. "Well hopefully she can talk to you about it instead of running away for even longer."

"I hope so as well." I looked down and slid my hand into hers threading our fingers together. "Can I tell you the answer to your article, but can you stay my friend and not a journalist?"

She squeezed my hand and gazed at me with heartwarming eyes. "Of course. I'm your friend first Carmilla."

I nodded my head. "My father had implemented a policy for the ownership of his company about two months before his death. He made it so that only family can run the company, but that the policy will start with me and Will once we became of age until then his vice president would run the company." I looked down at our joined hands and felt her warmth radiating against my palm and enjoyed the feeling of how well her hand fit in mine. "My mother fought it of course because of when it was implemented, but she lost since my father made the decision in front of all of his partners and lawyers. With that many witnesses a judge can't really overturn it. Now though I found a loop hole that will allow me to give a portion of the company to my baby sister after she is born, but it has to go through my mother." I sighed and slid my fingers into my hair. "I have to gift a portion of the company to my mother then have her sign some papers that will then transfer that portion to my sister once she passes."

"A gift?" She asked curiously.

I nodded my head then ran my fingers the rest of the way through my hair. "Yes and I have to do it since I took Will's right to vote on the matter away as well as his right to give her anything pertaining to the company."

She began to caress the back of my hand. "That means you have to see your mother then." I nodded my head. "Are you going to be alright?"

I crossed my legs and looked down at my lap. "Not really, but I don't have much of a choice in the matter."

"Is Will going to be there with you?"

"He is."

"Then you'll be fine. No matter what she says or does you have your brother there to support your decisions as well as what you say."

I nodded my head then bumped her shoulder with mine. "Does your article need to be in ASAP?"

"No why?"

"I was wondering if you would like to be in the room when I sign over the piece of the company and then we can have the interview right after."

"You would let me be there for that?" She asked with wide eyes.

"Yes. I think it would help your article out if you were there."

"Yes a hundred times yes, but are you sure this will be alright."

"I'm sure. I just need to let my lawyers and Will know and then things should be fine. I just have to warn you that my lawyer is going to try to micromanage you to make sure you don't print anything bad."

She threw her arms around me happily. "I don't care. Thank you Carm. This means a lot to me. I mean I know this is a big scary thing for you because it's your mother and your father's company and your baby sister, but I'm glad you're letting me write the article and I am grateful-"

I kissed her cheek and it stopped her rambling. It was an endearing thing, but sometimes she can spiral too far down. Plus her cheek was soft against my lips. "Calm down cutie. I understand." I stood up and stretched. "Now I'm going to head back inside my apartment so I can face my lovely girlfriend and whatever it is she has to say about all of this."

"Y-yeah right of course. Message me when you are going to have the meeting so I can show up on time."

"Or maybe we can drive to the meeting together."

"Won't it be weird for you to show up with the journalist who is writing about all this?"

"If you haven't noticed, I don't exactly play by the rules a lot of the time, so no it won't be weird and if people make it weird then I'll just fix it and we'll be alright."

"Are you sure?" She worried her bottom lip.

"I'm completely sure. Now don't stay out here too late or you'll catch a cold."

"Right." She got up and I soon felt an electric shock course through my body at the feel of her fingers on my elbow. "Everything is going to turn out fine," she reassured.

"I hope so." I lifted my head slightly and kissed her forehead. "Goodnight cutie."

She got on her tip toes and kissed my cheek which sent a whole new wave of happiness through me. "Goodnight Carm."

She picked up her stuff and I climbed back through my window. I shut my window and watched her climb through her window. She stared at me and gave me one of her adorable small smiles then waved. I waved back then waited for her to move away from her window. I stood there for a moment longer then stepped back once I heard the door open. I turned to see Ell there and watched her slide into the apartment then shut the door behind her. I watched her lean against the door until she finally looked at me.

"Hey," she said hesitantly.

"Hey."

She pushed off the door and came over to me. "So that was a lot of information to take in, but I understand why you're doing it."

"You do?"

She nodded her head and came over to wrap her arms around my neck. "It's like you were saying during lunch, you'll do anything for your siblings." She kissed my lips and for once I felt nothing. "I'll support you in your decision and I'm going to try to be here more for you."

I nudged my nose against hers. "I'd appreciate it."

She pushed forward and kissed me for a long moment. She pulled back with leaded eyes and stared at me with desire. "Bed?"

"I would like to, but I'm just tired and want to sleep. Is that alright with you?"

She massaged the back of my neck. "Of course it is." She smiled and pecked my lips. "I'll go change into some pajamas. Could you turn everything off here?"

I nodded my head. "I'll see you in a second."

She walked past me to our bedroom. I began to shut off all the lights until the only remaining light filtering in was from the window leading to the fire escape. I stared out the window for a second toward Laura's apartment. She had drawn the curtains shut, but I wish I could see her just once more to calm me down. I looked away from the window and made my way to my bedroom. Hopefully Ell can calm me down instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me or ask questions about anything at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com.


	8. Meeting Day

**_Carmilla_ **

I looked through my closet in search for something to wear to this damn meeting. I moved around my clothes. Maybe I should have taken Will's advice and bought some actual formal wear to wear to meetings. I stared at my closet. Screw it. I want to be comfortable regardless if it's appropriate or not. Besides it's not like people aren't already used to what I wear to meetings. I grabbed my black leather pants, a white button up, and my black blazer. I stripped out of my pajamas and put the button up on first buttoning the bottom buttons then my leather pants over them tucking the shirt into my pants. I slipped on my black combat boots then walked out into the living room. I set my blazer down on the arm of the couch then began to button the middle of my shirt. I stole a look out the window and saw Laura opening up her window. I grabbed my blazer and went to climb out onto the fire escape.

"Hey creampuff," I said happily.

She smiled and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Hey," she said shyly.

I furrowed my brows. She flicked her gaze at me then away and a small blush colored her cheeks. I looked down and saw that I still hadn't finished buttoning my shirt. "Sorry," I said trying hard to fight my own blush of embarrassment.

"It's fine."

I pulled my blazer on and took a look at what she was wearing. She had on a white button up tucked into some tight dark blue jeans and her hair was pulled over her shoulders coupled with some black flats and a black blazer. She also had a press pass hanging off a yellow lanyard around her neck. She was adorably beautiful. I reached out and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. She blushed at the gesture and looked up at me with her captivating brown eyes. I let my fingers trace down along her jaw then pulled back. I looked down at the ground and slipped my hands into my pockets.

"You don't really need the press pass cutie." I took a deep breath then looked up at her.

"I know, but this is more for my job than me. It serves as another source of identification if something should happen."

I stared at her curiously. "What could happen?"

She gave me a mischievous smile. "That's for me to know and you to never find out," she teased.

"Seriously?"

She shrugged. "I can't give away all of my secrets now can I," she said dropping her voice low to mimic me.

I felt a chill sprint down my spine. I smirked. "If only being mysterious actually worked for you."

She smiled. "Maybe, maybe not, but I only have you to judge that."

I shook my head. "Right. Well if you're ready then we can head out."

She looked me up and down. "Ever thought of wearing a black tie with that outfit?"

"I would, but I don't know how to tie one."

She tilted her head to the right with a twinkle in her eye. "Give me a moment." She backed away then turned to climb back into her apartment.

I leaned back against the railing and stared out at the city. If I'm being honest, I'm glad Laura's going because I find a source of calm from her that I will need for this damn meeting. Knowing my mother she will try to push my buttons and get me to lash out at her so she can play the victim. It has always been that way. Anytime I tried to accuse her of abusing me, she would tell the police officer some sob story of how I'm a trouble maker and she can't handle me since I'm still angry that my father's dead. I'll admit I was angry about that, but it was towards her for killing him and me not being able to prove it. Even now I can't prove it and it's infuriating. I sighed and closed my eyes then leaned my head back. No matter what she says or does today, it's about Matska and Will and no one else. I do this for them and no one else. I'll always do what I can for them. I rolled my neck then snapped my head up at the sound of Laura clearing her throat. I looked at her and saw the black tie in her hand.

"I didn't peg your wife as someone to wear ties," I said honestly.

"And you're right about that because it's mine." She stepped closer and popped my collar up then slung the tie around my neck.

"Now why would you need a black tie?" I asked curiously.

She smirked. "I have my reasons." She began to tie the tie and then folded my collar down over it. She smoothed out the tie then used a tie clip to clip it to my shirt to hold it in place. "There. It's more formal and it won't move."

I looked down then rolled my sleeves up to my elbows. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

"No problem." She patted the tie. "Now come on before we're late to your own meeting." She glanced down at her watch. I stared at it a moment noticing that it was big enough to cover her soulmate tattoo. It's strange since people tend to want to sport them and show everyone that they have one and are with their soulmates.

I pushed off the railing. "Alright then. Did you lock your place up?"

"Yup." I watched her walk back and grab a bag out of her apartment. She opened it and silently mouthed out some words. Probably a check list or something. She closed the bag then shut her window. "Are we going through your apartment to your car?"

"That's the plan."

"Lead the way then."

I climbed back into my apartment then held my hand out to help her through the window. She took my hand as she almost fell from the window and I did my best to hold back my laugh. She scowled at me then tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. I kept her hand in mine and led her out my front door. I let go of her hand to lock my door because I had to hold it in place for it to lock properly. I gave up trying to have the super fix it after the fifth time I had asked. I looked to her to see that she was holding the strap of her messenger bag with both hands. I frowned slightly then led her down to the stairs case. I thought she was going to complain about having to go down four flights of stairs, but she didn't. I wonder if at this moment she is still in friend mode or if she switched to journalist mode yet because other people would be hounding me with questions about my decisions. I glanced back to see she was worrying her lip. I guess she's struggling with whether or not to ask me about it. I looked back at the stairs and kept hustling down them with ease.

I pushed the exit door open and waited for her to step through it. I let it shut behind me then led her over to where my car was parked. I unlocked the doors and shut the alarm off then opened the passenger door for her. A small smile crossed her face along with a slight blush. She climbed into the car and I shut the door behind her. It has been a while since I last did that for a woman. I climbed into my car and buckled my seat belt in before starting my car.

"Can I ask you something as your friend?" She asked hesitantly.

"As a friend?"

"Yes."

"Of course you can." I glanced at her and smiled reassuringly.

She looked out the window for a moment. "Are you claustrophobic?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Because we took the stairs."

"Maybe I just like taking the stairs"

"Carm..." She said knowingly.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly and clenched my jaw. "I am, but that's a story for another day."

"Ok." Her warm hand covered mine on the stick shift and I felt the building anxiety begin to subside immediately.

 

 

 

 

 

We walked into the building and I watched as Laura's eyes got wider as she took in everything. "Wow," she said in fascination.

"Don't start drooling now cupcake," I teased.

She smacked my arm playfully. "No teasing me. I'm on the job," she chastised.

I fought hard not to smile. "Does that mean I can charge you with assault then for hitting me?" She glared at me. I tried not to laugh. "Kidding creampuff." She glared even harder. I poked the wrinkles between her brows noting how cute she is when she makes a bunched up face because she's angry.

She huffed and crossed her arms. "Are you done teasing me?" She asked with a slight pout.

I smirked. "Yes I'm done so let's go up to the meeting room then." I beckoned her to follow me with the nod of my head. I led her to the elevators and she raised her eyebrow curiously. "The meeting rooms are on the twenty-first floor and I don't exactly want to climb all those stairs."

"Fair enough."

We stepped into the elevator and I slipped my hands into my pockets to hide the shaking. I leaned against the back wall of the elevator. She stood next to me and moved a bit closer until her shoulder was slightly pressed against mine. She held onto the strap of her messenger bag. I closed my eyes and concentrated on her shoulder against mine. She smelled of daisies and chocolate which is an odd mixture, but so her especially since she eats tons of cookies and other snack foods instead of actual food. I wonder if she ever eats fruits and vegetables or if it's always junk food. I wonder how her wife deals with her sweet tooth. I wonder if her favorite movie is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

"You're smiling," her voice cut through my musing.

I opened my eyes and bowed my head forward. "Was just thinking of something funny."

"Care to share?"

I shrugged. "Not really."

She shook her head and gave me a small smile. "Maybe some other time?"

"Maybe." I looked up to see that we were still ten floors away. I looked at her then leaned closer and pressed my forehead to the side of her head. "As my friend, are you here for me?" I whispered.

She freed one of her hands from the messenger bag and hooked her arm through mine. "Of course Carmilla."

I slipped my hand out of my pocket and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. I pressed a thankful kiss to her cheek. "Thank you." I thread my fingers through hers.

She squeezed my hand. "You're welcome."

I leaned my head back against the elevator wall and began to run my thumb over her knuckles. I watched as the numbers lit up above the doors as we got closer to the meeting rooms. The elevator isn't so bad when you have support. I glanced at her through the corner of my eye. Hopefully the meeting doesn't go too bad either.

The elevator dinged and I let go of her hand. Her hand went back to clutching her messenger bag. I led her down the hallway of meeting rooms to the big board room at the end. I opened the door and held it open so she could step through. I looked over to the right to see Will sitting there with my lawyer who had the contract resting under her folded hands. I led Laura over to her seat in the middle actively avoiding looking toward the other end to see my mother sitting there with her lawyer. I took my seat at the head of the table. Will pushed a legal pad and pen over to me since I never bring them myself.

“Everyone this is Laura Hollis-Lawrence she is a journalist from the Silas Daily Sun and she will be writing an article about the meeting today.” I looked at Laura. “Laura this is my brother William Karnstein, my lawyer Sarah Jane Williams, my mother Lilita Karnstein and her lawyer Melanie Sawyer.”

“You can call me Will actually,” Will said with one of his flirtatious smiles.

“And you may call me SJ,” my lawyer said.

“Nice to meet all of you,” Laura answered nodding her head to everyone.

Will leaned close to me. "She's cute," he whispered tilting his head toward Laura.

"She's married," I stated.

He glanced over to her. "That's disappointing. Here I thought I might have a chance. Well I probably still do since married women tend to like me."

"She's also gay," I said trying to hold back my annoyance.

He ran his hand through his hair. "Well guess I'm out then."

"I guess so." I glanced up to the clock hanging up on the wall opposite of me. I still tried my best not to look at my mother. "Did you get a chance to read the contract?" I asked him.

"Of course. I think we've covered everything and you are going to explain it all to Matska when she's old enough to sign off on a larger part of the company," he answered with a smirk.

"I don't remember agreeing to that."

He leaned a bit closer. "Let's just say it will make us even for the stunt you pulled concerning my rights to give a piece of the company to mother and my right to vote on the matter."

I huffed. "Alright. You have me there. I'll take care of it when she's older."

"Great. I'm going to need that in writing and for you to sign it." He tapped my legal pad.

I glared at him. "One thing at a time."

He smiled. "Whatever you say Kitty."

I shook my head then ran my fingers through my hair. I glanced up at the clock again then snuck a peak at Laura. "Alright it's time for this meeting to begin.”

"Well Carmilla I must first say I did not think you would be interested in reporters," Mother said with a slight coldness in her voice.

"Laura is an acquaintance I trust to handle writing about this meeting. As for the other part, it is none of your concern as to whom I am and am not interested in," I answered tersely. My lawyer gave me the contract paperwork. "Now if you are done, I would like to get through this as quickly as possible." I used my pen as a guide over the words as I speed read the finalized contract.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I watched as Carmilla quickly read the contract while using her pen as a guide. I looked over to her mother and saw that she was analyzing me. Her eyes traveled along my body then came up to meet my eyes. I held her gaze in a staring contest until she finally blinked and looked away. I kept staring at her for a long moment after then turned away to look at Carmilla again. The right corner of her mouth was turned up slightly as she fought back a smile. I looked over to her brother who was staring at me with an amused grin on his face. I crossed my legs and picked up my legal pad settling it down on my thigh. I tapped my foot as I transferred my gaze from one person to the other. I spent a bit more time analyzing Carmilla since she doesn't like her mother a whole lot. Her slight smile had faded away as she read the contract.

"Everything seems to be in order on my end." Carmilla shut the contract folder then passed it to her lawyer SJ. SJ handed the contract over to her mother's lawyer Melanie.

"I trust that you made it impeccably impossible for me to do anything with my share," her Mrs. Karnstein challenged.

"My sister's share and yes I made sure that the contract was reasonable for her."

"You were always a difficult child," Mrs. Karnstein stated. 

Carmilla's jaw clenched as she did her best to look relaxed by leaning back in her chair. "We both know what you like to do to difficult children," Carmilla countered.

Mrs. Karnstein leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. I could now see the small bulge of the baby forming in her body. "I do apologize for that."

"Your apology means nothing," Carmilla said holding back anger.

"Your brother accepted my apology, so why is it difficult for you to do the same?"

"I accepted your apology, but that does not mean I forgive you," Will said with a tense voice.

She glanced over at him. "I do know that William dear. I only wish for the apology to be accepted. To allow the past to be in the past," Mrs. Karnstein explained.

"Some things cannot be left in the past," Carmilla said.

Mrs. Karnstein’s demeanor changed from firm and business like to coldness. "Maybe if you had been a better child you would not have had to learn your manners the hard way."

"Maybe if you wouldn't have murdered my father you wouldn't have had to deal with me alone in the first place," Carmilla bit back.

"I did not murder your father. The courts proved that years ago. Let it go child," Mrs. Karnstein said venomously.

"It was more along the lines of them not being able to prove it was you and do not call me a child!" Carmilla's hands clenched into tight fists.

"Well dear if you would conduct yourself properly then maybe I could take you seriously." Her gaze stared daggers into Carmilla.

Carmilla's jaw clenched tightly and she looked like she was about to jump out of her seat. I dropped my pen then scooted my chair back scraping it loudly against the floor. Everyone's eyes settled on me. "Sorry. Dropped my pen." I bent down and picked my pen up off the floor then scooted forward. I glanced over to Carmilla and saw her body relax and her face change from wrath to calm.

"The contract seems to be in order and it is the best you are going to receive for your child at this moment," Melanie said out loud handing the paperwork to Mrs. Karnstein.

Carmilla's mother took the paperwork after giving me a critical gaze. She stared down at the contract, flipped through the pages, then grabbed the pen from Melanie signing and initially the contract. "I trust you will have this filed as soon as possible?" Mrs. Karnstein asked.

SJ took the paperwork and handed it to Carmilla to sign. "I do not like leaving contracts unfinished for long, so yes it will be filed immediately and will take effect as soon as possible." Carmilla signed and initialed the paperwork then handed them back to SJ.

"At least you have become more responsible," Mrs. Karnstein said with slight animosity.

"At least I take responsibility for the things I have done," Carmilla countered.

"So with this contract a portion of the company goes to Mrs. Karnstein that will then be passed on to her child?" I cut in.

They both looked at me. "Yes that is the details of this contract," Carmilla answered.

"What is the purposes of doing such a thing in the first place?" I asked directing my attention to Mrs. Karnstein.

She narrowed her eyes then folded her hands on the table. "I have metastatic breast cancer and am having a child. I will most likely not survive after the birth of my child; therefore, I turned to my children so they may take care of their little sister."

"Some would say that your child is not Carmilla and Will Karnstein's little sister since you are their step-mother not their biological mother and therefore they should not be taking reasonability over your unborn child. What do you say to that?"

She sat back and smoothed out her skirt. "That is true, but regardless of blood relations, these are all my children."

"Even though your current children do not wish to have anything to do with you?"

She folded her hands on her lap. "Of course. You see Ms..."

"Mrs. Hollis-Lawrence," I supplied.

She gave me a tight smile. "Mrs. Hollis-Lawrence, I will admit I was not a fitting mother to them when they were younger, but they are still my children whether they like me or not and I will continue to love them all the same."

I looked to Carmilla and Will. "What is your position on the matter?"

Will cleared his throat. "She is my sister no matter what and I will take care of her making sure she has a better upbringing than the one I had."

Carmilla nodded her head. "I agree with Will and also it does not matter to me. She is a Karnstein despite who her mother is or has done because as my mother has said, she raised us and we are her children regardless of the personal feelings we have toward her. My father made her a Karnstein when he married her and she will always be one and therefore her child is a Karnstein and I take care of my siblings no matter what. My siblings are the most important to me even though Will can get on my nerves at times," she said as a small smile spread across her face as she glanced at Will. He shook his head and smiled.

"Who is the father of the child?" I directed to Mrs. Karnstein.

She tensed at the question. "That my dear is none of your business." She looked away from me. "I have the guardianship paperwork with me and would like the both of you to sign it since we are all here now," she said effectively shutting down my line of questioning.

Carmilla nodded. "Let us see them."

Melanie grabbed a file out of her suitcase and passed it over to SJ. SJ read through each paper then nodded her head before passing it to Will. He looked through it himself then initialed and signed the paperwork passing it over to Carmilla. She used her pen as a guide to read all the paperwork herself then signed everything as well. She passed the file back to SJ and she gave it back to Melanie. Mrs. Karnstein flipped through the documents to make sure everything was signed. She closed the file and folded her hands on the table.

"Who is Matska going to be living with?" Mrs. Karnstein asked calmly.

"Me," Will said. "Matska will primarily be with me, but Carmilla is going to have her a lot of the time while I am at work and meetings."

"I do not want your girlfriend to be alone with my daughter," Mrs. Karnstein said while glaring at Carmilla.

"She is my girlfriend and if I need help with taking care of my sister when Will is not available then I will get help from whoever I trust," Carmilla said with slight annoyance.

Mrs. Karnstein sat back. "Fine. I do warn you that your girlfriend is not who you believe her to be."

"What would you know about her? You've never met her."

"Just because you refuse to speak to me does not mean I do not know all of the people in your life."

"Why don't you stay out of my life until my sister is born." Carmilla got up from her chair and walked out of the room.

I stood up. "It was nice meeting you Mrs. Karnstein, Will, Melanie, and SJ," I said then hurried out the door to follow Carmilla.

I jogged down the hallway as Carmilla stood in front of the elevator rapidly pressing the down arrow button. The door dinged and she walked into the elevator. I jogged into the elevator before the doors closed and her eyes widened slightly at seeing me. I pressed the lobby button then shoved my notebook and pen into my bag before stepping into her space and wrapping my arms around her neck. I pulled her into a hug and her hands wrapped tightly around me. She held me tightly against her and pressed her forehead against my shoulder. I massaged the back of her neck and kissed the side of her head.

"It's alright. We're away from her. It's alright."

She clutched my back and took deep calming breaths. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

I pulled away and cupped her face in my hands. I looked at her confused. "Why are you sorry?"

"You missed your chance to interview them to come help me," she said devastated.

"No no no." I ducked down a bit to catch her eyes. "I'm your friend and being here for you is more important than an interview alright?"  I brushed my thumbs over her cheek bones. "I mean it. You didn't do anything."

She nodded her head slightly. "Alright."

I brought her head down and kissed her forehead. "You alright?"

"Yes. Thank you for coming after me."

"Anytime."

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close again. We hugged each other until we got off in the lobby. She seemed a lot better now. I'm glad.

 

 

 

 

 

We drove through the city quietly. I ran my thumb over the knuckles of her hand that was clutching the stick shift. She had calmed down a lot more the further away we got from her mother.

"Hey stop here," I said at spotting my favorite park from when I was younger and from when I used to be super stressed out during finals at Silas a few years ago.

"Seriously cupcake?"

I looked at Carmilla and saw the amusement in her eyes. "Yes now park your  car and walk with me."

She shrugged and drove a bit further until she found a parking space. "Why are we here specifically?" She asked as she climbed out of her car.

"Because I want to show you something." I held my hand out to her and she took it lacing our fingers together. I tugged her a bit closer to me then led her into the park.

"I've been here before you know."

"I figured since everyone has been here before, but have you ever really experienced it?"

"What's there to experience? It's a huge park with a few gardens and some fountains spread out across it."

"You'll see." I led her through the entrance and we walked down the pathway for a few minutes before I turned left to go into the more dense forested area.

"Uh cupcake this isn't a path."

"I know," I said simply.

I glanced around as the memories of my mother showing me this unmarked path when I was younger and then how I would walk this path during finals week. I pressed my hand against the bark of some of the trees to feel the roughness against my palm. To feel the life that coursed through them. To let them know I was here and that I meant them no harm. That I was a wanderer of their world. I hopped over a few roots that were sticking out tugging on Carmilla's hand as I did so. I stood on a few and she got close so her warm hand never left mine. I closed my eyes and just took in the smell of the trees and a bit of how she smelled of roses and cigarette smoke. I tugged her up on the next big root I stood on since it was big enough for two people. She rolled her eyes but climbed up to stand next to me.

She opened her mouth to say something, but I pressed my finger against her lips to shush her. She raised her eyebrows questioningly. I moved my finger then gently glided my fingers over her eyes. She closed them and took in a deep breath. I watched as her body shifted slightly and her hold on my hand slackened. She took in deep gulping breaths as if she was in desperate need for air. She opened her eyes slowly and they looked slightly blissed out. She cocked her head to the side and gave me a lazy beautiful smile. I smiled at her then hopped down from the root. I turned to her and waited her to hop down as well. She tightened her grip on my hand once she was on the ground and leaned into me more as we walked on.

We kept walking and I glanced at her through the corner of my eye. She was actually taking in all of the trees, flowers, bushes, moss, fallen leaves, and everything else that created this small little forest. Her eyes looked on in wonder as we walked further and further in. She looked like an adorable little kid discovering a new world. I smiled. I'm glad she's enjoying herself.

I looked ahead and spotted the very place I wanted to go. The trees thinned out enough to where we could pick up the pace a bit more if we wanted to. I spotted one lone tree at the very edge before it turned into the clearing. I tugged on her hand to get her attention. I pointed out the tree and let go of her hand as she stared at me curiously.

"Race you," I said then dashed off.

I heard her laugh then the sound of her feet as the leaves crunched underneath her boots as she chased after me. I sprinted faster through the area and hopped over some of the fallen branches and the roots that were sticking out. I was close to the tree and knew I was going to win until I saw her fly right by me. How can she run that fast in leather pants?

She reached the tree before me then threw her arms up in victory. She turned to face me and the biggest most delightful smile since I've known her spread across her face as she looked at me elatedly. I caught up to her and she threw her arms around my neck pulling me into a big hug. I laughed against the crook of her neck and wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. She let me go then ran her fingers through her hair.

"I haven't ran like that in a long time. I forgot how freeing it could feel," she said around ragged breaths.

"Glad you had fun," I said.

She laughed and pulled me into another hug. "Thank you for bringing me."

"You're welcome. Now I want a piggy back ride," I said pinching her sides.

She squirmed out of my reach. She's ticklish I noted. "How come you get a piggy back ride when I'm the one who won?"

"Because your prize is just up ahead in this clearing."

She looked me up and down then turned around and bent down a bit. "Alright come on cupcake."

"Yes!" I cheered then hopped onto her back.

She locked her hands together under my butt with the back of one of her hands pressing against me as it probably gripped the wrist of her other hand. She stepped into the clearing and we walked over to the weather worn structure that has collapsed bit by bit over the years. More pieces of the columns had fallen off since the last time I was here, but the three columns from all those years ago were still standing with the fourth one knocked against the one next to it in the back.

"What is this place?"

I rested my chin on her shoulder. "My mother said that it used to be a stone gazebo structure a long time ago before this piece of land became a national park. It used to be taken care of when the park was a lot smaller, but over time people began to move further and further away from this structure when they started to put in playgrounds and gardens and running trails toward the center as they expanded the park as well as the trees growing in more. There are other hidden places like this in other areas that people never visit anymore. This was just me and my mother's favorite place to go when we needed to escape and just be free." I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "This is my spot."

She turned her head toward me slightly. "Are you comfortable with showing me this place? I mean it was you and your mother's place after all."

"If I wasn't comfortable we wouldn't be here now would we?"

"Point taken." She stepped up to the structure and let me down.

I walked around the structure running my fingers over the cold stone. My mother's laughter filled my ears as I pictured her running around trying to catch me as I ran from her. I passed by one of the only surviving benches and remembered how we would sit there for hours reading or making up our own stories. I smiled. My father would get worried and call us a lot when we wouldn't get home when we said we would because we got too caught up with making up a story that we had to finish that day or it wouldn't be meaningful. I walked over to the fallen column to see that it still looked as sturdy as ever. I looked at the column it leaned against and it too was still the same as ever. I circled until I got back to where I had left Carmilla. I looked to the bench to see her laying there with the tie I lent her loosened and the first three buttons undone. I walked into the structure walking around the pieces of the roof that still littered the ground from where it caved in. I walked past Carmilla to the fallen column then hopped onto it. I spread my arms out to help keep my balance as I climbed up it to get to the other column. Once at the top I stood on the column and looked around.

"Aren't you scared you'll fall?" Carmilla asked.

I looked down to see her staring up at me with concern, but she didn't move to get up. I shrugged. "It's the only time I feel tall," I joked.

She chuckled. "Well you are a short one."

I glared at her. "I'm only an inch shorter than you."

"The key word there is shorter," she teased.

I rolled my eyes. "Jerk."

She laughed as she sat up. "I'm not the one trying to feel taller."

I shook my head then made my way back down to sit next to her. "Shut up."

She smirked. "I would if someone would stop talking."

"I didn't start the conversation in the first place," I countered.

"True, but yet you keep talking." She stretched out her back like a giant cat then turned her back to me before laying back and resting her head in my lap.

"When did I become your personal pillow?"

"You owe me for when I was your personal pillow that night you were drunk," she pointed out.

I leaned back. "Alright. I guess this makes us even then."

"Yup."

I began to run my fingers through the soft curls of her hair. "Do you feel better now?"

"l do."

"I'm glad."

Her fingers trailed up along my cheek. "Thank you for trusting me with this place."

"I just thought you might want to escape for a bit."

"I know. I appreciate it."

I leant down and kissed her forehead. "Take a nap. I'll wake you if it gets too late."

"Thanks Laura."

"You're welcome."

She closed her eyes and folded her hands over her stomach. I kept running my fingers through her hair. The sound of her breathing growing heavier as she fell asleep was the only sound besides the wind and the moving branches of the trees. It was tranquil and I slipped into old memories and feeling content in no time.

 

 

 

 

 

"I hope you got enough material for your article," she said looking a bit disappointed.

"I did, but if I need more I'll send you a text."

She nodded her head. "Or maybe just ask before we binge watch Buffy."

"I can do that too."

She smiled. "Thank you again for today. I really needed that."

I stepped closer and pulled her into a hug. "That's what friends do," I whispered.

"I guess that means we're best friends then," she joked.

I rolled my eyes. "Deny it if you want to, but yes we're best friends."

The right side of her mouth lifted into a small smile. "Well I'll see you some other time then."

"Sure thing."

She stepped closer to me and kissed my forehead. "I'll see you cutie."

"See you."

I walked over to the other side of the parking lot to get into my building. I stopped at the door and watched her disappear into the stairwell that led up to her apartment. I bit my lip and walked into my building heading for the elevator to get up to my apartment. The elevator doors closed and I leaned my head back against the wall. I closed my eyes remembering the events of today but mainly the moment at the park. Being there with her was the happiest I had been in a while. Definitely a memory to go into my top twenty best memories.


	9. Honest with Myself Pt. 1

**_Carmilla_ **

I slid my fingers through my hair pushing my bangs out of my face. Ell wasn't in bed, but I smelled coffee and possibly even some bacon. I slipped out of bed and stretched out my back then scratched my stomach as I walked down the hallway to the kitchen. I glanced out the window to the fire escape and paused. I smirked as I watched Laura dance around her apartment while wearing a set of big purple headphones with some yellow on them. She looked happy as she danced in her plaid pajama pants and grey tank top. Her hair was pulled up into a bun with some hairs sticking out. I remembered the sense of home I felt when I buried my face into her neck the other day when she hugged me on the elevator. I wish I could feel that way all the time especially when I hug Ell.

"Morning sleepyhead!" Ell called.

I snapped out of the trance I was in watching Laura and gave Ell a small smile. "Mornin'." I went over to her and kissed her softly. For the second time I felt nothing.

"So I asked for tonight off since I know you've been down since that meeting with your mother. I thought maybe we could just stay here and watch movies or something."

I walked over to the coffee machine and poured myself a cup. "That sounds like a great plan."

She stepped closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. "Are you okay?" She asked with eyes filled with concern.

I set my coffee mug down and wrapped my arms around her neck. "I'm fine. It was just a lot to deal with."

She leaned forward and slid her nose against mine before kissing the tip of it. "Well I'm all yours today, so maybe we can get your spirits back up before you head back to work at the book shop tomorrow."  
I leaned my forehead against hers. "I hope so. I need to see how Elsie is doing with her school work and if she applied for Silas yet."

She froze slightly. "You sound like a parent."

I pulled back and looked down at her. "Well I technically am. I am her foster parent until she turns eighteen."

Her hands slipped under my shirt. "You know what I think?"

"Hmm...?"

Her fingers glided over my rib cage. "That you would make a great mother someday despite your fears of turning out like your mother."

"Ell..." I said tiredly.

She stopped her hands from roaming over my breast and brought them down to my waist. "Come on Carmilla we've been together for two years. We should talk about this."

I pulled my arms away from her and leaned against the counter. "I'm not there yet."

She backed away to lean on the opposite counter. "When will you be there?"

I shrugged and shook my head. "I don't know, but I'm not ready to do the whole marriage and kids thing. I told you that this summer when you started to push the issue."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I thought you would have given it more thought since then."

I scratched my head. "Look you have this whole new job position thing going on now that keeps you out all night that I want you to focus on since this is part of your new career plan."

"Do not turn this around to make it so that it is my fault that you don't want to get married," she snapped.

"I'm not trying to, I'm just pointing out that I'm not ready and that maybe if you thought about it you're not ready either. We can't raise kids if we're both never home especially when I have to travel to close out deals for my company with Will."

She pushed off the counter. "You know maybe I will just work tonight."

"Don't run away from us right now," I said pleadingly.

She shook her head. "If you don't want to marry me then just say so," she said brokenly.

I gripped the edge of the counter. Do I want to marry her? Laura slowly slipped into my mind. I sighed and pushed that thought away. "Yes I do want to marry you. I'm just not ready to right now."

She nodded her head. "You won't be like your mother you know."

I stared down at the floor. "I know."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tight. It didn't feel as comforting as hugging Laura. "I'll wait for you," she whispered.

"I'll try not to take too long," I answered.

 

 

 

 

 

I shuffled some papers around on my desk then stared down at my phone as it buzzed on my desk. I picked it up and smiled as I unlocked my phone and pulled the message up.

**Cookie Monster [10:42 AM]: So work is a bore and I'll probably have to**

**bring some home with me :(**

**Me [10:42 AM]: Sounds like you can use a break.**

**Cookie Monster [10:45 AM]: I wish but my article on you got a lot of**

**attention, so now they're piling up a bunch of**

**events for me to go to.**

**Me [10:46 AM]: Does that mean I won't get to see you as much anymore? :(**

I looked down at my screen. Did I really just send that?

**Cookie Monster [10:53 AM]: You'll see me as usual at night. I just may pass out on**

**you though if that's alright :)**

**Me [10:54 AM]: That's fine cupcake. I'll just wake you up and send you to bed.**

**Cookie Monster [10:59 AM]: Nooooooo!!!!! I want to watch Buffy with you**

**Me [11:01 AM]: I know but sleep comes first.**

**Cookie Monster [11:01 AM]: I don't like you right now :/**

I reread the text feeling a slight pain in my chest. What the hell is going on with me?

**Me [11:05 AM]: If I buy you lunch would you forgive me?**

**Cookie Monster [11:05 AM]: Depends on where you take me.**

**Me [11:06 AM]: Wherever you want to go.**

**Cookie Monster [11:11 AM]: Does two sound alright with you?**

**Me [11:11 AM]: Of course.**

I looked up at the sudden knock on my door. Will leaned up against the door frame with a smirk on his face. I looked down at my phone seeing that Laura texted me her work address then leaned back in my seat.

"What can I do for you Willy Boy?"

He shrugged and stepped into my office. "Well first you can tell me what's got you smiling like you just won the lottery."

I scowled. "I am not smiling like that."

"Oh really?" He pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked through a few things until he was showing me a picture of me smiling like an idiot while texting. "You want to reevaluate your answer?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I was texting Ell of course," I lied.

"Sure you were Kitty." He plopped down in the chair on the other side of my desk.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugged and looked down at his phone. "I've seen you text Ell before and you've never worn this smile on your face." He locked his phone then slipped it into his pocket. "So who were you really texting?"

I tapped my fingers on my desk. "Like I said. I was texting Ell."

He leaned back in his seat. "You don't even realize what's going on between you and this other person do you?"

"What do you mean?"

He smirked and shook his head disbelievingly. "You'll figure it out eventually Kitty if you allow yourself to think of the possibility."

I folded my hands onto my lap as I crossed my legs. "I still have no clue as to what you're talking about."

"You will," he said confidently. He crossed his leg then folded his hands into his lap. "I have a favor to ask of you."

"You always do."

"Well this pertains to our sister."

"Alright. What is this grand favor?"

"I need help putting a baby room together for her in my apartment and I don't know what to get," he confessed. "I need your help."

"What makes you think I'd know what I'm doing any more than you do?"

He ran his fingers through his hair. "I don’t. I just thought we can be horrible at this together since you need stuff for your apartment as well."

"True." I picked up my phone and pulled up the message with Laura. "I'll have to cancel my lunch plans for today since this might take a while."

"You should bring Ell with us. She might know what she's doing," he said.

I shook my head. "She's not the one I made lunch plans with," I admitted and regretted as soon as the words passed my lips.

He had a smug as fuck smile on his face. "So you were texting someone else."

"No. I had made these plans this morning you moron," I snapped as I lied.

"Right. Well whoever it is you should invite them to come with us. Maybe they know what to get."

"She has work to do. I'm not going to bug her to come shopping with us."

"Just ask her," he pressed.

I rolled my eyes. "What time?"

**Me [11:18 AM]: Hey cupcake no can do on lunch today. Gotta help my**

**brother miraculously create a baby room for our sister. Sorry :(**

"Around two since I have a meeting with our partner in Paris at noon."

**Cookie Monster [11:18 AM]: That's fine. Raincheck?**

**Me [11:20 AM]: Well he was wondering if you knew anything about babies and**

**would like to go with us.**

"How are our partners doing?"

"Fine. They are bringing a new invention to the table today and I'm going to see if it's worth it before I bring you in."

"The usual then."

"Of course."

**Cookie Monster [11:23 AM]: Sure. Just let me know where :D**

"She said she's willing to come help us," I said as I answered Laura back.

"Great. Who is it?"

I set my phone down. "Laura."

"The cute reporter?"

"Yes the reporter," I answered avoiding the word "cute."

He smirked. "So what's up between you and the reporter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well she did run after you when you stormed out during the meeting that day."

I shrugged. "She's just a friend," I said shifting a bit.

"Right. Well I hope she's a good friend to you especially since you don't have many of them that are close to you."

"What makes you think we're close friends?"

He shrugged. "Well she's married and not your girlfriend, so she has to be your close friend if she runs after you the way she did." He stood up then and slid his hands in his pockets. "Although I'm not sure that even close friends would do that especially when it came to them being on the job at the moment."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'll see you later."

He nodded his head. "Sure thing."

I watched him leave then leaned my head back to stare up at the ceiling. Is it really weird for Laura and I to be that close as friends? I mean she pops into my head at times, but that's just because she's a great friend and I spend more time with her than with Ell lately. That's all. I looked down at my phone to our messages. More like that's all it has to be. Just friends.

 

 

 

 

 

I stared at my phone as I leaned back against one of the closed checkout counters.

"Where's your friend Kitty?" Will asked while wrapping up a text.

"She’ll be here," I answered.

The doors chimed and I looked up. My breath froze in my lungs as Laura came in looking remarkably beautiful. She had on a black blazer with brown jeans and a white shirt with giraffes all over it tucked into her jeans. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear as she walked over to us with a huge smile on her face. I felt an elbow connect with my side and I cleared my throat and elbowed Will back. I glanced at him to see a huge and fucking annoying smirk on his face as his eyes darted from me to Laura. I stood up straight as Laura came over and gave me a big hug.

"Heya," she said slightly out of breath. "Sorry for being slightly late. Had to finish up some things before I could leave," she explained.  
"That's fine. Glad you could make it and help us out," I said wanting to smack the smirk off Will's face. "I don't know if you remember or not, but this is my brother Will."

"Oh yes I remember. It's good to see you." She held her hand out for him to shake.

"It's great to see you again as well," he answered while shaking her hand.

"Well should we get started?" She asked cheerily.

"Of course cupcake. Lead the way."

"Awesome." She slipped her hand into mine then pulled me deeper into the baby store.

We walked around the store with Will having everything that Laura points out as necessities put on an order list for the both of us. He was more of getting everything in pinks and purples while I leaned more toward the purples and yellows. He raised his eyebrows when I started to get some stuff in yellow and I ignored him. Laura caressed my hand with her thumb and it made shopping more bearable. She led me down one of the aisles and started to hum along to one of the many baby lullabies that were playing and giving me a headache. She tugged on my hand as she practically bounced along to the music. Eventually she pulled ahead of and stopped in front of me giving me a big smile. She twirled herself with my hand then stepped a bit closer. I smirked and pulled her into a waltzing position.

"Why yes Ms. Karnstein I would love to dance," she said in her best southern accent.

I shook my head then twirled her. "You have the strangest urges Mrs. Hollis-Lawrence."

"Whatever do you mean?" She said slyly.

I spun us and felt her grip my hand tighter then relax. "Instigating a waltz to Rock-a-bye baby. It's very peculiar."

"Well you were looking grumpy so I thought I'd change that."

I shook my head then kissed her forehead. "Thanks creampuff."

"You're welcome." She wrapped her arms around my neck and stared up at me with wistful eyes. 

I stared down at her and my eyes darted to her lips. I want nothing more than to kiss her right now. I stepped back to get out of her grasp. "Shall we continue shopping?"

She blinked and ran her fingers through her hair. "Yes. Right. Shopping."

She folded her hands behind her back then led the way down the rest of the aisle. I slipped my hands into the pockets of my leather vest and followed her. I am completely screwed.

* * *

 

 

**_Laura_ **

I set the pieces of the crib down and leaned back against my hands as I stared at her lying on her back looking up at the ceiling. "So tell me again as to why I'm the one putting this together for you?" I asked to get her attention. 

She turned to look at me. "Because I thought you'd be better at it then me."

"Carm," I whined.

"Cupcake," she mimicked. I sighed and pouted. She rolled over onto her side and wrapped her arms around me burying her face into the side of my stomach. "Please cupcake."

I ran my fingers through her hair. "You so owe me a packet of cookies."

I felt her smile and it tickled my side a bit. "I got you covered."

"Yeah yeah." I kept running my fingers through her hair enjoying how soft it felt. "When does your girlfriend get back?" I asked feeling a slight squeeze in my chest.

She scooted closer to me. "Not for another hour, so if we can get this done I can surprise her and then she can runaway to work as usual," she said annoyed.

"Things not going great between you two?" She sighed then rolled to lie on her back again next to me. I gazed down at her as I trailed my fingers along her arm until I rested my hand on top of hers that was resting on her stomach.

She tucked her other arm behind her head. "We're fine so long as she takes the time to talk to me, but she either runs to work before we can talk or right after we talk. I just wish she would stay still and talk to me about the feelings she has that make her want to run away."

I caressed the back of her hand. "Not everyone can communicate the same way. You just need to let her sort things out her way because it sounds like she does come back to talk to you."

"She does. It's just frustrating at times because she was the one to fight with me in the beginning about keeping things to myself and here she is doing it to me."

I pulled her hand up to my lips and kissed it softly. "You'll figure it out. I know you will."

She stared at me and there seemed to be a slight conflict in her eyes. She blinked then closed her eyes. "You're right. Thank you."

"You're welcome." I watched her and played with her fingers. My phone rang and I looked to see who it was. "I need to get this." She looked at me and nodded her head slightly. I got up and left her bedroom to go into her guest bathroom. "Hey," I said into the receiver trying to sound happy.

_"Hey sweetie, what are you up to?"_

"Just spending some time with work friends," I lied.

_"Oh alright. I was going to surprise you with taking you to dinner after you got off work, so are you going to be home in time?"_

I looked at my watch. "Yeah I'll be home in a bit. Just going to excuse myself from the table."

_"Alright then. I'll see you in a bit."_

"I'll see you too." 

_"I love you."_

"I love you too." I hung up the phone and ran my fingers through my hair while sighing. I leaned back against the sink and tapped my fingers against it.

What am I even doing? Why am I lying to Danny about where I am and who I'm with? I stared down at the floor. I never told her I talked to Carmilla in the first place. I never told her about Carmilla and that we were neighbors. She doesn't even know I wrote an article about Carmilla since she doesn't read my stories anymore. Plus Carmilla is the only friend I have that isn't also a friend of Danny's and also doesn't judge me. To be honest I like the fact that Carmilla is my friend only because then I get to keep her to myself. I get to have a best friend that doesn't have to choose sides between me and Danny whenever we argue. I have a friend that doesn't talk about me when I'm not there...as far as I know anyway. I have a friend that doesn't question my marriage. I pushed off the counter. I just want Carmilla to be my friend only is all.

I exited Carmilla's bathroom and walked back into her room to see all the pieces to the crib scattered around her. I smiled and leaned against the doorway then took a picture of her staring intently at the instructions with a screw driver between her teeth. I pushed off the door way and walked over to her. I kneeled down and hugged her from behind.

She took the screw driver out of her mouth. I kissed her cheek then stood back up. "I need to get going. My wife is waiting for me so we could get dinner."

"Alright well. Maybe I'll see you later?" She said with hopeful eyes.

"Maybe. I'll do what I can." I bent down and kissed her forehead.

"Thanks for today by the way."

I shrugged. "It's no problem. You and Will looked very lost in that baby store."

She smiled. "Well you seemed right at home."

"You're just lucky I have experience with my younger cousins."

"Very true. Thank you again. We really couldn't have done this without you."

"Of course. If you need any more help just let me know."

"I will."

"Alright now I'm leaving."

"Have a good night."

"You too."

I walked out her front door so that Danny wouldn't see that I was across the way at Carmilla's and start asking me questions if I came in through the window from the fire escape.  


 

 

 

 

 

We walked into the restaurant and I noticed that Danny's hands were sweating slightly. They only sweat when they’re about to tell me some sort of bad news. They gripped my hand a bit tighter. This is definitely a bad news dinner. I watched her as she led us to a table in the corner that gave us a bit more privacy than the other tables. We got to the table and she pulled the chair out for me before going around to sit down as well. She didn't say anything and began to play with her napkin after unfolding it and grabbing the utensils out of it. I watched her closely until the waiter finally came over to take our drink orders. She sat up straight and began to tap her foot excessively. I leaned back and folded my hands on my lap.

"Are you going to tell me why you are acting guilty for something or are we going to sit here in silence all night?" I finally asked frustrated.

She gulped and ran her sweaty palms along her jeans. "You always were good at detecting when something was wrong."

"I am a journalist."

She nodded her head. "Right." She began tapping her foot even more then leaned forward on the table. "Alright so I know we've lived here for about three months or is it four months now?" She began. She shook her head. "No matter. Anyway, we've been here for a while and I haven't told you everything about my contract with Silas." I nodded my head to encourage her to continue. "You see one part of my contract said that if I don't get good reviews after this semester then I will be fired."

"And you didn't think to tell me that before you took the contract and had us move here?"

She looked down at the table. "You don't seem very shocked by the news," she pointed out.

"Because I'm at journalist, so I already knew about the conditions of your contract," I lied so LaF wouldn’t have to get an earful from her.

"Right." She looked around and smiled as the waiter came over with our drinks and we ordered our food. She looked back to me. "I know that moving is extremely hard to do especially last minute, but I have been looking into apartments that we can afford back in our last city and I know the school will take me back if I just ask, so if anything we are set." She smiled reassuringly.

I stared at her and chuckled while shaking my head. "Of course you would make a plan without involving me in it at all." Her hopeful face fell. "I can't move Danny. I have my job and they're thinking about giving me a raise after the new year starts. They're even thinking of giving me more investigative field work for the new year after the article I did on Carmilla. You can't just assume that I'll drop everything and follow you when things don't go your way. I already did that when you decided to move here for work."

"Who's Carmilla?" She asked slightly accusatory.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "Carmilla Karnstein co-owner of Karnstein Industries. If you read my articles then you would know that I wrote an article about her and her company that has made a real impression on my boss."

She stared down at the table. "I didn't know you were on first name basis with the people you write your articles on." She sat back and stared at me.

"Yes well she's not just someone I wrote an article on. Her and her brother Will have become a good source for things happening with their company and other ones as well. If anything happens they are going to contact me first so I could get the truth of the story and get it out there before others can get it and write something completely untrue," I lied while my chest began to burn with unease.

She nodded her head and looked out the window. "Sorry. I just didn't know."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "If you spent less time on yourself then you would know instead of thinking I was cheating on you which I know is what went through your head just now."

She stared guiltily at the table. "I'm sorry. I've just been so caught up with everything I have to do to keep my job that I haven't been paying enough attention to you and everything you have been doing. I am so sorry Laura. I really am."

"Just because you stopped wanting to be around me doesn't mean you get to accuse me of cheating on you."

She folded her hands on the table. "Can you really blame me though? You haven't found your soulmate yet."

"That doesn't mean you get to assume things. Trust me to tell you if I meet my soulmate," I reassured.

She nodded her head. "I do trust you. I always have."

"Then trust me with the details of your job."

She looked even more guilty. "I'm sorry and I'm sorry for making a plan B without you."

I leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand. "I'm used to your crazy mind by now, but know that plan B is going to be plan C depending on how my job goes in the new year. If it goes well then I will be able to handle the rent on my own while you find a job and everything."

"Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't make it plan B if I wasn't."

She nodded her head. "Alright, but only if I end up unemployed for the new year."

"Of course though I doubt you will lose your job."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you were an interesting English Lit TA while I was in your class and I've snuck into your lectures at the previous university before. You're captivating when you teach. If anything anyone who has a crush on you will give you a good review."

She blushed bright red and cleared her throat. "I would hope they review me based on my capabilities and not how good looking I am."

"Yes well you can't be picky when it's your job on the line," I pointed out.

"I guess not. I still would prefer them not to."

"I know.”

She wiped the palms of her hands on her jeans. "I promise I'm going to start being more present from now on."

"Or just let me know what's going through your head."

"I can do that."

I reached over for her hand. She thread her fingers with mine and I squeezed them comfortingly. "That's all I ask for." She nodded her head.

I let go of her hand and we went through our dinner happily...well as happily as I could manage. I had to lie to her about Carmilla and the guilt of doing that is sitting on my chest like a big elephant. I sighed internally. It's not a bad thing to want to keep a new friend a secret until the right moment. I mean I'm sure Danny has made new friends at Silas that she has yet to introduce me to. I think a good time would be when Danny introduces me to her new friends. I'll go ahead and introduce Carmilla then and hopefully it won't be so awkward. More like hopefully I will stop feeling guilty for lying. I picked at my food. It would help if I stopped thinking about Carmilla more than I should.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I leaned against the door frame and knocked on his door. I waited for him to open his door and instantly regretted my decision to come here. He had on a shit eating grin that I wanted to punch off his damn smug face.

"I don't want to even hear it Will," I growled as I pushed past him into his apartment.

"Hear what my dear sister?"

"You know what."

"You take the fun out of everything."

"Whatever. If I let you tease me I won't be able to talk to you about it," I grumbled.

He passed by his fridge and stared at me. "You're serious aren't you?" I looked away from him and sighed. "Damn. Alright." He pulled out two beers and twisted the top off them then led me to his patio. "I'm all ears Kitty."

I plopped down on one of his patio chairs and kicked my feet up on the glass table he had set up in front of me. I picked at the label of the beer as I intently stared at it. "I do like Laura as more than just a friend, but deep down inside I knew that if I admitted that then I couldn't go back. I kept coming up with excuses like not spending a lot of time with Ell recently and Ell and I always arguing now. I blamed the relationship I have with Ell for the reason why I think of Laura at certain significant times or at all really." I took a swig of my beer. "I knew that if I admitted to myself what was really the issue then I would have to deal with the fact that I am completely screwed because Laura is married." I went back to picking at the label. "I like a married woman. I'm such an idiot," I shook my head then ran my fingers through my hair.

"You're not an idiot Kitty. I can see why you would like her and I don't blame you nor should you blame yourself for liking her. She's good to you and if she wasn't married I would be calling you an idiot for not having asked her out."

I nodded my head. "So what am I supposed to do exactly? I love Ell and Laura is married."

He sighed and scratched his head. "I don't know Kitty. You know how I feel about Ell. I don't like her and I never have, but if you love her then the easiest decision would be to put some boundaries up with Laura and find a way to stop liking her."

I peeled the label off the beer. "If only that was actually easy."

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because I can't seem to go very long without seeing Laura. She's found a way into my head and when I don't see her I think about her. I've even read every article she has ever written in her career and read all the new ones she writes."

He sat up straight. "You got it bad Kitty."

"I know. That is why it sucks."

"Boundaries. That's the only thing I can say. You will need to stick to them if you make them otherwise this is going to be a continuous issue for you."

"I guess so." I took another drink from my beer. "When did you grow up?" I teased.

He smiled and shrugged. "I guess the prospect of having to take care of your baby sister who is really a baby can make someone see things differently."

"How different are we talking?"

"Like having a real relationship with someone different."

"Is my little brother thinking about marriage?" I cooed.

He glared daggers at me. "Shut up Kitty," he said mildly angry.

I laughed. "I just never thought I'd hear the word 'relationship' come out of your mouth."

"Yeah well things change."

"Clearly." I looked out to the setting sun. "Do you have anyone in mind?"

"Not currently, but I'll let you know if there's someone."

"You better."

"I will. Now drink your damn beer."

"Someone's becoming demanding."

"I just want you to shut up before you start teasing me some more."

I chuckled and drank my beer. "Fair enough."  


 

 

 

 

 

I walked into my apartment and pulled my jacket off tossing it on the couch. Then I leaned against my couch and pulled my boots off. I walked over to the window to the fire escape and saw Laura standing there still wearing her work clothes. I opened up my window and climbed out onto the fire escape feeling the cold of the metal against my feet even though I was still wearing socks. I moved over to her and thought about what Will said about boundaries. The only thing is that I can't seem to find it in me to set up any boundaries with Laura. Like right now for instance. I just really want to wrap my arms around her especially since she seems to be a bit down right now. I came up beside her and settled for pressing my shoulder slightly against hers. She didn't say anything, but she leaned her head on my shoulder. After a while I went ahead and wrapped my arm around her shoulders pulling her against my side more. She shifted slightly and snaked her arm around my waist and tucked her face into the crook of my neck. Her breath was hot against my neck. It was driving me crazy.

"Would you like to meet my wife sometime?" She asked.

"Do you want me to?" I countered.

"Yes."

"Then I wouldn't mind meeting her."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. Maybe then you can meet Ell as well," I said feeling as if the air was sucked from my lungs.

"That would be nice. Maybe we'll all get along and become great friends," she said hopefully not knowing how much that hurt me.

"Of course. It would be nice to have a couple as friends now although Ell will probably start talking about getting married again."

She stepped back to be able to stare up into my eyes. "Do you not want to get married?" She asked curiously.

"I do eventually, but not right now."

"I can understand that."

"Can you?"

She nodded her head. "You want to make sure you're making the right decision about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone because that is a huge commitment even for people who marry their soulmates. It can be scary."

"Yeah. Plus if you or your partner don’t have soulmates then there's always the fear that they will meet their soulmate and leave you in a heartbeat."

"True. I think that's when you'll need to trust one another to be honest," she said while looking away as if she has experience with this situation.

"Honesty doesn't come easy for some people."

"If it came easy then everyone's problems would be solved."

"True." I rubbed her shoulder. "Did you want to watch some Buffy tonight?"

"Not tonight. I have to get up extra early tomorrow so I can finish up some work I didn't get to today."

"Alright then." I kissed her cheek and hugged her tightly then stepped back. "Let me know when you want to have that dinner so I can make sure Ell gets the night off."

"I will." She gripped my shirt and pulled me back close to her. She stood on her tip toes and kissed my forehead. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," I responded taking a step back again.

She moved past me and into her apartment making sure to close the curtains. I leaned against the railing and looked up at the stars. Putting up boundaries was going to be a bitch to do when all I want to do is be near her. I pulled my phone out of my pocket as it vibrated.

"What's wrong Will?" I asked highly concerned since he never calls me at night except for when he's super drunk and needs me to pick him up.

"I just booked you a flight next week to come with me to France. I also sent you their proposal so you could read it before we get there."

I climbed back into my apartment. "Is the investment worth it?"

"It is. I calculated the prospective projections for the next five then ten years and they are good even if things go south."

"Alright then I'll go over everything then see you in the morning to get more details." I logged into my laptop and searched around for my glasses.

"How are those boundaries coming along?"

"Rome was not built in a day," I answered.

He chuckled. "Well you better build faster than the Romans then."

"Tell me about it. I'm absolutely fucked right now."

"You'll figure it out Kitty. You always do."

"Thanks. I'll see you in the morning."

"See you," he said.

I tossed my phone onto my coffee table and pulled up my email. I have to tell Laura that I won't be in town next week and will mostly be gone for about a week or so. No. I don't have to tell Laura anything. She doesn't need to know where I am. Ell has to know where I'm going. Only Ell as well as Elsie and JP since they have to run the shop without me. That's it. If I'm going to put up boundaries between me and Laura Then I have to start now or I never will. I sighed and stared at my phone. How can someone I haven't known for very long just worm their way into my life like this? How can they have me liking them the way I do? I ran my fingers through my hair. This is just too much too soon. I definitely need to distance myself and spend more time with Ell. That's all. That'll fix everything...I hope.

 


	10. Honest with Myself Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the "****" mean same character POV just a different day

**_Laura_ **

I unlocked my phone again to see if Carmilla had answered my texts yet. She hadn't and I sighed then debated calling her. If I call her and she rejects it then I'll at least know she's alright, but it's going to torture me to not know why she's ignoring me right now. She hasn't answered my texts at all these last two days and I haven't even seen her girlfriend in their apartment either...not that I was spying or anything. I'm just genuinely concerned that something may have happened to Carmilla is all. I just wish she would just answer my texts already. I miss her.

"Are you and your wife arguing?" Betty asked as she clicked through a document on her computer.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because you look like you got dumped," she answered sitting back in her seat to stare at me.

"No. I just texted a friend of mine about something important and they haven't answered me back."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

She shrugged then turned back to her computer. "Alright Hollis whatever you say."

I rubbed my forehead. "What does that even mean?"

"It means I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

She sighed and stared me down. "Because people don't look like they had their heart ripped apart by someone when they are texting their friends about something that has nothing to do with having broken up with someone or something else along those lines. There's something going on and you're not willing to admit it which means it's something you shouldn't be doing."

"That's not the case here Betty."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night Hollis."

I chewed on my bottom lip as I stared at my phone. I sighed heavily then leaned my head back. Am I really lying to myself right now about Carmilla? She's a great friend to me and I've never been so close to someone like this before. It's different from Perry and LaF. I'm close to them, but I don't feel one hundred percent comfortable with them. I can't be completely honest with them because it always feels as if they're judging me for the decisions that I make. I mean LaF still questions my decision to marry Danny since Danny had already been married to her soulmate Kirsch. Danny already knows what it feels like to be with a soulmate, so LaF always wonders if Danny is treating me right and if I'm happy with the relationship because it is different. Plus LaF worries that Danny is always comparing me to Kirsch. I know that in some ways Danny does, but does that really bother me as much as it bothers LaF?

I unlocked my phone again to check my messages then pulled up the pictures I have with Danny. I don't mind when she makes comments about my cooking because I know I'm not a great cook and I know that Kirsch pretty much could have opened a restaurant with how good he was at it. It hurt when she started doing the laundry because I never put them away the way she wanted and even when I did it still wasn't good enough. It annoyed me when she would come up behind me and rearrange the fridge to how she wanted it which was how Kirsch used to keep the fridge since he did all the grocery shopping. She has gotten better about it, but she still does the laundry the majority of the time and does all the grocery shopping. The only thing that really annoyed and frustrated me the most was how overprotective she was and still is. She was overprotective before, but now it’s unbearable. She's been good about it since our talk, but I can tell she struggles with it when she stares at me and grips her biceps tightly.

No it doesn't bother me as much as it should, but I think it's because I stopped caring. I stopped caring about how she compares me to Kirsch. He was her soulmate and I can never compete with that. I know I'll always come second to someone who isn't even here anymore. I knew that before I got into a relationship with her and I knew that when I said yes to marrying her. I've always known that. Nothing has changed and probably never will, but I have accepted that. The only time I don't ever feel like I'm being compared to someone else is with Carmilla. She doesn't tell me how I'm like her girlfriend or how I'm like her other friends. She's just there with me and it's a good feeling to know that I have someone that I can just be there with. No pressure or expectations. I can find comfort with her and maybe she finds comfort with me.

My phone buzzed and I looked down to see who messaged me. Carmilla's nick name flashed across my screen and I smiled as I opened her message. It was a picture of the Eiffel Tower. My phone buzzed again with a message from her.

**Cookie Stealer [12:24 PM]: Away on business. Sorry I didn't tell you. It was last minute.**

**Me [12:25 PM]: That's fine. I'm glad you're alright. :)**

**Cookie Stealer [12:30]: Of course I am. I'm flawless.**

**Me [12:30 PM]: Conceited much?**

**Cookie Stealer [12:32 PM]: Is there a reason I shouldn't be?**

**Me [12:33 PM]: Don't get a big head or you won't fit on the airplane back.**

**Cookie Stealer [12:37 PM]: And that my dear is why you're not getting a souvenir.**

**Me [12:37]: Who said I even wanted one?**

I waited for her to send another message then set my phone down after a minute or so. I went back to editing an article for one of the other journalist and noticed the pointed look Betty gave me from the corner of my eye. I turned to her and stuck my tongue out childishly. She rolled her eyes and smirked when my phone vibrated again. I sat back and pulled my feet up onto my chair. I opened the message to see a picture of a box of expensive chocolate and a bag of cookies.

**Cookie Stealer [12:48 PM]: Sure you don't want anything?**

**Me [12:49 PM]: Have I mentioned you're the world's greatest friend?**

**Cookie Stealer [12:52 PM]: That's what I thought. ;)**

**Me [12:52 PM]: Thank you :)**

**Cookie Stealer [01:00 PM]: Alright I have to go now. More meetings to attend.**

**Me [01:01 PM]: Alright. Stay safe.**

**Cookie Stealer [01:02 PM]: I'll do my best.**

I set my phone down only for it to vibrate again. I opened up the message she sent and smiled. It was a selfie of her in front of the Eiffel Tower giving me the peace sign. I shook my head then saved the picture to my phone.

**Me [01:03 PM]: Didn't peg you as a peace sign person.**

**Cookie Stealer [01:04 PM]: If you knew everything then I'd lose my air of mystery.**

**Me [01:05 PM]: Alright you nerd. Go attend your meetings.**

**Cookie Stealer [01:05 PM]: Alright Nerd #1**

**Me [01:06 PM]: Have a good day Nerd #2**

I set my phone down for good this time and felt a lot lighter now that she answered me. Plus I got an adorable picture out of it, so I call it a double win for me or triple since she's bringing me back chocolate and cookies. I smiled as I went back to editing the article.

"How's your heart Hollis?" Betty asked smugly.

I looked at her and saw the smirk plastered on her face. The odd thing was that the question wasn't too far off base. "Better," I answered truthfully.

She cocked her eyebrow up questioningly. I shrugged then looked away. I pulled up the picture of Carmilla that I had just saved and stared at it. Maybe it's time I acknowledge what's really been going on with me. I have a crush on Carmilla and nothing good can come from it since I'm married and she's in a relationship. It doesn't mean I don't love Danny. It means that someone else has found a way to make me feel more like myself than I do with my wife. It means that I need to put some distance between us before this crush gets worse. I need to step back before it's too late.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I saved the picture that Laura sent me of her working late in the office then finished getting ready for my meeting. I promised I would distance myself from her, but I just couldn't do it. Her texts had gotten frantic the more I ignored her and my heart ached to talk to her. Getting Laura out of my system is going to be harder than I thought it was going to be. She seeped into my very bones and it's hard to push her away when all I want to do is keep her close. I sat down on my bed and pulled up the picture she sent me with her cheek leaning into the palm of her hand with a pencil trapped between her teeth. I didn't know it was agonizing to miss someone you're not even in a relationship with. I set my phone down then ran my fingers through my hair scratching at my scalp tiredly.

I looked to my door when I heard it click open. "You look happier tonight," Will commented as he sat down in one of the arm chairs by the sliding glass doors to the balcony.

"That's because I caved and messaged Laura." I pulled on my boots and laced them up.

"Well that only took you forty-eight hours," he teased.

"Shut up," I grumbled.

"Calm down Kitty. I said set boundaries not cut her out cold turkey. Besides I like seeing you this way."

"And what way is that?"

"Happy."

I leaned back on my elbows and stared at the ceiling. "How long do you think this dinner's going to last?" I asked changing the subject.

"Not too long. You should be able to call Ell before it gets too late or Laura if that's where your heart's at."

I grabbed a pillow and threw it at him. "Again, shut up!"

He laughed and smiled. "Alright alright calm down and put the claws away." He got up and smoothed out his suit. "Come on. It's time to go."

I bit down on my lip and debated for a split second before jumping to my feet and wrapping my arm around Will's shoulders and taking a selfie. He grumbled and reached out to delete the picture, but I pulled my phone away. I attached the picture to a message to Laura and sent it out as Will wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up into the air. "But you looked good!" I defended as he carried me out of the room.

"I wasn't even looking at the camera!" He reasoned.

"That's why you looked good!"

He set me down in the hallway. "You are such an asshole sometimes."

"You warm my very cold heart with your loving words."

He shook his head and smoothed out his suit. "Jerk."

I fixed my own blazer then wrapped my arm around him again. "Alright you big baby. Look at the camera this time."

He put his hand on my waist and smiled at the camera. "Better," he said looking at the picture.

I rolled my eyes and sent the picture to Laura. "Alright Willy Boy let's go get this dinner over with." 

 

 

 

 

 

I leaned against the balcony railing with a cigarette in my mouth and looked up at the stars. I had already talked to Ell and wished her a goodnight. As much as I want to call Laura and hear her voice, I can't seem to press the call button beside her name. A part of me knows I will feel infinitely better once I hear Laura's voice, but the other part knows that it will crush me in the end. That is the conundrum I find myself in with Laura right now. Wanting, but knowing it's not a good idea. My phone rings in my room and I move to go get it. I answer it even though I don't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Is this Carmilla Karnstein?" A female voice asks.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"My name is Betty Speilsdorf and I'm a journalist from the Silas Star."

I recognized the newspaper since Laura writes for them. "What can I do for you?"

"I am calling on behalf of the newspaper to invite you to an end of the year party we are having as a thank you for allowing us to write an article about you this year."

I mentally thought of my yearly schedule at the end of the year. "I do not believe I will be able to attend, but I thank you for the invitation."

"It will be on December 29th at six o'clock and it will end at around eight, so you will not miss your benefit dinner that begins that night at nine."

"How do you know my schedule?"

"I'm an investigative journalist Ms. Karnstein. If I cannot find your personal phone number or know your schedule then I am not very good at my job."

"Point taken."

"Should I put you on the guest list then?"

"Yes that will be fine."

"Splendid. We look forward to having you and may the rest of your trip go well Ms. Karnstein. I do hope you close that contract with the French."

"You really did do your research."

"It's my job. You have a good evening and I apologize for calling so late."

"That's fine. Have a good evening as well." I hung up the phone and went back onto the balcony.

I leaned against the railing and finished off my cigarette. I should probably call Laura and see if she would like me to take Ell with me so they can meet each other. I'm sure she's going to the take her wife with her and I can finally meet her then as well. Then again I do have that benefit dinner right after, so I have to take Ell with me anyway because we'll be going to the dinner right after this little party ends provided that Ell actually decides to take the night off and go with me. With the way things have been lately I wouldn't doubt it if Ell made things difficult for me. It would be a pain in the ass to go through that whole night with everyone asking me about where Ell is and why she didn't come as well as if everything is alright between us. Plus to face my mother without Ell being there would give her a reason to be overly smug about everything since she told me not to date Ell as well or to trust her.

I put my cigarette out and ran my fingers through my hair closing my eyes as I did so. It is frustrating to always hear about how Ell is not good for me and that I shouldn't be with her. It's one of the reasons why I dated her in the first place to be honest. I wanted to spite my mother mostly, but also because other people said it wouldn't be wise. My brother distrusted Ell from the beginning, but he at least acknowledges that even though he dislikes her that she at least takes care of me. Although with everything happening lately he's probably two seconds away from telling me "I told you so." A lot of our partners who are married to their soulmates told me to wait until I found mine while those who hadn't found theirs just told me to be careful because one of us may find our soulmate at some point. Neither has happened yet and I call that an accomplishment.

I stared down at my hands and began to chip away my nail polish. I'll call Ell tomorrow and ask if she can clear her schedule for the last week of December and hope that she's willing to do so. I'll also need to sit down and have a conversation with her about spending more time together in the new year. I do miss her, but at this very moment I miss Laura more than I miss her.

***********

"Are we going to stay here for the whole party?" Will asked as he texted.

"Not sure. Depends on how bored I get."

"Or if Laura is even here," he teased.

I bumped his shoulder with mine. "Not that again."

He smiled and tucked his phone into his pocket. "I'm going to tease you about your crush until the end of time Kitty."

I rolled my eyes. "Try not to do it where other people can hear and see you at least."

"Of course. I'm not that reckless."

I shook my head and opened the door to the office and saw all of the New Year’s decorations all over the room. I searched the room for a bit searching for Laura since she's the only person I know here. Instead I spotted two gingers standing by the snack and drink table. I smirked and walked over to them.

"Well if it isn't the Weasley twins," I teased.

They both turned around and Perry was the first to pull me into a hug. "Carmilla dear I didn't know you were coming," she said after letting me go.

"Nice to see you again Karnstein. Looks like you finally decided to come out of your cave," LaFontaine teased with a smirk on their face.

"I see you have both your eyebrows, so apparently your science experiments have been failing. I'm worried for you LaFontaine," I mocked.

They rolled their eyes then punched my shoulder. "You jerk."

I laughed and reached behind them to grab a handful of popcorn. "So what brings you two here?" I asked while scanning the room again. I grabbed a cup of juice.

"Our friend Laura invited us. She's supposed to be getting an award tonight for having been a great addition to the staff here," Perry said proudly.

I choked on my juice and Will stood at my side hitting my back. I waved him off then cleared my throat. "Did you say Laura?" I got around a few more coughs.

"Yeah, Laura Hollis-Lawrence. She did that piece on you about your deal with your mother," LaFontaine explained.

"Right. How do you know her?" I asked curiously.

"We went to Silas together for our undergrad," LaFontaine answered.

"Yes and I can't seem to find her. Didn't she say she was here already?" Perry asked worriedly.

LaFontaine pulled out their phone. "Yeah she did, but I haven't seen her since we got here either," they answered.

"I haven't seen Danny either. I thought she would have come with Laura or at least a little bit after her," Perry mused as she searched the room.

"I'll text her again and see where she's at," LaFontaine said while tapping away at their phone.

"I'll see you two in a bit. I'm just going to do a walk through," I said excusing myself.

Will followed right next to me. "Anything in particular you want me to do?"

"Make sure no one bothers me for a bit," I said as I walked up to Betty. Thankfully I had the foresight to look up what she looked like. "Betty?"

She looked at me and a smile crossed her face as she excused herself from the person she was talking with. "Ms. Karnstein I'm so glad you were able to show up." She held her hand out so I may shake it.

"Thank you for the invitation. Although I was wondering if you had a balcony or something close by. I'm in need of a smoke," I lied.

"Of course. Just go down to the end of the offices and make a left. The glass doors will lead out onto the balcony."

"Thank you." I stepped away and began to walk to the other end of the office that wasn't being used for the party.

"Hey!" Will called. I turned to face him with an annoyed face. "You might need these." He tossed me a pack of cigarettes. I caught them and saluted him in thanks. I shoved the cigarettes into my coat pocket then continued to make my way to the balcony.

I made my way to the back of the office then opened the doors onto the balcony. My hunch was right in that I would find Laura out here. She didn't turn around at the sound of the door closing and kept on talking on the phone. She was pacing back and forth as she argued with the person on the other end. I took the pack of cigarettes out and actually lit one. Might as well get in a smoke while I wait for her to be done on the phone. I made my way to the balcony railing then turned to press my back to it so I could watch her pace back and forth. She obviously did not notice I was here because she kept right on talking.

"I can't believe you are doing this to me right now," she said frustrated with some anger. "No. I told you earlier this month that this party was going to happen tonight and that I was going to be receiving an award. I did remind you!" She ran her fingers through her hair. "No. You know what? Forget it. You had plenty of time yesterday to go through half the finals you gave, but instead you decided to go to the gym and go help a few students with making their class schedules for next semester which they have advisors to do that for them. They don't need you." She turned toward the balcony and finally saw me. Her eyes went wide for a moment. "Whatever Danny. I'll see you when I get home." She hung up the phone then practically ran over to me.

She threw her arms around my neck as I flicked my cigarette to the ground then stepped on it to put it out. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight. I hate how much I missed how she fits against me. I hate how much I missed her warmth and the constant smell of cookies mixed with whatever shampoo and conditioner she is using that month. I hate how much I missed the way she burrows her face against the crook of my neck and how I can count her breaths since they are steady against my neck. I hate how much I missed the way her arms tighten around me as if I'm the only thing tying her to the world. Most of all I hate how much I want to tell her I missed her.

"Miss me much creampuff?" I teased.

"You have no idea," she whispered against my neck.

Maybe I should have told her I missed her since that answer just made my heart ache even more. "What's wrong?" 

She pulled back as she sighed and I leaned down to press my forehead against hers. Her thumb caressed the back of my neck. "It's nothing really. Just another argument with my wife."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not exactly. I just want to get through tonight is all."

"Okay."

"What brings you here?"

"Your coworker Betty called and invited me. Thought I'd show up for a bit before I head to a benefit tonight."

"Can you stay the whole time?" She asked.

"I'll stay for your award."

"How did you know I'm getting an award?"

"Apparently we share an association with the Weasley twins."

She laughed. "Do you have a nickname for everyone?"

"Pretty much creampuff."

"Hey Laura they're going to be giving out awards soon," LaFontaine said.

She jumped out of my arms and LaFontaine stared at the both of us in shock. "Thanks LaF," Laura answered as she quickly walked back into the building.

"Uh right. Yeah," LaFontaine said after her retreating back. They turned to me.

"We're neighbors and friends. That's why I trusted her with writing that article in the first place," I explained.

"That looked like more than just neighbors and friends," Laf pointed out.

"Close friends then," I amended.

"Carmilla," they said with a warning tone.

"There's nothing between us."

"There better not be. She's married."

"I'm well aware of that."

They scratched the back of their neck. "Is she happy?"

"When she's with me yes," I answered honestly.

They nodded their head. "Don't fall for her Carmilla. It'll only hurt you both."

"I won't," I lied. It's already too late. I have fallen for her.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I walked into the party and went straight to where Perry was standing by the snack table. "There you are Laura! Where's LaF?" Perry asked.

"They're talking to Carmilla outside," I said nervously while looking back to see if they were coming in yet.

"What's wrong sweetie?" Perry asked worriedly.

"I-I-I'm not sure Perry," I admitted.

"You can tell me Laura," she reassured.

I looked around then grabbed her elbow to bring her closer. I leaned in to whisper in her ear, "I may have a crush on Carmilla."

She pulled back. "Laura," she said sadly.

"I know. There's nothing going on between us, but I have a crush on her."

She rubbed my back. "Sweetie what are you going to do?"

"I'm not sure Perry. I don't even know what to do. I just know that I like her. This wasn't supposed to happen."

She pulled me into a hug. "It's alright sweetie we’ll figure it out."

"I hope so," I said dejectedly.

I looked back and saw Carmilla and LaF walking over to us. Carmilla had her hands tucked into her blazer and I saw that she was wearing the black tie I had let her borrow. She came over and stood next to me as LaF slid in next to Perry. I looked behind Carmilla to see Will walking over to us as well. Carmilla shifted to stand a bit further away from me. Will came up to stand next to her and she moved to stand next to him more. He slipped his hands in his pocket and glanced from her to me.

"So how do you know Perry and LaF?" I asked Carmilla.

"Perry conned me into being a big sister to one of her delinquents," Carmilla answered teasingly.

"If I remember correctly you were just walking around the benefit looking bored until you came across my table," Perry defended.

"Yeah that's just because one of the delinquents you brought with you was giving you lip so I decided to step in," Carmilla explained.

"Yes well that particular young lady is now your adoptive daughter," Perry countered.

"Wait, you adopted Elsie?" I asked Carmilla.

"You know Elsie?" Carmilla asked shocked.

"Yes. I used to help her with her English homework when she was younger and living at a foster home near where I worked. She had a bad attitude, but a good head on her shoulders."

Carmilla smiled and laughed. "She still does have a bad attitude, but she's smarter than ever now."

"I bet she is," I said happily.

Carmilla smiled even more and looked down at the ground. She inched a bit closer to me. "Well I'm trying to get her to apply to Silas to study medicine, but she's a pain in the ass and doesn't want to listen to me.”

"She needs someone to believe in her." I met her gaze with sincerity.

"Would you like to stop by sometime and see her? She lives in an apartment above my shop with one of my other workers."

"I would love to," I answered.

A small flicker of happiness filled her eyes. "Good. Hopefully she'll remember you."

"I hope so too."

"How's Ell?" LaF asked bluntly.

Carmilla blinked and a shield went up in her eyes as she looked away. "Ell is fine. She couldn't take the week off unfortunately since this is the best week for sales to go up."

"That sucks. Don't you have all of those benefit dinners and parties to go to this week?" They asked.

"I do, but it's not the first time I show up with just my annoying brother here."

"I will remember that when I leave you to the press to be devoured," Will joked.

She bumped his shoulder. "Don't be a jerk."

"I couldn't be even if I tried," he said sarcastically.

"Well I so hope we get to see Ell again. She's such a nice girl," Perry added.

"She really is," Carmilla admitted.

"Which reminds me. Where is Danny?" Perry asked me.

"She had to stay home and grade the finals from her classes," I answered trying not to sound so bitter.

"And she couldn't put that on hold for a bit to come tonight?" LaF asked with an angry frown forming on their face.

"She said it had to be done tonight."  
Their fist clenched tightly around their drink. "Well luckily you have us here then," they said while looking at Carmilla.

"Thanks. I appreciate all of you being here especially since I wouldn't be getting an award without all of your help."

"Anything you need Laura we will always help you," Perry said cheerily.

"Thank you."

I looked at LaF and watched as they pulled out their phone and how their thumb hovered over it for a moment before sliding the phone back in their pocket. They had a murderous look on their face. I could tell that they were not happy that Danny didn't come with me tonight especially since I was getting a rookie award for the work I have done since being hired. Where they were angry I was beginning to feel my heart sink because of the fact that they noticed that it wasn't right of Danny to not show up. The last thing I wanted was pity, but I know how LaF can be protective. At least they allow me to solve my problems myself even if they want nothing more than to jump in and fix everything for me. They respect me and know that I will handle the situation even if they don't agree with the outcome. I know that I can always count on them for help and for them to be honest with me.

I felt fingertips press against the back of my hand. I looked down then up to see that Carmilla had stepped closer to me. I took comfort in her touch and used it to ground myself. Tonight was not the night for self-pity or anger. I twitched my hand up to let her know that I was fine. She trailed her fingertips down my hand to my fingertips then pulled away. She stepped even closer until our shoulders were only an inch apart from one another. I took comfort in how close she was and the warmth that was radiating off her and making its way into my system. I wanted to hold her hand to feel the weight of her hand in mine and draw strength from it, but I know it wouldn't be appropriate in front of everyone here especially LaF. I didn't want LaF to look at me weirdly and I definitely didn't want Perry to see how much I actually did like Carmilla. I looked down to Carmilla's hand and saw it twitching slightly as if she was fighting the urge to hold my hand. I ran my fingertips along the back of her hand to the tips of her fingers to let her know I was still here. Her hand stopped twitching and her body relaxed more. We shared a brief look of understanding.

For the rest of the night we did that back and forth to let one another know we were still there. I'm sure other people may have noticed, but I honestly didn't care. I was really starting to feel the weight of Danny having not been here for me and Carmilla's fingers trailing my hand was the only thing stopping me from breaking down right now. Her touch was the only thing stopping me from running out of here early.

"Hello everyone!" Betty's voice called over everyone from the front of the crowd. "I would like to thank everyone for joining us tonight and we thank everyone for all of the hard work they have done this year as well as thanking everyone for giving us the privilege of writing about you this year." Everyone clapped their hands respectively. "Alright, with that I want to start off the night with our Rookie of the Year award. Now this tiny journalist," she began. I scowled and crossed my arms. She chuckled as she saw me. "Well this journalist doesn't like being called small even though they are very short, but even though they are small the work they have done for the last couple months have been big," Betty continued. "She has been an editor for us during the cut backs and she has written great pieces about the local businesses around town as well as fallen heroes. She has even written an article on the elusive Carmilla Karnstein and her company." Betty smiled. "Most of all she has been a great friend and addition to our team with a big heart. This award goes to Laura Hollis-Lawrence," she said happily. I walked up to the front and collected my little trophy then walked back to my friends. Betty went on to present the next office award.

"Congratulations cupcake," Carmilla said as she wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and kissed my cheek.

I returned the hug and kiss feeling as happy as ever to be in her arms. "Thanks Carm. I appreciate it."   
She released me so I could hug Will, Perry, and LaF. I took a picture of the little trophy and sent it to Danny. I knew she was probably not going to see it until I got home since she hates to answer texts while she is grading papers. I smiled as people came over to congratulate me and say thank you for writing articles for them.

"Hey cupcake I have to get going. I have a benefit dinner to go to," Carm said.

"Wait for me. I'm just going to say bye to my boss because I'm done here as well," I said mildly desperate to keep her with me for as long as I can.

"Alright. Come find me when you're done," she said.

I nodded my head and went off to say my goodbyes and thanks to everyone. I gave Perry and LaF another hug before going back to Carmilla. I tapped the back of her hand. "Ready," I said cheerily.

She smiled and tucked her hands into the pockets of her coat. We stood in front of the elevator with Will on the other side of Carmilla and my hands began to suddenly shake a lot. I watched as the numbers glowed as the elevator came closer to our floor. I felt as if I was hit by a car just as the elevator doors opened. I felt myself being pulled into the elevator.

"Sorry Will. Catch the next one," I heard Carmilla say.

The elevator doors shut then it began to descend. I felt Carmilla's strong arms wrap around me and pull me tight against her. She caressed the back of my neck and pressed a kiss to the side of my forehead. I reached up and grabbed the end of her shirt as I felt myself falling apart in her arms. I felt one of her arms let go of me then the elevator stop. Her fingers thread in my hair as she held me against her. I gripped her coat tighter and tucked my head into the crook of her neck. It was then that I registered that I was sobbing uncontrollably against her. My body shook and my sobs filled the space of the elevator. I moved my hands to Carmilla's back and clung onto her desperately as the small plastic trophy clattered against the floor of the elevator.

Perry and LaF showed up tonight for me even though they didn't read all of my articles yet, but they did at least try to keep up with the articles that I edited or wrote. Carmilla and Will showed up thanks to Betty, but even though I didn't invite them personally they still supported me and were here for me. My wife on the other hand couldn't make the time for me. She had all day yesterday to grade finals and even then the grades for the semester weren't due for another three days. She had to pick tonight of all nights to abandon me. She knows how important work is to me and she couldn't even bother to take a break to come. I always take off work to go to her office functions, but she couldn't show up for me. Why didn't she show up for me?

"I'm here for you Laura. Right here," Carmilla whispered in my ear.

I clutched the back of her shirt and let her calm me down. I don't know how long I held onto her, but once I calmed down she pulled back slightly and brushed away my tears with her thumbs then pressed a kiss to my forehead. She kissed the corner of my eyes as she cupped my face in her hands then leaned her forehead against mine. I reached up and held onto her wrists.

"Thank you Carm." 

"Anytime." Her thumbs caressed my cheeks.

I kissed her cheek then stepped away. I released the emergency stop then picked my trophy up from the floor. I stepped into her embrace again and let her comfort me until we arrived in the lobby.

"I guess this makes us even," I said as we stepped out of the elevator.

"Not exactly," she said with a smile.

"Why not?"

"I don't have a secret area in the park to take you to."

I smiled and tilted my head to the side. "You're right, but not everyone can have a secret area in the park."

She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and escorted me outside. "Well maybe I can make it up to you tonight if you're still awake."

"How so?"

"I'll watch Dr. Who with you."

I stepped out of her hold "Seriously?"

"Yes."   
I threw myself at her hugging her tightly. "You're the best!"

She laughed. "Alright creampuff. I need to get to a benefit dinner. I'll text you when I'm on the way back to my apartment." She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear then trailed her finger tips down along my jaw. "Are you going to be alright getting home?"

"I am. Thank you for staying."

"Of course." A black Mustang pulled up in front of us and I looked to see Will get out of the driver's side.

"This is me cupcake. Are you sure you have a ride home?"

"I'm sure. I'm just parked a bit further down the street."

"I can walk you," she offered.

"No need. I'm fine by myself," I assured her.

"Alright then. Stay safe."

"I will."

She squeezed my hand then went to climb into the driver's seat of her car. Will gave me a wave then climbed into the car as well. I watched as she left then headed to my car. If Danny is still awake she's going to sleep on the couch tonight or I'm going to spend the night at Perry and LaF's place after spending time with Carmilla. I don't want to be near Danny at the moment in case I say something I'll regret later on. I just don't want to deal with it right now. I just want to be with Carmilla tonight.


	11. Decisions

**_Laura_ **

I leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand as I stared down at my watch as it covered my wrist. I lifted my head and undid the watch placing it on the table to stare at my bare wrist. I leaned my cheek back into the palm of my hand and lifted my wrist off the table to gaze morosely at it. The emptiness of my wrist a constant reminder that I have yet to find a soulmate and a symbol of whether or not I ever will. I turned my hand over palm up to look on the inside of my wrist where the mark is meant to begin and end when it first appears. I know that I do not need a soulmate mark or a soulmate to be happy, but at the same time I do often wonder what it would be like to have one. Would I be happier with my soulmate or would I still run into the same problems I am having with Danny? Would I leave Danny for my soulmate if I happened to finally find them? Would it be worth it to end a relationship I have known for so long as friends and then lovers? Could I break Danny's heart more than it has already been broken? I sighed and lowered my hand to the table. I couldn't hurt Danny in that way, but I know that at the same time that I just might. It was already bad enough I had a crush on Carmilla and maybe, just maybe, she might have a crush on me too. 

"Someone is looking morose."

I turned to see LaF standing in the hallway in their pajamas with a concerned look in their eyes. "Hey LaF."

They came over and took a seat next to me. They folded their arms on the table then rested their head on them. "How'd you sleep?"

I folded my arms on the table and rested my head on top of them. "As well as I possibly could under the current circumstances."

"Has she messaged you yet?" 

The feeling of my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach at the mention of Danny came back. "Yes."

"Did you answer?"

"I told her I was safe."

They nodded their head. "It won't be long until she starts scouring the city in search of you." 

"If only she showed that same amount of effort last night," I snapped. 

"Agreed." 

We sat there in silence and stared out the window to watch as the sun shifted higher into the sky. Perry had left an hour ago because of an emergency with one of her cases, so it was incredibly quiet without the sounds of her fussing over us and making breakfast. It was good though. As much as I loved Perry and how much she cared and liked to show it, I enjoyed that LaF gives me my space to think and waits for me to be ready to talk better. They had no problems with the silence. I sighed and kept my eyes on the brightening sky outside. 

"I don't know what to do anymore with Danny. Things were so great before, but ever since we came back and she got this job she has been reserved and neglectful." I looked down at the table. "I knew there would be some shift in her since we were coming back here and this is where all her memories with Kirsch were, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I've always been competing with the memory of Kirsch, but now it’s worse than ever. I feel like I'm losing her and I'm not sure of what to do. I'm not sure if she even still wants to be married to me." I buried my fingers in my hair and closed my eyes. "Did I make the wrong decision in marrying her?" 

"No," they answered after a long pause. I turned my head to face them. They turned to stare at me with a fierce seriousness. "I know I haven't held back my doubts about your marriage and about Danny in general, but I have always trusted your decision. You had a crush on Danny for a long time and after what happened to Kirsch then Danny finally seeing you after all those nights she hooked up with people to bury her pain, you fell head over heels for her. You loved her so much that you made the right decision for you at that time. I'm not saying that you don't love her. I'm just wondering if you love her as much as you did then and if so, you need to talk to her and solve your problems. You don't get to run away or push them aside or pretend they don't exist. You've been pretending for a while now and it’s time to stop before you don't even know who you are anymore." 

I groaned and closed my eyes. "Why can't things just be easy?" 

"Because you have a poor choice in partners like that woman Amy the tattoo artist or Sara the track star."

"Oh god don't remind me."

They smirked. "Gotta say you were interesting."

"Shut up," I grumbled. 

They gave me a shit eating grin then shook their head. "Although Carmilla is an interesting choice." 

"Oh god please don't," I plead. 

They laughed. The smile they held slowly slipped away and they reached out and placed their hand on my arm squeezing caringly. "She's a good choice and actually cares about you."

"She has a girlfriend."

"Which I'm sure if given the chance to be with you she would leave in a heartbeat."

"I'm also married." 

LaF gave me a sad knowing smile. "But she's not your soulmate." 

"Neither is Carmilla."

"But at least she hasn't found her soulmate either." They squeezed my arm giving me a more serious stare. "Even if you two aren't each other’s soulmate and even if you two never find your soulmates, I feel that she will still love and care for you as if you two were meant to be all along." 

I opened my mouth then hesitated. They're right. Somehow I feel that even though Carmilla and I are not soulmates that our relationship would be just as deep and meaningful as if we were. I feel it in the way my hand fits perfectly with hers and how I melt into her when she has her arms wrapped around me. I feel it when she leans her forehead against mine for comfort and the way her eyes see more than just what's on the surface. I feel it when her soft lips press against my cheek or forehead and the way she effortlessly takes care of me. I feel her deeply and I can't help wanting to just have her all to myself. I can't help wanting to get lost in her touch, in her warmth, and her gaze. I want to know what it will feel like to have her lips against mine and to have a moment of her taking over every one of my senses. I want it so much, but I can't. I'm married and I wouldn't do that to Danny. I can't hurt Danny and the more I find myself falling for Carmilla the more I am hurting Danny without her even knowing that I am because of how much more I end up wanting to be with Carmilla. It's frustrating to feel so much for someone you've only known for a few months and to start feeling numb towards someone you have married. It’s even more frustrating knowing that because of my own righteousness that I won't leave Danny. I will try to fix things with her and hope for the best, but I can't leave her. I can't leave her for Carmilla. Why can't things just be easy? 

"I eventually have to talk to Danny won't I?" I said to change the topic. 

LaF gave me a knowing look, but went with it. "Yeah." They shrugged. "Who knows. There has to be a real reason she would miss your office party and you getting that award. It’s never simple with her." 

"I know and that's what makes me angry about this whole situation." I turned my stare back to the window. "As usual she's keeping something from me."

"She only does it to protect you."

"The problem is that I don't need her to protect me." 

"You can't change that about her."

"I know." I ran my fingers through my hair letting my nails scratch my scalp soothingly. "Do you mind if I stay a bit longer? I want to get this article finished up before I sit her down and try to wrestle the information out if her."

"Of course frosh. You know you can always stay here for as long as you need."

"Thanks LaF you're the best." 

"I know I am." They winked then stood up. "Let's go get some breakfast at the diner first though."

"Still banned from the kitchen?" 

"For life." 

I nodded my head. "Yeah I'm gonna go with Perry on that one." 

"Screw you I can cook!" 

I smirked. "Yeah sure. How many times have you burned your fingers or filled the apartment with smoke?" 

They scowled. "Shut up and get your hoodie." 

I laughed and got up to grab my hoodie while they went to their room to get theirs. I pulled it down over my pajama top then slipped into my slippers and waited for them to come back out. Going out in our pajamas for breakfast has always been our thing when it’s just the two of us since both Perry and Danny hate going anywhere without being fully dressed in something acceptable. I leaned against the couch and tucked my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie. I twirled my wedding ring around on my finger. Hopefully LaF lets me stay here a bit longer before they toss me out to go solve my problems with Danny. I just need a bit more time to calm down.

* * *

**_Carmilla_ **

I sat on the couch and sipped my coffee while going over some paperwork Will emailed me last night for one of our products. I glanced at my phone in hopes that Laura would message me back soon. I hadn't seen her since that night of the new year’s party for her job and I haven't seen her in her apartment during the times I had caught the curtains open. She had messaged me saying she would text me when she was able to spend time with me, but I haven't heard from her in the last four days since then and I was beginning to worry. I want to give her her space since I wouldn't like it if someone tried to suffocate me with a million texts. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should message Perry and see if she knows anything. No. That would raise too many questions that I didn't want to answer and I definitely didn't want to hear what LaFontaine had to say about it either. I bit my bottom lip as I stared at my phone. 

I snapped my head to the door at the small knocks. I sighed and glanced at my phone longingly before getting up and going to the door. I unlocked the door and opened it a crack. I looked to see who it was then immediately slammed it. This damn woman! 

"Carmilla dear. I would hope that you had learned better manners than what you are displaying at the current moment from the time I had spent raising you," her condescending tone seeped through from the other side of the door. I scowled at the door hoping she could feel my anger. "I came to discuss matters pertaining to Matska." 

I clenched my hands into fists then released them before yanking the door open. "What do you want mother?" I said trying not to growl. 

She swiped at her coat to dust off imaginary dirt. "As I said, I am here to discuss matters pertaining to Matska." 

I mockingly swept my hand forward inviting her in. "After you."

She folded her hands in front of her over her baby belly while holding tightly to a yellow envelope and walked in. "This is nice," she said sweetly as she looked around. 

I rolled my eyes. "What did you want to talk about?" I sat down on my couch and gestured for her to sit down. 

She sat down in the armchair furthest from me to the right and set the envelope down on her lap while crossing her ankles. "I was just coming to check that you had everything set up, but from the looks of your apartment you haven't baby proofed anything."

I glanced around my apartment then grabbed a piece of scrap paper and a pen. "What needs to be baby proofed?"

"The edges of the tables and kitchen counters, the power sockets, remove the glass from areas that can be reached, and remove any small objects that a baby can choke on."

I wrote everything down. "Is there anything else?"

"No. Have you gotten a crib, some diapers, bottles, and baby formula?" 

"Everything but the diapers and formula. I have to go with Will to make sure we get the same brand."

"Where did you place the crib?" 

I set the pen down and leaned back. "In my bedroom. I had Ell help me rearrange the furniture to fit the crib in there." 

She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the mention of Ell. "May I see it?" 

I stared at her for a moment then got up. "Come with me." 

She stood up with the help from the arm rests of the chair and took a moment to compose her balance before following me down the hallway. She stopped in the archway and took in my room. Luckily Ell had cleaned the room yesterday before heading to work. She walked into the room and went to the crib. She ran her fingertips over the smooth wood and gazed sadly down at the blanket, stuffed animals, sheet, and crib liner. She gripped the bar of the crib then let it go slowly before turning to me with glossy eyes.   
"She should be happy when she's here." 

I gulped and looked away. "I hope so." I glanced back at her and watched her turn and begin to leave my room. 

I followed behind her then watched her stop in front of my door. "Who will be taking care of her when she comes home from the hospital?" 

"I will take care of her that first month since Will will be away on a business trip later that week." 

She nodded her head. "I hope your friend is ready to help you," she said with mild distaste. 

I crossed my arms and squared my shoulders. "Ell can't wait for my baby sister to come stay with us." 

She clenched her jaw. "Yes well Ell is another reason I am here." Her fingers tapped on the envelope. 

I glared at her. "If you're going to insult her then you can leave," I growled. 

"It’s not called insulting if I have proof that she's been cheating on you for quite some time now," she stated with indifference. 

"Bullshit!" I snapped. She cocked her eyebrow up then lowered her eyes to her stomach as if reprimanding me for using bad language in front of my sister. I bit my lip and looked away. Alright she can have that one. I'll have to learn to watch my language. 

"I would not be telling you this if it wasn't true. As much as you despise me, I am trying to do something right for you, your brother, and your sister."

"Bullsh...stuff," I struggled. "You're just doing this because you know it pis...makes me mad." 

She smirked at my attempts to clean up my vocabulary. "Say what you will, but a picture is worth a thousand words and I have plenty." She held the envelope up to me. 

I glared at it. "You're fu...you're lying and its time for you to leave." 

She lowered the envelope then walked over to my coffee table and set it down there. "I'm going to leave this with you. Take the information or not, but you know something is wrong and has been wrong for a long time. I know I haven't held my tongue concerning the woman, but I am right about this and the pictures in that envelope can prove that." She walked over to the door and opened it. "I know you believe that I am doing this to hurt you and I know it will if you decide to look, but I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm doing it because I know all I have ever done was hurt you and knowing that I am going to die has put that in perspective. It’s too late to make amends with you and I know it, but it’s not too late to do something for your sister. Your friend is not good for your sister and I don't want her near her." She left my apartment closing the door with a soft click. 

I seethed with anger as I stared at the door then moved to sit on the couch. I had a stare down with the envelope on the coffee table before reaching out to grab it. She's right that it’s too late to do anything to right her wrongs with me at this point and probably forever if she wasn't on her death bed, but I know she's trying to do everything right for Matska. I pulled the envelope onto my lap and stared at it. Ell has been distant for a while now and has been spending more time at the bar than anything else. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been running away from the thought that she may be cheating on me because I didn't have anyone else. She was the first woman to just see me and want to be with me and not my money. She didn't care that I lived in a cheap apartment and that I owned and worked at a bookshop five days a week like any other person with a small business. She was a woman who also didn't have a soulmate nor cared to ever find hers if they were even born during this lifetime. She just wanted to live her life and love and be loved. Now though I'm not sure she wants to love me or be loved by me. Yet I also do not want to take anything given to me by that woman. If Ell wants to leave me then she just has to woman up and do it. I threw the envelope back onto the coffee table and got up. If it pisses mother off that I'm with Ell than I have no problems with continuing to piss her off by staying with Ell. 

I stood up and went to the kitchen for a beer. It’s not even five, but at this moment who cares. I went back to the couch. The envelope mocked me with the information that was inside it. I ground my teeth together then clenched my jaw as I stared at it. She knew that if she left it here in the open that it would drive me insane to not open it even if I fought against the temptation. I gripped the beer bottle tighter. What right did she have to pry into my life anyway? After all she had done to me she thinks she can just start being nice now and everything would be forgiven. She is sorely mistaken if she believes I will give her forgiveness. I walked around the couch and set the beer down on the coffee table next to the envelope. I leaned my elbows on my knees as I stared at the envelope some more. I know that if Ell really is cheating on me like I feel she has been that it’s not good to keep her around and allow her to have a part in my sister's life, but Ell has been my only one for so long already. I sighed. I clasped my hands together and leaned my forehead into them. 

How long has she been cheating on me? 

I lowered my hands and grabbed the envelope. My hands shook slightly as I opened the envelope and closed my eyes. I let out a tired sigh as I reached into the envelope and grasped the bundle of photos and documents within. I opened my eyes as I pulled the information out and set it on the table. I set the envelope to the side and looked at the stack of photos noticing the first photo in the stack and the date. It was dated two days after I had made things official with Ell two years ago. 

"Bullshit," I said through gritted teeth. 

I began to quickly flip through the pictures taking note of the dates and where we were in that part of our relationship. I ground my teeth together with each picture and date as it became clear that Ell has been lying to me this entire relationship. I picked up the stacks of paper that were copies of bank statements and receipts that had been collected. Dinners that I never went to with her and hotels I have never been to. I dropped the stack onto the coffee table and ran my fingers angrily through my hair. I rubbed my forehead then picked up the stack of papers and photos and threw them across the room listening as they scattered all around the floor. This can't be happening. This has to be a lie. Mother must have altered all of this just to get me to break things off with Ell. There's just no way it could be true. This is all a hoax. 

I clasped my hands together and stared at the mess scattered across the floor. I leaned my lips against my hands as my eyes fell on one of the many pictures of Ell with some woman who dies her hair blonde. I stared at the picture some more then got up to pick it up off the floor. I held it in my hands as I felt like I knew who this woman was. I can't quite place her, but I know who she is. I've seen her somewhere before. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as I stared at the woman in the picture some more until it finally dawned on me. This was the bartender that I had met when I had gone to look for Ell that one night. She went to the back to grab Ell for me and never came back out while I briefly talked to Ell. It was no wonder she looked away and I got that weird vibe from her that night. 

I crumbled the picture up and threw it. This is ridiculous. This is all a lie. It has to be. Mother has to be lying to me. There is just no way. There just isn't! I scanned the pictures and papers all over the floor then balled my hands into tight fists. I need to know for sure. 

 

 

 

 

 

I stood outside the bar pulling my jacket tighter around me. I hid in the alley and stared in through the corner window to the bar top. Ell was wiping down the counters as the other employees were beginning to break down tables and chairs that were not being used. The bartender from that one night came up behind Ell and wrapped her arms around Ell's waist. She kissed Ell's shoulder then trailed kisses up her neck before nuzzling it. Ell reached up behind her with her left hand and thread her fingers through the girl's hair. It was then that I saw the tattoo that circled her wrist. She had a soulmate mark. I slammed my fist against the wall. I never noticed the mark before because she always wore her black bracelet over her wrist. The other girl trailed her left hand up Ell's arm and I saw the matching tattoo on her wrist. I ducked into the alley and clutched my stomach as I felt the rush of having to throw up. I pressed my hand against the wall in front of me and dry heaved. 

It took a while, but eventually my stomach settled and I could breathe again. I stood up and looked through the window once more seeing Ell smile happily and carefree. I shook my head then stepped out from the alley to make my way back home. My mother was right. My mother was right and all I want to do is unsee everything. I want to go back in time and not let her into my apartment. I want to go back and never open that envelope. I want to go back to how things used to be. 

But how things used to be was a lie from the very beginning.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I sat at our dinner table with my cheek leaned into the palm of my hand as I sat there waiting for Danny to come back from working out. It had taken me a few days, but I finally felt well enough to come back home. I messaged her letting her know that I had come back and that I was ready to talk if she was. She quickly got back to me and said she would be home right away. 

I looked at the curtain covered window that led to the fire escape and sighed. My body was itching to go out on the fire escape and see if Carmilla was there. I wanted to feel her arms around me as she held me and waited for me to tell her what was wrong with me. I wanted to feel her lips against my cheek or forehead as she told me that everything would be alright. I just wanted to hear her voice and feel like I mattered even if it was for only a moment. I really just want to be with her. I wonder if she wants to be with me too. 

The door opened in a rush and Danny stepped into the apartment out of breath. She dropped her stuff by the door closing it then almost ran to the table. She stopped at the head of the table and balled her hands up against her sides. I dropped my hand down on the table and stared up at her. I switched my gaze to the chair then looked back at the table top. The chair scraped against the wood as it was pulled out then it groaned as she sat down. I looked at her and watched as she folded her hands on top of the table. I watched as she nervously tapped her foot. I waited for her to begin. If she wants to have a conversation, then she needs to start it. 

"My deadline was different because I had to defend the grades that I had given to my students especially the ones I gave A's and F's too," she began hesitantly. "They voted to keep me, so I have my job next semester. They won't have to give me an intense review like they did this time."

I stared at the table top. "When was the review?" 

"The day after your office party." 

"Why didn't you say anything?" 

"Because I didn't want you to worry. I know what you're going say," she cut in when I snapped my head up to look at her. "I didn't do it because I was protecting you. I was doing it because I didn't want you to make me nervous. You worrying makes me extremely nervous and I tend to mess up because of that. I didn't want to mess this up because all I've been doing is messing up since we got here. I wanted to do something right for once, but I couldn't do that if I had your nervous energy all around me. I'm sorry and I know that's not good enough because that office party was an important night for you. I can only hope that at some point after I've apologized a million times and have tried to make it up to you that you could forgive me. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or even this week, but at some point." She looked at me apologetically. "I'm so sorry and I never meant for you to feel as if I didn't love you. I'm going to be there for you for everything now that I don't have all this pressure on me. Just send me those calendar invites you enjoy sending so much and I'll make sure that you'll come first."

I bit my lip then looked away feeling the flood of sadness work its way through me again. "Obviously not when you're in class."

Her finger lightly tapped my arm. "Even during class if you need me," she whispered confidently. 

I looked down at where her hand rested by my arm and took in a deep breath letting it out slowly. "I don't forgive you, but eventually."

"That's all I ask."

I nodded my head and placed my hand on top of hers not wanting to drag this conversation out because of how tired I was of fighting. This is all I can give her right now. I can't forgive her at the moment, but eventually I can with time. I just need to see the commitment she has promised me. I need to see that she is there for me more now that she doesn't have to worry about being fired from her job. I need to see her putting in more effort to be with me and to be there when I need her the most. I just need her. I need her because I feel like I'm drifting away from her and I don't want to do that. She's the one I chose to live my life with and I need to feel that desire to be with only her again. I need only her. 

I steadily ran my fore finger over the back of her hand. Her hand twitched slightly and then turned over palm up. I traced the lines on the palm of her hand as my emotions fought against one another. I moved my finger then spread all of my fingers out over hers and ran my fingers along the length of hers. Her hand is steady and devoted. Her hand is protective and joy. Her hand is loving and strong. Her hand is familiar. I interlocked our fingers together. I don't want to let go. I can't. 

So something has to give.

 

 


	12. Can't Stay Away

**_Carmilla_ **

I leaned against the railing watching as my cigarette burned down. I flicked the ashes off the end then watched as it burned some more. 

I haven't told Ell that I know she's been cheating on me since the very beginning. I hid the evidence away so she wouldn't find it by accident. I know I shouldn't have. I know I should let her find the pictures and then see what she does, but I can't. I don't want her to know that I know about her affair. I should. I should confront her about it and demand answers, but I can't. Even though not knowing whether or not she has ever loved me is killing me inside, I can't bring myself to actually hear the words from her mouth if it turns out she never did. I don't want to hear what will most definitely break me. 

I have invested myself fully in her. I have defended her against my mother and brother. I have been there for her when she had nightmares about the night her partner was shot and died in her arms during a pursuit of a suspect on foot. I was there to comfort her. I was there to take her to all of her appointments to the psychiatrist and to cheer her up after a hard session. I was there for her when she needed to find a new job after having not been able to be around other people or loud noises. I have made sure she takes her medicine every day when she wakes up and every night before she goes to sleep. I have supported her throughout her career as a bartender. I have done everything to make sure she was alright. I have given her everything. I have been so devoted and for what? Did she even care about me? Did she ever feel bad about cheating on me? Did she ever appreciate what I have done for her? Has she ever loved me? 

I flicked the ashes off the end of my cigarette before snuffing it. I thread my fingers through my hair as I fought the desire to cry all over again. 

I have found every reason to not be near Ell for the past two weeks. I have stayed in the apartment above my bookstore with JP and Elsie and I have stayed at Will's some nights as well. My skin feels like its burning every time she touches me and I have to fight the urge to vomit when she smiles at me because I know it’s not real. I have to try to not make sounds of disgust when I dodge her kisses and let her kiss my cheek. I have to fight the need to shower and scrub my skin raw as if I could scrub away the feel of her from the last two years. I have to pretend that everything is alright when I know it isn't. I have to pretend because I don't want to lose her. I have to pretend because I don't want to prove my mother right.

I quickly wiped away my tears and cleaned my nose as soon as I heard Laura's window open. I glanced over at her then looked back down to the street below. 

Her presence was electric as she moved to stand next to me. I could feel her warmth next to me even though we weren't touching. I have waited for her for so long. I have waited to see and touch her, but now I can't even bring myself to move closer to her. 

Her hand slid across my lower back then rested on my hip as she pulled me against her side. I shuffled closer to her then laid my head on her shoulder. She slipped her hand under my shirt and began to rub circles against my skin. I turned my head to press my forehead against her shoulder as I felt the tears begin to fall again. She moved so that she was facing me and I moved along with her. She pressed my head against her shoulder as she held me tight against her. I wrapped my arms around her and let the tears fall freely feeling everything washing over me all over again only this time I had Laura here with me. She ran her fingers through my hair and held me tight to her. 

I feel selfish for letting her comfort me when I know she's been hurting as well because of what happened with her wife if her not being here was any indication. I just...I just really need her right now. 

I pulled away once I had calmed down then wiped away the remaining tears. She kept me held against her as I tried to clean up my face as best I could before I let my arms fall onto her shoulders and wrap Around her neck. I leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as thanks for allowing me to fall apart in her arms. She pushed forward and tucked her head under my chin. I tightened my hold around her slightly and ran my hand soothingly up and down her back. 

She didn't cry or anything which probably means she's cried herself out by now. She just kept a firm hold on me as my heart quickened with the feel of her warm breath against my neck. I ran a hand down her arm to her elbow and squeezed before sliding my hand up her arm again. I pressed kisses into her hair so she knew I was still there and that I cared for her. I wanted nothing more than to take away all of her pain despite having a lot of my own to deal with. I just want to see her smile again. 

She pressed a soft kiss against my neck then nuzzled it before settling her head against my shoulder. I slackened my hold on her then leaned down to press a kiss to her shoulder. Her hand slipped under the back of my shirt and began to rub soothing circles against my lower back. I sighed at the feeling. 

"What's going on?" She asked concerned. 

"Just some things with my girlfriend."

"You want to talk about it?" 

"Not particularly."

She nodded her head then kissed my neck again. "Sorry for being away for so long."

"Its fine." You're here now. 

She pulled away making me feel cold. She searched my eyes for something and once finding it she pulled back fully. "I won't be around much. My case load has gotten bigger and my wife and I are going to spend more time together to fix what's been wrong with our relationship since moving here." The air left my lungs as if I had been punched in the stomach. "I just wanted to let you know."

I took half a step back and nodded my head. "Of course. Just let me know whenever you want to get together and do something." 

"I will." She bit her bottom lip then stepped back. "Well I should be getting to bed so goodnight," she kissed my cheek letting her lips linger a bit longer than normal as if she was saying goodbye instead of goodnight. 

"Goodnight," I said trailing my fingers down her arms as she slowly pulled away. 

She took my hand giving it a saddening squeeze before letting go. She turned her back and I felt a void form within my being. This definitely felt like more than just a goodnight. It felt like it would be a very long time before she ever messaged me again. Like it would have to be left to chance that we would ever find ourselves on this fire escape together again. I had just begun to start wanting to ask her out to places so we could be together outside of this damn fire escape, but now that chance has slipped through my fingers. Everything has begun to slip through my fingers like sand and I can't think of a way to hold onto it all. 

The walls are crumbling down around me and I can't do anything to stop it.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I tapped my pencil against my notebook as I stared at the computer screen reading over my article before I send it in to be printed. 

"Must you tap your pencil?" Betty groaned irritated. 

"Sorry." I stopped tapping my pencil. "Are you alright?"

She leaned her head back to stare at the ceiling. "My mother decided to give me a long winded lecture about finding a partner and getting married." She swiveled her chair to look at me. "How do you do it?" 

"Do what?" 

"Be married."  
I stared down at my notebook and rolled my pencil back and forth. "I don't know." I shrugged then looked at her. "It’s definitely not an easy task. You have to compromise on a lot of things and you have to work hard to maintain the relationship, but at the same time you should be comfortable and not feel like you have to fight for your relationship all the time." I looked back down at my notebook. "It’s a rollercoaster ride, but it’s worth it when you're with the right person." 

She stopped moving side to side and sat up to stare at me curiously. "Are you with the right person?" She asked bluntly. 

That's a very good question. Am I really with the right person? "Yes." I half lied. 

She stared at me long and hard. "How often do you tell yourself that because it feels like you don't even believe it." 

I frowned. "I do believe it." 

She sat back. "Maybe, but I wonder what you would look like if you actually were as content as you say you are." 

I quirked my eyebrow up at her as she smirked knowing she had hit a nerve. "I am as happy as can be and that is the truth."

She shrugged. "Then stop jumping every time your phone beeps with a message then frowning when it isn't the person you are wanting it to be."

"How do you know that it’s not my wife I'm waiting for to message me and that everyone who is not her makes me feel dejected?" 

"Because I've seen her name on your screen and the way your whole demeanor becomes defeated," she stated. She got up from her chair and stretched out her back. "When you're ready to stop lying to yourself, interesting things just may happen." She gave me a pointed look and a lifted eyebrow before turning and walking away. 

My phone vibrated at that moment and I looked down to see Danny's name flash across my screen. She's been confirming lunch dates for the past two weeks in order to start making things better again between us before her classes start up again and we won't be able to spend as much time together.   
I tapped the eraser end of my pencil against my notebook and stared at my phone. The person I want to be spending time with right now is the very person I had pushed away a week ago. I had to choose and I chose my wife. The weight of that decision, or in this case the hollowness, has left me unable to sleep let alone function properly. My mind keeps going back to Carmilla even though I should be only focused on Danny. I sighed and stared at my phone. I didn't know how deeply Carmilla had seeped into my very breath, but breathing out the pieces of her I was allowed to take in will be a task that will probably take longer than a week of being separated from her. For some reason it seems like it might take a lifetime to get the feeling of her out of my system and for some reason that bit of knowledge makes my heart beat a bit faster. 

 

 

 

 

 

I dropped my keys into the bowl by the door then hung my coat up before stepping out of my shoes and walking down the hallway to my bedroom. I set my bag down by the entrance of my bedroom then quickly stripped out of my work clothes into something more comfortable. I looked at my watch to check the time. Danny would be back in an hour after visiting her parents. I looked around my room and saw the mess that had been piling up since earlier this week. Danny for once was not freaking out about the mess, but I guess I owe it to the fact that she's been freaking out about getting things ready for the second semester. I pulled out my phone then grabbed my headphones out of my bag. I guess I can do a bit of cleaning before Danny gets back because to be honest looking at this mess is even putting me on Edge and I'm not as much as a clean freak as Danny. I can deal with a bit of clothes tossed about because of a hectic week. I sighed as my music playlist queued up. No, the real reason is because I have way too much energy from having thought about Carmilla earlier today. 

I quickly went through the room picking up clothes then making the bed before going to the kitchen to grab a rag to clean the dust off the furniture and wipe down the bathroom. A spark of guilty energy surged through my body as I began to clean my way to the living room and kitchen. I stepped in front of the window that leads out onto the fire escape and stared at the curtains closed in front of it. I haven't touched them since the night I walked away from Carmilla. The only time they had been opened is when Danny opens them to let some light into our apartment and some air to get rid of the stuffiness settling in on everything. I avoid the window at all costs during those occasions for fear of seeing Carmilla across the way in her apartment. To see the very reason why I'm currently running around at this moment trying to work out all of the energy that is just dying to fall back into her. The other part of it all is that I'm scared of how much I feel toward her. To say I have a crush on her would just downplay what I feel. I more than have a crush on her and that's the part that scares me. It’s this part that could want more from someone I barely even know. 

I reached out with one of my hands and ran it down the length of the curtain where it meets the other half in the middle. Although I guess the only true way to work someone out of your system may be to rip the band aid off and push yourself to see them and know that nothing can happen between you. To be honest this is probably one of my worst plans to ever come to mind since that one time I thought it would be an adventure to explore the caves under the Lustig building on campus. Almost falling off the edge of a cliff because of being too curious about light coming from the bottom should make a person think twice about their decisions, but clearly that does nothing for me since this is just as horrible a plan as that was. The only difference is that unlike the happiness of having my curiosity sated by the fact of the light at the bottom being a secret dance club that the alchemy club was holding with a bunch of glow in the dark fungus along the walls, this might not have a happy ending to it for everyone. 

I removed my hand from the curtain then looked around the apartment. It would be nice to have natural light and to let some air in, but I can't be the one to do it. I need Danny to come back home to do it for me. I'm not exactly ready to see Carmilla after the way I had left her and I know she knew that I was walking away from her. I can talk myself into thinking that these emotions were just a one-way street, but I'm not as blind as people like to think I am. I just choose not to see it until I have no choice to. Carmilla likes me just as much as I like her and I know how much it must have hurt to see me pull away the way I did, but I think, well I hope, that she understands why since she has a girlfriend. She more than anyone I know would be able to understand that, should understand that. 

My music briefly paused as a message came in. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see that Danny texted saying she will be back a bit later than intended because she's going to visit Kirsch's family. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. Tonight is going to be rough like it always is when she visits Kirsch's family. They don't mention much when I go to visit them as someone who had been his friend for a few years because I'm now the person who married his soulmate and they have their opinions on that subject that fall along the lines of the words of "how dare I." If they had it their way, they would have moved Danny in with them and suffocated her with his ghost and she would have let them because she always feels like it’s her fault that he passed away as if she could have protected him.

They had traded shifts because Danny had to defend her thesis for the second time in order to receive her doctorates since the first time she did it she had done poorly. She always blames herself saying if she had just done her defense correctly the first time than Kirsch would still be here, but what happened to him was just an accident and he wasn't even on duty when it happened. He was buying her a cake to celebrate her having gotten through her defense, so logically it wasn't even because they traded shifts, but to her it all started because of her defense and having to trade shifts. It will always be her fault in her mind. 

I sighed as I walked back to my room to collect the laundry basket. I grabbed my keys, locked my door, then took the elevator down to the laundry room. I walked down the stairs into the laundry room and froze. 

Carmilla. 

She was standing at the counter in the middle of the room separating clothes and looking a little worse for wear. She had dark black bags under her eyes and her hair was pulled back from her face in a bun with a few stray hairs sticking to the side of her face. She had a pair of glasses on and had a set of headphones in, the big kind with the cushion. She was wearing a gray tank top and some very short black shorts. She looked away from her laundry and met my eyes. Her eyes widened, but then they softened. The look of comfort and sadness making a strange mixture in her eyes as she stared at me. She pressed her hands against the counter and just stared at me. I continued to stare at her and slowly the comfort in her eyes began to slip away and be devoured by the sadness pooling in them. She looked back to her laundry and continued to sort them. 

I finally took a step forward and brought my laundry to the counter as well. I stood on the opposite side of her and began to sort out my own clothes until I physically couldn't handle it anymore. I sighed frustrated and then reached out and grabbed one of her hands as she was reaching for one of her garments. She looked up at me as I yanked the ear buds out of my ears with my free hand. I tried not to look as frustrated as I felt, but it was hard when I've missed being around her. She pulled her headphones down to settle around her neck. 

"Are you alright?" I asked as my eyes took in how much paler she had become since I last saw her. 

She removed her hand from under mine and stood up straight. "I'm doing just fine," she clipped out. 

I bit my bottom lip and stood tall. She was distancing herself and it hurt. I know that it’s my fault, but it still hurts. "I'm sorry," I whispered then shook my head knowing that this conversation is now over thanks to my inability to do anything right. 

I put my headphones back on and continued to sort out my clothes. Once I was done, I shoved the clothes into two of the washers behind me. I turned around and lifted myself onto the counter. I crossed my legs and pulled my phone out of my pocket to check my messages and then my email. There was nothing there so I pulled up my news app and began to go through the world news looking for any interesting current events. A light touch to my knee pulled me out of my mindlessness and I stared into her pained eyes. She was standing so close to me that her waist was pressing into my shins from where they sat on the edge of the counter. Her thumb caressed my knee cap and I found myself uncurling my legs and spreading them so she could step even closer. I pulled my headphones out of my ears then reached out and pulled her into me. I wrapped my arms securely around the middle of her back and held her as she pressed her forehead against my shoulder. Her body shook slightly and I let the guilt of having left her completely alone wash over me. I hadn't just taken my feelings out of the equation, I had taken away her friend. I had taken away the one thing she needed the most and it was someone she could talk to. 

Her tears began to slide down my bare shoulder as I had switched to a tank top myself once I had gotten home. I held her close to me knowing that saying anything at this point will only make her pull away from me then push me as far away from her as she can get me. How I know this will happen even though she's never done it to me before is simply because it'd be something I'd do if someone I had considered a close friend just abandoned me the way I did to her. I brought my hand up to the back of her neck and began to message it gently letting her know that I'm here for her right now in this moment. Letting her know that I'm not going to go anywhere right now. Letting her know that she has me.   
She cried against me for a while longer before her sobs finally began to subside and the shaking of her body finally began to calm down. It was once her body had settled and the sniffling had lessened that she moved her hands away from my knees and placed them on either side of me onto the counter securing me between her arms. She pulled away and I cupped her face in my hands brushing away the stray remnants of her tears with my thumbs. There was still pain in her eyes, but anger had finally found its way into them. 

"I haven't forgiven you," she stated vulnerably, but with full on conviction. 

"I don't need you to," I answered. I slid my fingers down along her jaw then settled them on top of hers. 

"You suck for leaving me alone for two weeks." 

I took in a deep breath bearing the full weight of my decision now that I've seen what it did to her. "I know."

A fragment of fear crossed her eyes before it disappeared as quickly as it had come. "I needed you," she said in a small and slightly broken voice. 

I looked away from her. "I know." What else can I say? I did leave her alone. 

She removed her hands from under mine. "Are you going to leave me again?" 

I stared at her. She had her arms crossed over her stomach as if trying to protect herself from me. I reached out and pressed my fingertips against her arm. "No," I said with all the sincerity I could muster. 

She held my gaze as disbelief, confusion, devastation, and finally hope flashed across her eyes. She moved a bit closer to where my hand could lay flat against her arm. "You better not," she warned. 

"I won't. I promise."

"I'll hold you to that." 

I nodded my head then pulled her closer so her waist pressed against the counter edge again. "What's wrong?" 

She stared at me weighing her decision to tell me or not for fear of me running away again. She looked away. "I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me for our entire relationship," she let out quickly. 

I froze. Alright yes avoiding Carmilla is the worst decision I have ever made especially if this is what she was dealing with. "Did you confront her?"

She shook her head. "The only reason why I know is because my mother left me the evidence."

"Why would she do that for you?" 

She shrugged. "Making amends before she dies." 

"You did see for yourself right?" I'm no stranger to how much Carmilla's mother doesn't like her girlfriend. 

"Yes." She squeezed her bicep hard digging her nails into her flesh. 

I tugged her arm slightly and waited for her to unfold her arms. I pulled her hands into mine and held them firmly in my grasp. "Why haven't you brought it up with your girlfriend?" 

She intertwined her fingers with mine as she collected her thoughts. "Because I don't want it to be true. I don't want my mother to have been right all along and for everything I had done to defend Ell to have been for nothing in the end." She looked at me with heartbroken eyes. "I don't want to lose her." Her eyes then hardened. "And I also don't want to give my mother the satisfaction of having won." 

"Is she really winning by telling you this?" 

She bit her bottom lip. "Yes."

"How?"

"Because this will be one more thing she was right about and I don't want to give her that satisfaction."

"So what are you going to do?" 

She sighed heavily. "Nothing." She gave me a weary look. "I'm not going to let my mother take this from me as well."

"Is that wise?" 

"It doesn't have to be."

I took in a steady breath. Who am I to question her decisions especially after letting her sit with this information for the past week with no one to discuss it with. She may have her brother, but there are things she will not discuss with him especially since he doesn't particularly like Ell either. It seems that no one likes Ell, especially me at this moment. Carmilla deserves the best and that's not Ell. She deserves someone who is going to love her and be there for her no matter what. Even I failed that second part. 

"Whatever you decide I'm right here." 

She nodded her head. "I hope so." 

I yanked her forward then wrapped my arms around the middle of her back. I'm not leaving her again.

* * *

**_Carmilla_ **

I'm a fool for how easily I allowed Laura to come back into my life. Normally I would push her away and keep her as far away as I can for the rest of my life, but she's a damn addiction that I don't see myself ever kicking. Its ridiculously on my part to think of her like that, but damn if it's not true. My body hasn't ever felt so run down and heavy since she walked away from me and began to ignore me. I haven't ever had to come up with ways to keep my hands busy because they were filled with so much energy that they wouldn't stop twitching or aching to touch her in some way this whole time. I even thought of going to see a doctor because of the erratic way my heart was beating. 

I had every intention to ignore her while we were doing laundry, but when she grabbed my hand I could think of nothing more than the wave of calm and recentering that surged through my body in that moment. I wanted to ignore how she could push me off balance at the same time that she can put me back in place with just one touch. It’s frightening to recognize that this woman is so damn essential to my ability to not lose my damn mind right now. Its maddening to think of how much I have let her seep into my skin and worm her way into my heart. It wasn't what I would have thought would happen that first night I saw her and we talked all those months ago, but now I can't seem to fathom a day without seeing her at least for a brief moment. It’s outrageous to think of her as being my center, but I can't seem to think of her as anything else that describes what she's become to me. 

I shouldn't feel this way. I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't feel like forgiving her full heartedly and allowing her back into my life as if her walking away from me when I needed her the most was no problem at all. I know I shouldn’t think of her that way when she's married and I have a girlfriend, a cheating one at that, but a girlfriend nonetheless. I shouldn't be dreaming of kissing her or holding her tight in my arms. I shouldn't find that the smell of cookies instantly has me thinking about her or that the smell of vanilla reminds me of her as something so right when she's not even mine to think about. I shouldn't be thinking about how I wish she would only ever smile at me or how perfectly her hand fits in mine. I shouldn't think about how her lips feel against my neck or how her skin feels beneath me. I shouldn't be thinking about her at all, but I'd be damned if I didn't. I'm a damned fool. 

I pulled my glasses off and tossed then on my desk then leaned back in my chair while rubbing my eyes. These emotions are complicated. 

"Well you look like shit."

I snapped my eyes open and looked at LaFontaine who was standing at my doorway with a smirk on their lips. "LaFontaine," I said curiously.

"Carmilla," they answered as they walked in and took the seat in front of my desk. 

"What can I do for you nerd?" 

They shrugged and looked around. "Nothing much. Just came to see how you were doing?" 

I narrowed my eyes at them. "Did Perry send you to check up on Elsie?" 

They smiled. "You know Perry."

I hummed. "I do." 

They stared into my eyes with smugness. "How's Laura?" 

I tilted my head to the side slightly. "It seems you already know the answer to that question, so why don't you tell me yourself."

They folded their hands on their lap. "Well it’s strange that she's gone from being down in the dumps for a two weeks to being all smiles for the last two days," they said beating around the bush. 

"Get to the point brainiac."

"What did you two do?"

"I'm sure she told you?" 

They shook their head and stared at me sadly. "She didn't tell me anything. She just said that you two started talking again and that she was happy."

I sighed. "I forgave her for turning her back on me."

"Nothing else?" 

"No."

They nodded their head. "So when are you two going to tell one another that you love each other?" They asked bluntly. 

My eyes widened in shock. "Wh-I--who...no, no, no, no, no. Who said anything about love?" I sputtered out. 

They smirked at me. "Well as long as you two don't do anything you're not supposed to I guess it’s alright to be in love with one another." 

"Again, who said anything about love?" 

They cocked their eyebrow up at me. "Are you seriously going to sit there and lie to me?" 

I cleared my throat. "I'm not in love with her. I like her, but that's it."

"Right and I'm a circus clown," they said sarcastically.

"Well you are a ginger," I fired back. 

They rolled their eyes. "The both of you are ridiculous."

"And you are pushing this way too hard," I pointed out. "You do remember that she's married and I'm in a relationship." With a cheating bitch, but I'm not going to advertise that to this geek even though they're a great friend to me. 

"I didn't suddenly go blind," they bit back. "I'm just making an observation."

"Then go observe something else."

"I wish I could, but you two are just so fascinating to watch."

I glared at them. "What do you want out of this?" 

"Who says I want anything?" They asked in mock innocence. 

"You don't pry into people's business unless there's something there for you, so what is it?" 

They shrugged. "I'm just trying to look out for two of my best friends."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I just want the both of you to be happy whether it’s with or without your current partners."

I sighed. "You know she's not going to give up on her marriage." 

"And yet you sound like you'd be willing to drop your relationship for her." 

I held my tongue. They got me there. "I'm no more willing than she is." But it would be nice to be chosen first for a change. 

They stared at me knowing that I was lying. "Whatever happens know that I am here for you." 

I ran my fingers through my hair slowly. "I know and I appreciate it." 

They nodded their head. "Well I'll tell Perry that Elsie is still breathing and JP hasn't gone missing."

I chuckled. "Please do. I don't want her thinking she's going to have to send out a search party for JP."

They smiled goofily. "Have a good day."

"You too."

They walked out of my office and not long after Elsie walked in and flopped down in the chair across from me. "What can I do for you?" 

She fidgeted then placed an envelope down on my desk. "I need you to open that for me," she said demandingly. 

I cocked an eyebrow up at her then grabbed the envelope. It was from Silas University. I opened the envelope then pulled out the letter inside. I nodded my head. "Congratulations. You've been accepted." I held the letter out to her. 

She stared at me with a detached look then reached over and grabbed the letter. She read it for herself then nodded. "Thanks." She gingerly placed the letter back in the envelope and smoothed it out onto her lap. "What's going on with you?" 

"Why do you ask?" 

"Because you've spent plenty of time sleeping on my couch instead of just popping in every day to make sure everything is alright. So spill."

I shook my head. "It’s none of your business." 

"It wouldn't have to deal with your girlfriend cheating on you would it?" 

My jaw dropped. "H-how do you know that?"  

She shrugged. "She wasn't wearing her bracelet when she came in for lunch the other day and I saw the soulmate tattoo on her wrist. She freaked out of course then quickly put it on." She lounged back in the chair.

I grit my teeth. "Yes well that's still none of your business."

"It is since she's a bitch and you deserve better."

"That's no way to speak about an adult," I chastised even though Ell does deserve to be called a bitch right now until I'm done being angry.

"Sue me," Elsie snapped. "You've done nothing to make her feel like she can two time you, soulmate or not. You deserve better." She sat up. "Want me to take care of her?" 

"No. I'll be fine."

"You sure? I know some people."

I sighed and picked my glasses back up. "I'm sure. Don't worry so much. Just focus on finishing up school and getting everything ready for Silas." 

She nodded her head and we both swung our eyes to the entrance when there was a knock at the door. JP stood there looking hesitant. "Hey someone named Laura is here to see you."

I looked at him curiously. "Send her in." 

Elsie stood up "I'm serious. If you need help I know some people."

"And what would these people do?" 

"Just give her a hard time." 

"I'm more worried that you know those types of people than you trying to solve my problem," I said teasingly. 

She rolled her eyes. "Sometimes you just need to know people in case of emergencies."

Laura came into view. "Yes well hopefully you never really need to use them ever again," I said to Elsie as I beckoned Laura into the room. 

"We'll see," she replied. She turned around seeing Laura there. 

There was an awkward silence between the two as I watched to see what would happen. Elsie's body tensed up momentarily before loosening up. Surprisingly she walked up to Laura and gave her a hesitant hug. Laura was slightly shocked, but recovered and hugged her back. 

"It’s been a while Elsie." 

"You're still so short," Elsie teased. 

"Yeah but I can still lift you." Laura got a firmer hold of Elsie before lifting her off her feet. 

"Put me down Buffy!" 

Laura laughed and set her down. "You got taller."

"It’s not hard to be taller than you." 

"Cheeky. Glad you haven't lost your snarkiness."

"It could be worse."

"I'm sure."

Elsie looked back to me. "How do you know this squirt?" 

"We're neighbors and she also did an article on me not that long ago," I answered. 

Elsie nodded her head. She shoved Laura playfully. "When did you get back?" 

"A few months ago, but I didn't think you would've still been here," Laura said trying to keep her tone light. 

Elsie bowed her head slightly. "Well I did leave a month or two after you left, but I was sent back."   
Laura reached out and poked Elsie in the side. Elsie jumped and started batting away at Laura's tickle attack. "Stop I'm not little anymore!" 

"Could have fooled me," Laura said amused. 

Elsie grinned then shook her head. "Why do I tolerate you?" 

"Because you know I'll just persistently bug you until you talk to me." 

Elsie rolled her eyes. "Yes apparently my snark and bad attitude doesn't seem to keep you away like it does with other people."

"Well you were mostly funny as a ten-year-old and then down right unbearable when you became a preteen and teenager."

"And yet you still were the only one who kept bugging me." 

"I'm stubborn," Laura admitted with a wide smile. She shoved Elsie. "Just say you missed me."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"Elsie..." Laura drawled. Elsie crossed her arms across her chest and grumbled. "Sorry couldn't hear you," Laura teased. 

Elsie glared at her. "Yes I missed you you annoying little hobbit." 

Laura threw her arms around Elsie and pulled her into a tight hug. "Missed you too little bear."

Elsie's eyes bulged out of her sockets. "I can't believe you remember that!" 

"Of course I do. I still have the picture on my phone."

Elsie hid her face in her hand. "Oh my god. No. Stop." 

Laura laughed. "One of the few times I was able to get you to smile." 

Elsie shook her head. "Please stop," she grumbled. 

Laura smiled. "Come to lunch with us?" she asked. 

"I don't want to intrude," Elsie responded. 

I looked at Laura. Clearly I forgot the memo that we were going to lunch. "Its fine Elsie. I'm sure you two would like to catch up." Plus I don't think I'd be able to be alone with Laura. 

Elsie looked between us. "You sure?" She asked. 

I nodded my head. "Yes. Now come on. I'm sure Laura doesn't have all day." 

Laura nodded her head. "Let's go!" She threw her fist in the air then turned and marched us out as if she was leading a revolution. 

We arrived at a diner nearby and settled in to eat our food. I mostly watched Laura and Elsie interact with one another and can honestly say I have never seen Elsie this carefree before. Whatever bond they had formed when Elsie was younger was still strong to this day. It really made me appreciate Laura even more and see more of the type of woman she is which is a big red flag. I should be pulling away, but its moments like these that make being as near to her as possible worth it. Someday I'll be able to let her go especially if she's working things out with her wife, but until then I will just enjoy what I can get.

 

 


	13. Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to really get into the last scene you lot can always listen to the song I used called Fight the Fire by Andy Moor ft. Sure Mclaren. Enjoy ;)

**_Carmilla_ **

I stared at Laura pacing outside as I dipped my fries into ketchup before placing them in my mouth to chew. We've been having lunch together for the past two weeks and it has gotten a lot easier to be alone with her. I thought it would be impossible, but thankfully the fact that we are in public has put a stop to my aching need to always be touching her in some way either just our shoulders pressing together or having my arms wrapped around her. It’s been nice being able to spend so much time with her like this, but it also makes my heart squeeze at the thought that if things were different these lunches would be more like dates and I could possibly be holding her hand or kissing her whenever I felt like it because we would be a couple.

I shook my head. Thoughts better placed at the back of my mind. Even if there was a chance that she would leave her wife for whatever reason, that doesn't mean she would choose me. That doesn't mean she would stay in this city. 

I glanced out the window and saw her run her fingers frustrated through her hair then shake her head before finally hanging up the phone. She pivoted then turned to come back into the diner. It wasn't long until she was flopping back down into her seat then stabbing her fries into ketchup. 

"Everything alright?" I asked curiously. 

"Just peachy," she mumbled. 

I lifted my eyebrow up at her questioningly. "You sure?" 

She stabbed more fries into her ketchup then angrily chewed on them. "My wife called to try to convince me to let her buy another class set of books because she forgot to write it in her syllabus," she scoffed. 

"What book is it?"   
"Paradise Lost. She said she forgot to add it in for the end of the semester and didn't notice until a student pointed out she was missing a month’s worth of course work." 

"I'll give her a discount at my store," I said nonchalantly. 

Her eyes widened. "Are you serious?" 

I shrugged. "Yeah."

She sat back in her chair and worried her bottom lip a bit. "You don't have to you know."

I stared at her concerned face. "Its fine Laura."

She leaned forward and began to pick at her fries. "Thank you. I know you're not just doing it for me, so thank you."

I tilted my head to the side. "Of course I'm doing it for you," I admitted. 

She stared at me curiously for a moment. "I'll message her and let her know that you offered." 

I nodded my head letting the awkward moment drift away before I say something I will regret. "What do you have planned for the rest of the day?" 

She shrugged. "I'm actually free for the rest of the day."

I reached over with my napkin and wiped the ketchup off the side of her mouth. "Well that's good. You can finally get some rest."

She reached over and grabbed one of my fries since she finished hers. "There's no such thing as rest for the wicked," she said with a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

"I think I'd believe that more if you actually were wicked." 

She smirked. "Very true."

I leaned back in my seat. "Now I'm curious."

"About?"

"About what could make you wicked."

She smiled innocently. "I thought we established that I wasn't wicked."

"Yes, but that little smirk you gave me tells me that there is something about you that I don't know about."

"Maybe," she said simply before taking a huge bite of her burger. 

I clicked my tongue against my teeth and stared at her as her face slowly turned into smugness. "Oh I'm going to have to ask LaFontaine about you," I said. 

She covered her mouth as she fought against laughing with a full mouth. "Please LaF would never tell you anything."

I quirked my eyebrow up at her. "You sure about that?" 

She bounced her head side to side. "True. They'd tell you just to embarrass me."

I smirked. "Exactly." 

She smiled and leaned forward. "Well I may not be wicked per say, but I am not as innocent as you may think," she winked. Oh god is she flirting with me? 

I hummed as I leaned forward. "Well I can guess that you are no saint for sure, but just how far on the wild side are you?" I said allowing my voice to drop a tad bit. 

Her eyes became playful. "I'm sure a night out would show you just how far on the wild side I am...well at least as much as one can show in one night," she said as her own voice dropped suggestively. 

"I think I would like to see that very much," my eyes traveled down to her lips and she licked them slowly. "Tonight?" I lazily dragged my eyes back up to meet hers. 

Her eyes had glazed over as I saw they were zeroed in on mine. I bit my bottom lip purposefully. She seemed to shake herself from her daze as she met my gaze. "Tonight works," she responded sounding a bit huskier than she meant to. 

I pulled back just noticing that we were leaning towards one another. "Then tonight at 10."

She nodded her head as she reached for her grape soda. "Sounds like a plan."

I swirled my finger around the rim of my glass. "You can bring your wife if you want," I said in true typical sabotaging fashion. 

She looked as if someone dumped cold water on her. She cleared her throat. "Right. Is Ell going to be going...I mean you two still are together right?"

I sighed and gazed down at the table. "Yes we are. She's been 'busy' lately, so we haven't spent much time together." 

She nodded her head. "She hasn't noticed you pulling away?"

I shrugged. "She's hardly ever home to notice nowadays."

"Right." She leaned back. 

"She's spending more and more time at the bar lately, so its whatever." 

She nodded her head slightly. She looked away to stare outside for a long moment. "What are your plans for today?" She turned to meet my eyes then leaned her cheek into the palm of her hand. 

I let out a low breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Nothing today. I decide to close the store today and give JP and Elsie a day off to get their school suplies." 

She gave me a small smile. "You're too nice." 

"Am not."

"You are too."

"Am not."

"Yes you are."

"Nope."

She smiled wider. "You are and that's final."

I narrowed my eyes at her then shrugged. "Whatever." 

She giggled. "We should go to the arcade."

I quirked my eyebrow up at her. "Seriously?" 

She smiled even brighter. "Yes."

"And why would I go to the arcade with you?" 

"Because that's where I want to go," she answered honestly with a gleam in her eye.

She damn well knows I'll go anywhere with her. "We're not little kids anymore Laura," I teased. 

She shrugged. "So what?" 

I shook my head slightly. "We'll be the oldest ones there." 

She rolled her eyes. "They have one for adults you know." 

I leaned my chin into the palm of my hand. "True." I ran my finger along the rim of my glass pretending to think about it. She shifted nervously. I smirked slightly. "Alright." 

She grinned and started to bounce a bit in her seat from excitement. "Let's go then!"

 

 

 

 

 

I kept shooting the ball into the net as time ticked down. I glanced over at Laura and saw that she was beating me by five points. I narrowed my eyes at her then threw my arm out to block her next shot then tossed mine one handed. She hip checked me as I blocked another one of her shots. I bumped my hip against hers so she could miss again and she growled at me before trying to reach around me to block my shot. I kept her at arm’s length and got another basket in followed by three more as she abandoned her own game and focused on trying to block my shots. Suddenly she jumped on my back throwing me off balance and I reached back to hook my arm under her butt to keep her from falling backward. 

"You cheater!" I laughed. 

"Takes one to know one," she replied. The buzzer on the game went off and Laura still ended up winning by one point. She tightened her legs around my waist as she threw her arms up in the air. "I win!" 

"Yeah yeah. Don't gloat," I said sourly. 

She wrapped her arms around my neck as I bent down slightly to grab our tickets. "Well it just proves that you are not good at everything," she countered. 

I rolled my eyes. "Let's just see about that." I carried her over to the bumper cars.

We snapped the little seat belts in place and playfully glared at one another from across the bumper cars area. Once everyone was seated they started the cars up and set us all loose on each other. I bumped into a few people until I finally met up with Laura in the middle where we bumped into each other at the same time. Going toward the middle was a bad idea once everyone saw us there. The people around us bumped into us and kept us from moving. Laura threw her head back and laughed as I glared at everyone around us while fighting my smile. We began to do our best to bump the other people back while still being stuck in the middle. 

After our turn on the bumper cars ended, she grabbed my hand and entwined our fingers. She pulled me over to the skee ball machine. I looked down at our joined hands and it hit me. 

I will follow her no matter where she goes or where she pulls me to. I will follow her because wherever she is is where I want to be.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I walked into my apartment still smiling from the day I spent with Carmilla. It was one of those rare good days where everything just feels as if everything is just where it needs to be. It’s actually a bit terrifying, but it feels so good all at the same time. I would do anything to keep Carmilla smiling and laughing the way she was today. Plus, it felt right having her in my arms or jumping on her back at random moments to have her carry me around the arcade and to the car. It’s like her body was just made to fit mine perfectly which makes staying away from her extremely difficult because I like the feeling of completeness. I like the way that I feel whole whenever we are together and it is very different from how I felt and still feel with Danny. I know Danny completes me in some way, but it’s just entirely different when I'm with Carmilla. Everything is different when I am with her. 

"Hey Laura," Danny called cheerily. 

"Hey," I answered slightly shocked that she was home. 

"How was your day?" She came over and pulled me into a hug. 

I awkwardly hugged her back. "It was good. I had lunch and went for a walk," I half lied. 

"That's good. You deserve a break every once in a while." 

"Yeah. I should take a break more often." 

She smiled and grabbed my hand then began to pull me over to the couch. "Well I don't have a lot of work to do today so I thought we could watch a movie or something?" 

"That would be nice." 

"Great. Pick something out while I get the popcorn." 

I plopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote. I bit my bottom lip as I began to scroll through Netflix for movies. "Danny?" She hummed in response. "So...Carmilla invited us both to go dancing tonight." 

"Oh...she did?" 

"Yeah." I looked over to the kitchen seeing her shoulders stiffen. "Is there a problem?" 

"No. Of course not." 

I tilted my head to the side. "You know I can tell when you're lying right?" 

She lifted her head to look at me. "It’s just odd is all."

"What's odd about it?" 

She grabbed the popcorn out of the microwave and opened it up. "Well you two are barely even friends, so it's just a little odd." 

"She lives in the apartment across the way from us on the fire escape," I clarified. 

She paused pouring the popcorn. "I didn't know that." 

"You would if we talked more," I pointed out. 

She stayed frozen for a moment longer. "How long have you two been talking to one another?" 

"Since before my article." I shrugged to make it seem like it was no big deal. "It’s the only reason why she allowed me to write the article in the first place, but we didn't really become friends until after the article," I half lied. 

She tossed the empty bag of popcorn away. "Ok. Well I actually have to help LaFontaine out tonight." 

"With what?" 

"Reading their dissertation. They have it half way done, so they want me to go through it and look for any errors and what not." She settled down onto the couch. 

"That sounds boring."

She smiled. "Believe me it is especially since I'm going to have to have a dictionary pulled up for all of the science terminology." 

I nodded my head. "I don't envy you." 

She laughed. "Yeah I don't envy myself either." She pulled the bowl of popcorn onto her lap and pulled me against her side. "I'll go next time with you alright?" 

I cuddled into her side and grabbed some popcorn into my hand. "Alright." 

 

 

 

 

 

So maybe this is the most ridiculous idea I have ever had. What made me think that I would be able to go to a club with Carmilla alone just the two of us? Oh right the side of my brain that keeps thinking that we can do the whole platonic friendship thing. Where is that part of my brain right now anyway because the thoughts I am having are so not platonic right now. 

I looked Carmilla up and down slowly taking in every inch of her outfit. She had her usual black combat boots on with her black leather pants, a black corset that left the lower half of her very delicious stomach exposed, a black suit coat with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows, and her curls cascading down around her shoulders. Breath taking is all I can say right now It is completely unfair for someone to look as sexy as she does. 

"Wow," I said for lack of a better response. 

Her mouth tilted up into her signature smirk. "You're not too bad yourself cutie," she said in a tone much too husky for two friends going out for the night. 

I gulped and took in my own outfit really quick. A black leather skirt and a burgundy fall off the shoulders shirt with the sleeves ending at my elbows, black tights, and my black boots. "Thanks." 

She tilted her head slightly and I could feel the heat of her gaze taking in every bit of me. "You're welcome." Our cab pulled up next to us and she opened the door. "Shall we?" I nodded my head since words were failing me right now. I ducked into the cab and she followed after me. 

"Where are we going?" I asked while trying to ignore how close we were to each other. 

"A club I own called the Underground." 

"You own a club?" I asked incredulously. 

"Someone didn't do their full research when they googled me." 

I fidgeted with my fingers. "Yes well I didn't want to dig too much into your life. I wanted you to tell me more when you were ready," I admitted. 

Her hand covered my own and squeezed gently. "Its fine. It hasn't come up in our conversations either, so it’s not like you would know unless you wanted to Google every single little thing about me." 

I smiled and looked up at her. "I could always do that so I won't be surprised anymore," I joked. 

She shook her head slightly. "Now where would my air of mystery go if you did that?" 

I leaned back and stared at her more confidently. "I think your air of mystery went out the window a long time ago when you admitted that you like to sometimes wear footie pajamas when you're sick." 

She blushed deeply at that. "I will deny it until the day I die." 

I smiled smugly. "Or how you like Sailor Moon and had a crush on the pink Power Ranger as well as how you sometimes hum when you think no one is paying attention." 

Her blush got even deeper. "Alright fine you want to play it that way." She gave me a devilish smirk. "How about how you used to reenact scenes from Buffy all the time in your theater club in high school, how you had to cut your hair extremely short because you and your friend thought that chewing gum and putting it in your hair was the best way to see what color would look good on you if you were to die it, and the best one being how you recited poetry outside of your crushes window to get her to like you only it was the wrong window and you had to deal with her brother following you around for weeks before he got the hint." 

"Oh my god!" I pressed my forehead against her shoulder in hopes of hiding the deep blush that I know was coloring my face and possibly even my ears. She laughed heartily. "Shut up. I can't believe you remember that story about my crush." 

She kept laughing and her shoulder shook from the exertion. "It’s impossible to forget especially since your crush tried to set you up with her brother because she didn't get that you liked her and not her brother." 

I groaned. "Oh my god. Please stop." 

She shook with more laughter. "Do you like animal crackers?" She asked trying to match my impersonation of what my crush had asked me on behalf of her brother because he was trying to figure out what to get me for Valentine’s Day. 

I smacked her playfully. "Shut up. Like you're any better. I remember a certain someone trying to learn horseback riding to impress some girl and instead ended up falling off the horse into a big pile of horse poo." 

Her laughter stopped as she side eyed me. "Says the person who joined the debate team because her crush said she was going to join but didn't and got stuck having to participate for the whole year." 

"Hey I ended up liking the debate team," I defended. 

"That's only because you love to argue," she countered. 

I shrugged. "I can't even lie. I really do," I laughed. 

She smiled brightly. "You still owe me your number one most embarrassing moment." 

"If I remember correctly then so do you." 

"Cuties first." 

"Hmm...nope. Not gonna tell you," I said trying to hold back my smile. 

"Well if you're not sharing than neither am I," she responded with a playful smirk. 

I pretended to think about it deeply. "Then I guess I'll have to live with that mystery," I gave her a sly smile and she gave me one in return. 

"You're something else cupcake." 

I laughed and kissed her cheek. "So you say." 

 

 

 

 

 

She kept a firm hold on my hand as she weaved us through the huge crowd of people in the club to the bar. It was a two story club with the dance floor on the first floor and a lounge area on the second floor. There were some tables scattered around the dance floor, but they looked to mostly be used for people to place their drinks down on or grab a quick drink before hitting the dance floor again. The music blared loudly and made me wonder how I didn't hear it until after the door was opened to let us in because it really is disorienting for the first few minutes. Then again it makes sense because I've heard how loudly Carmilla listens to her music when she has her headphones on. It only makes sense to have a club model after her own need for blaring music to drown out everything on the outside. It was her way of being free from everything and everyone and to just have one moment of peace where no one wants anything from her and expectations can be forgotten. 

She stopped at the bar and waved down the bartender who put everyone else on hold to come to her. "Hey boss haven't seen you in a while," he said as he leaned over to talk to her over the music. 

"Haven't had time and a reason to come by recently," she answered. 

He nodded his understanding. "What can I get you two?" He asked after glancing at me briefly. 

"A couple of shots of tequila for starters then a whiskey on the rocks for me and whatever she wants," she said pointing to me.

"An AMF would be fine," I called out. He nodded his head then disappeared for a moment to grab our drinks. 

I looked around noticing that the club seemed to be a bit darker in lighting than other clubs usually are, but that there where fairy lights lining the walls to give it more of an ethereal feel to it. There were some regular lights, but they were dimmed down as well. The only strong lighting inside came from the bright red exit and bathroom signs and the laser lights coming from the stage where the DJ played. I was bumped from behind since I wasn't paying attention and Carmilla's arm instinctively wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to her tucking me loosely against her side. She let her arm drop from around my waist, but we were close enough for her shoulder to press firmly against mine. I smiled to myself. Unlike Danny, Carmilla fully understands that I can take care of myself so she knows she doesn't have to fuss over me being alright. She'll help like she just did right now, but she'll let me handle myself.   
The bartender placed six shots and our two drinks in front of us. Carmilla handed me a shot then raised hers. "To a good night!" She shouted. 

"And an even better tomorrow!" I answered.

We clinked our glasses together then downed our shots. We sucked on the lime slices then quickly threw back the next two shots before enjoying our drinks. 

We sat at the bar and talked about what was new about our jobs for a bit before sharing some more stories about our childhoods and college days. If I didn't know Carmilla as well as I do now I wouldn't believe half the things she said especially about all the times she wrote poetry or drew pictures for her exes to show how much she was in love with them. I also wouldn't believe how goofy and nerdy she could be if I didn't know she was a secret Star Wars fan who actually hid a lightsaber in her closet that she brought out sometimes to reenact fight scenes whenever she was in a playful mood. I noticed she hides these sides of herself from others because she doesn't trust people with anything to do with her personal life and who she really is. She hides behind her mask and I'm thankful every day to be so lucky as to have been allowed to see everything behind the mask and more. 

She grabbed my hand after what seemed like our hundredth drink. "Come on!" She shouted then pulled me to the dance floor. 

I followed her and let her drag me to the center of the dance floor. The music was even louder and more intoxicating and just took up all my senses. I watched Carmilla close her eyes and lift her hands above her head as her body moved along with the pulsing beat of the music. The air left my lungs completely watching this perfect woman transform into a goddess as she seemed to embody the music as if it was a second skin. She was bewitching and a quick glance at the people around us let me know that everyone was falling victim to just how ridiculously captivating she was. 

She opened her eyes slowly directing a hazy look over to me. She let one of her hands fall from above her head then held her hand out beckoning me to her with her finger. I gulped and moved closer to her. I'm normally confidant about my dancing abilities, but Carmilla was making that confidence go out the window. She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned in to whisper in my ear. 

"Relax creampuff. Let yourself go." 

I sighed and nodded my head. She pulled away putting space between us, but grabbed my hands and started to shake my arms to try to get me to dance. I rolled my eyes and laughed. I tightened my grip on her hands and started to dance letting the music wash over me. 

The alcohol was finally letting its presence known and I let go of her hands getting more and more caught up in the music and with dancing with her. At some point my body pressed against hers as we danced and I couldn't stop my hands from roaming her body. After a while I slid my hands up her sides then began to slide her coat off. She let it fall off her shoulders then pulled it off handing it to a passing waitress and whispering in her ear before the waitress nodded and continued on her way through the dance floor. My hands trailed down her bare arms to her hands feeling how hot her skin was. I turned around pressing my back to her front then pulled her arms around my waist. I hooked an arm around her neck and let the other one rest over hers holding me tight against her. 

She pulled me even closer to her and I could feel her burning breath against my shoulder as a new song came on. I tipped my head back against her shoulder and gripped the back of her neck tugging her forward until I felt the brush of her lips against my skin. I bit my lip and squeezed her arm. It was all the permission she needed before her lips pressed firmly against my shoulder in a kiss. Her lips traveled up my shoulder to the base of my neck then achingly slow up my neck to behind my ear. I took in a sharp breath and lightly dug my nails into her neck which caused her to purr into my ear. I want to kiss her. I slid my fingers into her hair tangling them in her curls before turning my head and capturing her lips into a searing kiss. 

Her arms tightened around my waist as she kissed me fervently. She bit my bottom lip then swiped her scorching hot tongue against it to sooth the slight pain before pulling it between her lips for a hungry kiss. I eagerly opened my mouth to her and moaned at the feeling of her tongue finally gliding against my own. It was all so perfect and breath taking finally tasting her, finally having her, that it all came crashing down like an avalanche when one of her hands slid under my shirt and pressed against my stomach. I wasn't as drunk as I was at the beginning, but this just sobered me up the rest of the way realizing the mistake I just made as I pulled away to stand facing her. 

I stared at her with wide eyes realizing fully what I had just done and covered my mouth with my hand and wrapping my arm around my stomach protectively. She gave me a panicked look in return and tried to reach out for me. I took a step back. Then another. And another. Then I turned and took off. 

"LAURA!" She shouted. 

What did I just do?

"LAURA!" 

I can't believe this. How could I be so stupid?

"LAURA!" 

I escaped between a group of people and darted out of the club. 

I'm such an idiot.

 

 

 


	14. Answers and Memories

**_Carmilla_ **

I walked up to Will's door and banged my fist against it. I began to pace back and forth in front of it while waiting for him to come to the door. After a few minutes I banged on his door harder. There was a thump from the other side of the door and a curse following it. 

"What the hell?!" He called as he came closer to the door. 

"Open up!" I yelled back. 

The door opened a crack. "It’s three in the morning what the hell?" 

"I need to talk to you," I said urgently. 

"You smell like tequila."

"Thanks. Now are you going to let me in or not."

He rolled his eyes then opened the door to let me in. "What do you want you drunk?" He closed and locked the door. 

"I kissed Laura," I blurted out. 

He froze. "What?!" 

I walked over to his couch and threw myself down on top of it. "What have I done?" 

"Hold on. Repeat that first part for me." He came over and sat on the coffee table in front of me. 

I sighed and leaned back. "I kissed Laura tonight." 

"How did that happen?" 

I began to tap my foot nervously. "We were dancing and then at some point she was pulling me into her and I started to kiss her shoulder which then turned into me kissing up her neck which then led to me kissing her and oh my god did she taste so good. Like I have been thinking about kissing her for a while now and wondering what it would feel like and how she would taste. It was better than I could ever imagine," I rambled. 

"Congrats then," he said happily. 

I bolted up and moved away from the couch to start pacing. "You don't understand it was good, but it was bad. Like it was perfect, but things are shit now." 

"Slow down and make sense." 

I waved my hand dismissively. "She's married and we kissed and she has given me no signs that she would willingly leave her wife like for god’s sake she kissed me and she's married. She's married and she still kissed me as if I was the only one in her entire world. What the hell am I going to do?" 

"So she kissed you back?" 

"Yes have you not been listening?" I stopped pacing. "I can't be the reason behind breaking up a marriage." 

He sighed. "Carmilla she kissed you back. It’s not only your problem. Its hers as well because she's married and she kissed you back." 

I ran my fingers through my hair. "What do I do?" 

"I don't know, but pretending that it never happened is a definite no and you can't let her pretend it didn't happen either. You've done enough pretending."

I shook my head. "How did this happen?" I turned and leaned against the back of the couch. 

I heard the groaning of the coffee table then felt him next to me. "I don't know. I just know that you two have something and have had it for a while now if you're finally going to be honest about it."

I stared down at the floor. "Do you really think she's going to pretend it didn't happen?" 

"If I were marry and I kissed someone else then yeah I would pretend it never happened especially if that someone else is someone I claim to be 'just a friend'," he said with air quotes.

I winced. "We haven't been just friends for a while."

"Tell me about it. You two are ridiculous. I could just feel the chemistry seeping off the two of you." 

I looked up to stare out his glass balcony doors. "I've never felt this way before." 

"You deserve to."

"Yeah, but it still doesn't change the fact that she's married and she's most likely going to choose her wife in the end."

"She'd be an idiot if she did, but you're going to have to think about whether or not it would be worth it to stay in her life if she does choose her wife in the end." 

I shook my head. "I wouldn't be able to. Not now. I know what it feels like to kiss her and to hold her in my arms in that way, so it'll only drive me crazy to not be with her at this point."

"Are you going to tell Ell?" 

I tried to hold back my laugh. "I'm actually going to break up with her after I get some answers." 

"What do you mean?" 

I couldn't help but laugh at my own stupidity. "She's been cheating on me for our entire relationship." 

"The fuck?" 

I clutched the couch tightly and couldn't stop laughing. "Yeah and you know who told me?" 

"Carmilla..." Will said worriedly. 

"Mother!" I shook my head as I felt tears escape the corners of my eyes. "She just came over and dropped an envelope of two years of evidence. She knew for two years which means she was going to use it for blackmail or some other bullshit." I jumped onto my feet. "I don't know who to be pissed off at more. Mother, Ell, or myself for being so fucking stupid and blind."

"Carmilla..." Will said soothingly. 

"God how could I be so fucking blind? I should have known. I should have known and gotten rid of her a long time ago." 

Will sighed heavily. "You can't be mad at yourself like this. What happened has happened and what you do next is worth more than what you haven't done."

I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. "Things are such a mess." 

"They are, but it’s up to you to fix what you can because it’s not just your mess to deal with." 

I lowered my head and rubbed my neck. "You're right." I turned to look at him. "You're getting smarter. How's that possible?" I joked.

He shrugged. "Considering we're basically going to be parents to our younger sister it kinda has to happen." 

I smiled. "I suppose." 

He got up then wrapped his arm around my shoulders before pressing a kiss to my temple. "I've got your back no matter what happens. You just need to do what you can and I will be here with the beer and tub of rocky road ice cream." 

I leaned into his side and put my head on his shoulder. "Thanks. I'll need it." 

"Anytime." He rubbed my shoulder then pulled me tighter against him. "You want to stay the night?" 

I wrapped an arm around his waist. "That would be great, but don’t go yet."

"Whenever you're ready." 

I sighed and closed my eyes. Ready or not I have to do what I have to do.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I paced outside the apartment complex and waited for LaFontaine to come down. I looked at my watch and saw that it was nearing three in the morning. I sighed and shoved my fingers in my hair and scratched my scalp. I closed my eyes. I can still feel her lips on my own and I can still taste her on my tongue. I can still feel the heat of her body pressed against my back and her strong arm around my waist. My neck still burned from the kisses she left there and it all was driving me insane. I'm losing my mind and it’s because of her and it’s not just from this night alone. 

Everything about her is swimming through my head and as much as I try to not think about it I can't stop it. I've fallen in love with her and I can't stop it. I don't think I even want to, but I know I have to. I'm married. I'm married. I'm married. 

"Laura?" I opened my eyes to see LaFontaine standing there with a sweater on and in their pajamas. 

I felt the tears pool in my eyes then threw myself at them for a hug. "I'm such an idiot," I cried. 

They wrapped their arms around me tightly. "What's wrong?" 

"I'm married," I choked out then pressed my head to their shoulder. "I'm married and I kissed Carmilla," I confessed. 

They hugged me even tighter. "Oh Laura," they said soothingly. "Just breathe and take a minute alright." 

I nodded my head and hugged them tightly. I cried into their shoulder all of the guilt that had built up since leaving the club. How did I let things get to this point? How did I let it go so far tonight? Why does Carmilla have such a damn hold on me? 

I pulled away and wiped my eyes. I wrapped my arms around my stomach protectively. "We kissed." 

"Yeah." 

"And it was the best damn thing to happen to me." 

"But..."

"But I'm married and I'm not supposed to be falling for another woman!" 

"But you already have." 

I touched my hand to my forehead and nodded my head. "What am I supposed to do?"  

They sighed. "What do you want to do?" 

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

They shook their head. "You do know you just don't want to say it." 

I wiped away more tears and stared at them. "I can't do that. I took vows LaFontaine." 

"And what good are they if you're not happy anymore?" 

"I can't." 

"You can't or you just don't want to because loving Carmilla scares you?" They challenged. 

I pressed my thumb to my lips and Carmilla came to my mind once more. I swiped my thumb along my bottom lip. "This shouldn't be happening." 

"But it is and has been for a while now if you want to be completely honest." 

I nodded my head and dropped my hand onto my bicep. "So what do I do?" 

They sighed again. "You have to make a choice Laura. You're already in love with her and you don't love Danny." 

"I do love Danny!" 

"Not the way you love Carmilla," they stated simply. I stared at them and they scratched the back of their neck. "Look I have never seen you this way with anyone before, not even Danny and it bothers me to know that you can be so happy with someone, so comfortable with them yet you want to stay in a marriage you don't even have love for anymore." They stared at me sadly. "It’s alright to choose to be happy. It’s alright to be selfish for once in your life. You always give and give to others, but you don't ever do anything for yourself." They placed their hands on my shoulders. "You could be happy and loved far beyond what you could have ever imagined, but you need to not let the commitment to marriage or your own guilt or fear to stop you. You deserve much more than what you have and you can have that with Carmilla." 

I looked down at my feet and felt a new wave of tears begin to slide down my cheeks. "She chose her girlfriend though." 

"She would choose you if you told her how you feel." 

"How are you sure?" 

"Because I've seen the way she looks at you. There's no denying that she's fallen in love with you too."

I leaned forward pressing my forehead to their shoulder. "I am scared." 

"I know, but it’s alright." They rubbed my arms. 

"What if it doesn't work out and I ruined my marriage for nothing?" 

"Taking a chance on something is never for nothing. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. You can't be afraid to try. You may have known Danny for longer, but she doesn't make you feel as much as Carmilla."

"LaFontaine..." 

"I know. Maybe's are scary and so are emotions, but you don't have to deal with them alone."

"If it doesn't work out what do I do?" 

"You do what you have always done. You be Laura Hollis. Stubborn, righteous, compassionate, and strong. You be you and love will come to you." They lifted my chin up with their fingers. "But from what I've seen, I doubt things won't work out."

I nodded my agreeance. "I need time." 

"You do what you have to. Just know I'll support you no matter what." 

"Thank you." 

"Anytime." They pulled me into a hug. "Do you want to spend the night?" 

"That would be great." 

"Come on then." They reached their hand out and I took it. They led me up to their apartment then situated me on the couch. They then went back to their room to lay down with Perry and let her know I was staying the night and to not freak out in the morning. 

I touched my fingers to my lips again. I have always stood by my commitments, but is it worth it now? Can I stay married to Danny when I don't love her like I should? Can I be selfish? I turned over into my side and pulled the blanket up to my shoulder. I definitely need to think about this because it’s not just my life I would be taking a chance with. 

* * *

**_Carmilla_ **

I walked into the bar and went straight to the bartender who has been sleeping with my girlfriend for the entirety of our relationship. She glanced up at me and began to clean the glass in her hand a bit more nervously than before. I pulled out the stool and sat right in front of her. She put down the glass and tightly clutched the drying cloth in her hand. She stood a bit more rigid as she stared at me. 

"Ell will be back out in a bit," she said.

"Thanks." I folded my hands on the bar and stared at her more curiously. "What's your name?" 

"Ryan." She placed the drying cloth down. 

"Tell me Ryan, when was Ell ever going to tell me that you two were sleeping together and that you’re soulmates?" 

Her face instantly paled. "W-wh-what do you mean?" She stammered.

"Don't try to play dumb. It’s insulting." 

She began to look like she might vomit. "Sorry. I-I...you see...I...uh..." She stared down at the bar top to calm herself. She took a deep breath to center herself then let it out slowly. "I don't know. As far as I knew she said you two were done until you came into the bar a few months back. We argued and then she told me that you two were done a month after." She looked up and I could see the truth in her eyes. "I believed her, so I don't know."

I nodded my head. "So we both got played nicely then." 

She stood up and rubbed a spot behind her ear. "Yeah. I guess we did." 

I nodded my head and rapped my knuckles against the bar. "What will you do?" 

She pulled out two shot glasses and a bottle of tequila. "What can I do? She's my soulmate and she makes me the happiest person in the world, but obviously I can't fucking trust her." She poured the tequila then handed me a shot. 

"That's true." I held my shot glass up. "Good luck," I told her. 

"Good luck." She clinked her glass against mine and we both downed our shots. 

"Did she ever tell you why she was still with me?" 

She shook her head as she poured another round. "Honestly right now I can't understand her at all. I thought I was going to marry her next year, but obviously that's not going to happen." 

"Marriage?" 

She nodded her head as we both knocked down our drinks. "I proposed last week which now I'm seeing was the biggest fucking mistake of my life." 

I chuckled. "Wow." I nodded my head. "I wonder where she's hiding that damn ring because I haven't seen it." 

"Funny because she has it on all the time when we're together." 

I shook my head. "I'm starting to think she deserves a fucking Oscar because she's good." 

She nodded her head and handed me another shot. "Yeah well I don't know where she'll keep it because I'm kicking her out of my apartment. Soulmate or not. In love or not. She's a cheater and I'm not living with a cheater. She'll have to do a hell of a lot to prove that she's worth it." 

"Again, good luck." 

She nodded her head and the doors to the back opened. Ell stepped out and her eyes widened comically as she took us both in. Ryan stared at me and tapped the tequila bottle. "Good luck getting answers." She grabbed the bottle and shot glasses then walked away. She pushed pass Ell and shook her head.   
Ell gulped as she was rooted to her spot. I stared at her and leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand.

"Are you going to join me or stand there all night?" I asked gesturing to the spot right in front of me where Ryan was just standing. She started playing with her fingers then came to stand in front of me. I watched her then saw the ring on her finger. "So that's the engagement ring I just heard about. It’s nice." 

She stopped and touched her engagement ring. She gulped again then slid her hands in her back pockets. "Carmilla I-"

"Save it," I cut in. She stared at me frightened. "Just tell me why." 

She leaned back against the counter behind her that held a few bottles of flavored Vodka. "How long have you known?" 

"That's not an answer." 

"Is this why you've been avoiding me?" 

I slapped the bar top causing her to jump. "Don't you dare fucking try to turn this around or avoid the subject. Now tell me why you fucking did it."

She looked around her bar to the customers still there eating. She stepped forward and put her hands on the bar top. "I love you. I love you and I didn't want to let you go, but also the plan was to marry you because I needed access to your money in order to start my own chain of restaurants and bars."

"You never once showed any interest in my money. Never once asked me for money, so why?" 

"Because you don't know what it’s like to have to work to live. I have to work every day for my money while you're fine with or without your book shop. I want to be fine too and enjoy living, but I changed my mind a long time ago about getting that from you." 

I shook my head in disbelief. "So all this for a shared bank account? I would have given you the money to start your chain. All you had to do was ask." 

"But I wanted more than that. I wanted everything. I wanted to not have to want for anything."

"Is that all?" 

"No.” She took a deep breath then sighed. “Your mother was helping me. She wanted to make sure I married you and that you never served me with a prenup so that I could get a piece of your company in the divorce and I could sell her that piece." 

I knocked on the bar top then slammed my fist on it. "What the fuck?!" She jumped back. I looked around seeing everyone's eyes on me. I ran my fingers through my hair then rubbed my neck. "I don't want to ever see you again and you need to get your shit out of my apartment." She nodded her head. I stared at her ring. "And get yourself together. You have a soulmate and you're on the fast track to losing her as well." 

She covered her ring. "I do love you and that wasn't a part of the plan." 

"Sounds like a personal problem to me." I slid off the stool then leaned on the bar top. "Don't forget to get your stuff and leave your key." 

"I'm sorry."

"Are you saying that because you mean it or because you feel like you have to say it?" 

"I do mean it," she said meeting my gaze. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I wish I could do things differently. I wish I didn't enter a deal with your mother and I wish you didn't have to find out this way. I had told your mother that I was backing out of our deal because I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't lie to you anymore. I fell in love with you and you deserved better. I fought with myself for so long and thought that I could keep both you and Ryan because you both make me happy and for a while it was good, but Ryan is my soulmate and I chose her because she's more than just that to me."

"How long ago did you back out of my mother's plan?" 

"Like a month or two before the neighbors across the way from us moved in."

"Why did you want me to have a relationship with her?" 

"Because I thought that if you two could have a relationship then you could give her a piece of your company and I could walk away without any repercussions because she threatened to make sure I was never able to own my own business if I backed out of her plan." 

I rubbed my forehead. "Right." I sighed heavily. "Well she sold you out to me. She's the reason why I knew about you and Ryan." 

Her eyes widened disbelievingly. "Why?" 

"Because she's going to die of cancer and has no more use for you." I shoved my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. "You're free from her and we're done. I love you and that's the most painful reality I have to live with right now because I wish everything we had was real and I wish I could've made you happy. I wish I could've given you everything and more and I have to live with knowing it was all a lie. I wish you the best, but I still never want to ever see you again." 

She stepped forward again and gave me a pleading look. "I did fall in love with you and those parts were never a lie. Not to me. Loving you was the best part of everything I did and I'm sorry that in the end I wasn't the person you thought I was. I wish you can find what you're looking for because you deserve more than anyone to be loved and cared for in the way that you need to be." 

I nodded my head. "Goodnight Ell." 

"Goodnight Carmilla." 

I left her at the bar and balled my hands up into fists within my pockets as I fought back the tears welling up in my eyes. As much as I'm pissed off about everything, I really did love her and it burns to know that the whole relationship was fabricated by my mother. It hurts to know that Ell did and does love me and that some of the moments we shared were real and not a lie. It’s a torture to know that in the end I wasn't the one for her. I wasn't her soulmate or even her future. I was just a means to an end.   
Will I ever be enough for anyone? 

 

 

 

 

 

I knocked on the door while holding a pack of beer in my hand. The door swung open and Will took in my puffy red eyes and the pack of beer in my hand. He beckoned me into his apartment then went to his fridge. 

"I take it the talk with Ell went to shit." He came back and popped open the gallon of ice cream and handed me a spoon. 

"Well I was right in mother having a hand in it."

"What did she do?" 

"She concocted the entire relationship." I stabbed at the ice cream angrily. "She made a deal with Ell where Ell was to be in a relationship with me until we got married and then when we divorced, Ell will give her the piece of the company she would have gotten in the settlement." 

"And you wouldn't have asked for a prenup because Ell has never showed interest in your money and because you loved and trusted her." 

I pointed my spoon at him. "Bingo." 

"Wow." He titled his head side to side. "Then I guess mother finding out she’s dying really screwed up all her plans." 

"Yup." 

He got up and went back to the kitchen. "Well at least you got your answers." He flopped back down on the couch with his own spoon and began to eat some ice cream. 

"Well now I wish I never knew because now I'm just trying to sort through my entire relationship to figure out what was real and what was bullshit." 

"Don't do that." 

"What else am I supposed to do? My entire relationship was built on a fucking lie and Ell did love me, but I have to figure out when she started to love me and what was her just acting." 

He shook his head. "It’s not worth it. Do I think she loved you for parts of it? Yeah I do, but it’s not worth it to think about it because you're only going to drive yourself insane trying to figure out what were lies and what were the truth. It’s not worth giving her more of your time. She's taken enough of it." 

I sucked the ice cream off the spoon and let it melt in my mouth to give me some time to think. "I know, but I really loved her and this is just too much for me."

"I know." 

I stuck my spoon in the ice cream and left it there. "I think the saddest part is that I want nothing more than for her to be happy even though it’s not with me."

He licked his spoon then lowered it to his lap. "You have a good heart and no amount of bad things that has happened to you has been able to stop you from being a good person." 

I picked up my spoon again. "Yeah being a good person sucks." 

"But it’s who you are." We took a few more bites of the ice cream before he cleared his throat. "Are you going to do anything about mother?" 

I shrugged. "No point. She's going to pass away and I'll allow her to pass away thinking she's done something right by me." 

He lowered his spoon again. "Do you think she has ever honestly felt sorry for the things she did to us?" 

"No." 

"Do you think she ever could?" 

"Nope." I stabbed my spoon into the ice cream and left it there again. "I think she's not capable of ever feeling remorse, guilt, or sorry for the things she has done because of the things she received from doing it and I don't think she ever will."

"It’s kinda sad don't you think?" 

"Why?" 

"Because she has hurt us beyond belief and yet in the end it was all for nothing." 

"I think her only regret would be not getting everything she wanted despite everything she did to get it." 

"Same, but it makes me wonder if she was ever happy." 

I picked my spoon back up. "I'm sure there were moments." 

"Yeah." He leaned his head against the couch. "So change of subject. How are things with Laura?" 

"She won't answer her phone." 

"She will." 

"When?" 

He shrugged. "When she's ready." 

I sighed and stared into the gallon of ice cream. "I honestly don't feel like she's going to choose me." 

"She'd be an idiot not to." 

"But she's also the type to take her wedding vows seriously, so I don't think she will back out of them now because of me." 

"That may be true, but she may choose you." 

"I don't think she will." 

"Then what are you going to do?" 

"Move because I won't be able to stand being that close to her but not being able to have her and I can't be her friend when I want to be more." 

"Sounds like you gave it some thought." 

"I really did." I twirled the tip of the spoon in the ice cream. "I'm at a point where I can't live without her in my life, but I also can't live with her as being nothing more than just my friend. I love her and its killing me to know that she's going to choose her wife in the end." 

"Like I said, you can only do so much and this is not just your mess. She's going to have to do her part." 

"I know. I just don't want to know what she decides, but I know I have to." 

"Give her her time. It’s not an easy decision to make." 

"I know." 

"No matter what happens you always have me and I love you no matter what." 

I picked at the ice cream. "I love you too." I threw my head back and closed my eyes for a second then lowered my head to stare at him. "Okay no more sappy sibling stuff. Let's watch a movie or something while getting drunk." 

"Leave it to you to end a moment," he said laughing. 

"Whatever little brother." 

He shook his head then grabbed his remote. "Just eat your damn ice cream." 

"Oh I will don't worry."

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I scratched the back of my neck before burying my fingers in my hair and tugging just enough to cause a slight bit of pain as I stared at my phone. I stared at the large number of notifications glaring back at me in my messages. I hovered my thumb over my messages and stalled the inevitable. I rubbed my neck then bit the bullet. I clicked on my messages and saw that all of the notifications came from Carmilla texting me all day today. I bit my lip as I opened the text messages to see what they said. 

**Carm :) [09:45 AM]: Hey just checking to see if you're alright since I haven't**

**heard from you in like two days. Just want to know you're**

**alright.**

**Carm :) [10:30 AM]: Could you please text me so I can know you're alright**

**Carm :) [11:05 AM]: Stop avoiding me please!**

**Carm :) [11:07 AM]: Sorry I'm just getting frustrated**

**Carm :) [11:47 AM]: Could you please talk to me?**

**Carm :) [12:03 PM]: We need to talk. Please answer.**

**Carm :) [12:32 PM]: Laura please...**

**Carm :) [12:57 PM]: Laura...we need to talk.**

**Carm :) [01:15 PM]: Please...**

I scrolled through the messages quickly since all of them are pretty much the same as those first ones and the ones from yesterday. I set my phone down and hit my head against the table. What am I doing?   
I got up and went to my room then started to search through my closet. I pulled out a wooden box then went to sit down on the bed. I ran my fingers over the lid of the box then opened it to reveal the pictures tucked inside. I pulled out the stack of photos then set the box aside. I sat cross legged and started to go through the pictures slowly of Danny and I through the years along with some with LaF and Perry as well as Kirsch. 

There was the time we all took a random trip to the beach to get away from the stress of school before finals started during my sophomore year. Danny had jumped on Kirsch's back while LaF shoved me with their shoulder and Perry held up a peace sign. It was a good day where we played volleyball and swam around for the whole day. I still had a huge crush on Danny then so her smile that day was special to me even though I knew it would never be just for me. I spread the pictures out on the bed then picked up the one where Danny and I were on our sixth date together. She had pulled me close to her and kissed my cheek before she snapped the picture. It was a good day where I had beaten her at laser tag because she was easy to see since she's so tall and because I may have had her wear a white shirt so she could glow in the dark. 

"Hey." 

I looked up to see Danny standing at the door. "Hey." 

She stepped closer and took a look at the pictures. "What are you up to?" 

I shrugged and stared at the pictures. "Just reliving some memories." 

She gave me a small smile then sat down in the bed stretching out her legs and leaning on her elbow. She reached out and grabbed a picture. "I remember this day. You were refusing to get in the pool and I was trying to throw you in it, but ended up getting us both dropped in when LaF pushed us." 

I smiled as I looked at the picture of both of us laughing with her arms around me trying to lift me into the pool. "Yeah you weren't happy because you were trying not to get your hair wet since you had a dinner with your parents right after that you didn't have time to get ready for since the party and dinner were back to back." 

"Perry did her best with my hair, but I still ended up looking like a disaster since parts of my hair was still wet." 

I laughed a little. "You did look like a wet dog." 

She shoved me playfully. "Thanks." 

I shook my head and reached for another picture. "This is when we all were dying in the library because we had been studying for finals and finishing up papers for twenty-four hours straight." 

She laughed as she looked at all of us in different stages of stress and exhaustion. Kirsch was passed out. Perry was trying to shove brownies down our throats. LaF was glaring at their laptop while Danny had fallen asleep against my shoulder in the middle of proof reading my essay. I had thought it would make a funny picture when I took it. "Why did we think that was a good idea?" She asked. 

I shook my head. "I honestly don't know," I answered while trying to hold in my laughter. "We did end up passing the semester though." 

"Very true. We also all ended up in LaF and Perry's room asleep for two days from the exhaustion and sleep deprivation." She reached over and grabbed another picture which was really a strip of pictures from a photo booth. "We took these just after I asked you to be my girlfriend," she said smiling fondly at the pictures. 

I looked down at them happily as well. I really liked the one where we were both smiling into a kiss. "That's one of my favorite memories." 

She nodded her head. "It obviously comes after my second favorite memory." She picked up the picture that Perry had taken of Danny proposing to me in front of the water fountain at Silas that I had mentioned I loved a lot because there were times when they would add lights so the water changed colors. Danny had timed it so that the night she proposed was one of those nights so the fountain was lit up in reds and blues. 

I stared at the picture lovingly. "You had made me think something was wrong that whole week and then that entire day we did everything I wanted to do before you got down on one knee to ask me to marry you and LaF came out of nowhere with the ring box." 

"I was afraid I'd slip up and just tell you what my plan was and thus ruin the proposal." 

I looked at her then kissed the top of her head. "It was a great proposal and I was glad Perry and LaF were there. They're family."

She hummed in agreement. "Yeah texting LaF without you knowing was so difficult." 

"Well I did wonder what you were doing on your phone since you were constantly on it that day." 

"Yeah. I'm just glad it all worked out and I didn't drop the ring when trying to put it on your finger." 

"For a second I thought you were." 

"Well I didn't so good job past me." 

I chuckled. "Yay past you!" Her shoulders shook with her laughter. I reached out and grabbed one of our wedding photos. "This one has always been my favorite out of all the ones we took that day," I said running my thumb over the picture. 

We were both in our dresses and we had decided to walk down the aisle together with my father between us escorting us both since her parents weren't going to make it on time. There had been a pile up on the freeway and they were running almost an hour late even though they had left hours early in order to make it on time. Danny was stressed out and I hated to see her that way. We also couldn't keep postponing the ceremony because there was to be another wedding that night and they needed all the time they could get to set it up. I suggested we walk together, so we exited our rooms at the same time and met at the doors. LaF suggested we be blind folded until we got to the door to enter the church so that we could see each other up close and be surprised by how we looked. Perry and LaF had taken our blind folds off at the same time and the photographer caught the exact moment when our faces went from overwhelming shock to never ending love. 

"Seeing you for the first time like that in your dress was the best moment of my life," she said also staring at the picture as if she was reliving it all over again. 

"I thought I was dreaming," I said feeling that burning love in my chest from that moment. 

She took the other end of the picture and stared at it longingly before turning her gaze to me. Her eyes filled with sorrow as she stared into mine. "I'm sorry." She shook her head when I opened my mouth and cut me off. "I know I haven't been the wife you've needed me to be lately and I'm so sorry. I know that's never going to be enough to make up for everything, but I'm going to try. I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you and be the wife you need. I've been selfish, neglectful, and unappreciative since we moved here and during the time before we moved here and I'm sorry. You don't deserve that." She reached out and cupped my face in her hand. "I've never thanked you for everything you've done for me, for us, and I'm going to make sure you know how truly thankful I am to have you in my life and for everything you do. I love you Laura. I'm sorry and thank you. I'm going to do my best to fix us, to fix me, and I want you to know that you can count on me." 

I looked into the sincerity in her eyes and felt my heart warm at her declaration. I turned to kiss the palm of her hand. "I love you too." 

She smiled shyly then leaned in and kissed me softly. It felt empty. My heart didn't pound against my chest nor did my lips burn from the sensation or my breath get lost in her. It was empty. It was sweet, but only because of our history and the fact that I do love her. It’s like LaF said, I don't love her the way I used to and that's fine. As much as I want to feel something all I can think of is how kissing Carmilla had made me feel alive, yet at the same time Danny is willing to try. She wants to try and I shouldn't take away her chance to do it. She wants to fix our marriage and I should give her a chance to do so. I should give her chance. She deserves a chance. She's my wife and she deserves a chance. 

Maybe if I say it enough times I can fully convince myself.

 

 


	15. War of Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well the theme song for this week is Ruelle-War of Hearts hence the chapter name, so enjoy lovelies.

**_Carmilla_ **

I tapped my foot against the white tiled floor while the sounds of people shuffling around filled the space around me. I twirled my phone around and around between my fingers bumping it against my thigh with every turn. I leaned harder on my elbow and pressed my lips to my fingers as I stared at my phone hoping a message would come through. Hoping that Laura would text me back because I am so lost and out of my element right now. I don't know what to do and with every passing minute I am debating whether or not to stay or make a run for it. Honestly what was I thinking?

"It'll be fine. We can do this," Will said snapping me out of my thoughts.

"How are you so calm?" I asked stressed out.

He looked down at the floor. "I'm not. I'm scared out of my mind right now, but I'm still excited about it all."

I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my forehead. "What were we thinking?"

He ran his hands through his hair. "She's our sister and we can't let anyone else raise her. We're her siblings and it’s our job to protect her."

I looked away to the ceiling. "We will make crap parents you know, so maybe she needs protecting from us."

"We're her siblings first and her parents second. I'm sure that line is going to be blurry as hell until she gets older, but we're the best ones to raise her because we know what it's like to not have someone love us while raising us and we both have so much love to give," he answered easily.

I looked back to him. "You're truly ready."

He clasped his hands together in front of him then rubbed them together before sitting back. "I just know who I don't want to be to her."

I nodded my head. "That I can agree with."

"Carm?" I froze then turned my head to see Laura standing there.

Her hair was up in a messy bun and she was in a pair of grey sweats, a black V-neck shirt, and a pair of white running shoes. She looked like she just woke up to come here and just rushed through her room grabbing whatever was easiest to get a hold of and throwing it on to get here. Despite her disheveled look, she was still as beautiful as ever and I couldn't stop the sudden heat that coursed through my body thawing me out as if I had been frozen since the night at the club and only just now was coming back to life. I pushed myself hesitantly to my feet and just stood there.

She stared in my eyes as understanding filled hers. She moved over to me then pulled me into a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her in even closer. I buried my face into the side of her neck and let the scent of her surround and flow through me. She pulled me even closer leaving no space between us and I felt just how much we fit with one another. It was terrifying since we still haven't talked about what happened at the club, but I'm so glad she's here. She grounds me when I don't even know that I'm up in space in the first place. She's becoming everything and I don't think I'll be alright for a long time if in the end she decides to push me away.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"You're welcome."

"Karnstein?" The doctor called.

"Right here," Will answered while jumping to his feet. I reluctantly let go of Laura and nodded my head in confirmation. Laura slipped her hand into mine and gave it a comforting squeeze.

The doctor clasped his hands behind his back. "We tried to do the birth through traditional ways, but the baby turned sideways and we were unable to place the baby back into natural position for birth. We had to do an emergency C-section because the umbilical cord got wrapped around your sister’s neck, but by this point your mother was weakened significantly due to the cancer as well as the hours spent pushing. We did everything that we could, but her body wasn't strong enough to hold out. I'm sorry." He paused as the information sank in and I squeezed Laura's hand even tighter.

"And our sister?" Will asked worriedly.

"She's fine now despite the complications. She came out to nine pounds, three ounces, and nineteen inches. She's getting cleaned up right now, so a nurse will come get you when she's ready to be held," he answered. Laura leaned into my side a bit more and began to caress the back of my hand with her thumb. I hadn't noticed that I was shaking. "We are moving your mother to our morgue for the time being, so when you're ready you can ask the nurse to take you down to see her."

A nurse in pink pant scrubs and a white shirt scrub with flowers all over it came up beside the doctor. "If you're ready, your baby sister is ready for you to meet her," she said cheerily.

I gulped and held onto Laura's hand tighter. "Thank you," Will said then stepped forward.

I stayed still and Laura gently tugged me to follow the nurse and Will. She gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand again. She was going with me. She was going with me because she knows I'm having a meltdown right now. I didn't think she would come at all since she's been ignoring me for the past few days and I messaged her at six this morning just because it had already been five hours since mother had come to the hospital and it was so early in the morning. I mean I know she wakes up early, but I thought she would only send me a text at least. I didn't think she would show up two hours later to be here for me. I only hope that this means she's made a decision about us and that that decision is one where we are spending the rest of our lives together.

We stepped into the nursery and the nurse led us over to where Matska was sleeping. We all stopped a few feet away scared to move any closer. The nurse lifted Mattie up into her arms then carried her over to us.

"This is your little sister," the nurse said happily coming a bit closer to show us Matska. I gulped and began to get very nervous. "Would either of you want to hold her?"

I glanced at Will who seemed to have frozen in place. He was stock still as he looked at Matska. Laura looked caringly at the baby as if she wanted to hold her herself. I looked at Matska and shifted a bit. I cleared my throat. "I-I will," I hesitated. I squeezed Laura's hand then let go trying to find my confidence. "I will like to," I said more confidently.

The nurse gave me a beaming smile as she shifted Matska to place her in my arms. "Just hold your arms out like this. Perfect. Now support her head like this and cradle her like so," the nurse instructed as she maneuvered my arms into the right places.

I stared down at Matska seeing how calm and sleepy she was. She hadn't cried at all during the whole ordeal and looked adorable in the pink blanket even though I think she would look cute in the blue one or the yellow one I got for her back home. I started to shift from side to side as I took in her beautiful dark brown skin and the little tuft of black hair on her head. I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead feeling the baby softness of her skin against my lips. I pulled away and just stared at her feeling myself relax and smile.

"Mattie," I whispered. "My Mattie."

I glanced up and locked eyes with Laura. She gave me a bright smile and stepped closer. Her eyes were glossed over as if she wanted to cry, but they were filled with joy and maybe even possibly love. She looked away and to Mattie. She reached out and placed her hand over Mattie's chest giving Mattie the biggest smile I have seen on her face as of yet. It was then that I felt the undeniable desire to one day be standing like this with her in our home with our own child. I want to be with Laura. I want nothing more than to be with her.

I tore my eyes away from Laura to look at Will just behind her. He seemed to have shaken out of his stupor and was now aware of what was going on around him. He was smiling and staring at us. I took a step to the side and Laura moved over so Will could come closer. He hesitated a bit then moved to stand in front of me. He reached out and I gladly placed Mattie into his arms. I helped adjust his hold and then stared as he held her close to his chest.

"She's so small," he commented.

"She is a baby," I retorted.

He rolled his eyes. "Thank you Captain Obvious."

"You're welcome."

He smirked and shook his head. I turned to Laura and she looked up to meet my gaze. There was something like fear in her eyes.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

"Better than I was before you showed up," I answered honestly.

Her eyes widened slightly then looked away. "I should get going."

I reached out and placed my fingers under her chin turning her to face me. "Laura we really need to talk."

"I know. Just not now," she answered.

"Then when?"

"Soon." She reached out and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Don't worry right now. You have other responsibilities to worry about."

"I don't want to put it off any longer," I said almost pleadingly.

She caressed my jaw line with her thumb. "Soon."

I nodded. "Alright."

She leaned up and kissed my cheek. "I will see you."

"Thank you for being here for me."

"Always."

She gave me another kiss then left with a squeeze to my hand and one to Will's shoulder. I watched her until she exited the nursery. My chance for love hung on the conversation we needed to have.

"You look better," Will said with a knowing smile.

"So do you. I thought I was going to have to set a fire to thaw you out," I joked.

He rolled his eyes. "I thought I was prepared, but it’s different when she's right here."

I stepped closer to him and placed my hand on Mattie's head and caressed her forehead with my thumb. "I wasn't ready at all, but I think I am now." I smiled down at her. "Holding her certainly made me feel like I can do this. Like really do this."

He nodded his head. "We can do this."

"Well we can't take it back," I teased.

He laughed a little and shook his head. "We're going to be horrible influences on her."

"I count that as a positive."

He tilted his head from side to side. "I guess you're alright."

I reached out and ruffled his hair. "Watch it little brother. You're lucky you're holding our little sister or I'd shove you."

He shrugged. "I guess I'm just going to have to hold her all the time then."

"Don't use our sister as a baby shield."

"Well if it gets you to back off killing me then I shall have her all the time," he joked.

I rolled my eyes. "I'll find ways to get you. Just wait." I held my arms out. "Now let me hold my sister some more before we have to let her go for the night."

He transferred Mattie back into my arms and I held her close to my heart. She had yet to cry and I can only hope that she's going to be an easy baby who actually sleeps all the way through the night. I don't think I can handle having to get up all the time, but I know I will. I will do anything for her. I stared at my little sister and I just know there is nothing that I won't do to make her happy and make sure she has everything she could ever need. She's going to be my whole world.

"She's going to be so spoiled," Will commented.

"You have no idea," I said sincerely.

"Alright you two. She needs to get some rest now," the nurse said.

I nodded my head as Will bent down to kiss Mattie's forehead. "See you later kiddo," he whispered.

I lifted her up to meet my lips halfway as I kissed her forehead. "I'll be back soon little peanut. I love you." I handed her over to the nurse and waited for her to be settled back down.

"We'll be fine," Will said to finalize everything.

"We will," I confirmed.

We'll be fine. No matter what happens, I have my family and we'll be fine.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I stared blankly at my coffee cup as I sat at a table by the window debating whether or not to get up and go to Carmilla's bookstore right next door. It has been a few days since I had gone to the hospital to give Carmilla some comfort about her sister being born, but we haven't fully spoke to one another since then. The only thing she has done is update me about Mattie needing to spend an extra week in the hospital because she was having a little trouble breathing. I guess she's just waiting for me to message her and let her know that I am ready to talk, but I can't. I can't bring myself to text her because talking to her will make my decision real and I don't want it to be as selfish as that may sound. I don't want anything to be real.

I looked down at the table and scraped my nail against the top causing an uncomfortable shiver to go down my spine. It isn't fair to her if I don't talk to her and it's not right if I ignore her and hope that everything will just sort itself out. She deserves to have this conversation just as much as I need to have it with her. I just wish it was easy to say that I can't do this with her if I actually felt anything for Danny this past week.

Danny has been trying. She's taken me out on a date twice this week, has surprised me with flowers at work, and has spent more time with me instead of grading assignments. She's been trying to show me that she loves me and that she's going to be there for me, but it all just feels empty to me. I don't feel anything and I know I should. I should feel something, anything, but I don't. It doesn't mean I don't love her, but the kisses we share are not the same anymore and her hugs don't feel as comforting. I don't feel comfortable or at ease with her anymore and the scariest thing is that this was happening before Carmilla came into the picture. I have slowly stopped feeling for Danny what I once felt and Carmilla has only forced me to see all of it. I can't ignore it anymore. There's something wrong with my marriage and it’s me. I need help if I'm going to get back to the place I was at once before with Danny and it all starts with talking to Carmilla then counseling...maybe

I tapped my nail against the table then finished the rest of my coffee. Nothing is going to get done if I just sit here all day. I have to walk into that bookstore and talk to Carmilla. I have to tell her what I decided and hope that she can understand. I mean she's still with Ell, so she may understand what it means to try to work things out with someone so that you can get back to a good place, I mean if she's actually started to try to fix things with her. I know she loves Ell, so she has to understand. She just has to.

I ran my fingers through my hair and shook it out before leaving the coffee shop. I walked down the sidewalk to Carmilla's bookstore next door then took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside as the bell rang to notify everyone that someone had walked in. I stood by the door for a moment waiting for someone to come out and greet me, but no one did. They must not have heard the bell which hopefully means that Carmilla is the only one here. I walked through the shop and went straight to Carmilla's office. She sat there staring at her computer screen with a pair of glasses on and her lips moving slightly silently mouthing out the words she read. She looked good with her glasses on and with the black blazer, white button up suit, and her wavy hair cascading down her back and shoulders, I can see the appeal of the sexy librarian fantasy some people have.

I cleared my throat then knocked my knuckles against her door to gain her attention. She looked away from the computer and met my gaze. Her eyes grew tender as she stared into my eyes then she stood up and smiled brightly.

"Hey."

"Hey." I stayed by the door not sure if I should take a seat or not.

"Come on in and make yourself comfortable," she said noticing my unease. I nodded my head and took the seat across from her desk.

Once I was up close I could see through her glasses to the dark purple bruising under her eyes and how she had gotten a bit thinner in the past week. I folded my hands together on my lap to try to keep myself from reaching out to her to cup her face and try to take away whatever pain she had.

"How's Mattie?" I asked going with a safe topic for now.

She exhaled tiredly and ran her fingers through her hair. "She'll be coming home in about two days thankfully. Unfortunately, Will has to leave for a business meeting to our company in Spain, so I shall have her all to myself."

"I'm sure you'll do fine," I said encouragingly.

"I hope so."

An awkward silence filled the air as we sat there since there wasn't much to say about Mattie. "Where's Elsie and JP?"

"They're upstairs in the apartment having a lunch break."

I nodded my head and began to twiddle my thumbs. "That's good," I said in order to stall for time.

She stayed silent as the heavy air settled around us. She leaned back in her chair and placed her hands in her lap. "We need to talk."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "We do," I answered simply. She began to swivel side to side. I took a look off to the side then shook my head slightly. It’s now or never. "About the kiss. I will admit we were pretty drunk by then, so as awkward as it was just know that it didn't mean anything and that it shouldn't get in the way of our relationship. I'm sorry if it seemed like I pressured you into kissing me and know that I don't blame you or anything for it," I began rushing through it.

She stopped and sat there frozen for a moment. "You didn't pressure me into kissing you," she said seriously.

"That's good to know."

She unfolded her hands and leaned forward. "I don't regret that kiss. I wanted to kiss you and so I did. I have wanted to kiss you for so long now and I'm glad I finally got the chance to," she said staring at me with hurt in her eyes.

I shook my head. "Please don't say that."

"Why not?"

I fidgeted with my hands in my lap. "Because it shouldn't have happened no matter what we were feeling. I can't do this Carmilla!"

She looked at me then there was shift as fire filled her eyes. "Can you honestly tell me that you didn't enjoy that kiss as much as I did? That you hadn't wanted to kiss me before then?"

I gripped my hands together tightly. "That doesn't matter."

"It does matter!" She said fiercely.

"No it doesn't!" I said raising my voice. "I'm married! I'm married and it shouldn't matter how I feel about you. That kiss shouldn't have happened!" I got to my feet and moved away from the chair to begin pacing.

"But it did. It happened and we can't take it back. I don't want to and I don't want to pretend it never happened because I have feelings for you!" She admitted.

"No. Stop!"

"Laura I want to be with you!"

I shook my head furiously. "No. No. NO!"

"Tell me you don't feel something for me. Tell me there's nothing there!" She plead.

"STOP IT!" I stopped and faced her.

She was standing there with her hands pressed firmly to the desktop with her glasses discarded to the side and a determination in her yes. She stood up straight and came around the desk to stand a foot away from me. "I felt like the world was finally beginning to make sense when we kissed. I felt like my heart had melded to yours and that our bodies knew each other better than anyone else could ever know them. I felt as if the word whole could never describe how full you make my heart and soul feel. I can't help the way I feel for you. I want you more than anything. I want to give you all of me and so much more. I want you. I want only you," she confessed exposing her heart to me completely.

Her eyes stared at me full of fear and a vulnerability I had never seen before. She was baring her heart and soul to me and something finally snapped inside me. I surged forward crashing our lips together as I cupped her face in my hands. She froze for a moment then began to move her lips frantically against mine as her hands settled on my waist and pulled me closer against her. Her hands ran up my back then moved to cup my face as our kiss slowly transitioned to something softer. Her tongue slid against my bottom lip and I parted my lips to allow her access. Her tongue slid into my mouth and we both whimpered at the taste of one another on our tongues. She tasted even better sober and I could feel the way my heart soared at the feel and taste of her surrounding me comfortingly like a favorite blanket. Her hand slid to the nape of my neck and her fingers tangled in my hair. My body felt hot and hummed with want. I want her. I want all of her. I want everything she is willing to give me and more. I want to give her everything.

One of her hands slid down my arm slowly until it came to my hand and she entwined our fingers together. I pulled away as the pressure of my wedding and engagement ring pressed into the skin of my finger painfully. I slipped my hand out of hers and pushed away putting space between us. The pain that flashed through her eyes and the way her body swayed weakly squeezed some of the life out of my heart.  I gulped as I began to twist my wedding ring around and around on my finger. What have I done? What am I doing? I came here to end things with her before it went too far and instead I crossed the damn line and did something stupid.

I shook my head. "I have to go." I pivoted and bolted from the room and the shop not caring if she followed me or not. I just had to put distance between us. It was all too suffocating.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I caught my breath the second after she ran off then bolted after her. I'm not letting her run away again. I can't. There's too much between us to allow her to do that and pretend or ignore that nothing happened. Not this time. I threw the door of my shop open and ran after her retreating form. Luckily she wasn't too far ahead.

"Laura!" I called out over the small crowd that was walking on the sidewalk. "Laura!" I speed up until I was finally able to grasp the crook of her elbow.

She spun around to face me. "What Carmilla!" She snapped pulling her arm out of my grasp.

"Please don't run," I begged.

She shook her head and looked away. "I can't do this. I can't."

"Yes you can," I plead.

She shook her head more forcefully. "I'm married! I can't do this!"

My fingers twitched. I stepped closer to her to cup her face and focus her attention on me. "Laura..." She began to shake her head furiously then stepped out of my hold.

She stepped off to the side into an alley effectively getting out of the way of passing people allowing us more privacy. "I can't," she said brokenly.

I stood in front of her and curled my hands into fists to stop myself from reaching out to her. "You know your marriage isn't going to work and it's not because you don't love her, but because she doesn't love you." She rubbed her forehead and bit down on her lip. "You're just living in the shadow of her soulmate and you know it."

"Shut up," she whispered.

"How long are you going to keep giving yourself to someone who will never love you enough?"

"Shut up," she said a bit louder.

"I don't know just how much you love her, but you're never going to be her soulmate and she's not going to love you for you."

"I said shut up!" She shouted. I took half a step back at the outburst. She stepped directly into my face staring me down. "Like you're any better! Ell has been cheating on you for your entire relationship, but because you wanted to spite your step-mother who found this out for you, you stayed with her. You've been trying to make it work with someone who never wanted you to begin with!" She yelled.

Her words stabbed at my heart because that was still a sore subject even though I broke up with Ell. "I broke up with her," I admitted. This information threw her and she gaped at me with wide eyes. "I broke up with her after we kissed." She stepped back and looked like a deer in headlights. I gulped and took a leap of faith. "I couldn't be with someone I couldn't love."

She continued to stare at me as the tense silence settled around us. Then something changed in her eyes and she surged forward capturing my lips into a kiss that seemed to be full of sorrow instead of happiness. She cupped my face in her hands and clung to me as if I would disappear like smoke. She broke away from the kiss and pressed her forehead to mine. "I fell in love with you when I shouldn't have. I'm married and I fell for you anyway. I can't. Not like this." She pulled away. "Not like this," she said pleadingly. She turned and ran off again.

I stood in the alley shocked at what she said. She fell in love with me. She fell in love with me. She loves me. I took a breath to calm the anxiousness and blinked before stepping out of the alley to see her back as she ran down the sidewalk. I took a step forward and opened my mouth to yell for her, but nothing came out. It was almost as if a gag had been pushed into my mouth to silence my voice from calling out her name. I took another step toward her seeing her begin to fade from my eye sight. I went to move again, but my feet became rooted to the spot. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest and it felt way too hot all of a sudden. She finally disappeared from my sight and I clutched my chest as if I could stop myself from crumbling into pieces if I can just keep my heart in place.

I continued to look forward for her and felt my throat unclog. I took a step back and finally opened my mouth. "I love you," I whispered into empty space.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I unlocked the door and stepped inside. I dropped the keys into the key dish then made my way to my room. I stepped into the room and tuned in to the sound of the shower running. Danny must be in there right now. I don't know how much longer she will be in there. I looked around the room briefly then looked down to my wedding band and engagement ring. I twirled my wedding band around and around. I can't do this. I can't do any of this anymore. I let go of my ring and went to the closet to dig out a duffel bag.

A spurt of energy surged through my body and I began to run around the room. I pulled drawers open yanking clothes out of them then tossing them into the bag not bothering to make sure to close the drawers all the way as I threw them shut haphazardly. I yanked clothes off their hangers and shoved them into the bag as well. I grabbed my messenger bag for work off the floor by the closet then zipped the duffel bag shut. The door to the bathroom opened just as I stepped out of the room. I went to the living room then to the door to drop my bags by it. My breaths began to come out quick and short as I listened to Danny's footsteps come down the hall. I made my way to the kitchen table and took a seat at the head of it.

"Laura?" She asked sounding worried. I couldn't say a word. She moved and sat down to my left. "Laura what's going on?"

I stared intensely at the table as my thoughts jumbled up in my brain in a chaotic mess. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to settle my mind and the whirlwind within my stomach. I buried my fingers in my hair for a moment then rest my hand on the table.

"I wanted to fix our marriage. I wanted to fix us and become happy again like we were before we got married and for the first few months after. I wanted to give you another chance, but I just can't," I blurted out. "I thought I could do this. I thought I could make everything work. I didn't want to throw it all away because we're married and I should give you a second chance. We're married and that should mean more than just words, but it doesn't, especially not after today." I stared at my hands for a moment. "I love you, but not in the way I loved you when we got married. I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore and I know that's not fair, but I just can't force myself to love you. I can't do it when there's nothing left of me to give to you. I've tried to be everything you needed or wanted, but I just could never be Kirsch and that's not entirely your fault. He was your soulmate and really did match well with you and I can't compete with that and I don't think you have enough room in your heart for me and that's fine. He was your one and it's okay if there's no room for another."

I looked at her and saw the sorrow filling her eyes. "I fell in love with someone else and as much as I have tried to fight it, I just can't anymore." I fidgeted with my fingers. "I learned that today when I kissed her and I had to think of everything after the first time I kissed her. I should have told you what was going on. I should have told you about the first kiss, but I thought that I could make things work between us. I thought that I owed it to you to try because we're married, but I'm tired. I'm tired, so I'm not going to do it anymore." I stared down at my rings. "I thought the right thing to do was to honor my commitment to you. To honor our vows and our marriage, but now I see that that's not the right thing. The right thing is stepping back now before everything goes down in flames. The right thing is to let you be happy without me and to be happy without you outside of a marriage. We were good friends before, but we don't make great wives."

I stared at my rings then pulled them both off with shaky hands. I set them down on the table in front of her. "I don't regret marrying you, but we don't fit. We're two pieces from different puzzles that tried to make it work, but the picture just didn't look right." I stood up and kissed the top of her head. "I love you," I whispered. I walked away to grab my stuff by the door.

"Does she make you happy?" She asked softly.

I took the door knob in my hand. "Yes."

The chair scraped against the floor and I turned to look at her. "Where will you go?"

I turned the doorknob and opened the door a bit. "I'm not completely sure yet, but I know where to start."

"And where's that?"

"With myself."

Her eyes were slightly red from her silent tears. "Go before I try to make you stay which would be a big mistake because you're right. You're right, but I'm just as stubborn as you."

I nodded my head. "I'll see you."

She nodded. "I love you," she said with a gentle tenderness that seemed to fall along the lines of friendship rather than lovers.

"I love you too," I answered feeling relief at being able to say those words as a friend and not having to lie as her wife.

I turned and closed the door behind me. I took one more look at it pressing my hand flat against it before walking away for good.

 

 


	16. Mattie SOS

**_Carmilla_ **

I grunted as I lugged Mattie into the shop in her big car seat which honestly this is a bitch to carry for sure. I'm pretty strong as is, but this is definitely a work out when carrying it for a long distance with just my arms. Elsie and JP walked to the front of the shop at the sound of the bell as I kicked the door shut with the heel of my foot then made my way over to my office. I gripped the strap of the baby bag tightly as I felt it begin to slip off my shoulder. This is just one hell of a damn balancing act and I'm horrible at it. Thankfully it's only my first day with Mattie and I should get better at all of this...hopefully. 

"You brought your sister here to work just after getting her out if the hospital?" Elsie asked critically.

I huffed as I brought Mattie over to my desk and dumped the bag in the guest chair then placed Mattie down on top of my desk to have her closer to eye level. "I cleared it with the doctor first. Plus, I'm not planning on staying for too long. I just have a few orders to finish up for the month as well as do the budget and cost sheets to make sure we're still making as much as we spend on keeping the shop going." I ruffled my hair then messaged my scalp as I took a breather. 

"And Will couldn't have taken care of her?" JP inquired as he looked over my shoulder at Mattie. 

"He's at one of our branches in Spain," I answered. 

"Right, so we're just going to go then," Elsie said taking a peak at Mattie then clapped her hand on JP's shoulder. 

JP nodded his head. "Right. Well you have fun," he said while retreating. 

"What? She not cute enough for you?" I asked teasingly. 

"She's adorable, but we're not getting sucked into babysitting, so bye," Elsie quickly fired out. 

JP nodded. "I'm going to go stock some more books," he said excusing himself from the room. 

I rolled my eyes then stared down at Mattie. "Alright little one. Looks like it’s just you and me from here on out," I said trying to sound cheery. 

I walked around my desk then turned Mattie around so she was facing me. I booted up my computer then pulled up the spread sheets I needed to work on today. This shouldn't take long and Mattie will probably sleep through it. I mean she is a baby, so it can't be too hard to take care of her. 

 

 

 

 

 

I rocked the car seat trying to focus on the last of my spread sheets and found that I would have to give it up. Mattie was wailing and had been crying her lungs out for a good ten minutes as I tried to rock her back to sleep. Obviously she wasn't liking it and I was beginning to regret this whole decision. Who thought it was a good idea for me to raise a kid? I don't know the first thing about raising kids. What the hell did I get myself into? 

"OK that's it you're horrible at this," Elsie bluntly stated as she waltzed into my office and made her way over to me. 

I stared at her grumpily. "What and you can do better?" 

Elsie swiftly removed Mattie from her car seat as she continued to fuss. "Actually I can and I will. Now watch the master work," she said cockily. 

I glared at her as she grabbed the baby bag then strutted out of my office holding a wailing Mattie having no trouble balancing everything. Geeze Mattie has a pair of lungs on her. I got up and followed after Elsie. "Show me your ways oh great one," I said sarcastically. 

"JP watch the store! I'm going to show boss here how to handle a baby!" She called out.

"Thank god," JP answered as he came out from one of the aisles. I glared at him. He put his hands up in surrender. "Just expressing what everyone is thinking."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Just help me get her to stop crying please," I said frustrated. 

JP walked to stand behind the counter as Elsie walked to the back of the store to where the stairs that led to the apartment on the second floor was. She opened the door then carried Mattie up the stairs to the apartment. She pushed the door of the apartment open then walked over to the couch depositing the baby bag onto it before setting down with Mattie on the floor. Elsie dug through the baby bag pulling out the small yellow baby blanket that Laura had picked out for her and laid it down on the floor. From there she took out a diaper and then thrusted a baby bottle at me that one of the nurses at the hospital had made for me. Elsie laid Mattie down gently on top of the baby blanket. She then unclasped the bottom half of her yellow onesie that Laura also had picked out. I think Laura has an obsession with the color yellow to be honest, but Mattie does look pretty cute in it though. 

"Alright first off, make sure to check the diaper to make sure it doesn't need to be changed because otherwise she won't stop crying because it’s super uncomfortable for her," Elsie began as she lifted Mattie up and put a fresh diaper under her then opened up the one she was currently wearing. "If the diaper is clean then you don't have to worry about changing it and most likely she's just hungry." Elsie changed Mattie's diaper, rolled it up, then set it to the side before cleaning her up then closing the new diaper on her. "Warm that bottle up, but only for like ten seconds maybe fifteen depending on how warm it is." Elsie closed up Mattie's onesie then tickled her stomach and cooed at her before picking her up into her arms. "Give the bottle a minute or so after you heat it up because the microwave can be tricky when it comes to warming stuff up. Like the bottom could be warm while the top isn't, so shake it after you put the top on and cover the nipple opening so the milk doesn’t spray everywhere which by the way don't put the top on when you microwave it. Put it on after." Elsie stood with Mattie and began to bounce side to side with her as she began to fuss again. "Well what are you waiting for? Go warm up the bottle," Elsie demanded.

I frowned at her then went to the microwave. "I thought it was one or the other." I set the top to the bottle aside and set the microwave. I turned back to look at Elsie cooing at Mattie.

"Or it could be both. It’s not always just one or the other and even then it could be nothing other than her needing to be calmed down," Elsie said around a huff and rolled her eyes. She gazed back down at Mattie. "Your sister is a big pain in the butt," she whispered. 

"I heard that!" I pulled the bottle out of the microwave, put the top on it, shook it, then put it down for a moment before testing the temperature. I leaned back against the counter and watched Elsie coo and bounce with Mattie. "How do you even know so much about babies?" 

Elsie placed a kiss to Mattie's forehead. "Sometimes I was nothing more than just a glorified babysitter in the foster homes I stayed in, but I find babies to be calming so it worked better for me," she answered. 

I looked to Mattie seeing how her mouth hung open slightly. I turned to the bottle and tested the temperature of it then walked over to Elsie. "Here." I handed her the bottle and she tested the temperature herself before sitting down.

"You want to make sure you don't over feed her, so you have to watch her mouth as she drinks because she'll stop sucking at some point." Elsie tipped the bottle and began to feed Mattie who hungrily began to drink. "Poor Mattie. Your sister is so out of her league that she almost forgot to feed you," Elsie whispered. 

I frowned and crossed my arms. "I heard that." 

"That's the point," she replied with a smirk. 

I groaned then sat down next to her and Mattie. "What am I supposed to do? I don't know any of this stuff." 

"You'll get it. It just takes time and attention. She'll let you know everything. Plus, it's not like people who actually prepare to have kids are experts. They struggle a lot too."

I leaned my head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. "Do you really think I can do this?" 

"If I didn't I would probably be more of a dick to you."

I snapped my head up and glared at her. "Language," I scolded. 

She smirked. "Oh what would you do if her first word was dick or fuck or shit or-"

I covered her mouth with my hand. "I am never leaving you to babysit Mattie ever even if I end up sick in bed to the point I can't move I will not leave her with you. Kid will come back cussing like a sailor before she's even two." She licked the palm of my hand. "Ewww..." I said with disgust as I pulled my hand back and wiped it on my jeans.

"I think she'd be the coolest kid if that happened." 

I glared at her. "Elsie..." I warned.

She shrugged then rolled her eyes. "I'll try to watch my language, but I'm sure her first cuss word would be because of you." 

I chuckled and sat back contemplating it. "Yeah you might be right about that." 

"I tend to be." 

I ran my fingers through my hair as the only sound in the room was Mattie enjoying her bottle. After she was done Elsie showed me how to gently burp her then settled down more comfortably with her since we left the car seat downstairs. I pulled my phone out to check my messages, but saw nothing from Laura. I don't even know if she will ever talk to me again after the other day. She seemed so worn down and through with everything and everyone as well as sad about everything going on. I shouldn't have pushed her. I should have kept quiet and let her keep doing what she was doing even though I just wanted her to make a decision even though I was beginning to see that her wife was no good for her. I should've let it all go, but I would've been doing that for my own selfish reason as well since she would still be talking to me and I would still have a piece of her. 

I sighed and tucked my phone back into my pocket. I hope that Laura will eventually talk to me again, but right now I can't worry too much about her. I have Mattie to take care of now and she's already become my whole world.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I slid my cold hands into the coat pickets of my jacket as the music blared in my ears while I sat at my window sill looking up into the night sky. I pulled the blanket tighter around me to keep out the cold of the apartment. The heating should be turned on tomorrow so I'm not so cold anymore. LaF was nice enough to let me have their old apartment that they had been using as a storage place for all of their experiments and samples. They moved everything into their lab on campus and went about making sure all the pipes and electrical wires were back in their proper place. Perry made sure to bring me extra blankets until my heating could be turned on then started to bring in old furniture her mother wasn't using anymore. LaF let me keep the table in the kitchen after they had power washed it for good measure since they used to do experiments on it. 

My father brought over a new bed and I slowly started to fill my apartment with little things like curtains and book shelves and some random art work I like. It was all coming together and I can never be thankful enough towards my friends and dad for all of their help.

I looked down at my phone and skipped the next song then stared at my message icon. I haven't spoken to Danny nor Carmilla since the day I walked away from both of them. I'm sure they're worried about me in some way, but I can't bring myself to talk to them. I can't talk to Danny because I just sent her the divorce papers yesterday and I can't talk to Carmilla because I'm sure she's busy with Mattie now. I don't even know what I would say to either of them right now. Should I apologize again? Should I pretend that I didn't just set all of our worlds on fire? Should I talk to them about what I want from either of them? Should I even explain more to them about what happened or just leave it at where I had left things?   
I leaned my forehead against the cold window pane. I wish I knew what I should do, but I feel that whatever else I say at this point would just make things worse or awkward. 

My music cut off as my phone rang. I looked at the time to see that it was nearly two in the morning and that it was Carmilla who was calling right now. I stared at the phone as it rang. Should I answer it? I stared at it for a bit longer then pressed the button to answer the call. 

"Hey," I said unsurely.  

"Oh thank god," she said in relief. "I'm sorry but I didn't know who else to call at this time and I figured you'd still be awake. I mean I'm sure you'd want to get to sleep early, but I had to try. I mean Will is out of town for our company and Elsie has school in the morning and I'm not sure if JP actually knows what to do and I'm just out of ideas and don't know anyone else I can call," she rambled as the sounds of Mattie crying her little lungs out sounded in the background. 

I slid out of my warm cocoon and began to throw on a pair of sweats. "Is Mattie alright?" 

She gave me a watery chuckle as if she was on the verge of tears. "So you can hear her," she answered. 

I slipped my socks and shoes on then grabbed my keys off my night stand. "Have you changed her diaper?" 

"Yes."

"Fed her?"

"Yes."

"Burp her?" 

"Yes."

"Have you tried walking around with her or rocking her back to sleep?" 

She sighed dejectedly. "I've tried everything Laura. She just won't stop crying and I don't know what to do anymore. I tried the rocking chair, I tried bouncing her around a bit while walking around the apartment, I tried rubbing her tummy, and I tried talking to her, but nothing seems to be working. I don't know what to do. What do I do?" She choked back a sob as she grew more and more solemn. "I can't do this," she said defeated. 

"Hey don't say that. You can do this. You just need some help and you just need to have more patience." I ran down the stairs of my apartment then quickly made my way to my car. "I'll be there soon alright. Just take some deep breaths to calm down." 

I listened as she tried to calm Mattie down by cooing at her and asking her softly to calm down. "Please don't hang up on me," she begged and I could tell she was about to start crying if she wasn't already. 

"I won't hang up. I'm right here." I backed out of the parking lot and connected my phone to the Bluetooth headset then placed it in my ear. 

"Thank you. I'm so sorry Laura. I didn't want to call you. I tried to think of everything because I didn't want to bother you, but I couldn't. I can't do this." 

"It’s alright. We'll figure something out together," I said trying to calm her down. 

"I'm so sorry," she began to repeat over and over again. 

"Shhh...it’s OK. I told you I'd always be there for you and I still mean it despite everything that has happened between us." 

"Laura..." She whined. 

"Carm no. I mean it. I'm still your friend when you need me. Alright. I'm almost there ok."

"Ok," she said while sniffling.  

Mattie's cries echoed through the phone as Carm kept trying to calm her down. I drove as fast as I could while still trying not to get a speeding ticket then finally pulled up to the apartments. I parked my car, switched the call back to my phone, then made my way up the stairs to her apartment. I could hear Mattie's cries from down the hallway and saw a few doors open with people debating whether or not to come out and complain about the crying. I jogged past them ignoring how they peered around their door at me. 

"Carm I'm here. Open your door please," I whispered into the phone.

The door opened and Carm walked away from it to try to muffle the sound of Mattie's cries into the hallway. I stepped inside and closed the door as I tucked my phone into my pocket. I took a look at Carm and saw how frazzled and defeated she looked. Her hair was messed up to where it looked like she hasn't combed it in days instead of hours. Her eyes were red from having cried. Her voice was hoarse from talking to Mattie for a long period of time. Her arms looked as if they were going to give out the longer she held Mattie. She looked tired.

I stepped up to her and held out my arms. "May I?" 

"Please," she said exhaustedly and handed Mattie over to me. 

Mattie kept whaling and I soon began to bounce with her in my arms and cooing at her to try to calm her down. She merely cried even louder. I looked at her then glanced at Carm. She stared at me with wide scared eyes. I bit my lip debating whether or not to check Mattie's diaper again as well as try to feed her. I looked at Mattie and frowned a bit. Screw it. 

"How long ago did you change her diaper and try to feed her?" 

"I did both before I called you just in case." 

I nodded my head then went for the bottle sitting on the kitchen table. I tried to feed it to Mattie, but she was not interested. I sighed. "Ok so she is just being fussy then, but you have to stay calm and reassuring otherwise she won't calm down." 

I rocked from one foot to the other while humming softly to see if that would calm her down. After a while her cries started to ease up. I smiled and kept humming while beginning to pace around the room. I could feel Carm's eyes following me as I walked around the room and hummed softly. I looked down at Mattie to see her hands moving around while she tried to fight to keep crying. I stopped moving and began to hum a bit louder to get Mattie to hear it better and fall asleep. Her little legs kicked out and her tiny feet bumped against my arm as she fought sleep and began to cry again, but it wasn't so loud this time. She was a stubborn one for sure. Might end up as stubborn as Carm.

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky. In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life," Carm began to sing lowly as she came to stand behind me and look over my shoulder at Mattie. "I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you'll be." 

Mattie stopped wiggly around and began to settle in my arms. Carm placed a hand on my back as she leaned a bit further into me to stare down at Mattie and continue to sing to her. Slowly but surely Mattie began to fall into a deep sleep. She kicked out once more, but finally stilled as her breathing deepened and little snores came from her little adorable mouth. Carm kept singing for a little while longer just to make sure Mattie was deeply asleep and stayed that way. She finished off another line then stood still as she began to rub circles against my back. 

"Thank you," she whispered. 

I smiled. "You were the one singing not me." I turned to see the small loving smile on her face that she was directing to Mattie. 

"I wouldn't have known if you didn't come by to help, so thank you." She turned to look at me and our eyes met. 

She was a lot calmer now and her eyes were filled with love. I wasn't sure if it was because of me or Mattie. It may even be for the both of us. Either way it was intoxicating to stare into her dark brown eyes that seemed to almost fade into black in the darkened room. I caught my breath not having noticed I stopped breathing and took a step away from her. She blinked her eyes then nodded her head slightly in understanding. She removed her hand from my back then looked back at Mattie. 

"We should put her down so you can get back home."

"R-right," I stammered. 

She moved away from me and led the way to her room where we had decided to set the crib up after we had gone shopping that day. Her room was a lot cleaner now and she had a big space made up just for Mattie. I walked over to the crib and saw that there was a little chocolate brown teddy bear and the yellow pillow I had picked out for her. It was a smaller version of my own favorite yellow pillow, and yes maybe I was projecting my own favorite color and things onto her, but the idea of little Mattie sleeping on a yellow pillow curled up in a yellow blanket wearing a yellow onesie was just an image I couldn't pass up. She would definitely look super adorable. 

I lifted Mattie up a bit as I leaned down to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Goodnight little Mattie," I whispered. 

Carm bent down and placed a kiss on Mattie's forehead as well. "Goodnight little sister. I love you." She pulled back with a goofy grin on her face. 

I moved over to the crib and softly placed Mattie down then loosely tucked the blanket in around her. I looked down at her and couldn't help smiling at how adorable she looked in her little white onesie with her white and blue blanket and her little arms resting up by her head. I glanced up at Carmilla and she quickly adverted her gaze to Mattie. I ducked my head down shyly then stepped away from the crib. This really isn't my place. This is for Carm and Will. I walked out of the room and made my way to the living room. The sound of her footsteps behind me filled my body with tension in wonder of what was going to happen now. 

"Thank you for coming. I know I shouldn't have called you since what happened between us, but to be honest I really needed you and you were the first one I thought of to help me before I thought of everyone else," she confessed. 

I turned to look at her with regret for having left things the way I did and not even message her that I was at least alright and safe. "Its fine. I'm still your friend Carm and I will be here if you need me." 

She nodded her head with a semblance of understanding. "You're good with her." 

"I've had a lot of practice with babies. You just have to remember that even though she is tiny, she can feel your emotions and will respond to them. You have to stay calm and soothing and at least now we know singing and humming can calm her down." 

"Yeah." 

I went over to the door and pulled it open. She came up beside me and grabbed the door from my grasp. I stepped out into the hall and stared at her. "I mean it. If you need help just call or message me alright?" 

She leaned her head against the side of the door. "I will. Thank you for everything." 

I backed away slowly. "Have a good night Carm." I turned my back to her and took a step forward before she called my name. I turned to look at her. 

She stepped into the doorway and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm here too you know. If you need anything or just want to see how Mattie is doing, I'm right here. I'll always be right here for you when you need me, so don't think you can't talk to me about anything because I was your friend before and I'm still your friend now and I want to keep being your friend. Just talk to me when you need someone to listen." 

"I know," I answered. "I'll see you around." 

"Goodnight Laura."

"Goodnight Carmilla." 

I walked down the hallway feeling her eyes following me then exited down the staircase to my car. I know I can count on her to still be my friend and to be there to help me out, but knowing how she feels about me complicates things. How I feel about her complicates things and as much as I just want to cuddle up in her arms and let her make me feel better about everything I know I can't because she's part of everything I need to feel better about. I need to get myself together before I can even think about anything more meaningful with Carm. I need to get back to me before I can think of being in a relationship again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Carmilla sings to Mattie is Faith Hill-There You'll Be. (Yes I also listen to country music...mostly 90's though).


	17. Best Friend

**_Carmilla_ **

I sang softly to Mattie while pacing around my office trying to stay calm and confident like Laura told me to be last week. It seemed to be working since Mattie began to fall asleep a lot quicker whenever I took her into my arms and sang to her. Will was finally going to be coming back and he was going to take her for a while so she could get used to him. He was nervous about being left alone with her, but I made a quick list of songs that seemed to be her favorite to listen to and got her to sleep easy enough. Of course I let JP and Elsie know I was going to be coming in during the afternoon for the next week or two just in case Will ends up calling me in the middle of the night for help. I offered to stay with him the first night or two to help him adjust, but he stubbornly said he wanted to do it himself. He'll probably call me early in the morning stressed out about not being able to get her to sleep. 

"Looks like you don't need any more help," Elsie said from the doorway. 

I turned to look at her glad that Mattie had fallen asleep. "Yeah. I'm starting to get the hang of things now. Besides, it helps that she has a different cry for when she wants something." 

"Enjoy it now because when she starts being able to say 'no' she's really going to try your patience."

"Let's just get past her being a baby before we get to the other things." 

Elsie shrugged. "Sure boss." 

"How are things going with you when you're not here?" 

"Fine. I applied for some scholarships and am waiting to hear back to see if I got them or not."

"That's good. Did JP help you out with any of that?" 

"Yeah he said you asked him to help if I needed it, so thanks."

I walked over to her and poked her forehead. She swatted my hand away. "Anytime kid." I moved to lay Mattie back down in her car seat. 

"So how's Laura?" She asked trying to sound casual. 

I covered Mattie up with her blanket then kissed her forehead while trying to stall for time. "Why do you ask?" I turned to face her questioningly. 

She shrugged then slid her hands into her back pockets. "Well I saw her run out of here last week and saw you chase after her, so I was wondering what was going on there." 

I glanced down at the floor then leaned back against my desk gripping the edge of it. "I was hoping no one I knew saw that."

"Well JP and I were just on the second floor, so hearing you yell isn't a hard task to accomplish." 

I scratched my forehead with my thumb nail then ran my fingers through my hair. "We're in a strange place right now and I may have pushed her too hard last week." 

"Meaning what exactly?" She fished for an answer. 

I sighed and gripped the edge if my desk tighter. "Meaning I pointed out that her marriage was crumbling and that I wanted to be with her." 

Her eyes widened in shock while she sucked in a large breath. "Damn." I glared at her for her language. "Oh come on you have to give me that one," she defended. 

"Fine," I conceded. 

She scratched her head then folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the doorway. "So have you talked to her?" 

"Not about that. I called her last week to help me with Mattie since I couldn't get her to sleep. I haven't seen her since, but she's asked about how Mattie's doing at least." 

She nodded her head. "She'll always be worried about Mattie since you called for help." 

"I don't think so." 

She half smiled. "Trust me I know. She used to take care of me remember? And she doesn't know that I know she called my case worker every month to see how I was doing even after she moved."

I smiled. "She has a good heart."

"She really does, but what are you going to do about your feelings for her?" 

"I'm not worried about that right now; besides its none of your business." 

She quirked an eyebrow up at me. "Two people I care about, and yes I am admitting that I care about you and that I'm not a robot who only knows the language of sarcasm and anger, love each other and you don't think it has anything to do with me?" 

"That's exactly what I'm saying." I stared at her caringly. "This isn't your mess to fix or feel that you have to fix or get involved in. Whatever happens will happen and there's nothing you can do about it. We're both adults and we'll handle it in the best way possible. You just need to worry about graduating and then getting ready to start college."

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "I just don't like the idea of both of you being miserable." 

I stood up straight and walked over to her. I stood in front of her and waited for her to look up at me. "I'm far from being miserable.  I won't lie and say that it doesn't hurt that I haven't heard from her about us, but I also know that things aren't easy and that it takes time. I know for sure that whatever happens I won't be miserable, but I also won't be overjoyed about it either. I have other reasons to be happy and at peace with my life. I have you and JP and I have Will and Mattie. For me that's enough even if I want Laura to be in my life, all of you will always be enough and more." 

She nodded her head and blinked rapidly trying to fight away tears. "I guess I can understand that." 

I frowned slightly at her as I watched conflicting emotions flash across her face. "What's wrong?" 

She shook her head. "Nothing. I just wish you two could get together because you would be good for each other," she said wearily. 

"That's only half true, so what's the other half?" I gently prompted. 

She shrugged her shoulders and stared down at the ground. "Nothing." 

I thought for a moment on what I said until it finally clicked as to what could be wrong. I lifted her chin so that she was looking at me again. "Elsie, you are important to me and I do care about you. I want you to know that just because you're older doesn't mean you're undeserving of love. I want you to know that just because all of your other foster families turned their backs on you over the years doesn't mean I will do the same. I care and I'm happy that I had the opportunity to be a part of your life and I will always want to be a part of your life in any way you will have me. You're my family and I'll do anything to protect you and be there when you need me. You always have me and you are more than enough for me. You will always be more than enough for me," I said with conviction to let her know I meant every word. 

She sucked in a ragged breath as the tears she was fighting to hold in finally slipped out and began to run down her cheeks. We never talk about her life and the many foster families that sent her back…at least not in too much detail. I respected her decision to not talk about it because I wanted her to understand that I didn't make the decision to foster her and give her her own space in the apartment above the shop with JP because I felt sorry for her, but because I genuinely do care for her. I pulled her into a hug as more tears followed and her breathing became more labored as she tried to keep herself from loudly sobbing. She wrapped her arms around me and clutched the back of my shirt. She felt so small in my arms as if she was just a small child and I guess in some ways she still is. She may like to act as if she's older than she really is; fiercely independent and unapologetic about who she is, but she's still only a child who just wants someone to tell her that she's wanted. She's a child who wants someone to tell her that she is more than enough and more than deserving of their love even though at this moment I don't think she would be receptive to hearing me say that I love her. I don't think she's ready for that right now, but maybe someday. 

She pulled away once she started to hiccup from all of her crying. She wiped her eyes then took a step back. "I'm going to go stock some more books."

"Alright." 

She backed out of the office then quickly walked off to the back of the store. I watched her go knowing that she needed some time and space to herself. I rubbed my own eyes and held my breath for a moment to get my own emotions under control before I also start crying. Mattie's little whimpers cut through the silence forcing me to compose myself quicker to take care of her. 

I picked Mattie up into my arms and held her close. "It’s OK. Everything will be alright,” I said knowing full well that eventually everything will settle down and things will be alright in their own way. 

 

 

 

 

 

I looked up at the sound of soft knocking and saw JP standing there looking concerned. "Come in," I said wondering what it is that has him looking that way. 

He took the seat across from me then quickly looked over at Mattie who was sleeping soundly once again. "Just wanted to check in on you," he started off. 

I pulled my glasses off and set them on the desk. "I'm doing alright. Why do you ask?" 

He tilted his head side to side. "I might have eavesdropped on your conversation with Elsie and then heard her slam the door to her room followed by the sound of more crying," I explained. 

"Thanks for jumping in to help," I said sarcastically. 

He shrugged. "It wasn't a moment that needed my involvement," he simply answered. 

I sat back in my chair. "I guess you're right." 

He nodded his head. "She's fine by the way. Made her some lunch and now she's napping thanks to all the crying." 

"Thank you." 

He waved it off. "She's family," he replied honestly. 

I nodded my head and hummed in agreement. "That's not all is it?" I asked recognizing quickly that there was more he wanted to say. 

He gave me a small guilty smile and sat back in his chair. "Why didn't you tell me about your feelings for that Laura woman?" 

I stiffened. "I didn't know I had to check in with you about my love life," I said with a bit of bite. 

He shook his head. "I didn't mean it in that way and you know it," he said leveling me with a glare.  "I just mean that you've talked to me about everything that has ever happened between you and everyone else you've dated in the past six years I've known you, but you haven't said a word about what's been going on with you and this Laura person." 

I sighed. "I don't have to tell you everything," I defended. 

"But you have before," he countered. 

I looked down at my desk and stayed silent. He's right. I have always gone to him with my problems, but I never talked to him about Laura. If she hadn't have come by for lunch that day, he probably wouldn't have known she existed. I don't know why I never told him or mentioned her to him. I just don't know.   
"I'm sorry. I'm not going to pretend or make something up about why I never said anything because I don't know why I never said anything. I just didn't and I'm sorry if it made you feel that I didn't trust you or that I don't consider you as my friend."

He nodded his head then crossed his legs. "I'll admit that I'm being harsh toward you right now and I'm sorry. There's no excuse for it, but I do want you to know that I'm still your friend and I still want to make sure that you're alright and that I'm always here if you want someone to just listen to you." 

I nodded my head then tilted it back to stare at my ceiling. "I don't know what to do?" 

"What do you want to do?" 

I swiveled my chair from side-to-side. "I want to text her all day just to let her know I understand she needs time and that I'm here when she's ready. I want to text her all day and ask if there's still a chance for us. I want to text her all day and ask if she still wants me in her life. I want to beg her to talk to me, to let me in, to let me be there for her, to let me love her, but I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't do any of that because I love her and I don't want her to feel like I'm pushing or pressuring her into something she might not even want anymore." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I just wish I could go back to being able to watch Buffy with her late at night under the stars while bundled up in blankets and sharing popcorn or cookies. I want to be able to talk to her about what's bothering me and knowing she won't judge me for my decisions or invalidate my feelings. I want to go back to her knowing when I need a hug because I'm not feeling well. I want to go back to our comfortable silences or sharing our favorite songs with one another. I just want to go back to when things were simple."

"You want her to be your friend again," he summed up. 

I opened my eyes and lifted my head to stare at him. "I do. I really do." 

"Then why not tell her that?"

I huffed and shook my head. "I doubt she'll believe it plus I don't know if I could trust myself to stay platonic." 

"If you're sincere with her and like you said, don't push her or pressure her, I'm sure she'll like having you back as a close friend again. Besides, I'm sure you can keep things platonic." 

I stopped swiveling my chair and cocked my eyebrow up at him. "How can you be so confident about that?" 

"Because I know that you wouldn't do anything to hurt the people you care about and you know that trying to be anything more than her friend will hurt her right now," he answered with his smug confidence that only he could pull off. 

I bit my lip and shook my head. "You sure you want to be a scientist and not a psychologist?" 

He laughed. "No thanks. I have my hands full with you and your problems already," he joked.

"Jerk," I responded with a laugh. 

He shrugged and uncrossed his legs to lower himself into his chair more. "I still think you should reach out to her though and just put it out there that you don't expect anything from her, but that you do want to be close friends again where you watch Buffy and listen to music. Let her know that you miss your best friend and that you just want that from her."

"What if she doesn't want that?" 

He shrugged again. "It’s what she wants. The only thing you can do is put the offer out there and hopefully she valued your friendship as much as you did, or more accurately put, still do. If she's the person you know her to be, she's probably missing that friendship as much as you and it might take a bit more time, but she may just accept the offer. You just have to have faith in how much you know her." I bit my lip and he leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "Nothing is ever perfect and being afraid that it isn't is alright. Sometimes you have to be afraid in order to know that it’s worth it, but as cliché as it sounds it is correct, you can't let fear stop you from going after what you want and if in the end it crashes and burns than at least you went for it and can say you tried," he comforted. 

I released my lip and ran my fingers through my hair. I nodded my head. "I'll give it a try." 

"That's all you can do." He stood up and stretched out his back then slipped his hands in his pockets.

"You always have me when you need me."

"Thank you." 

"Anytime." He smiled then walked out while whistling tunelessly. 

I shook my head at his antics, but he is right. I miss my friend more than anything and if it means having to put myself out there to Laura and having her understand that I just really want my friend back right now then I'll do whatever I have to to get her to understand that. I love her and probably will for a long time coming, but I love my friendship with her more. I want that back at least and everything else can just fall where they may because this week has been hell without her support.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I crisscrossed my legs on top of the bench and leaned my elbows on my knees letting my hands dangle freely as I stared at the art piece in front of me. It was painted in bright yellows with splatters of red and green along with strokes of purples and swirls of orange. It was just thrown onto the canvas, but in looking at the layers and the parts where the colors mixed together you can tell where the artist started and what color they chose first. The description says the artist spent six months working on this piece that most would just say was a bunch of paint thrown on a canvas and was only worth anything because of the name, but the thing to understand is that a lot of things can change in six months.

This artist started off with the strokes of yellow having started off with trying to paint the whole canvas with that color, but midway they stopped. From there you can pick up the spots of red that dripped onto it as if the artist just needed to get the feeling of red out of their system; to just let it drip until they couldn't feel it anymore. The green was added after in what seems to be an attempt to connect everything. Splatters here and there reaching out to grasp onto something. Purple came in next with sure strokes as if the person finally found the support they needed and after everything they finally found their little swirls of orange. Hopefully the small swirls turn into something more grand. 

"Only you could file for divorce and walk away from a woman you're falling in love with to sit here in a gallery of paintings made by local artist," Betty's teasing voice sounded from next to me as her purse plunked down followed by her. She leaned back on her hands and looked at the same painting. 

"I'm going to a rave later if you want to join me," I joked. 

She chuckled and shook her head. "Don't give me hope that you're a normal person," she shot back.

"When I find someone normal I'll let you know," I playfully bit back. 

She tilted her head and looked at the painting. "What do you even see?" 

"Someone was once happy then they were angry. They tried finding some peace between the two and they found some support and a way back to being independent again. Finally, they were able to find some semblance of happiness again; different from the beginning, but happy nonetheless."

She titled her head to the other side. "You got all of that from those splatters of paint?" 

"Every surface has a story; you just have to let it tell you." 

"So what color are you?" 

I stared at the painting for a bit longer. "Green." She hummed then stayed silent for a moment. 

I'm green. I've been painting yellow from the beginning with Danny just living in the happiness we once had, but along the way red has been dripping until I finally noticed that it was just a constant river of anger and insecurity. Now I'm just green. I'm just trying to find my sliver of peace between my past happiness and recent knowledge of anger. I'm trying to find something to ground me so I can move forward. It starts with having good friends like LaF and Betty who are one hundred percent on my cheer leading squad. They're my loyal purple who are helping me through all this without judgment. Perry is good too, but she's more about being fair and reasonable and even though I need that too, right now I can't acknowledge it. Maybe when I start to paint some orange into my life, start to get back to being happy again, I'll need her more than ever to remind me of what the definition of reasonable is. Yet in all of this there is the wild blue that shows up like waves calmly always being swirled and woven in through all the colors.

Carmilla. 

She's been my blue from the very beginning. She's been a source of stability for me as well as someone I could trust and have faith will be there for me when I need her. I need her right now, but not in the "I love you" capacity, but in the "my friend" one. I miss my friend. 

"What's next?" Betty asked pulling me out of my thoughts. 

"I'm not sure, but I probably won't have to wait long to find out."

"Well there's always that rave you were talking about a moment ago," she joked. 

I smiled for the first time this past week. "I'm sure you'd love to just document that for your own amusement."

"Well I do enjoy a good laugh," she sassed. 

I shook my head and looked at her. "Sorry to disappoint, but the tickets were sold out."

"Darn," she said in mock disappointment. She shrugged then nudged my shoulder with hers. "Guess that means you get to enjoy dinner with me tonight at my mother's place." 

I quirked my eyebrow up at her. "And listen to her talk about how you need to find someone and settle down? Now where else would I rather be?" I sassed. 

She rolled her eyes. "Okay so maybe not dinner with my mother then. I'll just have to tell her the disappointing news," she said with feigned sadness. 

"I'm sure you're just heartbroken," I said while rolling my eyes. 

She laughed and shook her head while texting her mother. "Now that I've gotten out of my dinner plans with my mother, we should get lunch and you can tell me all about how much you love Carmilla Karnstein," she said lengthening out the word "love." 

"And what makes you think I love Carmilla?" I asked defensively. 

She placed her hands on her hips and cocked her eyebrow at me with the words "are you serious right now?" conveyed clearly. "You forget I sit in the desk right next to you and your flashing phone and very expressive face," she said as if it was obvious knowledge. 

"Was I really that obvious?" I asked insecurely. 

"Well yes plus I'm a journalist just like you and enjoy getting to the bottom of a good story."

I groaned and swooped my hair out of my face. "Sometimes I wish I didn't work with very observant people." 

"What's the name of the person I'm currently seeing?" She asked randomly. 

"Some girl named Mal," I answered quickly then stopped looking up to stare at her with wide eyes. 

"Exactly." She bopped the end of my nose with her finger. "We can't help following a good story." She winked and led me out of the gallery. 

I tilted my head back and groaned in frustration of having been proven that I'm just as nosey as everyone else. "Darn my investigative journalist skills!" 

She laughed then threw her arm around my shoulder. "Don't curse it too much. You might need it more now since you applied to start going out into the field more." 

"Of course you would know that," I grumbled. 

"Yes now put that aside and talk to me about Carmilla." 

I groaned loudly causing people to turn and stare at us. "What exactly do you want to know?" 

"Are you going to start dating her now that you're single?" 

"Danny hasn't even signed the divorce papers yet, so technically I'm still married." 

"Yes technically," she said waving it off. "Now let's get back to reality. Is that a yes or no?" 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm getting divorced," I said as the most obvious answer in the world. 

"Ok put the divorce to the side and tell me if you weren't married and Danny was just a girlfriend you broke up with and Carmilla was the girl you fell for before leaving Danny, would you date her now?" 

"Well that's a mouthful of a hypothetical," I answered. 

She tugged my arm exasperated. "Laaaaauuura," she drawled out. 

I sighed. "Fine. If that was the case the answer would still be no because I don't want to jump into a relationship before I'm fully done with my current one." 

"But are you still thinking about it as a possibility?" 

I looked down at the ground watching my feet move one foot in front of the other. "Yes," I replied honestly.

"So what do you want from her right now because I've seen you text her a bit here and there this past week since you told me what happened with Danny, but you're hesitating while doing it." 

"Your investigative skills haven't worked that out yet?" 

"Yes, but I think you need to say the words out loud and just put it out there to be acknowledged." 

I stuffed my hands into my coat pockets and buried my nose and mouth into my scarf to buy some time as well as get warm. She pulled me along comfortable with giving me my space. "She said she wanted to be with me while I admitted that I fell in love with her," I spoke up finally only loud enough for her the hear. "And right now I don't want either of that. I don't want her to want to be with me or to say the three-word sentence I know she feels and I don't want to be in love with her right now. I just want my friend back. I want the easiness of talking to her and her reassuring me. I miss her making sure I ate dinner and stealing my cookies because she wants me to be healthy, but at the same time is totally being a walking paradox since she sits there eating my cookies while I eat whatever she cooks. I miss her grumbling and fighting the urge to make fun of my favorite shows as I force her to watch yet another episode with me even though the last episode was supposed to be the last one for the night." We stopped in front of the diner and I scuffed the tip of my shoe against the side walk. "I just want to have the time to be me without there having to be me in a relationship with someone. I just want it to be me hanging out with my friends who are just completely and utterly just that; my friends." I looked up at her. "Is that too much to ask for?" 

She smiles and shakes her head. "I think I've met someone normal before you did," she joked. "But no. You have every right to sit in museums and analyze art or go dancing and drinking. You have every right to binge Netflix with your friends or to sit alone in your new apartment and eat tubs of ice cream while crying. You have every right to be just who you are."

"But..." I said knowing there wasn't an end to her rant. 

She smirked at my willingness to admit there was more to what she had to say. "But that doesn't mean she doesn't miss her friend right now either. She has a baby sister more than two decades younger than her that her and her brother have to raise with no other support system because everyone in her family is dead. I'm sure she has friends who are more than willing to help out when they can, but from the way you sounded, their friendship with her probably doesn't sound as solid as yours does." She pulled me back from the entrance so I wouldn't get hit with the door. "Look, sometimes being in love with your best friend sucks especially when they most likely are in love with you too, but when you're both living in the wrong time for these feelings sometimes falling back on that friendship you started out with may do more good than harm because you were friends first before falling in love came in. And yes I say falling in love because you can love your friend without being in love with your friend, but that's beside the point right now," she said trying to get back on track. "What I'm saying is that it’s not wrong to miss your friend when you're in love with them. It just becomes the matter of deciding whether or not continuing your friendship is more important and beneficial for you right now and not just for you, but for her too. You may live in that awkward friends but more than friends space in the beginning when you start to hang out again, but put that aside and things will just flow the way they should, so long as you're both on the same page as to what you want right now in this moment. Not tomorrow, not the next day, or week, or year, but right now. What is it you want right now?"  

I blinked back the tears that had begun to build up. "I want my friend." 

She nudged my shoulder comfortingly. "One step at a time." 

I nodded my head. "Thank you," I said sincerely. 

"It's what friends do." She tugged slightly on my arm. "Now come on. I'm starving and there's a concert I think we should get tickets for for next weekend." I smiled and let her drag me into the diner. Count on Betty to change the subject at the speed of light. 

But she's ultimately right. Right now is about me and the me right now just wants to lay around my apartment eating popcorn and cookies with Carmilla, my best friend. No mess or fuss about being in love with her or her wanting to be with me. Just us two with her trying to get me to eat some form of vegetable or fruit because only eating sweets is not healthy. Just us two spending time together in silence where I write my articles while she listens to music then she proofreads my articles while I listen to music. Where we both can just sit there doing our own thing without feeling like we have to fill the silence with something. That's what the me now wants and hopefully she does too. 

 

 

 

 

 

I leaned my hair over one shoulder and began to dry it with the towel as my phone vibrated on my bed. I glanced over to it to see Carmilla's name across my screen. I pulled my hair back and hastily braided it as quickly as possible into an over the shoulder braid then bit down on my lip as I stared at my phone. I pressed my thumbnail to my lips, not biting it since I haven't done that in years, but finding some comfort in the act of just having the nail pressed against my lips. I reached out grabbing my phone and took a deep breath. My finger hovered over the lock screen. I scratched the back of my calf with my other foot. I unlocked my screen and pulled open the message she sent me. 

**Carmilla [8:45 PM]: I miss my friend**

I let out the breath I was holding and reread those four words over and over again. I blinked back the tears beginning to form all over again and couldn't help but laugh. I shook my head as I looked down at my phone. Yeah I can always trust in my blue especially since this week has been a rollercoaster of things I’ve been struggling to deal with on my own and just wanting to be comforted and pulled out of the reality of it all for a bit. I wiped away the tears that escaped my eyes and pulled up my keyboard. 

**Me [8:52 PM]: I miss my friend too.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it has been a very long time since I last posted which I do apologize for. I've been in a mental and emotional slump recently and I also have been busy with graduation, currently dealing with bronchitis, and just trying to get back into writing again. Hopefully I won't fall off the face of the earth for so long along. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed these two chapters and as always you can reach me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com anytime for anything :)


	18. Seeing You Again

**_Laura_ **

I tapped my fingers against the wooden table as I stared out the big window pane to the sidewalk and the people walking about. The doorbell chimed as people walked in for the afternoon lunch rush filling the place up with more people. Thankfully I had the right state of mind to show up early to snag a booth off to the side so there was some privacy, but was still public enough to not feel awkward. Although meeting with Carmilla under any circumstance is awkward considering everything. No. I'm not going to think about that. That's not what this is about. This is about meeting with my friend and getting that relationship back again. This is about having my best friend again because I've missed her so much. 

I startled a bit at the hand that placed itself softly on the table in my line of sight. I looked up to see Carmilla.

"Hey," she said unsurely with a worried smile on her face. 

I took a deep breath and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "Hi." She kept her uncertain gaze on me as she stood there. She was waiting for me to say it was okay for her to stay. "Please sit," I answered her gaze and her shoulders seemed to let up some tension she was holding. 

"I hope I'm not late," she began as she tossed her jacket to the side and sat down. 

"Not at all. I just came early to make sure we got a table since it’s the lunch rush." 

She looked around taking in everyone around us as if she had only just acknowledged that there were other people besides us here. "Right. Good thinking."  

I placed my hands in my lap to hide my fidgeting. "How's Mattie doing since I last saw her?" I asked picking a safe subject. 

A bright smile plastered her face. "She's doing great. Will had a difficult time with her since she doesn't know him yet, but he sang some of her favorite songs and finally got her to sleep for him last night." 

I smiled remembering how Mattie responded to Carmilla's smooth yet slightly raspy singing voice. "That's good to hear. Hopefully things become easier for him once she gets used to him." 

"Yeah hopefully." Her smile was still large and shinning, but it slowly started to fade as we sat there in awkward silence. 

I began to twist my fingers around in my lap and I could hear the sound of her foot tapping against the floor underneath the table. Her hands were folded calmly on the table, but her shoulders were tense again. "H-how's Elsie doing?" I asked to get another topic out there. 

She looked at me knowingly, but obliged me anyway. "She's doing alright. She applied for some scholarships and JP helped her edit the essays for them, so she's just waiting to hear back to see which ones she got." 

I nodded my head for lack of anything better to do. "That's good to hear. I'm sure she'll get something." 

She hummed and looked down at her hands. "I'm sure she will, but I am more than willing to pay for her to go to school." 

"She won't accept it." 

She sighed and nodded her head solemnly. "I'm aware of that." 

Taking in her deflated shoulders and how she flattened her hands against the table before pulling them back into her lap, I opened my mouth to comfort her. "I-I can talk to her and see if I can convince her to let you help her." 

She looked at me with hopeful eyes. "I don't know." 

"It doesn't hurt to try." 

She tilted her head to the side. "Yeah." 

The waiter chose then to come to our table to get our drink orders which was great because I needed time to compose myself. This was a lot harder than I expected it was going to be, but if I'm being honest I sort of knew this might turn into a disaster. There was no way it wouldn’t since we are both painfully aware of how much we love one another. 

The waiter left us to ourselves and Carmilla was more than eager to grab the menu and begin to look through it. I stared at her for a moment debating whether or not to say anything. I opted to grab my own menu and look through it. The tension began to build between us the longer we stayed silent. I could feel her eyes every few seconds glance up at me. I glanced at her as well not sure where to go with this. The tapping of her foot started again as she bit her bottom lip. I set my menu down and began to fidget with my hands once more. I stared a hole into my menu as the silence became thicker and the sound of the people talking around us wasn't enough to cut the tension. It actually was making everything worse since all I can think about is how easy it is for everyone else to be talking to one another while we're both sitting here letting the silence suffocate us. 

The waiter finally came back and she gave me a questionable and pitying gaze as she looked form me to Carmilla. Somehow I think she only came back so soon was because she was trying to save us from drowning which if so, I'm definitely leaving her a great tip because she gave us some reprieve. She took down our orders then rushed away to put them in. 

I glanced back at Carmilla who was now picking at the ends if her sleeves while avoiding my gaze completely. Her foot began tapping a lot faster as the seconds ticked by and I wanted to say something, anything. I looked out the window for a moment to collect my bearings. _Just girl the hell up and say something_. I chastised myself. I looked back to Carmilla quickly catching her off guard as she had been staring at me. She instantly looked away to stare at the table, the people around us, and everything else that wasn't me. This was just painful. 

"How's your business going?" I asked already regretting my subject of choice. _Nice going Laura_.

She sat up a bit. "The bookstore is fine as usual and Will is venturing into acquiring a new product for our company from our branch in Spain, so that's going to be taking up a lot of time because of contracts and what not." 

"That's good to hear," I replied. She nodded her head and began to look around again. 

I tried my best to contain my sigh. This is a disaster. Like nine circles of hell disaster. I looked over to where the food was coming out in hopes that maybe we would get ours super-fast so we can just focus on eating instead of sitting here in silence. Maybe the waiter took pity on us and pushed our food to the head of the line. I mean one can only hope right? 

I looked back at Carmilla and saw her picking at the ends of her sleeves again. She was staring at them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world right now. I glanced out the window for lack of anything else to look at or say. I can't really think of any other topic we could talk about that would actually be a conversation and not something that would end two sentences later, but there isn't much because a lot of what we talked about before were personal things about each other and then the things we had started to share with one another like movies and TV shows. I felt safe and comfortable to share everything with her no matter how mundane it seemed and it felt like she was alright with doing the same as well. Now it just seems like if we share anything personal that we will be crossing a line that we've already crossed by telling each other our true feelings, but anything from this point on seems like we're going over that damn cliff to fall into something even deeper than that. 

I turned my gaze back to Carmilla who was now sitting back and had her phone in her hand. She was scrolling through something on her phone and I can't really blame her for it. I can't expect her to want to sit there picking at her shirt sleeves and tapping her foot in silence. I was beginning to itch to grab my phone as well just to have something to occupy myself with while we waited for the food since talking wasn't something that was going to be happening right now. Then again, maybe I should girl the hell up and just address the big elephant sitting on the table. Better to rip the band aid off and deal with the stinging pain after then to sit here slowly picking at it. I took a steadying breath then looked at her. 

"I love you," I said and her phone slipped from her fingers and clattered to the floor. 

"W-what?" She stammered out. 

I clasped my hands together and glanced at them real quick before meeting her gaze again. "I love you and I can't take back those three words so we can go back to how things were because those three words changed everything and always will, but I miss my best friend and I want her back." 

She stared at me stunned for a bit longer then cleared her throat and moved out of the booth to pick her phone up. She sat down and placed her phone on the table before running her fingers through her hair. She clasped her hands together with her elbows on the table and pressed her lips against her hands as she stared at me for a long moment in thought. The sound of her foot tapping filled the silence between us as I waited for her to say something. Finally, she pulled back from her hands and laid them flat against the table top while leaning back against her seat. 

"I love you too and you're right that we can't take that back, but that doesn't matter to me right now and it didn't matter when I finally got the courage to message you. I miss my best friend too and that's all I want right now because when I start to lose my mind from taking care of Mattie or from anything else that might come up, I want to be able to call my best friend and vent about all of my frustrations and anger or just escape to your place or you come to mine and just forget about everything that was weighing on me at the time. I don't want or need anything else from you other than your friendship right now."

I nodded my head. "It’s the same for me." 

She leaned forward and rested her cheek in the palm of her hand. "So where do we go from here?"

I glanced over to see the waiter coming over with our food. I tilted my head to the side then looked back to Carmilla. "I have an idea, but it requires our food to be a to-go thing and you following me in your car." 

She quirked her eyebrow up at me. "What are you thinking?" 

I smiled as the waiter stood in front of our table with our food. "You'll see." 

 

 

 

 

 

I unlocked my apartment door and opened it up to let her in. "Welcome to my apartment," I said as if I was a tour guide. 

She stepped into my apartment and surveyed the open concept of the living room, kitchen, and small dining area. "Not bad." 

"Thank you." I closed and locked the door behind me then slipped my coat off and hung it up on the coat rack next to the door. "Down the hall are the two bedrooms, the main bathroom is the first door to the left, and of course there's another bathroom in my room which is the last door down the hall in case of anything." 

She glanced down the hall then turned to me. I reached out and grabbed her bag of food. "How did you find this so quickly?" She asked as she slipped her coat off and hung it up. 

"It was LaFontaine's apartment that they ended up using as a lab and storage area. They were glad to let me move in and Perry was even more happy to finally have them give the apartment up to work in a safer and controlled environment where there were rules they had to follow." 

Carmilla smiled at that as she grabbed her bag of food from my grasp. "Yeah I can see Perry being over the moon about being able to finally have LaFontaine locked up in a lab where they have to be safe no matter what now." 

"Uh huh, but as lovely as my apartment is, that's not why we're here." I went over to the couch grabbing the blanket I kept folded on top of it and my laptop that was sitting on my coffee table. "Follow me." 

She followed me to the windows that overlooked the living room and I pushed one of them open slipping through it onto the fire escape. I set my food, blanket, and laptop down and waited for her to crawl through the window to stand on the fire escape with me. A laugh escaped her as her face broke out into the widest smile I have seen on her in a long while. 

I threw my arms out wide. "So?" I asked cheerily. 

She smiled brightly and shook with more laughter as she stood there. She composed herself and set her food down. "I like it and the view is better for sure." 

I put my hands on my hips and smiled. "So what do you want to watch first? We still a have a few episodes of Buffy to finish in season five or we can start watching the sixth Doctor." 

She sat down beside me pulling her food closer to her and reached for my laptop while I opened up the blanket and draped it over our laps. "I was thinking we start this new show I've been meaning to watch since JP mentioned it a while back during season one." 

"What show is it?" 

"It's called Person of Interest." She pulled up my Netflix and searched for the title. 

"Oh! I've heard of it before! I didn't want to start it yet until the fourth season was done so I could binge watch it all and catch up." 

She leaned back setting the laptop down in front of us. "Yeah I just forgot the title until JP mentioned it again recently and it’s been on my unofficial list of shows I wanted to watch." 

"You mean the list that doesn't exist because you never write down the titles and completely forget about them until years later?" 

"Yes that one." She got comfortable next to me as the first episode loaded up. She also pulled her phone out of her pocket making sure the ringer was on then set it down by the laptop. 

"Waiting for a call?" 

"Just in case Will ends up having a meltdown with Mattie." 

I nodded my head. "Right. Does he have meltdowns often?" 

She held her finger up asking for a moment while she chewed her food. "As of right now he's stuck to texting me his meltdowns, but it is only the second day he's been alone with her so we still have time to see if he calls me." 

I smiled. "I bet he won't call until about two maybe three in the morning tonight." 

She looked at me with a teasing smile. "You willing to put money down on that?" 

I sat up and matched her smile with my own. "Twenty bucks says he calls early in the morning." 

"And twenty says he'll call before midnight." 

I held my hand out. "You're on." 

She took my hand and shook it to confirm the bet. "I'm not even going to feel bad for taking your money." 

"The feeling is mutual." I grabbed my plate of food bringing it closer to my mouth then focused back on the episode that was playing. 

It wasn't long into the episode that Carmilla spoke again. "This was a good idea by the way," she said softly. 

I looked to her and saw her picking at her food a bit unsure of whether or not she made the right decision to say anything. I looked down at my own food. "I just thought that maybe since our friendship started because we hung out on the fire escape that maybe coming to mine instead of our original one would be a good way to start off on a new foot and be comfortable around each other." 

She hummed in agreeance then looked at me with a smirk. "Well you were right. This feels right." 

I smiled and bumped her shoulder with mine. "It really does." 

She smiled back and bumped my shoulder before going back to watching the episode. This was a good idea. It was a gamble that this might work for us since this is how our friendship first started, so I'm glad it actually worked. This is right. This feels like us. This is our comfort. This is our safe space.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I laid on my bed with my phone resting on my chest while I held the book up over my face to read. When I finished off the chapter I was working on for the last ten minutes because I couldn’t concentrate for the life of me, I set my book down then looked over to Mattie's crib. It feels weird to not have her lying in there with her little stuffed bear and her hands held up by her head while tucked in under her little white blanket. Even her little yellow pillow looked forgotten in her crib when I peered into it earlier. The whole crib looks forgotten. It’s a weird empty feeling to not have Mattie messing up my sleep or for me to sing her to sleep after changing her diaper and feeding her a bit if she was hungry. It’s an empty feeling of not having my baby sister near me and its saddening. I miss her. I miss her little soft tuft of black hair and the sound of her cries. No one said how attached I'd become. 

My phone vibrated on top of my chest and I pulled it up to my line of sight to read it. It was a message from Will. I clicked on it to pull up the message, but a call came in just before I got a chance. I bolted up into a sitting position and quickly answered the phone. 

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly hearing Mattie wailing on the other end of the phone. 

_"She won't stop crying. I've done everything and I've sung every song on that da...dang list you gave me and she still won't settle down. I don't know what I'm doing,"_ Will said frustrated. 

"Alright. Just try staying calm because she can pick up on your mood and try singing to her again. I'll call you when I'm outside your apartment." 

_"Thanks. See you soon."_  

"See ya." 

I hung up my phone and rolled off my bed to put on a pair of sweats and my leather jacket over my tank top to keep out the cold. I shoved my stuff in my pockets, but pulled my phone back out remembering the bet I made with Laura during lunch. I checked the time and groaned. _Dammit!!!_ I unlocked my phone and pulled up my messages to Laura. 

**Me [2:30 AM]: Looks like I owe you $20**

**Laura [2:35 AM]: Yes!!!! Btw I don't accept checks :P**

**Me [2:36 AM]: Hahaha very funny**

**Laura [2:36 AM]: Let me enjoy this victory**

**Me [2:37 AM]: Whatever**

**Laura [2:39 AM]: Don't roll your eyes too hard now. Will still needs your help**

**Me [2:39 AM]: WHATEVER**

**Laura [2:40 AM]: Someone finally learned how to use caps lock ;)**

**Me [2:41 AM]: You're a pain sometimes**

**Laura [2:42 AM]: A trait I learned from my best friend**

**Me [2:42 AM]: She must be an awesome best friend**

**Laura [2:42 AM]: When she's not a pain in the butt**

**Me [2:43 AM]: Whatever cookie monster. Go to bed.**

**Laura [2:45 AM]: Be safe Carm and tell Will and Mattie I said hi.**

**Me [2:46 AM]: I will. Goodnight**

**Laura [2:46 AM]: Goodnight :)**

I tucked my phone back into my pocket and made my way to my car to go help Will out with Mattie. 

 

 

 

 

 

I paced Will's living room while bouncing Mattie a bit and singing her favorite songs. Will laid on the couch with an ice pack on his forehead for the headache he had developed while trying to get Mattie to calm down and get back to sleep. I looked down at little Mattie in my arms and watched as she slowly began to fall into a deep sleep with her face turned to my chest.

She had been screaming her little lungs out and after checking that everything was alright and that she was just being fussy, I started to sing and pace back and forth with her. Will was more than happy to give her to me and have me deal with her the second I walked through the door and for the last hour he has been lying there with his ice pack and snoring. I walked over to the couch and reached down to grab the ice pack that was thankfully wrapped in a towel. He was lucky that he didn't burn his forehead with the ice pack. I went over to the kitchen and placed the ice pack back in the freezer and hung the towel up to dry over the sink. I went back into the living room then made my way to his bedroom to set Mattie down in her crib. I kissed her forehead then tucked her in making sure she was warm and deep asleep. 

I left the door open and walked back to the living room. Will was sat up with his head in his hand. "Is she asleep?" 

"Yup." I walked over to the couch and plopped down next to him. 

"Thank you." 

"No problem." 

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Is it bad that I want a beer right now?" 

"Not at all. I could probably use one after today." 

He leaned the side of his head into his hand tiredly. "How did lunch with Laura go by the way?" 

I sighed heavily then leaned my head back against the couch. "It was awkward and uncomfortable at the beginning, but it got better after we left the diner." 

"Where did you go?" 

I smiled then laughed a little. "She took me to her new apartment and we sat out on her fire escape watching Person of Interest and eating the food we packed up from the diner." 

"Why's that funny?" 

I sat up and shook my head. "It’s an inside thing." 

He hummed. "Right. Well I'm glad it worked out because to be honest I thought it was going to be a disaster when you told me what you were planning for today." 

"Same, but as always Laura figures out something that makes things easier for the both of us." 

"That's good. I'm glad you have her back in your life now. You were looking very miserable." 

"Because I was. I lost my best friend and the woman I'm in love with in one go, so it was pretty bad because I didn't have that comfort and freedom to talk anymore. I love you and everyone else and know that you're there to listen, but it’s just different with Laura." 

He sighed. "I know Kitty. Don't worry. I'm not mad or jealous or anything. Different people do different things for us and that's just how things are."

"You're right about that." 

"So everything is going good then?" 

"For now yes, but to be honest I'm sure it'll stay alright for a while to come."

"And why's that?" 

I stared down at the floor to gather my thoughts. "Because Laura is like the stars to me. Even though you can only see them at night because of how bright they shine, they are still up there during the day. You just can't see them because the sun is up and is a huge star itself, but the stars are still always there. They come through in the darkest of times and are still there in the brightest of times. They are always there and Laura is that for me. She is my personal star down here on earth and it doesn't matter how big a star is or how small, it is still there in the sky just like she's still here for me. Even though we did argue and pulled away from one another, she was still consistently there. My one bright and shiny star still lighting up in the dark for me and still there in the light." I sat back and ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm crazy aren't I?"

"I would say sappy and weirdly poetic, but not crazy," he teased. I glared at him. He smiled and sat up. "Look I don't fully understand what that feels like because I haven't ever had that with someone. Sure I've been in love a few times, but never to the extent that you and Laura are at. But that doesn't make you crazy. It makes you one of the lucky ones because people try to find that level of love with or without their soulmates. And I want it to work out between you two because you could be really good together, so don't ever think that you're crazy for what you're feeling." 

I ran my hands over my face. "You really think we could work?" 

"Of course I do. I pretty much had a bet on it when I first met her at that meeting with mother about Matska." 

"You're never going to call her Mattie are you?" 

"Her name is Matska and she will learn it, but if she ends up having an identity crisis at three months I'm blaming you and your damn nickname." 

I laughed and shoved his shoulder. "Come on its an adorable nickname." 

"Yes, but it's not her name."

I rolled my eyes. "I've been calling you Will since you were born and you turned out fine." 

"Yeah except for when I threw a tantrum when arguing with my primary school teacher that my name was Will not William and dad and mom had to come in and explain that William was my full name and Will was a nickname. Then they had to explain what a nickname was." 

I started laughing. "You spent that whole day crying and being mad at me because you thought I tricked you. You even tried to give me a horrible nickname to make me mad." 

"To be fair I really hated that damn cat and thought calling you Kitty was a good idea."

"Yeah it was. It was just too bad that I actually really liked our cat." 

"Yeah whatever. So let's try not to confuse Matska." 

I smiled. "Sorry, but I'm sticking with Mattie." 

He groaned and tilted his head back to the ceiling. "You're going to explain what a nickname is to her then." 

"Sure if the teacher calls me first complaining that Mattie is throwing a temper tantrum in the classroom." 

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You're going to make sure I'm called first somehow aren't you?" 

I shrugged and looked at him with an innocent face. "I can play fair." 

He shoved my shoulder. "Whatever! You cheat." We laughed and then he stood up and stretched out his back. "But anyway, yes I think you and Laura would be good together, but obviously she's not ready for that." He walked off to the kitchen. "But if she fell for you once, she'll probably fall even harder given a second chance to do things right this time." 

I looked over at him confused. "What do you mean?" 

He came back over holding two beers. "What I mean is that this time she's getting a divorce and will be completely single since the reason why she freaked was because she was married. Now she's not going to be married therefore no brick wall standing between you two." He handed me my beer then sat down with his. "And yes I know you two are in love with each other now, but you both fell in love when you two were with other people and that has to play a part in there somewhere. You may have given her a part of your heart, but knowing how you really are, even though you think you gave Laura your whole heart, I know you didn't. I know there was a part you kept there for Ell and I know that it’s probably the same thing for her and her soon to be ex-wife. This friendship you two are going for right now because you miss that dynamic of your relationship is just a second chance to be able to truly have an open and clear heart to fall even more in love than the first time," he explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Of course she has a lot of guilt to work through before she's ever going to be fully ready to fall in love with you again." 

I sunk into the couch and drank my beer. "I never thought of it that way." 

He shrugged. "That's because you only have your perspective. This is just my view from the bench."

"I guess only time will tell what will happen." 

"It’s a horrible cliché, but it is right." 

I sighed and began to pick the label off the bottle. "For now I don't want to think about all of this."

"Of course. We have a baby sister who is actually a baby that owns a pair of lungs that might rival a banshee," he joked. 

"Who knows she probably is one and if not then maybe she'll make a great singer since she responds to music very well." 

"Maybe. I honestly just want her to do whatever makes her happy." 

"Same." 

We sat back and drank our beers. "So what are your plans for tomorrow?" He asked. 

I shrugged. "Work mostly. I don't have anything else planned." 

"You should skip work and come to the park with me and Mattie." 

"And what exactly does an infant do at the park?" 

"Look better than all the other infants." 

"Well she is adorable."

"My point exactly...plus she attracts women." 

I slapped his shoulder. "You can't use our sister to get a date!" 

He smirked. "Guess I shouldn't call those two girls from yesterday then." 

I grabbed the couch pillow and started hitting him with it. He put his arm up to block me and laughed out loud. We both stopped at the sound of a whine from the baby monitor. We froze and prayed that Mattie will settle herself and go back to sleep. The whine turned into a full out wail and we both threw our heads back with a groan. He set his beer down then got up. 

"I'll handle it this time," he said then made his way to his room. 

I sat back and pulled my feet up on the couch setting my beer down to wait for him to come back. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed as I listened to Will sing Mattie back to sleep. He's right. Maybe Laura and I with time will fall more in love with each other now that we are not hindered by partners and as time passes by. For now, I'm just glad that our friendship was able to not suffer because of our feelings for one another and I love her more for that. I'm going to enjoy our friendship and maybe we'll become even better friends now than before.


	19. Awkward and Foolish

**_Laura_ **

I tapped my pen against my desk as I read through one of the many articles I had to edit for tomorrow's paper. I looked up at the clock as I heard the sound of Betty's voice enter the office from the elevator since she tends to be loud when she's caught a story on the way in. She waltzed over to me and dumped her stuff on her chair and desk then tapped at her phone for a bit before turning it so I could look at it. I dropped my pen at the picture of Carm and Mattie at the park. Carm was holding Mattie in the air above her and smiling at her with all the adoration in the world. 

"Should I send you this lovely picture or no?" Betty asked teasingly. 

I shook my head and picked my pen back up. "N-n-no." I cleared my throat. "No. I'm good," I said more confidently. 

My phone dinged with a new message and I looked to see that it was from Betty. "You can thank me later when you better appreciate it," she said cockily as she took her seat and booted up her computer. 

I ignored my phone for now and rolled my eyes at her antics. "Is this why you were late to work this afternoon?" 

She hummed with her coffee cup at her lips then took a drink. "I had stopped at this coffee cart in the park that I enjoy when I have the mid-afternoon to night shift. On my way through the park I caught all three Karnstein siblings having the afternoon out and about, so I snapped a few pictures and had the multimedia department put them up as quick as possible." She pointed to my phone. "But I kept that picture just for you. The other ones were put up." 

I shook my head. "You didn't have to do that you know." 

She shrugged. "I know, but you love her." 

I tapped my pen against my desk and sighed. "Right well now that you're here I can go meet Danny for lunch." 

"Oh? And why are you meeting with her?" 

I got up and grabbed my coat. "She wanted to deliver the divorce papers in person." 

"And that requires a lunch date?" 

"It’s not a lunch date," I defended. 

"If it sounds like a lunch date then it’s a lunch date." 

"Thank you Ms. Nosey, but it’s not a date. She's just giving me the papers and wanted to double check all of the details so she can start packing things up." 

"Well if she asks you to come back you say no and stay strong with that answer." 

"She's not going to ask me to get back with her." 

"What makes you think she won't?" 

"Because she would have asked me by now not sign the papers." 

"You never know. Especially since she signed those papers so quickly." 

I shook my head then patted her shoulder. "I'll be fine. It’s just lunch and ironing out the last of the details." 

She tilted her head back to look up at me. "Fine, but you better not come back married." 

I smirked. "Legally I'm married until those papers go through." 

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. Now get out of here so you can tell me what happened." 

"Nosey much?"

She shrugged. "We're journalists. It’s our job." 

I laughed then backed away to the elevator. "So you like to remind me whenever you want information." 

She pointed her pen at me. "Your life is more entertaining, so get used to it." 

I shook my head then left the office. 

 

 

 

 

 

I walked into the café and spotted Danny's red hair right away at a booth tucked away in the corner at the back. My heart jumped in my chest at the sight of her. It has been a little over a week since we have seen each other, but it’s different than having not seen Carmilla for that long. This was more about being nervous about meeting up because we're getting divorced and guilt for putting her through all of this after what she's already been through with Kirsch. I never wanted Danny to feel like she was alone when we were just friends and then even more so when we got married. I didn't want her to feel like she had lost everything and everyone, so this meeting was making my heart ache and we haven't even started talking about the paperwork yet. I haven't even moved away from the door. 

I took a deep breath to settle my nerves and hopefully calm my heart then made my way over to her. She was staring at her phone as I got closer and I spotted the manila envelope off to the side on the table. As I got closer she must have sensed me coming because she looked up from her phone and gave me a small smile. She set her phone down on the table and then looked like she wanted to get up to give me a hug, but decided against it. She folded her hands on the table instead and waited as I set my things down in the booth and sat down. If I thought having lunch with Carmilla was the most uncomfortable thing ever this was certainly purgatory. 

"Glad you could make it," she said a little hopeful. 

"Well Betty finally showed up for work, so sorry I had to postpone this for an hour." 

"That's fine. Gave me the chance to finish up some more errands." 

"That's good." 

She rubbed the back of her neck nervously. "So you look well."

I folded my hands on my lap. "Thank you. You seem to be holding up." 

She nodded her head then began to twiddle her thumbs. "So did you want to get some food since you're at lunch?" 

"That sounds like a good idea." I reached for one of the menus at the end of the table and opened it quickly to have something to keep me busy for a while. 

I felt my leg begin to bounce as my foot tapped against the floor. Now I understand why Carmilla does it a lot when she's nervous. I have so much nervous energy that I have to do something in order to work it out of me and this is the easiest thing to do since my hands are busy. I flipped the small menu over to look at what was on the back and kept scanning the menu over and over again as if I couldn't make up my mind even though the chicken sandwich with a lemonade was what I was going to go with. I just didn't want to have to strike up a conversation. Maybe I should have told her to just mail me the papers and then email her the list of things she had to send to me. This is definitely not the brightest idea I have ever had. 

"This is awkward isn't it?" I looked up to see her sigh and lean her cheek into the palm of her hand. 

I set my menu down. "It is, but at least neither of us have run off yet." 

"Only you can find the optimism in this situation," she joked.

"Well I'm not known for my negativity."

"You're certainly not." She gave me a soft smile. "It’s definitely something I love about you." 

I sat up straight at that comment. "Danny..." I drawled out. 

She shook her head slightly. "I'm not here to ask you to take me back. I know." She pulled the envelope over to her. "I know that's not for us and I've done a lot of reflecting and know that I haven't treated you well since we got married. I realize everything we had before we got married just wasn't there after and that is my fault." She began to scratch her fingernail against the envelope. "I saw you, but yet I didn't at the same time. I came to the realization that I had been looking for Kirsch throughout our marriage. I was trying to get you to fill his shoes and to do things the way we used to do them and I changed for you when you would point out the way I did things, but I went back to doing them anyway." 

She looked away from me. "I didn't think anything was wrong once we had a compromise of what we would be in charge of when it came to the daily house things. I didn't want to acknowledge that things just weren't working and I didn't want to acknowledge that I couldn't connect with you like I did with Kirsch. I didn't want to admit that I was hoping every day that you would be my second soulmate and we would fall into place. I didn't want to see, but I do now. It’s too late for that in order for us to be together, but now I see and I'm so sorry. There's no amount of apologies I can give you that would make up for the jerk I had been towards you, but I am infinitely sorry for everything." 

She wiped at the corner of her eyes in order to keep her tears at bay. "I'm sorry and I know this is for the best because now I see that someone else was making you happy where I was failing to. Someone else was listening when I tuned you out. Someone else was comforting you when I was ignoring how you felt. Someone else was there and I can tell that they still are because you just have this happy aura around you and this vibe of comfortability." She gave me a small smile. "I'm glad for that because even though I know you can make it on your own and be the happiest person in the world by yourself, I wish that someone will take care of you and put you first for a change. You need someone who is going to give just as much as you and I'm sure Carmilla is that person for you." I stared at her shocked. She chuckled and sat back. "Yes I know who it is and she seems like a good person from what I've read on Google."

I laughed and ran my fingers through my hair. "You were always able to read me better than our other friends." 

She nodded her head. "Well I was the one who paid the most attention." 

I smiled and reached across the table for her hand. She indulged me and took my hand. I ran my thumb against the back of her hand. "I loved you because you were so attentive in that you always knew what I needed no matter what mood I was in. You always had my back no matter what ridiculous idea I came up with to save the campus or protect it from being handed over to some horrible dean that had no clue about running a university. I loved you because you saw me and made me feel butterflies in my stomach anytime you were near me. You helped me with my homework and I was able to have conversations with you about the English assignments for hours and you wouldn't make me feel stupid or put me down because my ideas didn't line up with yours. We had heated debates and challenged each other, but we were still able to get pie late at night and laugh about whatever ridiculous thing that Kirsch and his frat brothers did that day. We balanced each other out and I loved that about us." 

I looked up from our joined hands. "I still love all those parts about you because those haven't fully gone away, but the you that you were in our marriage was not someone I could love because I'm not Kirsch and never will be. You were different in our marriage than when you were my friend where you didn't seem to be there or know what I needed anymore. We didn't spend a lot of time together and when we did it was mostly arguing or avoiding an argument. There were still good times thrown in there with our Netflix marathons or the times we went out for walks or to sit at the park all day. There were the times we would just sleep all day or just lay in bed not wanting to do anything other than be in each other’s arms, but the fact will always be that I'm not Kirsch and the few good moments can't make up for all the bad."

I thread my fingers through hers and felt how we didn't fit together. I pulled away then slipped her watch off to see her soulmate mark. I traced it with my fingers. "I'm sorry I couldn't be your second soulmate because I wished for the same thing every day since we started all this. I wanted it so desperately." I pulled my hand away and looked down at my matching watch. I unclasped it and set it on the table. "But it looks like it wasn't meant to be and if there's anything I hate the most about all this is that it wasn't me," I said choking on a sob as I glanced down at my empty wrist. I wiped my eyes to keep my own tears from falling. 

She reached out and grabbed my hand squeezing it and lending me her strength. I shook off my own pain and looked at her. She ran her thumb over the back of my hand and stayed quiet for a moment as I tried to gather myself together before I broke down crying in front of everyone here. She squeezed my hand every so often and looked at me with understanding and caring eyes. I gave her a little nod when I was okay. She eased her hold on my hand, but didn't pull away. 

She took a deep breath letting it out slowly. "I loved you because you were the most resilient person I knew. You never let anything get you down or keep you down. You got back up and kept fighting. You kept looking for the truth when people told you to give up and you supported everyone when they couldn't go on anymore. You gave and gave to other people without ever asking for anything in return. You were very opinionated and apologized when you knew you were wrong. You tried your best to make things fair for everyone and didn't stop even when it seemed hopeless. You have this drive in you that makes you want to keep going." 

She thread our fingers together again. "You didn't let me get away with anything or let me feed you a theory and went with it like everyone else did. You weren't scared to debate with me or to draw up facts to back up your arguments. You weren't afraid to be who you are and I loved that fearlessness, but I loved when you weren't afraid to show how much everything did get to you at the end of the day. You let me see you fall apart and let me be there to help you pull yourself together. I loved how dorky you were about your favorite TV shows and movies and I loved how I never noticed time passing when we had one of our marathons or when we were having a good day. I loved your optimism even when everyone else wanted to strangle you at times for it, but you always made us smile and I loved seeing your smile." 

She let go of my hand and traced her fingers over mine until they got to my wrist. She ran her fingers over the emptiness of my wrist. A reminder that I haven't met my soulmate yet and that I wasn't hers. "Not everyone is meant to fit together; not even soulmates at times fit together. It may not have worked for us, but maybe it will work for you now that you don't have me holding you back." 

"I'm not even sure it will happen since I haven't gone out there to meet other people, but even if it doesn't happen I just want to be happy with someone who is just as right for me as my soulmate would have been." 

She ran her fingers over my wrist once more then pulled away. "You should know that your soulmate mark won't appear when you meet your soulmate. It'll appear when both of your souls finally sync up with one another in one moment where they finally communicate on the same level whether you are together or not, whether you know each other or not, or whether you're in the same place or not. It's your souls that make the choice," she explained. 

I stared down at my blank wrist for a moment then looked at her to see her staring at her own mark and running her fingers along it. "Is that how it was for you and Kirsch?" I asked curiously. 

She gave me a nod then looked up. "I didn't know he existed until the day we got them. We were in the cafeteria and the next thing I know I gasp out in pain and there was a yell on the other end and I just banged my head against the table when I saw who it was. I may have never met Kirsch, but I heard a lot about him and my friend told me who he was when he started walking over to me. I decided to give it a try because we were soulmates despite how much I hated him in the beginning." She reached over for her watch and put it back on. She met my eyes once more. "I want to say you'll find someone, but I feel like Carmilla is the one for you just from how much happier you seemed these past couple months since knowing her."

I left my own watch on the table for the time being. "I just hope I don't screw it up." 

"Don't let what happened between us stop you from being with her. Talk to her and when you're ready, you're ready." 

I nodded my head. "Thank you." 

"Anything for you." She signaled the waiter to come over. "Now let's get you fed so you don't pass out at work and go over these papers." 

"Sure." 

We looked over the papers careful not to spill anything on them and she made a note in her phone of everything she had to send to me. We ended up agreeing for her to drop everything off at my apartment instead since it was quite a bit of stuff since some of it was in storage and I gave her my address for the next time we both had a day off to handle all this. We checked that we had signed in all the right places which was a good thing because she forgot to initial one of the pages. Once that was done and things were sorted she handed me the envelope and we finished off the rest of our lunch. 

We finished lunch, hugged, then went our separate ways. I watched her walk off and hoped that she would be happy in some way again. My hand grasped my watch that I had shoved in my coat pocket once lunch was placed on our table. I didn't feel like putting it back on and even now I don't want to. I rose my arm up to let my sleeve fall back to expose my wrist and stared at the blank space. 

I let go of my watch then ran my fingers over my wrist. There was no soulmate mark and where I was once embarrassed by it because I knew a lot of people who had their marks and because I was married, but didn't have one, now I wonder if it is time to let it be seen. It is customary for people with blank wrists to cover them up because you want to avoid a lecture from soulmates who found each other and got married or don't want to seem lonely, but in all honesty, I'm not alone. Soulmate or not, there's no reason for me to hide my wrist anymore. If I'm going to start off new with a blank slate, then not having a mark is a part of that. I can't be afraid or embarrassed that I don't have a mark when sometimes people who do don't end up spending the rest of their lives together anyway.

I pulled my watch out and clasped it onto my right hand. It feels weird since I'm right handed, but it feels right at the same time. No more hiding. I'm just going to have fun and be me from now on.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I munched on a slice of pizza as I fed Mattie her bottle. She was snuggled up on the couch with a pillow propping her up slightly so she could eat comfortably. I googled some tips and tricks on how to feed a baby so you can give your arms a rest or be able to eat yourself and a lot of things came up to my relief because this pizza is so good while its hot. I glanced down at Mattie to see that she stopped sucking on the bottle and removed it while putting my slice of pizza down. I wiped my hand on my jeans as my phone started to ring. I looked down to see that it was Laura and Will came up behind me picking Mattie up. 

"I'll burp the little princess while you get that since your hands are greasy anyway." He settled Mattie against his shoulder where he placed the little blanket and began to pat her back. 

"I could have done it you know." 

"Yes and gotten pizza grease all over her. I don't feel like giving her an early bath today."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my phone answering the call before it stopped ringing. "Whatever. Make sure to put her down for her afternoon nap." 

"Okay mom," he said sarcastically. 

I stuck my tongue out at him and pressed the phone to my ear as I made my way to the balcony. "Hey Laura," I said cheerily. 

_"Hey. Sorry if I'm interrupting,"_ she said with a mixture of apologetic and sad. 

"Its fine. Just the usual sibling banter." She hummed in understanding then stayed quiet. I bit my lip and leaned against the railing. I listened to her breathing on the other end and tilted my head to the side curious as to what was wrong but not wanting to ask her. "So Will decided that we all should go to the park this afternoon for some family bonding, but what he really wanted was to use Mattie as bait to get a date with one of the many women at the park," I began to fill the void while I waited for her to tell me why she called. 

She laughed a watery laugh which told me she was crying. _"Of course he would, but she is adorable so I can see why she would make good bait."_  

"Yeah I guess, but Mattie was happy all the same." 

_"That's good. Did you get hit on at all today?"_  

I bit my lip and looked down at the ground. "There were a few women who gave me their numbers especially when they saw me holding Mattie in my arms."

_"Well I can see the appeal. Your inner mother comes out and its adorable."_  

I chuckled and shook my head. "If you say so." 

_"More like I know so."_  

"Uh huh sure." I turned around to look through the glass doors at Will and Mattie. "Well it was a good day and your newspaper couldn't even ruin my mood," I teased. 

She laughed again and this time it sounded a lot better. _"Yeah Betty had the two-to-ten shift today and I guess she gets her coffee from some place at the park."_  

"Yeah well Will ended up signing me up for Twitter so I could track how many people saw that tweet she sent out and now I have over five thousand followers with the majority asking me to marry them." 

_"Well if you ever need help sorting out potential suitors let me know."_

"Hahaha. Very funny."

_She laughed even harder. "Okay okay. So maybe you're not ready for the aisle yet."_

"Especially not with anyone from online." It’s you I want to be with. 

_"Well maybe someday."_

"Yeah maybe." I bit my lip and scuffed my shoe against the floor. 

She took a deep breath. _"I had lunch with Danny this afternoon."_  

That explains the crying. "How did that go?" 

She was silent again and I could hear her sniffling a bit. _"Could you come to my apartment?"_ She asked around a choking sob. 

"Yes. Let me settle things here and I'll be on my way." 

_"Okay."_

"See you soon." 

_"See you."_  

I waited for her to hang up then walked back into the apartment just as Will was coming back from his room. He stopped to look at me and frowned. 

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. Laura just wanted to know if I was busy or not so I could hang out with her today." 

"Oh." He nodded his head. "Yeah sure sounds good. I can handle things from now on." 

"Are you sure? Because I can tell her I can't go." 

He shook his head. "I know that look you have. She needs you and it's not to hang out," he said giving me a scolding look for lying to him. 

I sighed and reached for my coat. "She does, but you and Mattie come first." 

"Well I'm a grown man and it’s my week with Matska, so I've got this covered," he said with a smile. 

"Smartass." 

"I wonder where I got it from," he joked. 

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah yeah. I'll text you to see how Mattie's doing."

"Alright then. Tell Laura I said hi." 

"Will do." 

I grabbed my keys off the table then made my way to my car to head over to Laura's. 

 

 

 

 

 

I parked my car then turned it off and sat there not in any hurry to get out right this moment. Was I really about to go up to her apartment and comfort her about her soon to be ex-wife while I'm in love with her? This is really what people would call insane and just sad right now. Like who really does this? I sighed and hit my head against the head rest. Fools in love who care more about the person they are in love with than about themselves. Fools who will deal with the pain after leaving when they're alone because they know they're an idiot for doing it, but they are just too damn caring and in love to put themselves first. You can put me in the book as the number one fool in the world for doing this right now even though the feelings of jealousy and pain were taking hold of my heart. I have to put those away because Laura didn't call asking for the woman who is in love with her, she called asking for her friend and as crazy as this who dual feelings thing goes, I am not going to fail her as a friend when she's probably hating herself right now for everything. 

I ran my fingers through my hair then got out of my car to head up to her apartment. I stopped and turned away heading to the alley instead. I looked up spotting the ladder that lead up to the fire escape that connected the two apartment complexes. I looked around for a moment then walked up and down the alley until finding a sturdy crate. I walked back to the big garbage container and threw the crate on top of it. This is the most dangerous thing I have done that has the potential of ending so completely wrong and of course I'm doing it because I'm an idiot in love. I hopped onto the trash can then positioned the crate close to the edge of it. I stepped onto the crate and took a deep breath before jumping at the ladder and grabbing it in my hands. My weight pulled it down until my feet touched the ground then I moved around it to start climbing up. Once on the fire escape, I pulled the ladder back up into place then continued to walk up the fire escape until I came to Laura's window. 

I saw her sitting on the couch curled up in her blanket. I knocked on the window and tried not to laugh as I watched her jump up and fall off the couch. She looked around for a moment then spotted me on the fire escape. I waved at her with a slightly contained smile and stepped back as I watched her come over with a frown accompanied by her signature scrunched up face she makes when she's angry. She opened her window and stood back with her arms crossed angrily over her chest. I fought my bubbling laughter as she looked like a pissed off three-year-old. 

"Please explain what in the world you were thinking?" She demanded. 

I smiled sheepishly and tucked my hands into my coat. "That this is a lot less awkward than arriving at your front door all things considered," I explained giving her a pointed look. 

It took her a few moments, but realization marred her face as she lowered her arms. "Sorry. I-I should have called someone else. I...I'm so sorry. Carmilla you don't-" 

I raised my hand to cut her off. "Don't. Just grab your blanket and laptop and get out here. My friend needs me right now and I think Buffy sounds good." 

She opened her mouth to object and I shook my head. She closed her mouth and looked at me with watery eyes and a despondent face. She turned around with slouched shoulders and went to grab her blanket and laptop then climbed out her window onto the fire escape. I unzipped my coat then pulled her into a hug before she sat down with everything holding her tight knowing how much she feels better after hugging me. She pressed her face against my shoulder and didn't responded until I kissed the side of her head. She wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tight as she buried her face into the crook of my neck and began crying. I rubbed her back soothingly as she clutched my shirt and let her sobs wrack through her body. 

Once she had calmed down enough I pulled back cupping her face in my hands and kissed her forehead lovingly. I wiped away her tears then reached down and grabbed her blanket wrapping it around her then helped her to sit down. I pulled the laptop to me and pulled up the next Buffy episode we had to watch then set it to play. She laid down with her head in my lap and I began to work my fingers through her hair massaging her scalp as I went. 

She moved her hand out from under her blanket and placed it on my shin. She began to rub her thumb back and forth against my shin as I watched her eyes glaze over from thinking of something deeply. I trailed my fingers down from her hair, along her jaw, then down her neck, and back up to go back to running my fingers through her hair. She tensed up and froze at the action, but relaxed one more. I did it again, but this time I trailed my fingers down along her blanket covered shoulder and along her arm. I brought my fingers back up and to her hair and messaged her scalp. She sighed out contentedly and closed her eyes. I continued moving my fingers from her hair down her arm and back up over and over to sooth her. 

We were halfway through the episode when she broke the silence. "Is it weird to still love someone, but not be in love with them?" 

"I don't think it is. We all fall in and out of love with different people at different times and we still carry that with us even though we're done with that relationship and have moved on. The people we are with leave their fingerprints on us whether they are good or bad and we carry them with us always." I glanced down to see a tear escape her eye. I wiped it away and caressed her cheek. 

"I'm probably being ridiculous crying over something I ended," she said while trying to hold in a sob. 

I moved more of her hair away from her face. "Just because you're the one who ended things doesn't mean your emotions aren't valid. You're allowed to be in pain and to cry. It was your heart you put on the line and you're allowed to cry because it got bruised along the way until you couldn't take it anymore. You're allowed to feel whatever you want." 

She sat up and wiped at her tears furiously trying to catch them before more fell. "I still feel like all of this is my fault." 

I spread my legs then pulled her over me to sit between them. She turned her back to me and tried to get up. I wrapped my arms securely around her and held her tight. She struggled a bit more, but soon sunk into my hold and began sobbing her heart out. I leaned back against the railing and pulled her along with me. I moved one of my arms up to wrap around her chest and hold onto her opposite shoulder to rub my thumb caringly against it. I swiped her hair away from the side of her neck then wrapped my other arm around her waist. I buried my face against her neck and began to rock her side to side gently. 

I lifted my head and pressed a kiss behind her ear. "You did nothing wrong. You did everything you could and yes maybe there were times you could have done better, there may have been times you were wrong, and maybe there were times where things were your fault, but this isn't solely your fault. None of this is only your fault. You fought to make it work. You fought to try to do better and to keep things going, but you can only fight so much for something when the other person isn't putting in effort. You did what you could and even more." I took a deep breath to push my own feelings deeper into the box I shoved them in. "You love her and as much as you want to say you're not in love with her, a part of you still is and that's fine. You're not expected to move on and stop being in love with her so quickly. There's no hurry for you to feel better or to feel like you have to put everything in a box and move on. You're allowed to still love her and cry because of it. Let your heart grieve for the love you have for her and for the life you didn't have with her. Cry because you meant your vows, but it didn't work out. Cry because you almost had it all with her. Cry because she had been your everything." 

I pressed another kiss behind her ear and choked in my own need to cry because she was in so much pain and because this was bringing up a lot of my own feelings that I hadn't dealt with in concerns to Ell. "Cry Laura. It’s okay to cry," I whispered in her ear.

She pushed through her blanket and clutched at my arms as her body shook with her sobs. She bowed her head as her cries spilled out into the fading light of the sun as night began to claim the sky. I pressed more kisses to the spot behind her ear and reassured her of her need to cry for all that she had gone through in her relationship. Everything from the good to the bad and everything in between. To cry because she still loved and because she didn't love enough. To cry because she fought so hard, but couldn't fight anymore. To cry because she needed and wanted to. To cry because it was okay to cry. 

Her grip on my arms slackened as her body seemed to sag against me with exhaustion. She hiccupped and struggled to regain her breath as she took stammering breaths because of the sobs she had let out without restraint. Tears still flowed from the corners of her eyes, but they were slow and far between. She gripped my thigh in a vice like grip as if trying to ground herself from whatever head space she had fallen into. I could feel her nails attempting to dig into my skin through my jeans as her hold became stronger.

I moved my arm away from her waist and began to run my fingertips along her arm to the hand grasping onto my thigh so desperately and then back up slowly and carefully not wanting to spook her or forcibly jolt her out of her head space. I stopped pressing kisses to the spot behind her ear and instead settled for burying my face against her exposed neck. She tipped her head back against my shoulder as she struggled to get her breathing under control. I counted time by the movements of her body. Her tears stopped flowing freely from her eyes and her breaths were evening out. Her grip on my thigh began to loosen until her hand turned over to capture my fingers and intertwine them. She reached her free hand up to loosely grip my arm draped across her chest. I lifted my head from her neck and she turned to press her forehead against the side of mine. 

I closed my eyes and stayed silent allowing her to take whatever comfort she needed from me. She moved her hand along my arm until it stopped at my hand resting on her shoulder. She gripped it and pulled it down into her lap where she moved our already intertwined hands. She shifted her body until she could nuzzle her face against my neck comfortably. That's where she stayed as her breaths turned into slow and deep ones that I recognized as her usual rhythm for when she falls asleep thanks to all the times she had fallen asleep while marathoning her favorite shows. I leaned back letting my head rest back against the railing and held her as she slept. I will let her sleep away the worst of her exhaustion from crying then wake her up and send her to bed. 

 

 

 

 

 

I sat in my car after having helped her to bed and tucked her in making sure she was alright. She passed out not long after her head hit the pillow. I locked her window then took her apartment key off her key ring to lock her door then slid it back under it. I stared at my steering wheel as I sat in my cold car ignoring the cold despite my breaths taking visible form in front of me. I leaned back in my seat and stared up at my car ceiling.

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the tears that found their way down my cheeks. I hate this feeling of heartache because the woman I love is still in love with someone else. I hate this unreasonable feeling of jealousy that broke through its box and was not eating me up inside. I hate the feeling of emptiness I have now that I'm no longer holding her. I hate that I feel like such an idiot for doing all of this in the first damn place. But most of all, I hate that I can't hate that she still loves her ex. 

I wiped away my tears and stared out my front windshield. I took a deep breath and pushed my feelings to the side. I can't love her. Not right now. Not until she's ready. And even then who knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed these to new chapters and as always come on over to musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com if you want to send me a message, ask a question, or just want to say hello. 
> 
> :D


	20. Here

**_Carmilla_ **

I really do need to start following my own advice, especially when it comes to relationships. Everything I had told Laura was true. She shouldn't feel guilty about the way she feels or anything else for that matter. No matter if you're the one who got broken up with or the one doing the breaking up, everyone has feelings and they can't go ignored just because you feel bad for having them or because you feel that you've had them long enough. No one can tell you how long you're allowed to be hurt by someone. You make that decision because you have to be ready to move on or you won't be happy with anyone else you end up with because you haven't settled your feelings from the one before. 

I say this, but I don't ever follow it myself. I haven't dealt with anything concerning Ell because I didn't want to. I just pushed it to the side because it was easier to ignore what happened and my own emotions about it than to face them head on and really feel the fact that I was played. 

I was played by a woman I thought loved me and I had no idea. There I was falling for Ell deeper than I had ever fell before and I had actually thought that despite us not being soulmates and that we hadn't cared to find them, that we could get married one day. That we had loved each other more than anything and that we could get married and start the next part of our lives. I had hoped to move into a bigger apartment to accommodate an office for me to work out of for my company and to get Ell a full bar to practice making her own drinks for the day she finally either took over or opened a bar. I thought that we would one day talk about whether or not it was a good time to think about kids or to wait longer. 

I had so many visions of the future that it’s painful to know that all of it was for nothing. It hurts to know that I was the only one thinking about having a future and what it would look like. It hurts to know that she was going to leave me and that I wouldn't have known the truth when that eventually happened. 

It is devastating to know that every moment of it was a lie. That even when she did actually fall in love with me, that it was still a lie because she wasn't truthful about her motives or wanting a future with me. It’s disheartening to know that she had and was cheating on me with her soulmate and had no intentions of breaking things off. It was selfish of her to think that she could successfully have us both because essentially she did since I was the one left in the dark about what was going on.

I was so blind and also played like a damn fiddle because she really got me. She had me believing every profession of "I love you," "I'll never leave you," and "together always." I believed every fucking line of love and every word of endearment. I believed every conversation about the future and what we meant to each other. I believed every fucking lie she told me about where she was going and what she was doing. I believed her. 

I believed her and I can't take back any of it. 

She took pieces of me, put them in a box at the back of her mind and heart, and lied through her teeth as if it was the most natural thing in the world for her. And now that it’s over, she still holds those pieces of me and I can't get them back because I gave them to her. She owns them. She owns every "I love you" and every "forever" I had said out loud or whispered at night when I held her in my arms. She owns the knowledge of my body and the way I look at different times of the day or different moods that I'm in. She owns the sound of my voice and the way I touch. She owns so much of me because I gave them to her. 

I'm forever a part of her. I merged myself with her and there's no taking that back because I have her as well. I have all of what she had given me lie or not. 

I know how to touch her and how she looks when she's withering underneath me during sex. I know what she looks like when she's sick and when she's outside happy that she can enjoy the light of the sun. I own the parts of her that cried in my arms or the ones where she had fallen asleep from an exhausting day at work. I own the parts of her that dance when she cooks and enjoys a glass of wine sometimes while she's reading. I own these and more and that leaves its own type of scaring on top of everything else because you carry someone else with you forever when you wish you never could. 

Some people may think I'm crazy for saying that we own parts of each other, but it’s not like you can give it back or give it away. Sure, you can tell people about what happened and how you felt, but it’s never one hundred percent the exact thing that you experienced because there are parts that you can't explain. There are parts where words are just not enough in order to explain what was going on or how something happened. You have to have been a part of that moment in order to have that imprinted on you for all time. That's why I say everyone owns a little part of each other whether we know it or not or want to acknowledge it or not. We have parts that we keep and parts that we try to forget, but all of the parts we own shape us in some way as time passes. 

I know that I can never get rid of or forget the time I spent with Ell, but I also don't want to face what happened. I know I have to and that if I don't I'm just going to have these feelings rush out of the dark again like they did when I was comforting Laura about her ex-wife. I don't want that to be a thing if I end up getting the chance to be with Laura or anyone for that matter. I don't want to be fine one second and then breaking down the next because I never dealt with what happened to me. I don't want that, but I don't know where to even begin to truly heal and be able to move on. 

I shifted in my seat and looked around the park. People were on their phones, walking their dogs, having a date, or playing with their kids. It’s a nice distraction from everything going on and this certainly is my favorite spot to be. I wish I had Mattie here with me because then she could happily distract me from my sorrowful thoughts at the moment for just a little while until I could figure out what to do. I made the last-minute decision to have Will take her a day early because I was feeling off and just needed some time to myself. I guess I'm lucky in that regard since not many people are able to get a moment to themselves when there's a baby involved. 

I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a deep breath. I hope that Mattie doesn't ever get hurt by someone she falls for, but I know that there's no guarantee that she won't. Just like with Laura, I want to teach Mattie that it’s okay to cry, that it’s okay to be mad, that it's okay to feel whatever it is she's feeling because I don't want her to be like me. I don't want her to shove everything down or push it to the side and pray that it just goes away with time. I want her to heal and learn from what she's gone through and become stronger because of it. 

I wiped the palms of my hands on my jeans then stood up. I shoved them in my coat pockets and began walking along the sidewalk that goes through the park. I stared at the ground as I walked and didn't notice the presence of someone next to me. It wasn't until I looked up at the sound of kids squealing happily that I finally saw her. She had her head turned to the group of kids wrestling on the ground. I studied her profile and wondered how she was able to find me. 

"Your brother told me that you like to sit on a bench by The Brew because it’s your favorite place to get coffee and think," Laura said as she turned to look at me with concern in her eyes. "You have been short with me lately in your texts and I got worried." 

I looked away to my shoe and toed the ground before continuing to walk. "I didn't know you had my brother's number." 

She fell into step with me and looked around at the park. "I didn't, but Betty had it so she gave it to me." 

"She seems to have a knack for getting phone numbers that shouldn't be public knowledge." 

"It’s one of her specialties." 

"Remind me to talk to her if I ever need a phone number." 

"I will, then again you can always just use your name to get what you want instead of sneaking around." 

"Well sometimes I do enjoy scaring people who deserve to know that I can find them without using my name." 

She half smiled. "Good to know." 

I leaned into her wanting to draw some comfort from feeling her body against mine even if it was just our shoulders and arms pressing against each other. "Sorry I've been short with you lately. I've just had a lot on my mind." 

"Its fine. As long as you’re okay I don't mind giving you your space, but do you want to talk about what's going on?" 

"No," I answered simply then pulled away from her putting space between us again. 

She looked at me questionably then leaned into me breaking the barrier I just tried to place between us. "How's Mattie doing?" She asked changing the subject to a safer ground which she does before she ends up asking me what's wrong again and I end up telling her or pulling away depending on how I'm feeling when she does. 

"She's doing fine. Still fussy at night, but it’s getting easier to rock her back to sleep."

"That's good to hear. Maybe I can see her again sometime when she's not crying her lungs out at two in the morning," she joked. 

I smiled and leaned into her feeling my wall crumbling down like only she could do as quickly as she had. "I forget that you haven't officially met her yet since it was just that time at the hospital and when I called because she wouldn't go to sleep." 

She looked ahead of us and her face became sullen. "I'd like to now that my mind isn't in other places so much anymore."

I bumped her shoulder lightly to get her attention. "Let me know when you have a day off and we can plan something." 

She gave me a small smile. "Of course." We walked silently for a while until we got to the other end of the park where it turns to the left and continues on to where all the chess and checkers players sat and played. "Is this about that night you came over and watched me have a breakdown about Danny?" 

I stiffened at the question and kept my gaze forward. "Somewhat yes." 

"Which part?" 

I stopped and scuffed my shoe against the walkway then looked up and over at an empty bench. "What I was saying to comfort you," I whispered hoping that she didn't hear me. 

As much as I trust and have fallen for Laura, revealing the full extent of what I am feeling is not easy. It’s not something I do with anyone. I never did it with Ell and I don't do it with Will. I always just scrape against the surface with other people then move on because I guess I don't really want to feel that hurt. I don't want to feel that betrayal. Yet here I am scratching at the surface of what is going on and wanting to dive into the deep end and hope that Laura is there to support me, but I still can't commit to it. I'm just standing on the diving board staring at how far up I am and getting cold feet. 

"Have you talked to anyone about Ell?" She asked pulling me back into the present. 

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter."

There was a long silence that followed and it worked my nerves into a bundle of energy that made me begin swaying back and forth on the balls of my feet. I looked at her and saw her staring at a group of children running around with their teacher trying to keep a head count on them. She turned to me and had a thoughtful look in her eyes as if she was contemplating what to say next to make sure I didn't bolt in the opposite direction like a frightened deer. 

"Can I take you somewhere?" She asked tentatively as if trying to figure out if she was doing the right thing. 

I stopped rocking back and forth and stood firm wondering exactly what she wanted. "Where?" 

She began walking again back in the direction we came from. "If you come with me you'll find out when we get there," she said as if asking me if I trust her enough to take me somewhere I don't know without telling me a thing. 

Funny thing is, I do trust her to take me wherever because I know that I'll be okay. 

I followed her back the way we came and even further to her car parked across the street from the park. I climbed into her car and adjusted the seat so I could lean back a bit more comfortably and put my feet up on the dashboard. 

She swatted my knee. "No feet on my dash unless your shoes are off." I stared at her and she shifted her gaze from my shoes to me. "Well?" She demanded. 

I rolled my eyes then sat up to pull my boots off to be left in my black socks and put them up on the dash. "Better?" 

She started up her car and put her seatbelt on. "Well it would be nicer if your feet didn't stink," she joked.  

I smiled doing my best to keep in my laugh. "Whatever. My feet don't smell." 

"That's what you think." 

I leaned back in my seat after clipping my seatbelt on and stared at her. "Where are you taking me?" 

"You'll see when we get there." 

"Can I have any hint of where we're going?" 

She pulled out onto the street then began to navigate her way through the heavy traffic. "It’s out of the city." 

I arched my eyebrow up at her. "How far?" 

She signaled to make a turn then glanced at me. "Far enough for you to be able to take a nap. You look like you haven't been sleeping well." 

I turned away to look out the window to hide the bruising under my eyes from her view remembering that I hadn't covered them up before I left. "I don't know if I can sleep." 

Her hand clasped around mine and pulled it onto her lap then began to caress it with her thumb. "The benefits of having an automatic," she said at my unvoiced question. 

"Do you even know how to drive stick?" 

She threaded our fingers together. "My dad taught me in case of emergencies since that's the only type he owned at the time." 

"Your dad really made sure that you could take care of yourself huh?" 

She smiled fondly. "He's my hero." 

I turned onto my side a bit to be able to face her. "Where are you taking me?" 

She let go of my hand long enough to turn the radio on. "Get some sleep. I'll wake you when we get there." 

I huffed at her answer then turned away to look out my window. I tuned out everything but the music and focused my attention on the scenery. Once we were out of the city it was just an open road of buildings and houses placed here or there which would last for a while before the houses became more spread out and the stretch of road became covered by fields of flowers and tall grass along the way.   
I pulled my feet off the dash to rest on top of the seat and leaned my seat back a bit more to where my eyes barely saw over the car door to the scenery outside. It wasn't long until my eyes began to droop and I found myself fulling sinking into my seat to rest. I closed my eyes just to rest them and focused on the feeling of Laura's thumb swiping against mine.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I glanced at Carmilla from the corner of my eye as the feeling of her grip on my hand was gone to see her body facing me and her breaths coming in deep and even. She had fallen asleep in less than twenty minutes of being out of the city which proves that I was right that she desperately needed to get some sleep. It also helped me feel better about having had Betty hunt down Will's cell phone number since I never asked for it the few times I met him. It didn't surprise me when Betty opened up her cellphone and read the number out to me without having to get in touch with her contacts since Betty was the type to be ahead of the game, plus she did find Carmilla's number for the Christmas party so she probably got Will's at the same time.

I don't especially like having to go around hunting for numbers that shouldn't exist for public knowledge because I like to give the people I want to interview their privacy, but I'm glad I broke that personal code of mine for this one time. I mean Will has given me full permission to message or call him whenever now, but I would have liked to get his number because he wanted me to have it not because I had Betty give it to me. It’s easier to get over my moral dilemma about it because Carmilla is sleeping, I'm driving through some of the country just outside the city, music is playing softly on the radio, and everything feels right in this moment. Despite everything that is going on, this moment right here is right. 

I held onto her hand and began to sing softly along with the radio as I continued to drive out to where I used to live with my dad and mom before he finally saved up enough money to move into the city to be closer to his job. 

I know Carmilla and I are close, but I know there is a part of her that she has yet to let me see. It is a part of her I can tell she doesn't want to share with anyone whether it’s because she doesn't know how or doesn't feel like anyone will catch her if she lets it all go, but it is something that I am willing to wait for. For now, I will try to get her mind off it all so she can get a break and let that weight fall off her shoulders for even a little while. I know I can't get rid of it all, but I'll do what I can to allow her to have a space of time where she doesn't have to feel it anymore. I can do that for her especially since she is always there for me. 

I know it’s not easy for her to sit there and watch me go through all of my guilt and love that I still hold for Danny. I know that it must kill her inside to see and hear me admitting that I still love Danny even though I know there is nothing between us anymore. I know that it wasn't easy for her to comfort me that night that I had my break down and that she set aside all of her emotions and desires for me to be there as my friend, to take care of me and make me feel like everything that I'm going through is within my right. She did that for me and I can do this for her. 

I love her, and I will do what I can for her to make her smile or to share her worries with me so I could carry some of it for her. I want to do that for her more than anything since she is always doing it for me.

I continued to drive with the radio down low and holding her hand as she softly slept next to me. Just another half hour and we finally pulled up into the little country area that I grew up in. The houses were closer than in the normal country formation since the pieces of land here owned by the families weren’t large like other farms. There’s just enough space for a few farm animals and a horse or two depending on what the individual liked. It was for the type of people who liked to live simple, but also liked to be close enough to people to be social, but I wasn't stopping at my old home. I continued driving until I got to a break in the fences between two of the houses then took that bumpy dirt road all the way down to where it broke out to a clearing covered in wild flowers and bushes plus some small trees that were spread out wide apart from one another. I smiled as I saw the old playground that I had spent hours at with friends or with my mother when I was younger still there in the center of it all. Granted, I had found out online that they had built another one further up the road between these country houses and the new suburb that was built because a lot of the home owners sold their land because they couldn't keep up with payments anymore. Through all of that there was no plan to take apart this playground, so for now I'll use it to my advantage. 

I parked the car and looked over to Carmilla to see her still sleeping soundly. I looked at the time on my dash board then rolled down both windows a bit before pulling the key out of the ignition. I can let her sleep for a while longer. I'm sure she hasn't slept well at all because of how the bags under her eyes look a deep black despite her attempts at trying to cover them up, plus she looks beautiful with the way the sun is lighting up her raven black hair and her fair skin. I reached over and slid a piece of her hair back behind her ear. 

I admired her beauty a moment longer then settled back into my seat and checked my emails on my phone responding to the important ones by balancing my phone on my thigh as I typed with one hand. Once that was done I began to play some games on my phone to pass the time until I felt Carmilla's hand grasp mine as I heard her shift in her seat then groan as she stretched her other arm up hitting the roof of my car then dragging it across the roof until it was curled back over the headrest. She grumbled something incoherent then sighed deeply before blinking her eyes against the sun until her vision adjusted. She turned her head to look at me and gave me a gentle and heart stopping lazy smile as she ran her fingers through the roots of her hair. 

"How long have I been out?" She asked in her sleep filled husky voice. 

I caught my breath while I caressed my thumb against her hand. "Just the ride here and a bit after we arrived."

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Why didn't you wake me up?" 

I reached out and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "I wanted you to rest as much as possible." I pulled my hand away and reached for the handle of my car door. "Come on." I opened my door then stepped out into the mid-day chill. 

"You brought me to a playground?" 

I smiled and walked around to the front of my car. "Yes. What better way to get your mind off things then acting like a kid for a while." 

"At an abandoned playground? I'm surprise the equipment still looks new." 

I bit down on my lip. "Yes. Well shall we?" 

She looked over at me quizzically. "You kept this place going?" 

"Why do you think that?" 

"Because your body language said it all. This place is important to you." 

I trudged forward to the playground. "My mother would bring me here late at night when I couldn't sleep or when I hadn't gotten a chance to see her all day because she had to work. We moved when I was six and I hated having to leave this place, so my dad helped us get everything set up to camp out here until the day we left." I turned around and began walking backwards. "Now come on. Let's have some fun," I said changing the topic. 

She cocked her head to the side, but picked up the pace and followed me onto the playground. "Alright Laura, let's have fun." 

I smiled brightly at her then grabbed her hand leading her over to the jungle gym to go down the slide because in my book that was a must to do first since slides were fast and you could put your hands in the air. Carmilla on the other hand did not want to climb up onto the jungle gym, crawl through the tube, then slide down back to the ground and it took a lot of puppy dog eyes and pouting lips to get her to budge. As much as she grumbled throughout the whole thing, a smile still crossed her face as she went down the slide. She didn't laugh until I tickled her on the way down the slide together and we both landed sprawled out with our butts hurting from not catching ourselves by landing on our feet. She got back at me by tickling me until I cried out for mercy. 

From there we played on the swings with me trying to push her as high up as I could or both of us racing to see who could go the fastest and the highest. I soaked up the freedom of her laughs and the blinding light of her smiles. It was a time where she didn't look weighed down by anything for once. No worries about Ell, no worries about getting Elsie to college, no worries about how to raise Mattie, and no worries about being judged by others for her choices. This is the only time so far that I have ever seen her so uncaring about anything and just having fun. It’s something I hope I get to see again in the future because there's nothing more beautiful than to see her enjoy the weightlessness of worrying about nothing. I can do this for her. This is what I can do to help her feel better and to support her until she's ready to talk. 

She sprinted off to the merry-go-round and jumped onto it hard enough to make it move slightly. "You know I've never been to a playground with one of these things." 

I came up to stand across from her and grabbed hold of one of the handle bars. "Seriously?" I dug my feet into the ground and rocked back then forward until the merry-go-round squeaked then budged loosening it up for me to walk and pull it in order to get it moving. 

"Yeah. Every playground is different, but every one that I ever went to had slides and swings of course, but never this." 

I picked up some speed then hopped onto the platform gripping both bars in each hand as it turned in a circle until it wound down to a stop. "This one has always been my favorite to play on because it makes me feel like I have control over how fast or slow the world spins around me." I hopped down and jogged this time making it go faster than before. 

She leaned back gripping the handle bars tighter and tilted her head back to stare at the sky above. I hopped back down before it slowed to a stop and sprinted around three times before jumping back on and enjoying the speed. 

Once we began to slow down again, she straightened up with her messed up hair then took a seat until we had slowed to a stop. She released the handle bars and laid down on the platform. I stepped off after the dizziness subsided and walked around fast enough to have it continue moving on its own for a while, but not so fast that she would go flying off since she folded her hands on top of her stomach. I moved closer to the center and looked over to see her eyes transfixed on the sky above. I adjusted my grip to be happy to lean back and to look up as well. 

"It’s a different feeling to surrender yourself to the power of the world in watching it spin around you without it caring to do anything to you in this moment. It's just you and the world and the only thing you have to look at is the way it spins," she said loud enough for me to hear it. "It’s a sobering thought in that no matter how much control you think you have over everything, laying here reminds you that everything is going to keep on going whether you want it to or not." 

I leaned into the handle bar closer to her and moved to the edge of the platform until I could get one foot to hang off. I pushed against the ground with that one foot to keep us circling. She stayed quiet as we moved in a steady circle and I watched her steadily breathing until I saw it hiccup followed by the sound of a watery choke as if she was trying to keep herself from outright crying. I pushed against the ground once more before carefully ducking under the handle bar and the one after until I finally got closer to her.  I kicked against the ground again only adding more strength in order to make us go faster. I settled down crossed legged and leaned my side against the handle bar. I looked out to the playground around us giving her her privacy, but also being close enough so she didn't feel completely alone. 

It’s something I have figured out about her now that I've given myself the time to let her occupy my mind. If she wants someone close she will get close to them on her own or she'll close herself off to keep people away like right now with her hands resting on her stomach. Then there is how it is easy for her to talk about certain subjects openly because she doesn't feel them as deeply or see them as troubling as other people would and that the subjects that do worm their way into the recess of her emotions, she keeps close to the chest and it wears down her body to show physical signs of how it is eating away at her. It is at that point that she'll stop talking at all if you allow her or pretend it doesn't affect her. It then becomes a waiting game for her to come to you like right now. 

Even though I was able to get her to come out here with me to play on the jungle gym, the teeter totters, and spring horses, it ultimately comes down to whether or not she wants to let me in all the way because her allowing me to be here near her as she is going through the storm inside her is her first step in letting me in. It is when she lets me hold her, let's me catch her, that she's fully let me in. 

I stood up again as we began to get closer to a stop and spun us around as fast as I could get us to go without her falling off. After I placed my foot back onto the platform, she sat up and when I sat down she nudged herself between my legs and buried her tear stained face against my neck where I could feel the wetness of fresh tears drip onto my neck and make their way down to my shoulder. I wrapped a sheltering arm around her and tangled my fingers in her hair to hold her close so she knew that I had her and that it was alright and safe. 

She wrapped her arms around me and clung onto the back of my shirt crying into the crook of my neck. The difference between this time and the last time I held her as she cried is that this time she can't keep herself up. She's let all of her body weight press against me and sink into the platform. This time she was fully crumbling in my arms and I held tightly onto her trying to hold all the pieces of her together. This time I truly was catching her. This time I can feel everything from how much she hated what happened with Ell, but also how much she loved her and how exhausting it has been to carry both of those emotions without release. I can feel how tired she is. I can feel the weight of her heart and the responsibility that comes with that knowledge. 

She was trusting me to not let her heart fall and shatter into thousands of tiny pieces that could easily be crushed into dust. She was looking for her friend to hold her together, but I know that she was also looking for the person she loves to not run away, so I will do both because I am both. I am her friend, but I am also the woman she loves and I will do more if she asks me to. I will do anything for her because I love her too.

I glanced up at the feeling of us having stopped spinning to the sky above in order to try to ignore the feeling of nails being hammered into my heart because of how much pain she is in and how this is all I can do for her. I want to do more for her, but short of stealing a DeLorean and traveling back in time, this is all I can do. No words of support or words to help sooth her because that's not the type of person she is. It’s all about being held and feeling the other person's body. Feeling how much the other person cares for her. Feeling how much I care for her. 

I pulled her in closer and thread my fingers through her hair slowly working out the knots that had formed. Her crying turned to hiccups that made her whole body jump with the action. Her hiccups lessened as time ticked by until all that remained was her heavy breathing as she tried to steady it. She released my shirt then sat up pressing her forehead against mine. I ran my fingers down to rest against the back of her neck and massaged it to work out some of the tension. 

She began to twist the bottom of my shirt in her fingers. "Do I have to say it?" 

"Would it help you if you did?" I laced my fingers together behind her back circling her in my arms. 

She fiddled with my shirt. "I had thought that no one would love me enough to want to stay with me and deal with my mother, but Ell was that person who did." She shifted to rest her forehead on my shoulder. "People kept telling me how to live my life. They kept telling me to not fall for anyone who wasn't my soulmate because I'd only get hurt while mother wanted me to fall for the women she chose who would help give her more power and control at other companies since she couldn't have any at mine, but I wasn't going to let her force me into a relationship." She released my shirt. "I thought that Ell would be that one person that I could defeat the odds with about people who aren't soulmates having a great life together, but you know how that went to hell." Her arms circled around my waist. "I never thought that the woman I had fallen for and wanted to marry would have been someone my mother had manipulated to be in my life. I got toyed with and even though I know what happened and why, it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me wish I never got answers because then it wouldn't hurt so much." She buried her face into my neck. "It all makes me wonder if I am capable of being loved or am I just some temporary stop people take before moving on to someone they'll actually spend forever with." 

I bit my tongue on the truth that I wanted to say. "You are worth so much and more and someone will be that person that will stay and love you for all of who you are," I offered in comfort. 

"Maybe." 

I moved my hand back up and began to thread my fingers through her hair and massaging her head and the back of her neck. There’s nothing I can say that will make her see and understand that she is worth it and that she does deserve to be loved endlessly for who she is. I cannot tell her that I love her as a way to prove that there is at least one person for her because it won’t mean anything since I’m still trying to get over Danny. It might come off as just another person using her as a stopping ground before moving on even if that’s not what I’m doing. I want to comfort her, but anything I might say right now might cause a rift between us. Plus, even though we love each other right now, now that we are no longer tied to anyone else, there is the chance that we might not still be in love with each other months from now. There is the opportunity that we could both cross paths with people who are better suited for us in the future. I can’t think about the future right now when I haven’t moved out of the past.

The only guarantee I can give her is what things are right now and she wants a guarantee for what things are in the future. I love her right now, but right now is not forever.


	21. Onesies

**_Carmilla_ **

I stared down the doors to the elevator and gripped onto the handle of the car seat tighter. No matter how many times I have had to take the elevator because I have Mattie and can in no way shape or form carry her up more than one flight of stairs, it is still terrifying to me. The small space just seems to become even smaller because I have Mattie and my protective instincts kick in even harder because I have Mattie. I start tapping my foot anxiously waiting for the elevator to stop and check on Mattie almost a hundred times in the short space of time to make sure she's alright and nothing bad is happening to her. It also doesn't help when she picks that time to wake up and start crying. It just makes everything ten times worse for me and the pressure on my chest multiplies by a thousand while the nervousness throughout my body builds and waits to pop. 

I took a deep breath trying to settle myself as much as possible before pushing the up arrow to call the elevator to me. I tried to not listen to the dings as the elevator made its way down to me and I looked to Mattie to see her sleeping, but her little legs were starting to kick out which means she's close to waking up. I looked up at the ceiling and prayed that she wouldn't wake up until after we got off the elevator, but I already know that wasn't going to happen. The elevator doors opened just as the smallest whimper from her began. I climbed onto the elevator setting her car seat down on the ground then squatted in front of her to rock her back and forth gently to try to get her to go back to sleep, but of course that didn't work. She started to cry and I closed my eyes for a second which made the space feel even smaller, so I looked up to see that we were going to be on the third floor soon. I looked to Mattie and began to coo at her to try to get her to calm down a little bit. Once the elevator doors opened my body unwound and I picked Mattie up and carried her down to Laura's apartment. The door flew open and Laura's head popped out into the hallway and a small smile crossed her face as I came over to her. 

"I thought I heard a good set of lungs," she said as she looked at Mattie. 

"I think they're getting stronger because she can keep this going for a while." 

She reached out and grabbed the handle of the car seat to take Mattie out of my hands then used her other hand to massage the back of my neck. "We'll get her comfortable right now, but how are you feeling?" 

I leaned into her feeling my body loosen under her fingertips. "I'm actually feeling a lot better since you took me out last week." 

"That's good to hear." She rubbed my neck a bit more then let go and walked into her apartment with Mattie. 

I followed behind her and locked her door for her then watched as she set the car seat down and unbuckle Mattie. "She ate already, so I think she may need a diaper change." 

She rocked Mattie in her arms effectively quieting her down. "There there little one," she baby talked.

"Finally someone shorter than you," I joked. 

She stuck her tongue out at me. "Very funny coming from someone not much taller than me." 

I came up behind her and looked down at Mattie who was calm and staring up at Laura. "Traitor." 

Laura laughed. "You leave her alone. It’s not her fault I'm a baby whisperer."

"Uh huh sure." 

She smirked again. "Well if you're done being mean, you can put Mattie's stuff wherever you need to while I have fun spoiling her."

I quirked my eyebrow up at her. "Oh? And how are you planning to spoil her?" 

She tilted her head to the side and walked away. "I may have bought a few things." 

"Laura..."

"It was just a little baby gym and a playpen in case you visit whenever you have her and an outfit." 

"Seriously?" 

"Yes, but I haven't put it together so you'll have to do that for me." 

I crossed my arms and stared her down. "Did you just stick me with the handyman duty?" 

"More like handywoman and yes." 

I huffed and shook my head. "And here I thought it was going to be a relaxing day," I said with a joking smile. 

She walked down the hallway with Mattie after pulling the baby bottles out of the diaper bag and handing them to me then slinging it over her shoulder. "It will be. The playpen and baby gym are in the corner in the boxes. I'm just going to change Mattie's diaper and clothes while you put all of that together." 

"Did you at least leave me tools?" 

"Of course. They're on the table." 

I blew out a puff of air and shook my head. If I ever really felt the need to kiss her it would be right now especially since she realized that rubbing the back of my neck would help center me and ease out the fear and nervousness from my body. Plus, she's adorable when she's fawning over Mattie. Can't help falling for a woman who spoils your baby sister and is willing to help you take care of her. 

I placed the baby bottles in the fridge then got started on setting up the baby gym so Mattie could lay down and play with the hanging zoo animals. That didn't take too long to put together since it was simply sliding things into the right place and snapping them together. I then began to set up the playpen which also just had me snapping things into place, but I struggled with it because it kept falling apart and not holding together even though I pushed the center piece down and pulled the side bars up to try to get it to stand and stay in place. The whole thing kept collapsing or wouldn't snap into place. I growled at it and put my hands on my waist about ready to kick it and be done with the thing. 

I looked up at the sound of laughing to see the most adorable thing ever. Mattie was now dressed in a baby bear onesie with the hood with the little ears pulled over her head and she was grabbing onto the dinosaur onesie that Laura was wearing with the hood over her head and the fake scales popping out from it. 

"What did the playpen ever do to you?" Laura asked amused at how frustrated I am. 

I glared at her then went over to take Mattie from her arms. "It won't snap into place no matter how I try to get it to." 

Laura walked over to the playpen and folded it back up and I tried to not laugh at the little dinosaur tail sticking out from the onesie that was swaying side to side as she moved. She pulled the playpen open again, but not all the way and lifted the side bars up until they clicked into place and once all four were in place, she pushed the center piece down clicking that into place. She placed the mat down in it then waved her hands in front of it. "Tadah!" 

I scowled at her. "I warmed it up for you." 

She smiled smugly as she lifted Mattie out of my arms. "I'm sure you did. Now go get changed. I left your outfit out on my bed." 

"Outfit?" 

"Yes. Now go while I play with Mattie for a bit in her new baby gym." 

I stared at her as she made her way to the little baby gym setting Mattie down on the mat and began to jiggle the little zoo animals above her and doing her little baby talk with her baby voice. I pulled my phone out and made sure that the camera shutter sound was off then snapped a picture of the little dinosaur playing with the baby bear. I made it my home screen saver then walked down the hall to Laura's room and rolled my eyes at the onesie sitting on the bed waiting for me. 

"I am not putting this on!" I yelled out for Laura to hear. 

"Yes you are!" She called back. 

I grabbed the onesie and popped over to the living room. "And what makes you think I'm going to put this on?" I asked staring at the damn onesie before looking up to see Mattie's smiling face as Laura held her just in front of her face. 

Laura kissed Mattie's cheeks then brought her down to lean against her cheek. "Because you love Mattie and it’s for her so she doesn't feel like the only one wearing an animal onesie." 

"She's only three months old. She won't notice." I itched with the desire to take a picture of Mattie leaning her face into Laura's. 

"She will when she sees pictures of herself later on." 

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What makes you think there'll be pictures?" 

"Because you're not as sneaking as you think you are."

I tried my best not to blush at the fact she had caught me taking a picture of the two of them earlier. "Fine. Only this one time though." 

Laura smiled and turned to Mattie. "You hear that Mattie? Your sister is going to join us!" Mattie waved her arms in response and smiled wide. 

"Using my sister against me is cheating," I grumbled. 

"I know, but you would've done it anyway. This just gets it done sooner." 

I pouted. "Cheat." 

"Go get dressed. I even left you some comfortable clothes to wear underneath so you're not trapped in jeans." 

"I doubt anything your tiny frame wears fits me." 

"I'm not much shorter than you."

"We'll see cupcake." 

I walked away down the hallway and closed her bedroom door to slip into the black sweat pants and grey Hogwarts shirt she left out for me. I rolled my eyes. The only time she'll ever get me to wear a Harry Potter shirt and she takes it. I slipped into the onesie happy to know that it actually fits and that she got the right size. I walked to the floor length mirror in the corner of her room and looked at myself and sighed heavily. A black cat. She got me to put on a black cat onesie. I swear this is the first and only time she will ever get me into one of these things. She's lucky I love Mattie so much...okay she's lucky I love them both a lot. 

I went back down the hallway in the onesie and heard the click of a camera. I scowled as I watched Laura smile triumphantly. "Proof that you put it on." 

"I will delete that." 

"Sure you will." She handed Mattie over to me. "Now smile." 

"I am not smiling." Mattie's hand smacked against my mouth and I narrowed my eyes at the teeny offending hand. I kissed her hand then moved it so I could kiss her forehead. I looked to Laura to see her gentle smile and love in her eyes before she blinked and looked down at her phone. 

"So I have some Disney movies lined up for today." 

"Disney? Really creampuff?" 

"It’s not too early to start her on Disney movies," she argued. 

"And what movie are we starting with?" 

"The Lion King...mainly because I want you to hold her up in the air while the song plays in the background." 

"I am not doing that." 

She pouted. "But it would be so cute." 

"No." 

"Please." 

"No."

"Pleeeeaaasse." 

"No."

"But it would be a cute baby picture for the both of you to look at when she gets older." 

"No."

She huffed. "Fine. But I don't want to hear it when you look back and wonder why you didn't take enough silly pictures with her when she was a baby." 

She went to her TV and turned it on along with the DVD player. She skipped through the advertisements as I pulled the playpen closer to the couch in case Mattie fell asleep we could keep her close. Mattie reached up and hit her hand against my mouth then tried to grab my lip with her tiny fingers. I pulled her fingers away then pretended to be a monster and chomp on them. She got very confused and I laughed at the look on her face. I made noming noises and watched as she pulled a face then began to open and close her mouth. 

I looked up and saw Laura quickly slip her phone back onto the coffee table then disappear into the kitchen. I played with Mattie some more as the sound and smell of popcorn cooking filled the apartment before Laura came over with it poured into a bowl. She pressed play on the movie setting the control down on her thigh as the bowl of popcorn sat between us. I looked down at Mattie and contemplated what Laura said about silly pictures. Mattie only gets to grow up once and the memories would be nice to remember later on when she's making me and Will pull our hair out. I stood up and grabbed Laura's phone handing it to her. 

"Alright I'll do the picture, but you can't show anyone unless I say so." 

"Really?" She asked while unlocking her phone. 

"Yes." 

"Yes!" She squealed excitedly before holding her phone up for the picture. 

I rolled my eyes, but at the same time was trying to hold back the smile pulling at my lips. Once the scene came on, I held Mattie up in the air at an angle where you could see our faces and not just our onesies. Laura's camera clicked away a few times then she giggled as she stared down at the phone. My phone vibrated a few times as I sat down and I looked to see it was messages from her most likely sending me the pictures. "Alright now that that's done, let's watch the movie." I settled back down with Mattie and Laura scooted closer to me placing the popcorn bowl in her lap. 

I let Mattie grip onto my finger and wave it around in her little hand as the movie played. Laura leaned her head on my shoulder and let Mattie grab onto her finger and wave it around as well. Mattie gurgled and made little noises as both her hands moved about. My chest ached with overwhelming love for both of these girls and the only thing that would make this sweeter is if Laura was actually my girlfriend, but I know we have a long way to go before that's possible for us. I know that we both have wounds and insecurities we need to work through in order to be open to the prospect of being with someone again, but I also know that we're closer to each other than we were with our partners. It’s a strange limbo to find oneself in where you're together, but not together. It’s not one of those relationships where we're going out on dates, making out, and having sex, but are labeling it complicated because you both don't want to take that step to commit to solely each other. It’s just us trying to fix ourselves before we take that next step with one other, but at the same time supporting and helping to heal each other. It’s nice though to not have the pressure of rushing into something that we're not ready for just because we love each other. 

I shifted Mattie to my other side then settled back into the couch more. I could get used to days like these where we lounge around in ridiculous outfits and watch movies. I hope it’s not always a Disney movie, but I'll deal with it if it means being able to be like this. I looked down at Mattie and saw her little pudgy face turned toward my stomach with her eyes closed and falling asleep. I looked to Laura and could see her fighting sleep as she kept forcing her eyes open whenever they would shut close. Looking closer at her I can see that she has some bags under eyes. She fought hard to stay awake, but eventually she succumbed to her sleepiness and I was thankful for the fact that she didn't wake up when I leaned forward to grab my phone. I positioned my phone high up at an angle to get both Laura and Mattie in frame and took a picture making it my lock screen wallpaper. Once that was done I settled in getting absorbed in the movie as both girls slept.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I groaned and brought my hands up to rub at my eyes as I slowly started to wake up. I opened my eyes to see that the playpen had been pulled even closer to the couch and I felt that I was lying down on my stomach. I moved my head so that I was resting on my chin and looked up to see that I was lying on Carmilla's stomach and that she was sound asleep with one hand on the playpen and another on my back that I was now feeling the weight of. I pushed myself up and peered into the playpen to see Mattie sleeping with her hands up by her face and the little yellow blanket I bought her covering her to keep her warm. I smiled at how adorable she is then eased myself off of Carmilla and the couch doing my best to not wake up either of them.

I stretched my arms up above my head then grabbed my phone and took a picture of the two sleeping beauties. I switched my home screen and lock screen wallpaper pictures so I had the one of them sleeping as my home screen and the one of Carmilla with Mattie's hand trapped between her lips as my lock screen. I set my phone back down on the table then went to my kitchen and grabbed out the chicken I had been marinating all night and morning. I began to work around the kitchen cooking up a good dinner for me and Carmilla when I began to hear the beginnings of a cry. I set everything to a low heat and went to the playpen to see Mattie fussing about. I lifted her up into my arms and picked up her diaper bag falling into my old babysitting habits. 

Once I changed Mattie, I carried her back to the kitchen to check on the food then grabbed her bottle and sat at the kitchen table to feed her comfortably. The couch creaked and I looked over to see Carmilla rolling off it. 

"What is that delicious smell?" She asked as she walked over to us. She bent down and kissed Mattie on the forehead then hesitated before pressing a kiss to my forehead as well. She then turned and went into the kitchen and began to sniff at the food cooking. 

"That would be the dinner I planned to make. It’s just a simple chicken and rice and it’s going to have a salad on the side."

She checked the heat on the stove then grabbed a spoon and began to stir the chicken. She then lifted the top off the rice letting the collected steam out in order to be able to see it better. "Have you cut up the stuff for the salad yet?"

"Not yet. Mattie was about to start crying, so I decided to take care of her so you could get some extra sleep." 

Carmilla hummed and opened the fridge. "Lettuce correct?" 

"Yes and some tomatoes and cucumbers." 

She nodded her head getting all of that stuff out as well as the pack of shredded cheese I had in the produce drawer. "Anything else that needs to be done?" She began to chop up the salad ingredients on the cutting board and pouring them into the bowl I had left out. 

I pulled the bottle away from Mattie now that she had stopped feeding from it and placed her against my shoulder to burp her. "That's all really besides waiting for what's on the stove to be done." 

She hummed biting into a slice of cucumber then tossed the salad to mix everything together. "Well it’s not much longer until the rice is done and the chicken is good to go." She reached over and turned the chicken off then placed a top on the pan. 

Mattie burped and thankfully didn't throw up, so after waiting a couple more minutes just to make sure she was good I went and settled her back into the playpen. I walked back into the kitchen and checked the rice as Carmilla moved the salad to the table. She then opened up all of my cabinets until she found the plates and cups. She set the table for the two of us as I turned the rice off and let it steam. She then went to check on Mattie as I began to plate the food. 

To be honest this whole thing is way too domestic for me. My skin was itching and I was feeling something bubbling under the surface. I tried to force it down so I could enjoy dinner with Carmilla, but the way she smiled when she looked at the food that was waiting for her on her plate and the gratefulness in her eyes was putting me on edge. It was making me feel like I was beginning to suffocate and there was this heaviness resting on my chest. My body seemed to have a mind of its own, but I did my best to appear calm on the surface. 

"Thank you for cooking. I had thought that you might just end up ordering take out or something instead." 

I reached for the cup of water set in front of me and drank some to try to clear the thickness in my throat. "I was debating whether or not to do that, but I decided that I felt like cooking today." 

"I'm glad you did because this is ridiculously good." 

"I'm glad you like it." 

She brought more food to her mouth and missed a piece or two sending them splattering onto her lap. "Shit!" 

I choked on my water as the spell that was crushing me broke. I patted my chest and she quickly jumped up and began to pat my back. "I'm okay," I said coughing to clear the burning in my throat. 

"You sure?" 

"Yup. Definitely went down the wrong pipe." 

"I'd say." She grabbed a few napkins from the center of the table handing me one then wiped her lap with another. 

I cleared my throat. "Was not expecting you to be a messy eater though. You normally don't spill when we're eating out somewhere. Also, watch your language," I chastised playfully. 

She rolled her eyes, but a smirk graced her face. "Well normally I don't have solely you I'm eating in front of, but millions of people because there's always that one photographer waiting for a good shot, so I take longer to eat because I'm concentrating more on trying to be perfect. Plus, Ell always got mad because it was difficult to get the stains out during the wash." 

"That's unfortunate." 

She shrugged. "It’s nothing new. I've been dealing with it on and off for years especially with the mother I had raising me and I thought of it as a compromise with Ell." She twirled her fork on her plate and tapped her fingers against the table. 

I reached out and forced my fingers between hers. "You can be yourself around me. I'm not going to judge or post it on the internet. You don't have to worry about me getting mad or trying to force you to be perfect. You're perfect the way you are; spilling food and all. As long as you're happy that's all that matters." 

She clenched my fingers and gave a half smile. "Thank you." 

"Anytime." 

She didn't pull back from holding my hand and to be truthful holding her hand helped to settle the rest of the uneasiness I was experiencing. In the spirit of trying to be more honest with myself lately, I have to admit that I was feeling crushed because a lot of this was playing out like nights with Danny. On one hand, I don't miss those nights because they began to feel routine and without life, but on the other I miss the easiness of us cooking dinner and sitting down together for our meals and having that time together since we were on different schedules. It’s another one of those things that I need to let go of and remind myself that I can't keep comparing the now to what was because no two situations are the same. It’s not bad to remember those past days, but I can't let it weigh me down and stop me from enjoying what's happening right in front of me.

Right now, I simply need to start focusing on the now and stop comparing the two different situations so that I can begin to put to rest the negatives of my relationship with Danny behind me so that in moving forward I don't bring those things with me and I can remember the good more than the bad. It’s getting better, but like now, it comes back like a freight train. 

We continued to hold hands as we ate our dinner then once our food had settled, Carmilla packed up all of her and Mattie's belongings then set out to head home. I walked her down to her car holding her hand tightly throughout the elevator ride to alleviate her anxiousness then waited with Mattie as she brought her car to the front. She got Mattie strapped into the backseat of the car and we both did our best to ignore the weird looks we were getting because we were still in our onesies. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I hope you had fun...well as much fun as you can have while taking care of a baby."

"I should be asking you that since you didn't have to invite me and the tiny one over." 

I smiled fully content with the way the day turned out. "It wasn't a problem at all. Any excuse to get both you and Mattie in animal onesies and watch Disney movies is a great day for me." 

"Why do I get the feeling there are going to be more onesies in the foreseeable future?" 

"You act as if it was that bad. I mean you are still wearing it out here in public." 

"Solidarity in numbers." 

I crossed my arms. "Sure it is." 

The corner of her mouth twitched. "We'll do this again right?" 

"Soon." 

"Good." She jingled her keys in her hands then pushed off her car. "So thanks-"

"Laura?" A deep timber called from the right interrupting her. 

I looked over to see my dad coming over with bags of groceries. "Dad!" I said joyfully as I went up to him and hugged him tight. 

"Hey sweetie. What are you doing out here wearing that? You should have a jacket on. It’s still pretty chilly out here." 

I stepped back to look at Carmilla to see her shoulders tensed up. "I was just saying bye to my friend Carmilla and her baby sister Mattie."

He looked at Carmilla already giving her a critical analysis from her toes to her head causing her to shift her weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably. "It’s nice to finally meet you in person since my daughter has talked about you before." He shifted the groceries to one hand and held out his other for a handshake. 

She leaned forward to shake his hand. "It’s nice to meet you as well Sir," she said with some nervousness lining the undertone of her voice. 

"And where is this Mattie that was mentioned?"

"She's in her car seat already." 

"Oh, so she's a literal baby sister. Well, mind if I double check to make sure she's secured? Can never be too careful." 

"Uh no of course not. Go ahead." 

He handed me the grocery bags and opened the door to the backseat where he awed at Mattie's adorableness then proceeded to check the straps and everything else. "Sorry. He's a worrier and safety freak," I whispered to Carmilla as I pressed my side against hers and felt her relax instantly. 

"Well you did say he still sends you day of the week bear spray and schedules for self-defense classes in your area." 

I watched as my dad came out from the back seat and closed the door gently, but firmly making sure it was in place. "It’s annoying at times, but I love him for it." 

He clapped his hands together then took the grocery bags from me. "She's all safe and cute as a button." 

"Thank you for checking Sir," Carmilla said sincerely. 

"Of course. Can never be too careful." 

I gave Carmilla another kiss on the cheek. "Alright I'll let you go for real this time. Thanks for coming over." 

"Thanks for having us. I'll message you when we get home." She kissed my cheek and gave me a tight hug. "It was nice meeting you Mr. Hollis." 

"You as well Carmilla. Drive safely." 

"I will." Carmilla got into her car making sure to buckle up before turning it on because my dad was staring at her expectantly. He nodded his head in approval then she took off back home.

I turned to my dad and noticed the curiousness in his eyes. "I didn't know you were going to stop by. How come you didn't call?" I began walking back into my building to head back to my apartment with him in tow. 

"I wanted to surprise you since you've been working late a lot and you said you had today off. I also wanted to bring you some food because I know you've probably been eating too much junk food and other unhealthy things, so I brought you healthy snacks and some food I made that you can warm up for this week." 

I leaned into him on the elevator. "Thanks dad. I appreciate it." 

"Well I have to make sure my little girl stays healthy and is taken care of." 

"You know I can take care of myself now right?" 

"Yes, but I'm your father and I'm never not going to worry about you." I led him down the hall to my apartment and unlocked it entering first since I know he likes to be the last one inside in case something happens behind us. He locked my door behind us and went to the kitchen. 

"I know you want to ask," I said while coming into the kitchen to lean against the counter. 

He began organizing what he brought in my fridge. "She seems nice." 

"She really is." 

"And she looks responsible." 

"She is." 

He closed my fridge and leaned on the counter opposite me. "Who is she to you?" 

"A friend." 

"So you kiss Perry and LaFontaine on the cheek whenever they leave?" 

"Well no." 

"But aren't they also your friends?" 

"Yes, but it’s different." 

"What's the difference?" I chewed on my lip and stayed silent. He moved closer and put his hands on my shoulders. "You don't have to tell me everything. I can tell that you're not ready for that, but can you at least tell me that you're happy and safe?"

I sighed and leaned into him for a hug. "She does make me happy and makes me feel safe." He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "I feel better when I'm with her." 

He kissed the top of my head. "Well sweetie I just don't want you getting hurt again. I don't think I'd be able to survive watching you be in pain and constantly sacrificing yourself for another person. I don't want to see you carrying around so much guilt again, but I see that it’s not as heavy on your shoulders now compared to before." 

"Yeah. Carmilla has had a hand in that." 

He pulled back and cupped my face in his hands. "I have always wanted you to be with someone worthy of how great you are and I will always be there at your side making sure you're alright, but please make sure to protect your heart more and to not hastily jump into something you're not ready for." 

"I won't dad I promise." 

He kissed the top of my head then hugged me close to him. "I want the world for you." 

"I don't want to disappoint you again." 

"You have never disappointed me," he said firmly. "You can never disappoint me. You're the best daughter any father could hope for and all I want in life is for you to find happiness and to live the life you want to live no matter the ups and downs you may face." He rubbed my back and gave me a tight squeeze. "I just want you to make sure the next one is worth giving your heart to." 

"I know dad." 

He lifted me off my feet and rocked us side to side. "I love you baby girl." 

"I love you too dad." 

He let go of me then patted my shoulders. "Now let me show you what I made for you this week. Every container is labelled for every day and I also packed your snacks up into zip lock bags for you to take to work." 

I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave him a bright smile. "Alright dad." 

He gave me a content smile and wrapped an arm around my shoulders as he began to point out what he brought me in the fridge. It was his way of changing the subject whenever he knew I didn't want to delve deeper into anything that I wasn't ready to discuss fully yet. It took him a few years to get it, but now he knows when to back up enough to let me handle things when I'm ready to and to come to him about it when I'm ready to. He wasn't too fond of having to let go just the right amount to let me be an adult and make my own decisions, but he managed after a few conversations. But I'm glad he held on enough to be there for me when I came to him about the divorce between me and Danny. He took care of me for a whole day and reminded me that not everyone is perfect which means that not everyone is perfect for each other whether they be your soulmate or not. Relationships take work on both ends regardless of what draws you together, if you can't keep it going then you have to decide when it’s time to let it go. Just like today, he reassured me that I hadn't disappointed him and that it was nearly impossible to do so. If there's one thing that I can constantly be grateful for in my life it’s that I have a wonderful dad who doesn't mind catching me when I fall and helping me stand up again when I feel like I can't. 

I also know that he sees and understands me better than anyone right now, so I know that he knows that I have deep feelings for Carmilla. True to his word though, he's going to wait for me to figure it all out. I will eventually, but right now I just want to enjoy the time I get to spend with her.


	22. Comfortable with You

**_Carmilla_ **

I groaned as another well-known media outlet's phone number popped up on my caller ID. I rejected the call and sent it to voicemail before looking back down at the new projections for my company and where we're theorizing where we're going to be at by the end of the year. With the new deals that Will was able to lock down for us, our company status has risen significantly to put us on the map as the most powerful and well known household name in the world. It also has increased me and Will's net worth at over a billion dollars from now into the foreseeable future. Even Mattie will be looking at being worth over half a billion dollars by the time she turns eighteen if the company continues on the route it’s on right now. If all goes as what's laid out on these trajectories, we will be the leading supplier of new state of the art medical equipment in all of the United States and United Kingdom as well as parts of Latin America and Europe. 

I set the papers down and picked up the new contracts once again to go over them thoroughly for what felt like the hundredth time. I don't doubt my brother’s capability to draw up a viable contract, but I have to make sure neither company is getting taken advantage of. The last thing I need is for our company to go down and our father's hard work to go with it over a mistake. If it got by Will and his lawyers as well as myself and my lawyers, then the contract was sent to finalization where copies would be made and the original stored away in a tight security area so as to not lose it or have it stolen for any reason. I doubt that either of those would happen, but my paranoia and determination to keep my father's company going makes me prepare for the worst to happen. 

I looked up at the soft knocks on my door and stored the files away in their proper folders before heading to my safe hidden in my kitchen. These documents were too important to leave out even if it’s my brother at the door. I walked to my door and looked through the peep hole to see Laura standing there with food in her hands. I opened the door slowly and couldn't stop a smile from forming on my face. 

"Hey. I wasn't expecting you to come by." 

She smiled wide and held the food up. "I thought you could use some food especially since you weren't looking too good this weekend." 

I stepped aside to let her in. "What do you mean?" 

She came in and removed her jacket laying it over the top of my couch before stepping out of her shoes and sitting down on my couch. "You look like you haven't been eating or sleeping, so I can at least help you with eating." She began to pull out hamburgers and fries as well as two drinks that had been packed snugly into a paper bag instead of a drink holder. 

I sat down beside her and she passed me one of the hamburgers. "I still haven't been able to sleep well or eat very much," I admitted. 

"Is it because of what we talked about at the playground?" 

I shrugged. "I don't think about it as much anymore, but the feeling is still sitting there you know? And I think that's what's making it hard for me to assume normal functions like eating and sleeping." I sat cross legged on the coach and balanced my food on my legs. 

"I can understand that for sure, but you know you eventually have to start getting back to eating on a regular schedule as well as getting enough sleep. It’s not just you you have to take care of. You have Mattie and she needs you as strong and well rested as possible." 

I slumped into the couch. "I know and I'm getting there."

She tucked my hair back behind my ear. "If you ever need me just let me know. I'm more than willing to have lunch with you if it helps you to remember to eat lunch or if you need to send me a dozen texts or call me to talk about what's going on, I'm here for you." 

I half smiled. "Thank you. I appreciate you being here for me." 

"Of course." She sat up and sat cross legged before pulling her own food onto her lap. "So, I heard about your new status as a billionaire." I stared at her as I bit into my hamburger. "Are you doing alright?" 

"What do you mean?

She sat back and wiped some ketchup off the corner of her mouth and held her finger up for me to wait for her to finish chewing. "I know you don't really care about the money or like dealing with the media outlets, so I wanted to know how you're feeling about everything." 

I nodded my head. "It’s overwhelming. I didn't expect for the company to get to this level when I first took charge and then brought Will in when he was old enough. My main concern was keeping it going in my father's memory." I sat back and took a moment to compose myself. "You know now that I'm thinking about it, somewhere along the line it wasn't just for my father anymore. A lot of the contracts I began to make later on were for what I believed in and now Will has been making contracts for things he believes in and I think that's why our company is making the strives it is now." I shook my head in disbelief. "I never really put much thought into it before, but now I'm realizing that it's a true and honest family company." 

"It sounds like you love the company more than you thought you did." 

I nodded my head. "I think you're right, but also that the company is more mine that I had ever wanted it to be." 

"So what do you do with that knowledge?"  

I twirled a fry around between my fingers. "I'm not sure, but I think I want to invest myself more into the company. I mean the bookstore will still be my love and first priority, but I think I want to give more attention to the company and be more present." I patted her knee. "Thank you." 

"For what? I didn't do anything." 

I shrugged. "You give me this sense of clarity to be able to think about things I haven't before and see things differently. Plus, you're the only one who has asked me how I'm doing throughout this whole thing." I stared at my food. "I sometimes feel like people believe I know how to take things in stride and move on, but truthfully I freak out and stress out just as much as the next person." 

"I think it has more to do with people thinking that since you deal with this sort of thing all the time that there's no possible way that you can still feel anxious or worried about it like it’s your first time." 

I nodded my head. "I can see that." 

Her fingers slid to the back of my neck and began to massage it. "As long as the important people in your life care about how you're doing, I don't think you should put the majority of your focus on how everyone else treats you." 

I closed my eyes and felt myself melting at her touch. "You're right. Will asked me how I was doing when he came for Mattie and Perry messaged me on behalf of herself and LaFontaine. JP and Elsie called as well." 

"And that's all that matters."

I hummed. "How long are you staying?" 

"I have the rest of the day off since they have me working on the website today, so I don't have to be anywhere important." 

"Did you want to stay here and work?" I asked not wanting to say that I want her to stay here and work.

"I don't mind as long as that's fine with you. I don't want to be in the way." 

"You're not," I answered earnestly. I cleared my throat. "I was going over some paperwork before you came and am going to finish that up, so I don't mind if you stay and work here." 

She pulled her hand away from my neck and it took a lot out if me not to whine. "I'll stay then and maybe we can order some food for later." She took a big bite of her hamburger. 

"More take out? What would your father say?" 

She shrugged. "What he doesn't know he doesn't ever have to find out about. Plus, I really want to have Chinese tonight." 

I shook my head. "Such a rebel." 

She smirked. "That's me." 

I laughed at how proud she was of it. "I don't mind having Chinese tonight. It’s been a while since I last ate some." 

"Does Will have Mattie for the week?" 

"Yes he does."

"How has he been doing?" 

"Really well. He's finally found his stride with her, so he doesn't have a lot of trouble like he did in the beginning. Although we both call each other crying at times because there are moments where we have no idea what we're doing," I said while laughing. 

"Oh I can definitely see that happening," she said while laughing as well. 

"She's difficult sometimes," I joked. 

"I don't doubt it. She has a big pair of lungs in that tiny body of hers." 

"Exactly. I fall into giving her what she wants because I don't want her to keep cry and it makes me feel bad when she cries."

"Oh she has you wrapped around her teeny little finger for sure." 

I tilted my head back. "I know! She's going to be a devil when she becomes a teenager." 

"You reap what you sow." 

I groaned and threw a fry at her. "Not helping."

She threw a fry back. "No one told you to be a softie." 

I threw another fry. "Still not helping." 

She tossed another at me. "I'll get you parenting books." 

I reached over grabbing one of her fries and throwing it at her. "Not helping." 

She took all of my fries and threw a few at me. "That's because you haven't read them yet," she sassed. 

I glowered at her. "You stole my fries." 

"That's what happens when you play with your food." She shoved a handful of my fries in her mouth. 

I snatched her fries from her. "And that's what you get for being greedy." I shoved a handful of her fries in my mouth then held them up and away from her. 

She glared at me then set her burger and my fries down on the table before hopping up to try to take her fries back. I did my best to chew as fast as I could so I wouldn't choke. I shoved at her to get her off of me and she backed off only to grab my burger and put it on the table as well before practically tackling me. 

"Give me my fries back!" 

"Nope!"

"Give them!"

I laughed and got on my knees to add more height to myself to hold them further away. "Nuh uh!" 

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pulled me back on top of her. "Carm!"

I laughed as I brought the fries down before I spilt them all over us. "Don't start something you can't finish!" 

She lowered her hands and began to tickle my sides. I jerked and tossed the fries on the table spilling them all over. "Laura!" I squealed. 

She locked her legs around my waist to keep me in place as she attacked me with her wiggly fingers. "What was that about not finishing what I started?" 

I tried to turn over and grab her hands. "OK ok! You win!" I shouted having failed to turn the tables. 

She tickled me a bit longer then wrapped her arms around me. "I accept your surrender." 

I chuckled and pushed my hair out of my face. "You win this round cupcake." 

"It’s a start."

I rolled my eyes and sat up while trying to stop myself from grinning. "Gloat all you want. I'll get you next time."

"We'll see."

She sat up with me and grabbed a fry biting half of it off then offering me the other half. "Uh huh. We will." 

I reached over and grabbed a few fries before picking my hamburger up again. "Let's finish eating before this food gets unbearably cold." 

She reached over and took a bite of my burger. "It is getting cold." 

I scowled at her until she held her burger out to me to take a bite. "Yes, well I don't know about you, but sometimes food doesn't taste good after its been microwaved." 

She nodded her head. "Yeah I have some I really would rather eat cold than stick in the microwave. Burgers I can deal with though. Fries on the other hand not so much."

I nodded in agreeance. "Fries seem to turn into a soggy mess or stale after the microwave and I haven't found a way to save them after." 

"Neither have I." 

I turned to plant my back against the arm rest and brought my knees up to my chest. "What are you doing tomorrow for lunch?" 

"I don't know yet. I'm working tomorrow and usually pack myself a lunch, but I am really having a lazy week in that department even though my dad made me food that I could take with me."

"Did he not make you anything you liked?"

"He did, but I'm just not feeling it this week. I'm still eating them for dinner or at like two in the morning when I can't sleep and am hungry, but I don't know. This week I don't feel like home cooked meals." 

"Well at least you're eating what your dad made you, so that has to count." 

"That's exactly what I was thinking." 

"Please don't tell your father I'm encouraging your behavior," I chuckled. 

She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth as she tried not to laugh around the food she was chewing. "I don't think he would blame you for it. He'd think I convinced you it was a foolproof plan." 

"Oh well then tell him all you want."

She reached out and slapped my knee lightly. "Jerk." 

"All in good fun." 

She rolled her eyes and polished off her burger. "Where's the nearest plug in case my laptop starts to die on me?" 

I pointed to the wall on her other side. "Right there and we can scout the couch over if your cord is too short." 

"I don't want to have you move your furniture." 

I shrugged. "Its fine really. I used to do it all the time for-" I stopped abruptly. I stared at my food then stood up quickly. "Let me know if we have to move it." I went to the kitchen finishing off what was left before tossing the wrapper.

I heard the crumbling of wrappers then the ruffling of paper bags followed by the zipping of a zipper. I went to my safe and retrieved my paperwork then set them on the counter before heading to my fridge to get a bottle of water. I stared inside my fridge trying to compose myself and didn't hear the soft padding of feet heading my way. I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and a chin resting on my shoulder before a soft press of lips to my cheek was next. I wrapped an arm on top of hers. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No."

"Are you ok?" 

I tapped my fingers against the door of the fridge. "I will be since you're here."

She began to swipe her thumb up and down to sooth me. "I have you."

I squeezed her arms and tried to calm myself. "It has gotten easier since we talked." I could feel her skeptical gaze. "Well, minus the not sleeping and eating properly. Emotionally I'm starting to heal. There are just times where things stab at me." 

"I know that feeling."

"Does it get better?" 

"I'll let you know when I find out." 

I hummed and began to rub her arm with my thumb and shut my fridge. The times in which I feel like a knife has been stabbed and then twisted inside me always takes me a while to get over because I feel like I've fallen down a pitch-black pit without any way of getting out. The only options I have is to curl up as tightly as possible and try to shut the world out while at the same time trying to scream above the noise in my head and the ripping feeling in my chest. It has gotten better since now it happens every so often instead of once a day like before. I don't spend that many late nights after putting Mattie to sleep with my blanket pulled over my entire body and curled up in a ball until she starts crying as much anymore. There are instances where it does happen, but its once a week instead of five.   
It’s going to take time to be able to breathe again, but having the support from friends and family helps. Mattie, Will, and Laura being the main reasons I'm able to keep functioning. 

I relaxed into Laura feeling how strong and grounded she was. Feeling how much she's supporting me not just emotionally, but physically in this moment. "I'm OK," I whispered. 

"You sure?" 

I squeezed her arm. "I'm sure." 

She kissed my shoulder then released me slowly and stood behind me against the counter. "Can you get me a water as well?" 

I grabbed two water bottles out of the fridge then handed her one. "Thank you." 

"Anytime." 

I nodded my head. "I'm going to grab my paperwork." 

She searched my eyes for a brief second then squeezed my arm. "I'll be in the living room." 

I watched her go to the living room then went to my safe as soon as she had sat down. I tucked the folder under my arm and walked back to the living room taking a seat right next to her. She shifted her laptop on her lap in order to balance it better as she booted it up and I pulled the documents out and grabbed the pen off the coffee table I was using earlier. Her fingers ran through my hair soothingly as she waited for her laptop and I sunk into the couch at how comfortable it felt. 

I almost whined at the loss of contact when she started to pull her work up, but she leaned into my side more warming me up. I glanced at her as she started to type and couldn't help the feeling of overwhelming happiness flood through my body. I leaned down to kiss her shoulder then turned back to my paperwork while still keeping my gaze on her through the corner of my eyes. A small smile graced her lips. 

Yeah. I'll be fine eventually.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I tapped my pencil against my desk as I reread my article and compared it to my written notes making sure I got all the details in there correctly with proper grammar and structure. The office began to get louder with whispers and people shushing each other. I groaned as I read the same line three times because of the sudden increase in volume around me and tried again. 

"Uh Laura?" Betty asked. 

"Huh?" I answered. 

"You might want to look up."

"Why?" 

"Laura?" Carm's voice broke through my work bubble. 

I turned and stared at her surprised. "Hey."

"Hey." 

I gaped at her as she slipped her hands into her pockets feeling out of place. I jumped up and wrapped her in a hug. "I wasn't expecting you." 

She chuckled. "I know, sorry. I wanted to surprise you and you did say last night that you didn't know what you were doing for lunch today, so I thought we could grab something," she said unsurely. 

"Yes. Of course. I'd love to get out of here for lunch. I just need to finish proofing this article and send it out to editorial." 

She nodded her head and looked around. "Alright. I don't mind waiting." 

"Actually," Betty interrupted. "I can finish proofing and send it off for you if you want so you two can head out now." She gave me a pointed look then nudged her head to the side drawing my attention to the people in the office. 

I surveyed the office noticing people trying to take discreet pictures or on the phone whispering. "I'd appreciate that."

"Great, so you two go ahead and I'll deal with this." Betty stood up, grabbed my coat off my chair, then took a seat and held it out to me.

I took my coat and slid it on. "Thank you. You're the best." I bent down to give her a hug.

"You owe me Hollis," she whispered. 

"I'll talk to you later." I released her and grabbed my bag off the hook on my cubicle. "Ready to go?" I asked Carm. 

"Ready when you are," she responded. 

I smiled and began to lead her out of the office to the elevator. "I'm sorry about all of them," I whispered to keep our conversation as private as possible. 

She glanced around. "Its fine. I'm used to a mass of people taking pictures and writing down every little thing I do." 

"I know, but it doesn't feel right for them to do so when you came in here looking for someone and not to do an interview." 

"No, but that's how journalists are. I mean you would do the same if it was someone else, right?" 

I titled my head slightly. "I guess you're right. I would if I was in their shoes, but since I'm not right now, its irritating." 

She chuckled. "The struggles of being a respectful person while also being a nosy journalist." 

I shrugged. "You got me there."

She pressed the button to call the elevator. "So, I didn't think of anything past coming to get you, so what do you feel like eating today?" 

The doors opened and I stepped onto the elevator. "I'm not sure. I'm feeling like I want a salad, but at the same time I really want a chocolate milkshake." 

She leaned back as the floors dinged by. "Well I think I might know a place where you can get both." 

"Really?" 

She smirked. "You really get to know the city when people are trying to impress you all the time." 

"Well isn't that convenient." 

"It can be when I'm hungry and want something different from what I'm always getting." 

"I suppose." I leaned back next to her. "Is Mattie with Will this week?" 

"Yes. He was showing me some brochures for an early development class that he heard about from this woman at the park."

I raised my eyebrow questioningly. "Is Will using Mattie to get dates?" 

"He says it’s the easiest way to make sure that they're alright with kids." 

"I can see how beneficial that is."

"Don't tell him that. It'll only encourage him to continue to do so." 

I grinned and nudged her. "Come on. Be happy that he's actually giving a relationship some thought." 

She bit her lip then released it slowly. "I know, but I don't want him to get hurt like I did by picking the wrong girl. He still hasn't received his soulmate mark either at this point and I don't want him to settle with the first girl he meets because he hasn't met his soulmate and feels like he has to settle down as soon as possible in order to feel like an honest adult or like he's finally changing and growing up." 

"Have you told him that?" 

"Why would I?" 

"Because you treat him like a child sometimes, like for example what you did with the contract for your mother and Mattie. You went around him and cut him out of the final decision instead of talking to him like an adult and making it clear he had to be unbiased about the decision you know you had to make in order to protect your company. I know he's your little brother, but at the same time he is also an adult and needs to be treated as such. That's why it might be good for him to hear it from you that he doesn't have to rush or doesn't have to jump into a relationship or get married as soon as possible to show that he is responsible. He's already showing he's capable of more and you're proud of him." 

She tilted her head back. "You'll have to say all that again so I can say it verbatim to him," she joked. 

"I think you're more than capable enough to give your own speech." 

"I would hope so."

"You are. I know it."

She broke out into a wide smile. "Your faith in me is refreshing at times."

"I wouldn't have any if you didn't earn it," I said sincerely. 

She looked at me with shock in her eyes which then turned into appreciation. "Thank you." 

"You don’t have to thank me." The elevator doors dinged. "Now lead us all great one."

She shook her head as she laughed then walked out first. A few people pulled out their phones or cameras to take pictures and I bit my tongue to keep my comments to myself. "On a scale of one to ten, how hard is it for you to not say anything?" She asked playfully. 

"A good one hundred." She bit her lip and tried to contain her laugh. "It’s not funny!"

"It really is when you take in the fact that you have the same job as them." 

I rolled my eyes. "Let's not remind me of that in this moment."

She shrugged. "You know I was actually hoping that you would do my interview so that I can get some of these journalists off my back." 

"You haven't set up interviews with anyone yet?"

"I was hoping I could ignore them and the news would die down, but Will is pushing for it because he thinks it'd be good for our company and also that it would get rid of them faster especially since he almost punched some guy in the face this morning because he made Mattie cry and wouldn't leave." 

I frowned and balled my hand into a fist. "Now that's where I draw the line of what I would do and of understanding. I don't like people who don't know how to give space when there's children involved or to not involve them at all. It’s not the kid's fault that their guardian is famous, and their boundaries should be respected." 

Her hand covered my own and rubbed the back of it until I loosened my hand enough for hers to slip into mine. "She's alright. Will got some help from the other parents that were walking with their own babies at the park." 

I squeezed her hand. "It’s not right though."

"I know. That's why we're hoping if we do the interview with you it will get them to back off."

I took a calming breath then ran my fingers through my hair. "I would love to, but considering all the pictures that were just taken of us, I'm afraid people will think I'm being bias, but I can see if Betty can do it since you two have spoken briefly before." 

"Very brief, but she did come off as having a good head on her shoulders and very upfront." 

"You have no idea," I joked. 

She removed her hand from mine and wrapped her arm around my shoulder pulling me into a side hug and kissing my cheek while laughing. "Don't sound too happy about it."

I wrapped an arm around her waist. "It’s not a bad thing at all. It certainly keeps me on my toes which I appreciate."

"Yeah I find it hard to find people who have no issues with being blunt with you even if it does hurt your feelings."

"I think it’s because they get called out for it and made to feel as if they're the worst people ever that makes some change the way they are."

"I guess so. I mean I have called out people for being overly blunt before."

"So have I, but Betty has a balance and only really says anything because she absolutely and undeniably cares about you and wants you to know that you can be and do better." 

"It seems like she's a really good friend." 

"She really is." I tapped my fingers against her waist. "She helped me see some things from a different perspective and was there for me through some of the fallout with Danny. I don't think I've thanked her enough for that." 

"I'm sure she knows how thankful you are." 

"I hope so." I looked at her and squeezed her hip tighter to mine in a hug then released her. "I hope you know how thankful I am for all that you did for me as well." 

She smiled softly. "I do." She stopped and pulled me into a big tight hug. "You did so much for me as well and I appreciate it."

I grinned and hugged her tightly back. "Any time."

She released me and took half a step back. "Alright let's get some food." She held her hand out and I took it. 

"So where exactly are you taking me?"

"There's this small diner on the next block between these small tax firms that no one really pays attention to unless you've heard of it."

"And one of your clients took you there?" I ask suspiciously. 

"We were out drinking before because they're a party person and then we ate hangover food, but I promise it was still good because I went back when I was sober." 

"OK. I was just about to ask you that."

"I know. Will had that same look when I brought him here once after a very long and grueling meeting."

"Did he end up liking it?"

"Of course. He comes in once a week if he can. He's in love with their breakfast burritos."

I couldn't stop myself from laughing. "That sounds like a working relationship," I joked.

She smirked. "You might be right about that." She pulled me along until we finally got to the small hole in the wall diner. "Here we are!" She said proudly. 

I stared at it noticing that it blended in perfectly with the buildings around it and could tell why I never knew or noticed it before. "You really do have to know about this place."

"By building code in this district the outside has to look like all the other buildings, but the inside has a classic diner feel and décor." 

"Well that's boring for the outside."

She shrugged and reached for the door. "Those are rules and regulations for you." 

I stepped inside first and stopped to marvel at the small quaint diner with its bright red booths and chairs, white and red walls, plus a counter that looks like it was resurfaced wood. "Wow."

"I know. Everything has been replaced recently because of wear and tear, but they do their best to stick with the old school feel as much as possible." She gave me a moment to take in the diner some more. 

I nodded my head and reached for her hand. "OK. I think I've let it sink in enough."

"You sure?" 

I looked around again taking in the silver sides of the stools at the counter and the jukebox in the back. "Yes. I'm sure." 

She tugged on my hand to draw my attention. "Let's sit in one of the booths then." I followed her lead to the nearest booth and slid into my seat as she took the one across from me. "I didn't know you would enjoy it this much." 

I reached for the menu and stared at the choices I had in order to avoid making eye contact. "My grandfather used to take me to diners, so I haven't been to one since he passed away three years ago." Her finger hooked over the center of my menu and gently tugged at it to get my attention. I let out a breath and met her gaze. 

She smiled sadly. "My dad used to bring us to diners whenever he could take us on his business trips. I have the cheesy postcards or other memorabilia that they would sell at them to remember which ones I've been to. This is the first diner I've stepped into since he died and it was because this is one he hasn't taken us to which makes it easier to swallow, so if you need a minute then take it because I still do."  
I let out a shaky breath and reached over to thread our fingers together. I caressed her thumb to comfort her because even though I'm going through the pain of my band aid being ripped off and the wound being exposed, I know she needs the comfort too. I looked at her to see that her gaze was fixed on our hands and the movement of my thumb as she trapped her bottom lip between her teeth. We stayed this way for a while until she closed her eyes then opened them and shook our hands. She met my gaze and reached over with her free hand to wipe at the tears that I didn't even feel had formed. 

"I'm fine," I whispered. 

"So am I," she answered back. 

I smiled slightly then wiped at my own eyes. "We should eat."

"Of course. You probably don't have much time left for your lunch hour." 

"Betty will cover for me if I'm a bit late. I mean I've done it for her a few times because her mother likes to surprise her with random visits to talk about her love life."

"Betty doesn't have a soulmate?" 

I signaled the waitress to let her know we were ready to order. "No and her mom doesn't stress her out about that, she mostly wants her to pick anyone and settle down and have kids." The waitress came over and I got my chocolate milkshake and Carm got herself some iced tea.

"Everyone has their stressors." 

I nodded my head. "Oh yeah. You learn a lot about your coworkers when you’re in close courters all the time."

She chuckled. "I'm glad I don't have that issue. JP is mostly private until you ask him something directly and Elsie prefers to be snarky on a consistent basis so nothing from her unless I'm able to pry it out of her." 

"Want to trade?" 

"No I'm good." 

The waitress came back with our drinks then took our food orders. "You sure? Betty does come along with the offer."

"I think I'm good. I prefer to avoid the media not work in it."

"Or in this case you prefer to be best friends with it."

She smirked. "You got me there." 

"That tends to happen quite a lot."

She folded her hands on the table. "Someone's feeling cocky."

"Do I have a reason not to?" 

She tilted her head to the side then opened her hands in surrender. "I suppose not. Don't let it get to your head though." 

"I believe that if I did you wouldn't mind popping my balloon." 

"I'm sure I have a needle somewhere that needs to have a new job." 

I smirked at her enjoying our playful banter. "So what does one do when they become a billionaire?"

She set her drink down and smiled. "Get a new apartment." 

I quirked my eyebrow up. "Really?" 

She nodded. "I'm going to get a three-bedroom apartment so Mattie has her own room and I have an extra room to turn into my office since I'm going to get more serious about the company." 

I leaned forward and rest my chin in my hand. "That's a good idea. Any particular area you're planning to move to?" 

"I haven't decided yet, but I know I have to get something near Will so that Mattie can stay in the same school system whether she stays with me or him."

"Is he planning to stay where he's at right now?" 

"Yes. I asked him and he said he's not planning to move since his penthouse has three bedrooms, so he doesn't have to stretch to accommodate Mattie." 

I hummed in agreeance. "Have you started looking yet?"

"Not yet. I only thought of it last night. I have some time since she's still a baby, but I'd rather do it sooner rather than later so she can grow up in it and build memories." 

"Are you still going to cart her between your place and Will's every week?"

She stared at the table and picked at the top with her nail. "We haven't really thought about that yet."

"More like at all?" 

She grinned and rolled her eyes. "OK, yes, not at all." She shrugged. "Let me find a new place first and then I'll talk it over with Will and see what happens." 

I nodded my head and reached over to grab her hand to comfort her. "There's no perfect way to raise Mattie, but I know you'll do your best to make it as perfect as possible."

She threaded our fingers together. "I know. It’s just sometimes I feel overwhelmed and talking to you is one of the ways I'm able to feel more confident about it all." 

"I'm here whenever you need me."

"I know and I appreciate it." She squeezed my hand then slowly released it.

I felt at pang in my chest from the loss of contact, but pulled my hand back as well. I looked to our waitress to see her bringing over our food. "Looks like it’s time to eat." 

She looked over her shoulder to the waitress. "Great because I'm actually hungrier now than when we first set off." 

I fought to keep my grin at bay. "Let's hope everything is as great as you say it is."

"It will be, trust me." She winked and reached for the ketchup. I shook my head then thanked the waitress once she put our food down on the table. 

It certainly was as good as she said it would be and the rest of lunch was the most joy I've had in a long time. I forgot how it felt to have lunch with someone since everyone was always busy. I could get used to this if she wants to have lunch with me more often. I want her to have lunch with me more often especially if I get to see her smile and laugh as much as right now as well as how light and refresh I feel from getting away from the stress from earlier. 

Carmilla always does that for me. She always makes everything better and I appreciate that more than ever. I can certainly get used to this.

 


	23. Maybe It's Time

**_Laura_ **

I woke up to the coldness of the other half of my bed that I just rolled onto. I lifted my head and looked around blurrily for a moment and didn't see Carm. I looked to the crib at the corner of my room and she wasn't there either. I turned back over then continued to roll until my feet touched the ground and I sat up. I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed the sleep from my eyes before standing up and checking to see if Mattie was still in her crib.

She was sound asleep with her little hands resting on the sides of her face. I grabbed the pair of baby monitors from my night stand and turned them on making sure they worked before clipping one to the waist band of my shorts. I walked out of the room down the hall and didn't see her in the living room. I looked to the kitchen, but noticed that the window to my fire escape was opened and I could see the light of her laptop as well as the top of her head. I grabbed the blanket folded on top of my couch then went over to my window. 

"Aren't you cold?" I asked and her head shot up with a sheepish smile on her face. 

"Why are you up?"

"I got cold and noticed someone wasn't in bed anymore." 

"Mattie?" 

"Still sleeping." I climbed through the window then sat next to her making sure to wrap half the blanket around her and unclip the baby monitor to place on my lap so she can see it. "I set up the baby monitor." She nodded her head and gave me a curious look. "What?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You're giving me a strange look." 

A light blush of pink filled her cheeks. "I, uh, I didn't think you would do all this simply because I said I might want to sleep over with Mattie." She stared down at her laptop. "You didn't have to do all this you know." 

I rest my head on her shoulder so she could relax and not feel pressured by my gaze on her. "I don't mind. I thought it would make you feel better since I've seen you reading those online horror stories of accidents happening from babies sleeping in the same bed as their parents among other accidents."

She hummed and tapped her finger against her laptop. "Thank you."

I nodded my head and got more comfortable against her side. "What's keeping you awake?" 

She scrolled down to show me pictures of apartments. "I was looking at some available apartments near Will and was trying to figure out what exactly I was looking for outside the number of bedrooms and schools." 

"Are you looking for a specific layout or something already furnished?" 

"I want to furnish it myself. I don't like the idea of living in someone else's dream design." 

"Then you're looking for a specific layout?" 

"I suppose so." She scrolled down some more. "I honestly don't know what I'm looking for, but I know I have to pick something soon for Mattie." 

"Want my advice?" 

"I'd appreciate it."

"Visit all of the apartments. There's only so much you can get from a picture. You have to be in that space to be able to see the potential or your future in it."

"Is that how you chose this apartment?" 

"No." I sat up and folded my hands in my lap. "I chose this apartment because it was different from my last one and something I knew would be temporary. I didn't care too much about how I felt in it. I just needed something that I could use to forget and start over." 

"Sorry." 

I turned to her with a weak smile. "Its fine. Everyone has their reasons and methods for picking an apartment."

She placed her hand on top of mine and rubbed her thumb against them. "To be truthful, I'm also trying to leave my baggage in my apartment and start fresh somewhere else." I moved my hands so hers could slip between mine. "I've started to feel the ghosts of everything in every inch of that apartment and it’s starting to drive me insane. I'm starting to spend more time at Will's or outside then in my apartment because its suffocating me to be in there. That's why I was glad when you said we could spend the night here." 

I thread my fingers through hers. "I don't mind if you stay here. If you really need to its fine. It doesn't bother me. I enjoy having you both here."

"I don't want to seem like I'm taking advantage."

I grinned. "I wouldn't mind it if you were. To be honest I am being selfish about it."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been feeling lonely and I do try to hang out with LaF and Perry, but they have their own life and can't always take the time to hang out, so I'm being selfish in that I'm taking this time with you and Mattie to not be lonely." 

She hummed. "Well as long as we agree that we're mutually using each other for good reason I think we'll still work out." 

I laughed and shook my head. "You make it sound like a business arrangement." 

She smirked and pulled on my hand. "I'm only joking, but if I'm being truthful, I also have been feeling lonely and Mattie isn't a great conversationalist."

"Don't let her hear that," I joked.

She laughed and released my hand to wrap her arm around me and pull me closer. "Well that's going to have to be our little secret then." 

"I suppose."

She wrapped the blanket more comfortably around our shoulders. "I don't think it’s a bad thing so long as we both don't want to be alone." 

"I'm fine so long as you are." 

She scrolled down slowly on the apartments. "Good. What do you think of this one?" 

"The balcony will be good for the summer. You just have to baby gate it for some extra safety measures if you don't mind the extra work."

She added the listing to her favorites. "I don't mind the work. I really want to make the place as perfect as possible." 

"You'll do it, but don't go too overboard or you might get overwhelmed by how much you have to do." 

"I won't. I'm not that crazy." 

"Alright, but if you need help I'm sure Will can lend a hand and you can always ask me." 

"Thank you." 

"Anytime." 

We cuddled as she continued to go through the available listings and saving the ones she saw the most potential in. The majority of them had balconies while others had a wall of glass that looked out over a section of the city skyline. I could tell there was a theme where she was looking for something that gave her a space to stare out at some scenery and get lost in thought. It was definitely heading in the opposite direction of her current apartment. She may seem like she's holding it together, but the bags under her eyes give it away that she's still having trouble sleeping. Hopefully one day she won't have to struggle with that unless Mattie gets sick or is having a rough night. For now, all I can do is be here for her for whatever she may need. 

 

 

 

 

 

I crossed my ankles and rest my chin in the palm of my hand as I stared out the window to the busy sidewalk. Some of the kids turned to look at me and waved and I wondered if Mattie would do that when she got older. Would she wave to a random stranger or will she actually listen to the whole stranger danger speech? I wonder if Carm is going to give her the stranger danger speech as well as the no drugs and alcohol one. Maybe Will is going to do it since he's becoming more responsible. I wonder if they would mind if I did it if they don't? 

The bell on the door rang and I looked up to see LaF strolling in with a big grin on their face. I smiled as well and stood up to give them a hug. 

"Laura!" They said joyfully as they gave me a tight squeeze. 

"Hey LaF." I let them go then took my seat. "Where's Perry?" 

"She ended up getting called in for an emergency. Something about one of her kids getting into a fight, so she had to go deal with that. She says hi by the way and that she'll make it up to you with a movie night sometime this weekend since she doesn't have to be on call." 

"Oh that's fine. She doesn't have to make it up to me." 

"Yeah well you know how she is. Once she sets her mind to it you can't change it. Besides she says she hasn't seen you in a while and wants to hang out and catch up especially since your face has been all over the gossip columns of magazines and the internet because of Carmilla."

I rolled my eyes. "You know there's no truth in any of those."

"The pictures could fool anyone." They reached for a menu with a smug smile on. 

"Published pictures are meant to fool anyone."

They hummed and gave me a skeptical Look. "So you're telling me nothing is going on between you two?" 

"No. Nothing is going on."

"Are you sure because those recent pictures of you and Carmilla taking a wonderful stroll through the park with cute baby Mattie was to die for," they said with a self-satisfied smile on their face. 

I narrowed my eyes at them. "You know if Perry was here she would have told you to leave me alone by now."

"Well it’s a good thing she isn't here then." 

"You're lucky."

"In more ways than one." 

I groaned and sat back. "Alright I'm changing the subject now."

They shook their head and waved down the waitress. "Oh no you don't. You don't get to steer away. I haven't heard anything new about you two, so you will spill your guts." The waitress came over and took our drink orders. 

I leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand. "Alright. What do you want to know?" 

"How are you doing since the divorce?" 

"I'm getting better. There is still some things I have to work through, but I'm getting to a good place." 

"And how is Carmilla?" 

"From what I can see, she's having a rough time with having broken up with her ex."

"And what about Mattie?" 

"Carm's really good with her. She puts Mattie first above her own needs and although its admirable, I think she needs some time to herself. Some real time. Not the week she spends without Mattie when she's with Will. I mean some real alone time, but she'll never do it because of Mattie, so things look like they're going slow for her." 

They nodded their head. "I got a chance to see her recently because I went with Perry to check on Elsie and Carmilla looked tired. She said she was fine, but since her whole life is a public affair, I knew she wasn't since she broke up with her ex. It seems a lot worse than what the gossip columns let on."

"You'll have to ask her about it, but she's moving along." 

"That's good. Do you two hang out a lot?" 

"We do. She's started to sleep over with Mattie some nights, so I'm enjoying waking up to the both of them." 

They gave me a smug smile. "Well don't you sound all domestic." 

"It’s not like that."

They turned around to the people sitting behind us. "Excuse me?" They asked drawing the attention of the people at the table. 

"What can we do for you?" The brunette asked.

"I was wondering if you could tell me what this scenario sounds like to you."

"Ok. Shoot what's the scenario?" The brunette’s friend across from her leaned in to hear better. 

"So there's these two people who have feelings for one another, but aren't dating. One of them has a kid and they start to stay over at the other's house where that person says and I quote, 'I'm enjoying waking up to the both of them.' Now what does that sound like to you?" I tried to hide my blushing face as best as possible. 

"Sounds like they skipped the dating phase and went straight to marriage," the other friend said. 

"I have to agree with my friend. That sounds like a picture-perfect family moment there." 

LaF nodded with a cocky smile on their face. "Thank you. Just needed another view point on the matter." 

"You're welcome," they both said then turned back to each other. 

LaF turned around with a horribly unbearable know-it-all look on their face and I scowled then threw a balled-up napkin at them and huffed. They laughed and tossed the napkin back at me. "Don't act like a child," they chastised while wearing a ridiculously big grin. 

"I can't believe you asked some strangers about it." 

They quirked an eyebrow up. "You really can't believe it?" 

I growled. "OK so I can believe it because it’s you, but that still doesn’t change the fact that it was ridiculously embarrassing."

They shrugged. "It is only if you let it be, but now you can't say your life doesn't sound like domestic bliss." 

"Fine, I'll admit it sounds that way." They did a fist pump. "But it’s nothing else." 

They gave me a skeptical look. "Now we both know that's a lie." I cocked my eyebrow up at them. They rolled their eyes. "Are you going to really sit there and tell me that nothing is going on at all? And I don't mean physically." 

I grabbed the paper napkin ball and began to hit it back and forth between my palms. Thankfully the waitress came over to get our food order so I could delay the inevitable clawing feeling that was scratching at my chest. 

"Laura," they said gently and reached across the table to place a hand over mine. "If you really don't want to talk about it then that's fine, but you maybe need to talk to yourself at least and be truthful." 

"Only you would suggest talking to yourself Dr. Frankenstein."

They smiled wide. "It does really help, but if you don't want to talk to yourself out loud, writing it down instead is always a good option as well." 

I patted their hand and gave them a half smile. "You're the one that can read me the best." 

"I know. It’s a super power," they joked. "But on a serious note. Don't bottle things up because eventually it’s going to spill over or explode all together. If you need to talk to someone who isn't going to judge you then you can call me and I'll sit there and listen like I always do." They squeezed my hand.

"You don't have to do this alone and whatever you do is what's best for you, so I will never judge you for that." 

I stared down at the table and nodded my head. "I think I have to start with myself first before I can say it out loud to someone else." 

"OK. Take your time. There's no need to rush things." 

"I know. As much as I want to, I still need time to heal." 

"And that's perfectly fine. There's no right or wrong way nor a set timer that says when you should or shouldn't be alright with everything again and move on. That's all about you. Let people yell if they want to. If you're happy then that's all that matters." 

I hummed and smiled. "Thank you for being patient with me and always supporting me through everything."

"Of course. That's what best friends do for one another." 

I let out a heavy breath then sat up straighter. "So what is it that you and Perry wanted to tell me?" 

A dopey smile framed their face and they shook their head. "We actually want to tell you together, so can we put that on hold until this weekend?" 

"Sure. Just let me know what day I can come over." 

"We will." 

Somehow I think they might be getting ready to say they're ready for kids. I don't know why, but I have this feeling. 

 

 

 

 

 

I rubbed my tired eyes to work out the blurriness of sleep that was trying to claim it. I still have to proof read my article and email it before I can go to bed and wrap myself into a tight warm cocoon. I set my laptop aside and got up to stretch hearing my back pop. I looked down at the coffee table and stared at my notebook with my notes in it and my pen. I bit down on my bottom lip and worried it before grabbing my pen and heading down the hall to my bedroom. 

I went to my closet and rummaged through my box of extra notebooks and grabbed a free one then headed back to my living room. I made my way to the window and unlatched to climb out onto my fire escape. The cold wasn't so bad tonight and was actually a refresher. It was calming in a way since my insides felt like they were burning up. All day I have spent drifting in and out of thought about LaF's advice to write what I'm feeling down. 

I drummed my pen against my notebook and stared at it until finally opening it up to the first blank page. I put the date on the page then stared at it for a while longer. I was tempted to have a SpongeBob moment and just write the word "The" in fancy script then leave it like that for a few hours. I sighed and decided not to address the page to myself or with "Dear Diary," because it wasn't a diary, so I addressed it "To Truth." 

_To Truth,_

_I write to you because I need to admit a truth. It has almost been a year since I have moved here and within that year I have been in a marriage, fallen for another woman, and gotten divorced, but those are only the facts. I have moved to a new apartment and I have started to piece myself together again with the pieces that are mine alone and no one else's, but these too are only facts._

_You see I have no qualms with any of these things. They are what they are. Do I wish that I could change things for the better? I do, but does that mean I would if really given the opportunity? Probably not. The reason is because for once in the last few years that I have been in a relationship and then in a marriage I have felt free because I am alone again. I am left with myself and even though guilt and heartache still linger, I am happy._

_But to get to the truth of this. The more time I spend with the woman I fell in love with, the more in love I seem to fall. I have noticed that I am noticing more about her and that the days I get to spend with her are the days where I go to sleep with a smile on my face and my heart feeling twice its size. I feel an overwhelming need to make her smile whenever we're together and I always seem to get side tracked whenever she's animatedly talking about her company or her book shop because its adorable how her eyes light up or how she gets this over excited look on her face when things go well or when she scrunches up her eyebrows when things aren't going good. I always have to restrain myself because I have this ache to want to press my lips against every available inch of her skin or to feel her lips on mine again since it’s been so long and I don't really count the first time because it happened at the wrong time._

_I try to contain my laughter and smile into my cup every time she drops food on herself and has a minor freak out about it because it’s too cute the way her eyes widen at the realization of what happened and how she quickly tries to clean it up then groans when she sees its left a stain. I like the way she twirls her pen between her fingers while she reads over documents or the way she bites her lip when something on them isn't making sense. I love the way she loses all sense of her surroundings whenever she has Mattie in her arms and talks in a soft and caring baby voice as well as pretending to be a monster sent over to eat all of Mattie's food when she decides to throw it around instead. I love watching her glow whenever she's with Mattie and how she seems to light up like a star in the dark sky whenever she looks at Mattie or is near her._

_I like the way her body feels warm when we sit next to each other or are sharing my bed because I refuse to have her sleep uncomfortably on my couch. I find myself gazing at her sleeping face and trying not to wake her up with my laughter when her mouth drops open and some drool ends up slipping onto the pillow underneath her. I frown whenever she begins to have a nightmare and have figured out that whispering that she's safe and alright as well as running my fingers through her hair that she calms down, but for the bigger ones that cause her to thrash about I wrap my arms securely around her tucking her head under my chin and rubbing her back until she relaxes._

_You see the truth is, that I've never felt this type of tidal wave of love for someone before and it terrifies me._

_I don't want things to go wrong again._

 

* * *

**_Carmilla_ **

I walked through the condo slowly taking in every aspect of it after having asked my real estate agent that Will made me get to step outside for a bit so I could get a better feel of the place. I originally wanted a small and cozy apartment, but after thinking about it, my skin crawled at that description. It reminded me of when Elle and I first decided to move in together and find an apartment together for a new start. She wanted something nice and small because she always wanted something she could feel comfortable in and wasn't a fan of big spaces. That particular memory stung the most out of all the ones that have been going through my mind still after so much time. They still made my heart bleed, but I can’t let go of them just yet no matter how much I wish I could wash my brain out. The pain is less though for the majority of the memories, but some still cut deep which is why I changed my mind and decided on a condo. 

In the long run, it will be good because I won't have to move again to accommodate Mattie as she gets older and starts her teenage angst scene. There's enough room for us both to give each other space if we ever get into an argument. There's enough room for her to invite friends to sleep over whenever she wants to so long as it’s not a school night. There's a space for a small rec room for when she gets older and for when I need to release some built up stress. 

I made my way back to the open concept living, dining, and kitchen space to stare out the big wall of windows that over looked the city. This space was free from any furniture for the specific reason that you're supposed to be able to stare out without any furniture obscuring your line of sight. Though I think I might set up a small sitting area so I could relax in front of the view and watch the sunrise and sunset without having to sit on the floor all the time or stand for hours on end. I think I might find myself in front of these floor to ceiling windows all the time in order to help clear my mind. Plus, it'll be a good thing for Mattie to look at and enjoy. 

The door clicked open echoing throughout the empty space and I looked over my shoulder to see Will walk in carrying Mattie. I turned back to the view. 

"Didn't trust me to pick my own place?" 

"I do. I just felt like you might want to look around with Matska since she'll be living here as well." He held Mattie out to me and I took her in my arms holding her close to me. 

I turned to face the whole front of the condo and my chest swelled up with love, want, and joy. I looked down to Mattie to see her eyes roam around the place until she looked over my shoulder and settled on looking at the view. I smiled. 

"This is the one," I declared.

"You sure?" 

"Yes. You can tell Ms. Johnson to send me all the necessary paperwork." 

He nodded his head and looked around. "Before that. I need to talk to you for a second and now seems as good as ever." 

I shifted Mattie to rest the majority of her weight on my hip. "What's on your mind?" 

He slid his hands into his pockets and avoided my gaze. "I think Matska should live with you full time." He met my surprised gaze. "Don't get me wrong. I love her to death and I want to have her with me, but at the same time I don't." He ran his fingers through his hair then rubbed the back of his neck. "I have been thinking about it for a while and it'd be best if she stayed with you because I'm not ready. I thought I was and that I could do this, but I'm really not. I know it seems like everything has been going great and that I've been handling it perfectly, but I still want to go out and party every night and I want to take time off from the company to travel and do something for myself like you did that year you took off before college." he groaned and tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. "Forget those lame excuses because they're excuses. The real reason is that I've finally realized that I can't solely be Matska's older brother. I also will have to be a father, a parent, and I'm not ready for that. I want to be for her, but when I hold her I can't make that connection. I can only see myself as her brother and nothing else. I wish I could, but I can't." He scuffed the tip of his shoe against the hardwood. "I did try though." 

I stepped closer to him and wrapped him up in a hug. "You don't have to do or be someone you're not or are not ready to be yet. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did all so you can be someone else. If you want to take a year off and travel or go in search of your soulmate, because I have seen that your mark came in recently, then that's something you can do." I stepped back and cupped his face. "I want you to be happy and to take as much time as you need to understand yourself better and to find what makes you happy. There's no need to rush into a marriage or rush into anything in order to prove that you've grown up or that you're ready for bigger responsibilities. If you're not ready, then that's fine. I'll carry everything until you are."

"You’re not mad?" 

"No. I'm actually relieved because I've been trying to figure out a way to bring this conversation up for a while now and to say that Mattie should be with me full time and be with you when you can have her or when I really need you to take her, so you saved me the trouble." 

He smiled and chuckled. "Well at least we got that covered without involving lawyers."

I smirked and patted his cheek. "As if I wouldn't have wiped the courtroom floor with you if it did end up that way."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever you have to tell yourself." 

I cocked an eyebrow up but let it slide. "Well in any case. What do you think of the place?" 

He looked around taking in the area then walked off to look into the rooms while I went over to the wall of windows to stare out with Mattie. "I think this is a good space. If you like it, you should take it." 

I nodded my head. "I like the amount of space it has. It gives us plenty of room to have Mattie grow up here until she leaves off to college or something." 

He nodded his head. "I can see that." He stood next to me and we stood there in silence taking in the scenery. "You know I would've only filed for Matska just to piss you off." 

"I know. You like to make things difficult." 

"That and you didn't seem too thrilled about all of this in the beginning." 

"I wasn't happy about mother trying to dictate everything, but it was never about not wanting Mattie." 

He stared at me closely and his gaze turned soft as Mattie laid her head against my shoulder. "I can see that now." He turned away. "I thought at first you were only helping because you didn't think I could do it on my own, but I've really been able to see clearly now that you genuinely do love Matska, so I guess you can sue me for taking up until now to see that you're serious about being in her life because you love her and not because you feel like it’s an obligation." 

"I would if I could," I joked. 

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Are you going to do the paperwork for this place?" 

I switched Mattie to my other side since my arm was beginning to get tired. "Yes. This is the one." I turned away from the windows. "Can you go grab the agent so I can get started on that?" 

"Sure." 

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket as he walked off and dialed Laura's number hoping she was on break or something at work. 

_"Hey,"_ her tired voice answered and I could tell she was a bit stressed out. 

"Is this a bad time?" 

_"No. I could actually use the distraction."_

"Are you sure?" 

_"I wouldn't have answered otherwise."_

"You'd answer my call even if you were swamped with something." 

She hummed. _"I'll give you that. Now what's up?"_  

I smiled and pressed the phone against my ear and shoulder as I shifted Mattie over again then grabbed my phone with my new free hand. "I found a condo."

_"So you did end up going with the condo instead?"_

"Yeah. I needed something different and with more room for when Mattie becomes a teenager." 

_"Those years are going to suck for you."_

"Don't remind me," I said indignant and filled with dread. 

She laughed and I could hear the squeak of her chair and shuffling. _"Well at least it’s a long way off, so you can enjoy the innocence longer."_

"Well thanks to you I know the importance of documenting everything, so when she gets older I can cry over how young she used to be and embarrass her in front of her significant other."

_"I still don't understand the fascination of parents pulling out the baby pictures and showing their child's partner them."_

"I think it has to do with pride and not really wanting to see that your kid is an adult." 

_"I guess, but it’s still mortifying."_

"Well it is what it is." 

_"I know. Are you signing off on one now?"_

"I am."

_"How does it feel?"_

I leaned down to sniff Mattie's hair taking in the scent of her baby wash. "Right." I kissed the top of her head. "It didn't feel right until I had Mattie in my arms, so now it feels like it fits." 

_"That's good to hear. I'm glad you found something."_

"Me too." I began to bounce from one foot to the other. "That’s not all though."

_"Oh? What else is there?"_

"Will came to me to say that I should take Mattie full time." 

_"How did you feel about that?"_

"Relieved," I admitted. "I've been dreading trying to bring up that conversation and he came to me about it."

_"Are you alright with that?"_

The concern in her voice made my chest tighten up. "I'm scared out of my mind." 

_"Is it what you wanted to begin with?"_

"It is."

_"Can you continue to put her first when making certain decisions?"_

"I can." 

_"Then you'll be fine."_

I sighed. "You know there's more than that when raising a kid."

_"I know and the fact you recognized that right away shows that you are ready to do it, scared or not. You can do it and you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be there."_

I pulled the phone away from my ear to wipe away my tears before they rolled down my cheeks. I cleared my throat. "Your faith in me is overwhelming." 

_"You've never given me a reason not to have it."_

I paused to collect my emotions. "Thank you." 

_"Whatever I can do I will. You're not alone. If you need me just say it."_

"Could I bring you to look at the place when you're free?" 

_"Of course. Let me know once everything is done and we can set up a time so we can get some lunch as well."_

"I'd appreciate that."

The line was silent for a moment and the door clicked open with the sound of Will and the agent talking to each other. _"I'm thinking of going on break in an hour to that diner from last time if you want to join me."_

She was offering to cheer me up and I loved her for that. "We'll see how long it takes. Can I text you?" 

_"Of course."_

"Alright. I have to let you go now. The agent is back."

_"Good luck. The place sounds great."_

"I didn't even describe it to you."

_"You didn't have to. The fact that it feels right to you is enough for me."_

"Thank you."

_"I'll be waiting for your text."_

"Alright. Talk to you later."

_"Later."_

I waited a moment knowing she wasn't going to hang up. I chuckled then hung the phone up knowing she'll send me a text right after saying she won. I looked to Will who stood there happily with the agent and with a knowing look in his eyes. "Ready?" He asked and reached out for Mattie. 

"As I'll ever be." 

He took Mattie from me as the agent placed the paperwork down onto the kitchen island. "What did Laura say?" Will attempted to ask casually.

I rolled my eyes at his failed attempt to be subtle. "I told her I decided on a place and asked if she'd want to see it." I carefully picked through the contract on the condo. 

"That's it?"

"And she invited me to lunch in an hour." 

"Want me to watch Matska?" He asked sounding way too joyful. 

I looked up at him then turned to the agent. "Do you mind giving us a moment?" I asked the agent. 

"No problem. I have a phone call to make." She excused herself then walked out of the condo. 

I waited for her to leave then turned to Will. "What has you all giddy?" 

"Nothing," he answered trying to seem innocent. 

"Nice try. Now what's going on?" 

"You've been spending a lot of time with Laura lately." 

"And...?" 

He shrugged. "Well how's that going for you?" 

I stared at him confused. "What do you-" Realization smacked me in the face. "Oh Oh! That. Uh yeah. Umm...I haven't really thought about it."

His brows furrowed together. "What do you mean you haven't really thought about it?" 

I ran my fingers through my hair and bit at my bottom lip. "I haven't thought about it in depth. I've been focused on Mattie these few months and I haven't really spared a thought for Laura in that way other than in passing." 

He looked concerned. "Does that mean you don't like her in that way anymore?" 

I felt myself pale at his question. "That's not it." 

Now he looked highly confused. "Then what's going on?" 

I twirled the pen between my fingers as I stared down at the contract. "I've been stressed over getting over Elle while taking care of Mattie at the same time and trying to make sure Mattie is happy even though I feel miserable. I haven't really thought about Laura, but I also haven't been apart from her long to think about her." I took a calming breath. "I don't think about it because when I'm with her everything clicks. Everything feels right and that I don't have to stress or worry about not doing something or doing something wrong because we move around each other and work together seamlessly." I set the pen down and picked at the counter top. "Now that I'm thinking about it. It feels as if we're together without having said the words out loud and I don't want to ruin that even though I know we're not together and eventually we have to address it. I just feel like it’s something we both need right now and since she hasn't said anything I don't know if she's been thinking about us in that way or not. I know I haven't since Mattie has gotten bigger, but I now in my very bones that I do still love her. It’s just that my priorities have changed on who is most important right now." I ran my fingers through my hair again scratching at my scalp as I do it. 

He rocked side to side with Mattie looking pensive and as if he's organizing his thoughts. "Do you still love her the same way you did before Matska came into our lives?"

I opened my mouth to answer automatically, but closed it. I haven't really put too much thought into it. I do still notice how beautiful she is and how she makes me feel safe and wanted. I notice how she makes me feel like everything is alright and that doing my best is all that matters. I've noticed how well she treats Mattie and that I can trust her with Mattie and know that she will always be safe with Laura. I've come to admire her strong work ethic and her will to keep trying to do what's best. I still love all the things about her from before she got divorced and some of the little things from the time I've spent with her that she does for Mattie and I, but I haven't really payed attention to who she is now. What about her now that she's been living alone do I love? 

"I don't know," I answered honestly. 

He nodded his head self-satisfied. "It’s alright to change your priorities and to put Matska first, but it’s also alright to still make yourself the priority. You don't have to put yourself aside all the time for other people. You've done that enough for me, for Elle, and now for Matska. Hell, you even did it for a while for Laura when she was going through her divorce. Do something for you. Even if you might crash and burn at the end of it, at least you tried." 

I gnawed on my lip. "I do still love her."

"I know, but when was the last time you thought about how much you love her and what you love about her and what to do about it?" 

I paused thinking about it. "How old is Mattie?" 

He quirked an eyebrow up. "Almost six months."

I stared at Mattie. "I'd say it’s been almost three maybe four months that I've thought about how much I love Laura." 

"Seriously?" 

"I've thought of how comfortable she makes me and how warm inside I get around her and how adorable she is with Mattie, but actually being in love with her has been a while." 

He tsked and shook his head. "OK new plan for this week. I'll take care of Matska, you go spend time with Laura by yourself and focus on the two of you. Don't text me about Matska, don't call me about her, don't even think about her. If there's an emergency I will let you know and I will let you know when I put her to bed, so you can at least call and say goodnight."

"That's a bit extreme don't you think?" I asked already feeling the ache of not having Mattie with me. 

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

I rolled my eyes. "You're being dramatic." 

"Maybe, but I've never seen you as happy and as at ease with yourself as you are with Laura before Matska came into the picture and even more so now. She gives you something you've never had and you need to spend some time really seeing and knowing what that is and you need to decide if now is the time to really go for it. There's nothing in the way now to stop you. No girlfriend. No wife. Just you and her. And if asking her out on an official date freaks you out then ask her to hang out. Same thing, but without the pressure." 

I tapped my fingers against the counter then picked my pen back up. "I'll think about it."

"Don't take too long. She's a beautiful woman, soulmate or not." 

"I'm aware."

He hummed and I went back to reading over the contract. He is right though. I do need to spend time with Laura apart from Mattie and apart from letting Elle's memories creep up on me all the time and making me freeze like a deer in headlights. I'm allowed to put myself first and its high time I get to know more about Laura outside of taking care of Mattie together or not wanting to feel alone. Maybe it is time I try to make things work between us in that way. Maybe it’s time to start thinking about a relationship.

 


End file.
